Butterfly

Firstly I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas and happy new year to everyone. I haven't posted in a while but have been reading. Life has been very busy and dare I say quite contented!!

I had a lovely peaceful Christmas with my kids and 2 very needed weeks off work although I'm back this week with a bang lol.

divorce is progressing slowly, still limited discovery from his end yet constant letters from his solicitors about 2 months outstanding financial discovery even though I'm waiting on over 2 years of his!! I do get angry with this how they can constantly ask for a few months when stbxah has only submitted a year of very limited information instead of over 3 years. His latest solicitors letter states that without this information the consultation will not be beneficial. I'm Working hard to not let this get to me and let my solicitor deal with but I really want to contact him and tell him to sort this out and stop dragging it out!!

You may remember that I had a court hearing as he hadn't responded to my cross petition and I had filed for unreasonable behaviour. The purpose was so he would hopefully be fined and forced to respond and also pay the court costs. Well the night before the hearing my barrister had a long argument with his and recommended that I withdraw my court hearing and that in March this year he file again for 2 years separation and he would bear the costs of that petition. My solicitor decided not in consultation with myself I must add that they would withdraw the court application as this was the best way forward as he would have delayed, made allegations and there would have been a hearing, resulting in more cost for me!! Granted I may get my divorce quicker as he's not going to fight it but I'm annoyed this wasn't discussed with me first and I now have an additional £400 on top of my legal fees to pay for something that didn't happen!!

Any way we have a consultation in Feb to discuss finances and hopefully he will turn up this time.

So my dating life has been eventful lol. You may remember the guy from before Christmas. Well I ended it tonight. He continued to put pressure on me about things, took off for 3 days drinking but this week had been the final straw when he was pressurising me into going onto contraception so we wouldn't have to use condoms!! All week this went on despite me saying I wasn't at that point, I wasn't sure if he was dating others or looking to date others as he was still on his dating website although he denied it!! For me that step is way off and would be with someone I was in a relationship with not someone who wouldn't even understand where I was coming from. Apparently I needed to relax and go with the flow and I'm making things complicated and he can't deal with complication!!

For me this week has been enough is enough and I started to realise that he was all about himself even in conversations, never wanted to really know about me, when I was talking about anything he would talk over me about something different. Yes he would ask how I was, call me beautiful, was very affectionate when we were together but no real interest in me or wanting to get to know me if that makes sense. Not that I wanted to tell all about my history but there was a few things that came up. So tonight after his comment about I'm making things complicated and how he can't deal with complicated I told him no he was making this complicated and I can't and won't be with someone who only thinks about his wants, can't and won't respect my feelings on things and continues to try and pressure me into something I'm not ready for.

I know I should have ended it after that night at his but my need to be with someone to make me feel good was the driving force in continuing. I wasn't sure whether I was just overly anxious about things or it was my gut. Well this week I've began thinking being with this guy makes me more anxious than not, and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect my feelings and keeps pushing for what he wants.

Sorry I know I've rambled a bit.

Thanks for reading.

Lilro

Welcome back Butterfly

Sound to me as if you've got your head in the right place! His head?? Well that's another story lol. Good for you!!
Ro

Butterfly

Thanks lilro.

I don't know what you mean by his head??? Am I focusing too much on him

Lilro

Lol..... No you are not....you are doing great!!!!

I'm gonna let you think about that "his head" remark for a little while.... Lol.

FeelingGreat

Hi Butterfly, you breaking off a relationship with someone is a big step forward, given your fear of abandonment. It's all too clear where this guy is coming from, and the translation of 'complications' is commitment. He wants his jollies, but not to give anything in return.

I agree with your reluctance to give up the condoms, because if he is seeing other people you could be at risk from STDs. They're not just for contraception.

Very frustrating about the delaying tactics with the divorce. Do you have any theories about why he's doing it?

Butterfly

Thanks lilro

Feelinggreat, yes I agree his complications is commitment , which he apparently has commitment issues!! not that that was what I wanted but I did want respect and for my views to be understood. And this week it became clear that I wasn't being respected and it was all about his wishes and feelings and what he wanted. He rang me Tuesday night after I got home from work at midnight after being at work from 9 am and wanted to talk about it and kept talking about it even though I'd said I was tired. Don't think I'm asking too much!!

Yip my abandonment issues are probably what kept me with him for longer than I should have. There were lots of things that didn't sit right with me but I ignored them due to my anxieties but I couldn't keep ignoring them after this week. I keep saying to myself when I feel anxious to let go and let God and I think this has helped and I have certainly been shown enough to realise this relationship isn't good for me and that I was able to make the decision for me to walk away.

I spoke to stbxah last night I probably shouldn't have and just left it to the solicitors but I didn't I wanted to know why he was delaying everything. He said he did reply to my cross petition, that he had been told that it was me that cancelled the consultation in Nov a few days before, didn't know about the hearing in Jan and was only told to submit one years financial discovery by his solicitor and that it was me who hadn't submitted anything. He is to send me his response today so I have it and He will apparently speak to his solicitor and sort all this on Monday he promises as he knows I need to heal and he has been trying to progress quickly so I can!!!lol.

Now I don't know if he's being truthful or not and he certainly did know about the discovery of 2 years before he left as he received a letter from my solicitor last March requesting it all but he is denying he knew and if his so,icitor did say one year why would you not follow your own solicitors advise or he's lying!! But that's up to him not my issue!! So either he's delaying or his solicitor is!!

Anyway I will be speaking to my solicitor on Monday because either his solicitor didn't forward his response or my solicitor received it and didn't do anything about it. Either way I have an additional cost of £350 which may not have been needed due to someone error and I refuse to pay for someone else's error!!

I will speak to my solicitor on Monday and try and get this sorted from my end!!