C23

So the further and further I get from my last drink, the more reality hits me in the face. There is no hiding from it anymore. I would imagine you all have had this experience and I need help making sure it doesn't drive me into the negative, anxiety, depression zone.

What I realized today was that my wife and kids rely so much on me to be the bread winner and the father figure in the house. There was a time at my lowest where I had thoughts that they would be better off without me (if you know what I mean). Now, I realize now it is the exact opposite. My commitment to sobriety and health needs to be even more vigilant. This is very scary. I can't screw up. Too many people's lives are at stake. I work in oil and gas sales and you can imagine how that is going right now. I have always found a way to succeed and I am hoping that trend continues.

Anyway, I just really needed to talk and I always trust you guys and gals for feedback. Not everyone understands what it is like to have our minds, both the positives and negatives that come with it.

Anna

Well, I can relate to thinking my family would have been better off without me. Years later, and with 5 grandchildren in the mix, I know with absolute certainty that isn't the case. Your family needs you!

Be careful to not put too much pressure on yourself. It's good that you know your family depends on you and you will always be the Dad. Hopefully there will be an upswing in the job but as you said, you have always found a way to succeed. So, whatever happens, have faith that you will succeed in taking care of your family.

Ruby2

you're right, our families do need us and rely upon us. But don't forget that you're doing this for you.

We all have to stay vigilant and protect what we have but we can have fun doing it. We are not a glum lot. Just keep doing what you're doing.

Dad23

First, congratulations on your breakthroughs! In terms of feedback, I would echo Anna's words - you need to be kind to yourself now too.

Its very easy to be harsh on yourself (Lord knows I have) and far too demanding when you start to recover and awaken. This can be dangerous.

The most important thing now is to get healthy. A sober dad and husband is more important and more valuable to your family than any pay check or car payment. You'll be fine.

Hope this helps.

JohnQPublic

Its great you are getting sober, and like Ruby and others said, you are doing this for you too. Its really important to have an internal value along with how important you are to your family. I wanted to also say that I really identified with your "better off without me" thoughts. In my cycle of drinking I thought so many times how my loved ones did not deserve the crap I put them through and how it would be so much better if I was just gone. I wasn't truly in suicidal ideation but felt like if I just didn't wake up one day or just vanished people would be better off. I didn't believe at that time I could be a non drinker and be in recovery. Now I am loving life and all those in it and am so glad to be with them. Bless you. John

Dropsie

The burdens sometimes seem bigger when sober don't they. Nothing to run to.

But they were always there, and now you are so much better able to deal with them.

I am also scared to death most of the time.

A lot of us are.

These are not easy times, but you got this.

Soberwolf

Excellent

On The Road

I'm learning how to handle "normal" anxiety which I feel as I balance the importance of being responsible for my family and for my sobriety. It's okay to experience a bit of "angst" because it helps me stay prepared for dealing with both - after all there are real consequences for failing in either scenario, right?

What I'm not doing, which would have NOT been the case in the past, is using anxiety as an excuse to fuel my addiction. Instead, I see it as a signal for me to work more diligently on both my life and recovery plans. This helps keep me focused on my priorities.

Of course it's not always easy, but rest assured, it's a whole lot better than sorting things out in the destructive wake of blackouts and hangovers.

Nonsensical

and amazing
and wonderful
and maddening
and beautiful
and baffling
and exquisite

Welcome to your life. Live the **** out of it!

FormerWineGirl

C23, I can relate to your job fears. I am facing a similar situation in terms of job security (or lack thereof). I am in finance and facing a merger which could potentially leave me jobless. I have been through financial mergers in the past, but I was a lot younger then. My husband is self-employed, owning a small business. We depend on my benefits - health insurance, etc. as well as the consistency of my paycheck. But I can tell by your post that you, just like I, am a survivor. Try not to worry too much. At the risk of sounding corny, it really will all work out. Best of luck to you.

Nofearnobeer

C23 , what you just posted is what hit me like a Brick 2 months ago....In fact , like a Truckload of Bricks hurling at me at 100MPH... Thanks for sharing...Who was it, Dee who said "Things get REAL REAL QUICK"...

C23

Thank you everyone. That is why this place is amazing! It helps you know you are not alone and you are not going through anything new...we have all dealt with adversity. Being able to fight off addiction and stay sober proves we can all beat any challenge put in front of us. It also means we will be in a much better place to take on the world...I love you guys!