Hope7726

Hi Friends, it's been awhile since I posted here. It has been more than a year since my AXBF left. I didn't care to know if he was continuing to use, going to rehab, or what. It didn't matter anymore. I moved on. I do not hate him and I will always have some level of compassion for what he has gone through as an addict, but when I think of him it is never in a positive way. My feelings of hurt and anger still linger. They have lessened over time, but are very much present.

Unfortunately, a friend alerted me to the fact that he is back on Facebook. He created a new page, rather than reactivating his old page, and I know none of his current friends. He is not even friends with any of his family members. He is still in the same area, just a little further away. I can't see much on his public page but I can tell he is currently living the sober life and his friends appear to be from NA. While I am happy for him if he is in fact clean, this revelation makes me even more angry because I want my amends! I don't NEED amends from him in order to live my life, but it makes me furious that he continues to be a coward and not own up to, and apologize for, the horrible things he did while we were together (lying, manipulating, stealing, you know the routine). This is exactly why I didn't care to know what he is doing, even though I knew it was only a matter of time before I found out something.

I know I am not the only one who has not, and may never, receive an apology from "my" addict. I know that shame and a lack of commitment to true recovery keep some addicts from ever making amends to certain people. But it pisses me off!!!!! I guess I am seeking words of encouragement from people who understand.

biminiblue

I've never gotten so much as an apology from the men who beat me, cheated on me, stole from me, betrayed me in so many ways.

I don't expect to ever hear from them again, and that's a good thing.

hopeful4

Anytime you set yourself up expecting an apology from an addict, you are setting yourself up for hurt.

You cannot control anyone else's actions, only your own reaction. You are pi$$ed, you have every right to be. Now, what can you do for yourself to let that go and find peace for yourself?

Many hugs, it takes time.

zoso77

It is exceptionally difficult for most people to look hard at themselves and to own up to what they have or haven't done. And addicts don't have the market cornered on that. When people look in the mirror and are horrified about what they see, they're going to avoid looking.

Whether your AXBF falls into that category or not, I don't know. But it's also worth remembering that there's a big qualifier when it comes to making amends. Step 9:

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

(Emphasis mine)

So don't take his inventory. It's not your place to do so. Accept that this is how it is, and be thankful he's not a part of your everyday life.

LiveInPeace

I read this because it showed up in my new posts feed. I don't know your situation. But I just wanted to say I was taught that an amends is not an apology. To amend, means to change.

Also, he may not be on Step 9 yet.

There are things called living amends, in which the alcoholic or addict doesn't repeat what he or she did in the past.

And yes as another poster mentioned, if his sponsor told him he'd emotionally harm you by bringing up the past, he may not approach you and just may leave you alone.

Or, maybe he's abstinent but not actually working the steps. He may be doing what he's capable at the moment of doing.

I know it sucks. I know it hurts. Don't let the anger of the apology you may never get eat you up inside. It could also be like the other poster wrote that he's just not strong enough yet to face what he did.

Try for your own peace of mind to let go of the apology you didn't get, justified or not. Anger only hurts yourself. Let it go.

Hope7726

Thanks, everyone. You all make valid points and I know you are right. I attended Nar-Anon so I am familiar with the 12 steps and the variations of amends. For me, I would like an apology and I would like to be repaid the money that he stole from me. Don't worry, I won't hold my breath!

AnvilheadII

have YOU made all YOUR amends?

it's a common expectation - s/he will get sober AND immediately run to my doorstep, lay themselves prostrate at my feet and BEG forgiveness. doesn't work that way. that's not the point of them GETTING sober. and the amends process, for those who choose to take it, is deeply personal and should not be judged. sometimes the best amends is to stay the hell out of the other person's life....not make some re-entry simply to ease their own conscience.

not every recovering person MAKES amends....most, myself included, had the list of the "easy" ones, and then the hard ones. and for an amends to truly HAVE significance and lasting effect, the addict/alcoholic has to be FULLY ready to accept their actions, and face the full consequences of those actions. for example, i have YET to let my superiors know that years ago when i was doing crack i would sometimes "borrow" money from petty cash. hell i have yet to tell them i was ON crack. and i don't think i will. that was 8+ years ago, and i have quite since redeemed myself as a dedicated employee who has immeasurable respect for the work that we do, and contributes to the mission in a positive productive way. is that chikkenshit? maybe....but what GOOD would come of such a revelation NOW? would it not place a burden ON them to decide if that was a reason to let me go - which would leave them short handed and lacking my 20+ years of experience and tribal knowledge??

CodeJob

I'm married to my recovering addict. It took me a lot of counseling and working the steps myself to get over the need for him to provide me with a verbal amends.

What I started to realize is that I wanted that movie moment where I GOT THE CREDIT for saving him, putting up with him, or sending him to rehab or even maybe some of the credit for him being sober. I wanted HIS amends even to be about ME.

That realization sent me back to MY recovery.

Vale

================================================== ==
I have been on the other side of this situation. Someone 'reveals'
something that is highly irregular----and the (PRIVATE!!!!) words go
something like this:

You are a highly valuable contributor to a highly competent team.
What YOU see as "coming to Jesus" I see as possibly robbing us of
one of our more valuable/experienced assets........so just keep your
(conquered) demons to yourself. The highest compliment I can pay
another human being is this: YOU ARE COMPETENT,CAPABLE
& NEEDED..

...first cousin to "I've got million difficult problems,
YOU aren't one of them"

ladyscribbler

LOL. That movie used to play in my head too. Gone With The Codependency starring Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh (the obvious choice to play me btw).

SarahBear

I havent got much of an apology yet from my AXBest-Friend. All I care is that he chooses to do well for himself now that he has been out of prison a few months. Only time will tell if he will stay away from the hell that the drugs has put him through. We're still on friendly terms since he has gone back to his ex who is a friend of my family. Sometimes, it's best not to expect anything from anyone even if you feel it's necessary

RoseMadder

I got a tear-filled "heart-felt" apology. That is what my xah considered amends.

I had already heard thousands of apologies over the years from him, apologetic words are not amends. Amends involve actions.

I was hoping he would replace the jewelry he stole from me and sold, replace his wedding ring, which he'd pawned for drugs, and become honest and transparent.

Instead, after his heartfelt apology of "amends" to me, he went out and bought himself a boat, and lied to me about it.
I wanted more than just emotional but empty words from him; I needed real amends- actions- if we were going to restore the marriage.

Didn't happen and I divorced him and have never regretted it.
While we were going through the divorce, he told people that I stole from him, I was at fault for everything....I realized that one of the best signs of my recovery was that I could let that go. I know the truth and that is all that really matters. I don't expect nor long for amends from him.

I have peace and joy in my life today.

cynical one

Amends and closure are so overrated IMO.

To me the big questions is have you made amends to yourself? For allowing, for compromising, for not trusting?

NoelleR

Back in the day an amends meant to fix; to set right; to mend. And yes, an apology was part of it (my part), after which I would ask what I could do to fix; set right; or mend this (their part would be the actual amend; the suggestion of what I needed to do) .

IOW, it would go something like this..........: "I'm sorry for **********; what can I do to fix this?"

(o:

CodeJob

Good morning Hope,

I wanted to mention that it is OK to be where you are - wanting a heart felt amends backed with good recovery actions and behaviors.

And some of us sound pretty zen here and that's OK if you are just angry. Better to express that anger and know that is OK too!

Mountainmanbob

Some in recovery that work the Steps get around to making amends fairly fast.

Others may take years.

Some never make amends to everyone.

Maybe setting myself up for more pain.
If I (expect) to be receiving a sincere amends from someone.
It's best that I don't hold my breath.

M-Bob