vaya

My AS goes to methadone clinic. I often give him a ride since I work nearby. He only has to go on his own about 2 days a week and it's about a 30 minute bus ride away from where he lives.

Today he missed clinic for 3rd day and they may start him over tomorrow. he could have made it on bus if he just got out the door but would rather panic about needing a fix. i even offered to pay for a cab so he could get there quickly. It was a close call if he could make it, but it was feasible. I also called him all morning to wake him, since I had planned to be down that way this morning, but he never got up until almost too late to go.

My question is this: He called and asked me for a ride so he could score H. I said I couldn't do that. he could take bus, I put money on his bus card so he could get to clinic. He was desperate saying he would be puking all over the bus on the way to his connection.
I said I couldn't help him. I would help him with clinic since it is some steps for real help. Then I said I had a meeting and couldn't help anyway. Were I to help him it would have been about a 1.5 hour ride round trip and then I have to work after.

I was having guilt pangs about that fact that he is dope sick right now, but won't give in. I'm already doing more than I should by helping him to clinic. I used to get roped in to actually helping drive him to his connection before when he was sick. I finally decided not too. If nothing else, aside from fact that I would totally still be enabling and controlling, I realized that what if the dope he got today was his last shot and I was the one to contribute to that?

I know he'll never learn if I make it easy for him. He could have chosen to go to clinic and ease his discomfort, whether or not he went out later for something. Now, he is dope sick and desperate as a result of his choices to keep using and not go to clinic consistently. I can only pray he will learn.

I am well aware of the bigger issues here about my involvement, but I am slowly learning to detach. He lives on his own now, but isn't doing very well. It scares the hell out of me, which is why I stay connected and help with clinic and non drug things.

So....as stupid and obvious as it might be to most, did I do the right thing by not giving him a ride to his connection? ( I feel I did...just seeking feedback/reassurance during a weak moment.)

Bekindalways

Hi Vaya. For what it is worth, I think you did the right thing. You parents of Addicts are in such a tough position. I'm hoping one of the Moms/Dads pipes in here.

Please take care of yourself in this horrible situation!

vaya

thank you Bekindalways. Thanks for appreciating the dilemma we parents do face. I just feel if I cave in every time he's dope sick, he'll never get sick and tired. I fear he'll do stupid things. But if he can get it together to make it to score, he could have made it to clinic.
Thanks for responding.

hopeful4

I second thinking you did the right thing. He has to learn this is more important than oversleeping or whatever caused him to be late. If you gave in, it would just start over and he would expect you to enable him again.

This is just my opinion. I cannot even imagine how hard it has to be. Big, huge hugs!

Ilovemysonjj

You did the absolute right thing. Hugs to you Vaya.
TT

AnonWife

I think you did the right thing not helping him purchaae street drugs. I think its ok to help him get to the medical clinic. But he needs to also do his part, as in getting out of bed and making it a priority to remain stable on meds.

Ann

If I have one rule I shall always keep it is "never buy an addict drugs".

My son used to try to get money from my husband, saying that if husband gave him $20 (or $40 or $60, depending how lucky he was feeling), then he wouldn't have to steal to get it.

That's how insane addiction is, asking your dad for drug money so you wouldn't have to steal. It was never given, although I know there was one time I had to debate with my husband about this...just one more of the war zone stories from my home.

You did the right thing. He had a means to get his methadone, he has a responsibility to do what he needs to do to stay in the methadone treatment program. Perhaps he was just looking for an excuse to use...and then of course he will blame you.

You did the right thing. Your thinking is sound and stable, his is not. Don't let his thinking make you question your own.

Being the mother of an addict has to be one of the hardest things in the world.

Hugs

coolrobin2

You did the right thing! Keep it up!

hope778

You did the right thing, absolutely. Doing the right thing for us is oftentimes synonymous with doing the hardest thing. I've been in your shoes many times. My AH now knows I will only help him help himself. I will not help him hurt himself anymore. If that means he winds up dope sick, so be it. It's painful to think of them struggling. Very painful. But that is the ONLY way they can have life again. If we stop cushioning their falls.

vaya

Thank you all for your posts and support. Very helpful.

dorton

My son has asked me many times to take him to buy drugs or to give him money for drugs when he has been dope sick. I know how bad it hurts to see them that way. I've never given in and I pray I'm never put in that position again. You did the absolute right thing no question about it! Keep your strength.

cynical one

I think you are handling it perfectly. You are supporting efforts at recovery while not supporting using. Additionally, by taking him to clinic on days when its convenient for you, but allowing him to take the bus on days when it's not- is supporting age appropriate maturity.

GardenMama

I agree with everyone here. And I have to add that "dope sick" is not the end of the world. So what? If you want to stay clean, you'll deal with the consequences. It may be that he sees methadone as he sees heroin...that could be a problem in his recovery, but it is ultimately HIS recovery. You are doing great in yours, Vaya. No need to apologize or couch what you have done or not done. We parents of addicts have to cut ourselves some slack sometimes, especially when are kids seem to be "on the mend." It makes sense you would help him get to the clinic when you can. I did the same. We have to do what we are comfortable with--we also have to live with our decisions. It's hard. You are doing a great job.

vaya

You all have been great and a wonderful support! Thank you also for you kind words of encouragement.