I either want him back or in jail
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I either want him back or in jail
I can't make sense of these emotions.
He's done so much to hurt me- he lied constantly, took out loans in my name, stole my identity to drain my bank account.
A part of me wants so badly to make him pay. Not just to have the money back- but to really have him held accountable for his actions for once.
And then the other part wants to believe him.
He says he'll sign a postnuptial agreement- he'll give me power of attorney, take his name off the title of the house, submit to random drug tests, never use credit cards again. All of this on contract.
My mom is furious I'm considering this. She and my father paid my attorney's fees. All along they've been saying, "No pressure, if this isn't what you want you can back out." Now? Not so much. She says I'm putting my kids in danger by staying with him. But what if we go through with the divorce? He'll still, at the very least, have visitation. Currently, he has 14 hours visitation- that's more time than he spent with them when we were together, and it's without me there to protect them!
What if I could get everything I've ever wanted? I just can't see divorce being better than this. Then again, if divorce become necessary later on, I doubt I'll be able to afford an attorney.
How can I go from fantasizing about him being behind bars to us being a happy family again? And what do I do? (I know you can't tell me this, but I so wish someone could!)
Why must this be so hard?
He's done so much to hurt me- he lied constantly, took out loans in my name, stole my identity to drain my bank account.
A part of me wants so badly to make him pay. Not just to have the money back- but to really have him held accountable for his actions for once.
And then the other part wants to believe him.
He says he'll sign a postnuptial agreement- he'll give me power of attorney, take his name off the title of the house, submit to random drug tests, never use credit cards again. All of this on contract.
My mom is furious I'm considering this. She and my father paid my attorney's fees. All along they've been saying, "No pressure, if this isn't what you want you can back out." Now? Not so much. She says I'm putting my kids in danger by staying with him. But what if we go through with the divorce? He'll still, at the very least, have visitation. Currently, he has 14 hours visitation- that's more time than he spent with them when we were together, and it's without me there to protect them!
What if I could get everything I've ever wanted? I just can't see divorce being better than this. Then again, if divorce become necessary later on, I doubt I'll be able to afford an attorney.
How can I go from fantasizing about him being behind bars to us being a happy family again? And what do I do? (I know you can't tell me this, but I so wish someone could!)
Why must this be so hard?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
this is only as hard as you choose to make it.
He says he'll sign a postnuptial agreement- he'll give me power of attorney, take his name off the title of the house, submit to random drug tests, never use credit cards again. All of this on contract.
and i have some lovely waterfront property right by the Pyramids of Giza. if you buy HIS BS, surely you'll buy mine too. if you wanted him in jail, you should have pressed charges for the identity theft, fraudulent loans, etc. that after all he HAS done, you now want to give him yet MORE opportunities to be in your life and F you over, well.....no one can stop you.
i think you need to make it real simple, what is truly the BEST for the children, today and tomorrow, what assures their safety, security and future.
He says he'll sign a postnuptial agreement- he'll give me power of attorney, take his name off the title of the house, submit to random drug tests, never use credit cards again. All of this on contract.
and i have some lovely waterfront property right by the Pyramids of Giza. if you buy HIS BS, surely you'll buy mine too. if you wanted him in jail, you should have pressed charges for the identity theft, fraudulent loans, etc. that after all he HAS done, you now want to give him yet MORE opportunities to be in your life and F you over, well.....no one can stop you.
i think you need to make it real simple, what is truly the BEST for the children, today and tomorrow, what assures their safety, security and future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I know, I know.
I'm a victim of mind control. I have a restraining order against him and was doing so well until the judge ordered visitation with the kids. Now because of this we are allowed "peaceful contact" in regards to the kids- but it's never about the kids, it's always about manipulating me. And I fall for it every time.
Just now he asked me if I'd thought about his proposal and I said I didn't think it would work. So he went right back to making threats about taking the house.
Beg for me back, make threats about how awful he will make my life. Rinse, repeat.
Oh, it's going to be a long year.
I'm a victim of mind control. I have a restraining order against him and was doing so well until the judge ordered visitation with the kids. Now because of this we are allowed "peaceful contact" in regards to the kids- but it's never about the kids, it's always about manipulating me. And I fall for it every time.
Just now he asked me if I'd thought about his proposal and I said I didn't think it would work. So he went right back to making threats about taking the house.
Beg for me back, make threats about how awful he will make my life. Rinse, repeat.
Oh, it's going to be a long year.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Why must this be so hard?
Number two, you desperately want to believe this is fixable. You want to believe if you do or say the right thing in just the right way, you can salvage this. But I'm guessing you've already tried this in some form, and you had to take a RO out on him. So if it didn't work then, why would it work now?
Allow me to gently suggest you need to shift your thinking, from trying to save what's left of the marriage, to self preservation. For there is nothing left to save, HCD. He made sure of that. So now you have to protect yourself...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,430
He's stealing your children's future,
financially, and emotionally, by sucking you
back in and bringing chaos back into their lives and yours.
You are so emotionally enmeshed with this person
you have little left to give your children, and are
willing to compromise them in favor of him.
What isn't wrong with this picture?
financially, and emotionally, by sucking you
back in and bringing chaos back into their lives and yours.
You are so emotionally enmeshed with this person
you have little left to give your children, and are
willing to compromise them in favor of him.
What isn't wrong with this picture?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
You have the choice of ignoring anything that isn't strictly about the kids. Manipulation continues for as long as it continues to work.
Document anything that violates the restraining order. Report it, but do not respond. Doing so only fuels the fire.
Document anything that violates the restraining order. Report it, but do not respond. Doing so only fuels the fire.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Thank you all for seeing through him. It's so hard for me to, especially now that I've read statement after statement from his side accusing me of everything under the sun- from letting my kids play with butcher's knives to parakeet abuse.
My attorney has told me that he is damaged- that damaged people can clean up for a few court appearances, but sooner or later their true colors will show. I pray for this.
I know all of my rationalizing is selfish and fear-based. I'm terrified of my future and that all of this is for naught- that my plan to keep him from hurting the kids will only make him see them more. When the judge ordered unsupervised visitation so quickly, this fed into this fear. I thought, if this is happening already, what's to come?
Thank you again for seeing this all. I will have to be stronger for my kids' sake.
My attorney has told me that he is damaged- that damaged people can clean up for a few court appearances, but sooner or later their true colors will show. I pray for this.
I know all of my rationalizing is selfish and fear-based. I'm terrified of my future and that all of this is for naught- that my plan to keep him from hurting the kids will only make him see them more. When the judge ordered unsupervised visitation so quickly, this fed into this fear. I thought, if this is happening already, what's to come?
Thank you again for seeing this all. I will have to be stronger for my kids' sake.
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