Branches

Merry Christmas, everyone. About a week ago my DH and I had a come-to-Jesus meeting about drinking, pot, our marriage, etc. As a consequence he has been clean for a week and I am not drinking as well for my own sake (I was having two to three glasses of wine a night) and to be a good partner in sobriety. Nobody is smoking pot. We've hit one AA meeting so far and are going to another one tonight. I'm nose-deep in co-dependent reading and trying to take care of myself and detach. You know what? I'm also knee-deep in lonesome. My husband deals with withdrawal from pot (his major dependence) and alcohol (his minor dependence, but it turns him into Mr. Hyde) by keeping his headphones on most of the day and surfing the net when he's off work. He's pretty much a loner. When he's not headphone-unavailable, he has a lot of nervous energy and anxiety to express in the form of nagging, obsessing, political rants, etc. Me? After he went to be early last night with his iPad and headphones, I sat on the couch on Christmas night thinking, "This sucks. I'm lonesome and I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally. I'd rather be alone ." My head knows not to expect a lot in early days of sobriety, to give him some space, take care of myself. So we're two people one week into our respective sobrieties, alcohol and co-dependence, and I would appreciate any helpful hints on navigating this early period.

Hawkeye13

Hi Branches;
Have you thought about trying an AA or AlAnon meeting, or both?
Some find the community very helpful and sitting home alone while he lives on his headphones sounds terrible.
Nagging and political rants sound worse, however. . .

Do you think one cause your (mutual) addiction may have an underlying cause of unhappiness in the relationship?

If you don't have connection and interaction as a couple, it is hard to find happiness.

Getting sober for me was a real wake up about how much of my relationship "connection"
was driven by us getting loaded together.

Now that I don't, (he still does) it has been a real strain but we have made
some slow progress connecting in other ways again.
This takes considerable work on both sides, and you may need marital counseling
to get past the difficult parts.

However, no matter what, getting off the booze remains the best thing I have ever done for me
no matter what happens in the relationship.
Work on your own recovery, and let life bring you the rest. . .

Branches

Oh, yes, in looking back I think our relationship had a solid basis in our mutual love for entertaining, good food and good martinis, good wine, etc. I thought he was light-hearted and positive (!!) but that's because he was mostly coasting on a nice little MJ buzz. We've been married ten years, and as he has made various attempts at getting clean and sober, I have realized that in actuality he's the opposite. I was reading Codependent No More this week, and she talks about codependents who turn into alcoholics because of the chaos in their lives. A lightbulb went off, and I would venture to say that was his initial teenage reason for getting high - a lot of drama and chaos in his family, but not alcoholism - and he was nominated to be the fixit guy. So he smoked weed and fixed it. He's one of the most energetic, hard-working stoners around - smoke a doobie and do yardwork for eight hours - looks perfect. Smoke a doobie and clean the house from top to bottom. He was also a heck of a lot more easygoing high, speaking selfishly. When he's straight, he reminds me of my mother (LOL). In my case, I'm pretty confident I'm a codependent from a non-alcoholic family - but I had a pretty depressed and negative mom who gave us the "shoulds" and "don't make people feel bad" gospel very early in life. So, what we do have in common is codependency - yay - and a tendency to medicate our anxiety. We also, and this is a very good thing, share a common faith, a few common interests, so it's not all bad. We are going to an AA tonight and I plan to go to Alanon this coming week. I hope he'll come too, but I won't make an issue out of it. I'm learning to navigate this: to detach, not jump in with solutions/suggestions, but what I would really love to learn is how not to be an emotional sponge, not to be so sensitive to other people's emotional states that I walk on eggshells if other people are upset. That was a useful tool growing up with my mom - lie low and live another day - but it's emotionally exhausting now. Thanks for the advice and for listening!

Bekindalways

Welcome Branches, it does sound like you and your husband have some good ideas about how to go about this. Congratulations on taking this first step. May recovery bring you many happy surprises.

Man oh man, I hear and live this >>>> "to detach, not jump in with solutions/suggestions, but what I would really love to learn is how not to be an emotional sponge, not to be so sensitive to other people's emotional states that I walk on eggshells if other people are upset."

Figure out what you need and want in life, take care of yourself, exercise, eat healthy and keep posting here. There is a lot of wisdom on this forum.

findingme26

I don't have any advice about early sobriety, but I'm here with you in solidarity. I feel that same loneliness and just want to reach out to my partner for comfort, but it's just not there right now. I am getting a lot of good out of Al-Anon meetings, so I second that suggestion!

Berrybean

It's very early - I promise, if you stick with it, things WILL get better. This is just a transient stage.

Try to get to as many meetings as you can - maybe some without him as well as the ones with him. I suspect that if you are together you'll miss out on some of the approaches from ladies there who are potential AA / AlAnon friends.

I have been in AA almost 20 months now and can honestly say that I have made some truly amazing friends in the rooms. Friends who I can actually talk to about everything and anything in my life, past and present - because there is no judgement and they understand.

It might also be worth you getting out and about and meeting other people in other ways. He's likely to be a little detached and distant while he works on his recovery - he will also need to do a lot of the work either with a sponsor or on his own, so it's best to be prepared for that. You can't be his sole confident or sponsor. That's nothing personal, just the way it is.

It's great that you love entertaining - hopefully there is a fantastic sober future ahead where you can use those entertaining skills to host some amazing sober parties. A couple I know who are both in AA had a wonderful Christmas day sober party and invited anyone in their home group who would have been alone on Christmas day - I was invited, but my partner is still heavily drinking, but we are together, so I made do with just the meeting after the party. Quite envious though - I bet it was lovely. There were a lot of people went - and a lot of people who said it really helped them to stay sober this Christmas, and gave them something to look forward to in the holidays. Entertaining and being entertained doesn't need to revolve around alcohol, the same as company for you doesn't need to revolve around him.

Branches

Thank you, Beccybean, for your reply. Your comment about DH being distant as he works on his own recovery was comforting. I am trying to not make it about me. I plan on hitting Alanon on my own, and I really like your idea about sober entertaining in the future - once we're on a little more solid footing with our own sobriety. That would be a lot of fun. Thanks for the encouragement.