just a vent feeling a little blue
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
just a vent feeling a little blue
I'm a bit bummed out now. Christmas was ok better than I expected. kids came over in the A.M. for a couple of hours. (I spent the day at my sisters which was enjoyable) They had to go to their grandma's for Christmas there, where the grandma over did it again with the spending on her grandkids. (spends $1000s of dollars on Christmas and then says they are broke and can't afford Christmas like this again and next year do it again, moving again 3rd time in 10 years to down size because they can't afford where they are living) All three got nice expensive stuff from the ex in laws for Christmas I did ok in the gift department, all paid for, credit card were not used.
Kids came over tonight for about 2 hours again. Was talking about the ex husband moving tomorrow. He bought a house and is giving each of the kids their own room. All three is excited about that.
I just don't understand and I probably will never understand. My ex treated me like I was lower than dirt, looked down on me, caused me all sort of problems and they (my kids)are falling all over him and his family.
Besides cooking them a few things and doing a few things with them (I am not rich) how do I compete?
I am fighting the urge to pack up the rest of their stuff and send it with them to their dads.
I Still want to move across the county to get away from this.(maybe I do run away too much)
Cricket
Kids came over tonight for about 2 hours again. Was talking about the ex husband moving tomorrow. He bought a house and is giving each of the kids their own room. All three is excited about that.
I just don't understand and I probably will never understand. My ex treated me like I was lower than dirt, looked down on me, caused me all sort of problems and they (my kids)are falling all over him and his family.
Besides cooking them a few things and doing a few things with them (I am not rich) how do I compete?
I am fighting the urge to pack up the rest of their stuff and send it with them to their dads.
I Still want to move across the county to get away from this.(maybe I do run away too much)
Cricket
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
C-
Look what you are jealous of? You have nothing to be jealous about. He is a train wreck and you aren't. I am sorry you are down, be grateful that the grandparents still want to spoil the kids, it is Christmas.
Sit back and in time you will know if you are strong enough to make that move. You will know in time what to do, don't force a solution that you might regret later on.
Hugs my friend and be grateful you have beautiful healthy kids, a roof over your head and clothes on your back, you are BLESSED!!
Look what you are jealous of? You have nothing to be jealous about. He is a train wreck and you aren't. I am sorry you are down, be grateful that the grandparents still want to spoil the kids, it is Christmas.
Sit back and in time you will know if you are strong enough to make that move. You will know in time what to do, don't force a solution that you might regret later on.
Hugs my friend and be grateful you have beautiful healthy kids, a roof over your head and clothes on your back, you are BLESSED!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by cricket123 
.... I'm a bit bummed out now....
Originally Posted by cricket123
.... I just don't understand and I probably will never understand. ...
I've given up on that. Given up on understanding the mind of an addict, and given up on trying to get people, and life, to meet my expectations.
Originally Posted by cricket123
.... how do I compete? ...
You can give your kids something they won't appreciate today, but which they will appreciate when they grow up and start raising their own kids. It is also something they will never get from that sick bunch. You can give them love.
As the child of alcoholics I did not get any love from the adults in my family, and it wasn't until I became an adult that I recognized the damage that caused me. The adults I am deeply grateful to are the school teachers, counselors, social workers and even some cops who reached out to me and served as my substitute role models.
Those good people did not love me, all they did was show a little bit of kindness, yet they are the ones I look back to with deep gratitude.
Originally Posted by cricket123
.... I Still want to move across the county to get away from this....
With a clear mind, and after discussing things with my friends and sponsor, I always find a simpler solution.
I'm sorry you are hurting, I hope you can get thru the pain quickly and back to living the healthy, happy life all us codies deserve.
Mike
lost n exhausted
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
As the child of alcoholics I did not get any love from the adults in my family, and it wasn't until I became an adult that I recognized the damage that caused me.
Mike
Mike
Hugs to you Mike
Originally Posted by cricket123
I just don't understand and I probably will never understand. My ex treated me like I was lower than dirt, looked down on me, caused me all sort of problems and they (my kids)are falling all over him and his family.
Besides cooking them a few things and doing a few things with them (I am not rich) how do I compete?
Besides cooking them a few things and doing a few things with them (I am not rich) how do I compete?
You sound like an affectionate and loving parent. It may take time (years) or no time at all but most kids will see the gig for what it really is. A few years of dealing with parents separately will make them see clearly as they mature. You don't need to compete as long as you consistently show the kids who you really are.
Hopefully, you will be the one the kids turn to when they seek love, attention and encouragement...and they will go to Dad and his parents when they need help with that car or college tuition. That could work out well for you later on!
Some people work out their own karma after mistreating people they are supposed to/promise to love and you don't have to do a thing.
I've felt like running away for sure to escape my son's drama, and I do plan on selling house and leaving town but only because I wanted to do it twenty years ago before issues took root in my life
not to sound like a hypocrite. Hope you are felling better Cricket!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
This isn't a competition. Their love for their dad doesn't diminish their love for you. Right now, everything is a novelty. New house, new rooms. When life settles down, and the shininess has worn off, they will still have one dependable parent.
Some of the ugliest post-divorce scenarios I've seen have the parents competing over the children. It's pretty awful for the kids.
I'm glad you had a peaceful holiday.
Some of the ugliest post-divorce scenarios I've seen have the parents competing over the children. It's pretty awful for the kids.
I'm glad you had a peaceful holiday.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Cricket.....I am with Mike, here......the people who had the most influence in my life did not spend money on me......especially my dear grandmother....who cared deeply for me and shared what little she had....but, she didn't have any money....
She showed me how to be a person....a genuine, sincere, honest person. A caring person.....She taught how to face adversity and how to always appreciate what one has.....I still think of her every single day of my life!!
Our culture is a material culture....and, we raise kids to value material things over all else....our symbols of "success" tend to be material posessions......
(I am speaking in general, of course).....
Young people tend to receive these message of the marketing people and will become hedonistic consumers.....if allowed....they develop a great sense of material "entitlement", that way. But, they are YOUNG....and the real world, at large, will teach them a few lessons along that line!
This whole thing is being felt, by you, as a giant competition for love......
Love is not a competition. Love either IS or isn't......
It might be useful to remember that your kids can't "see" your marriage though YOUR eyes. They weren't adults....they saw it through their own eyes....
they don't see it as their job to delve out the "justice"....by cling to you and rejecting him and his family.....
They aren't even grown, yet....and their brains aren't even fully developed, yet.
You may be expecting too much......they can't be judge and jury on your marriage.....Even you feel confused....how do your expect them to not be?
This is going to take time....time.....time.....
Iv'e said it before, and, I will say it again....I believe your desire to move thousands of miles away is reflective of your desire to become disentangled from the issues in this family.....and, I think that is a healthy DESIRE.....you do need to disentangle from the dysfunction of the relationship with your husband...and you do need to have better boundaries with your kids and more of your own self esteem......
This is where lawyers (lol)...alanon, therapists, and, good friendships can help you......
The more self aware you become....the easier this will get....
Yes, you may need to move further away....you will figure out how far and how soon.....Yes, you need your own life....and, not just live a life that is purely reactive to what everyone else wants or is doing......
You need your husband to be in your rear view mirror.
A happy mother is the best role model that you can be for your children
Good for you on not over-spending on Christmas! good example for them.
You don't want them to grow up hating their father and their grandparents and their aunts. uncles and cousins (on either side)...do you? Happy adults do not look back o n their families with hate.....
Try your best not to "compete" with your husband....just remove yourself from his circle of I nfluence........
dandylion
\
She showed me how to be a person....a genuine, sincere, honest person. A caring person.....She taught how to face adversity and how to always appreciate what one has.....I still think of her every single day of my life!!
Our culture is a material culture....and, we raise kids to value material things over all else....our symbols of "success" tend to be material posessions......
(I am speaking in general, of course).....
Young people tend to receive these message of the marketing people and will become hedonistic consumers.....if allowed....they develop a great sense of material "entitlement", that way. But, they are YOUNG....and the real world, at large, will teach them a few lessons along that line!
This whole thing is being felt, by you, as a giant competition for love......
Love is not a competition. Love either IS or isn't......
It might be useful to remember that your kids can't "see" your marriage though YOUR eyes. They weren't adults....they saw it through their own eyes....
they don't see it as their job to delve out the "justice"....by cling to you and rejecting him and his family.....
They aren't even grown, yet....and their brains aren't even fully developed, yet.
You may be expecting too much......they can't be judge and jury on your marriage.....Even you feel confused....how do your expect them to not be?
This is going to take time....time.....time.....
Iv'e said it before, and, I will say it again....I believe your desire to move thousands of miles away is reflective of your desire to become disentangled from the issues in this family.....and, I think that is a healthy DESIRE.....you do need to disentangle from the dysfunction of the relationship with your husband...and you do need to have better boundaries with your kids and more of your own self esteem......
This is where lawyers (lol)...alanon, therapists, and, good friendships can help you......
The more self aware you become....the easier this will get....
Yes, you may need to move further away....you will figure out how far and how soon.....Yes, you need your own life....and, not just live a life that is purely reactive to what everyone else wants or is doing......
You need your husband to be in your rear view mirror.
A happy mother is the best role model that you can be for your children
Good for you on not over-spending on Christmas! good example for them.
You don't want them to grow up hating their father and their grandparents and their aunts. uncles and cousins (on either side)...do you? Happy adults do not look back o n their families with hate.....
Try your best not to "compete" with your husband....just remove yourself from his circle of I nfluence........
dandylion
\
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
as i read this your children DID come and spend WITH YOU, as well as spending time with other extended family. they didn't ignore you, they didn't CHOOSE their father OVER you. so what if others gave them nice gifts? these are your CHILDREN, shouldn't you be happy for them???
and isn't it better that dad got a house with room for each of them, rather than a 1bd bachelor pad where they have to sleep on the floor? isn't that a GOOD thing.........again, for them?
parenting isn't a competition. it's about loving your kids and wanting good things for them. even if those good things don't come from YOU.
and isn't it better that dad got a house with room for each of them, rather than a 1bd bachelor pad where they have to sleep on the floor? isn't that a GOOD thing.........again, for them?
parenting isn't a competition. it's about loving your kids and wanting good things for them. even if those good things don't come from YOU.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
I will have to think on this competition thing. I know I can't compete with their money, and I think that is one reason why the kids are with him. I want them to live with me, not him as I think he is a train wreck and does not need to influence them more than he already has.
The other thing that is very frustrating is when the ex decided to walk away from the house payment and I had to take it over, he created a mess for me to clean up. example he was storing dry wall in our travel trailer and when he took the trailer over the 4th of july he threw the drywall out into the side yard into the weeds (refused to mow that area - you should see the pole barn - embarrassing ) and it is sitting there still. I work anywhere from 50-70 hours a week and do not have a whole lot of time to pick up much.
side vent - I am refusing to buy paper plates because he would cook the dogs breakfast and tear a paper plate in 1/2 and give each dog a 1/2 plate but then not pick it up and throw it away (dogs had a ball with the plates) - I am still finding pieces of paper plates 4 months later.
For some reason I feel like I can't ask the kids to help me clean anything because if they say anything to their dad it would cause them problems. I am looking to find someone to clean the barn and other stuff but again it is something I will have to pay someone to do and with 2 jobs at $9 something an hour it will cut into living expenses.
So I do have a lot of frustrations trying to be detached, I don't want to just cut them out of my life but boy it sure would be less complicated.
Sorry for the long vent I will definitely think on some things.
The other thing that is very frustrating is when the ex decided to walk away from the house payment and I had to take it over, he created a mess for me to clean up. example he was storing dry wall in our travel trailer and when he took the trailer over the 4th of july he threw the drywall out into the side yard into the weeds (refused to mow that area - you should see the pole barn - embarrassing ) and it is sitting there still. I work anywhere from 50-70 hours a week and do not have a whole lot of time to pick up much.
side vent - I am refusing to buy paper plates because he would cook the dogs breakfast and tear a paper plate in 1/2 and give each dog a 1/2 plate but then not pick it up and throw it away (dogs had a ball with the plates) - I am still finding pieces of paper plates 4 months later.
For some reason I feel like I can't ask the kids to help me clean anything because if they say anything to their dad it would cause them problems. I am looking to find someone to clean the barn and other stuff but again it is something I will have to pay someone to do and with 2 jobs at $9 something an hour it will cut into living expenses.
So I do have a lot of frustrations trying to be detached, I don't want to just cut them out of my life but boy it sure would be less complicated.
Sorry for the long vent I will definitely think on some things.
Last edited by cricket123; 12-26-2015 at 07:56 AM. Reason: adding
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
You know, there are worse problems than dealing with some trash.
I suggest you do what I did when I began cleaning out my mother's 2600 square foot house packed with crap, in some rooms over my head.
Buy some contractor bags a Lowes or Sams, mark out a 3' to 5' foot square space,
and clean only that up--drywall, weeds, whatever.
Do one or two of these spaces on the weekend, as you feel motivated.
It shouldn't take more than an hour for a 3 foot space to get picked up.
Don't make the bags too heavy--take to the curb with regular trash weekly.
You will be amazed how quick things will clean up and you won't have to pay
anybody.
I couldn't afford to pay anyone either, and doing it myself gave me the satisfaction of closure on the addict's mess.
Be proactive and positive and before you know it, it will be done
I suggest you do what I did when I began cleaning out my mother's 2600 square foot house packed with crap, in some rooms over my head.
Buy some contractor bags a Lowes or Sams, mark out a 3' to 5' foot square space,
and clean only that up--drywall, weeds, whatever.
Do one or two of these spaces on the weekend, as you feel motivated.
It shouldn't take more than an hour for a 3 foot space to get picked up.
Don't make the bags too heavy--take to the curb with regular trash weekly.
You will be amazed how quick things will clean up and you won't have to pay
anybody.
I couldn't afford to pay anyone either, and doing it myself gave me the satisfaction of closure on the addict's mess.
Be proactive and positive and before you know it, it will be done
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Cricket......maybe it would help if you tried to separate the various issues into separate categories.....in your mind.....
It seems l ike the various resentments, angers, etc. are overlapping so much that there is just one big snowball of anger......
I really do get it that you would resent having to clean up the messes that he left behind.....and, yes, you are way overworked.....but what can you realistically do about it...?? This is the consequence of having lived with him....and, you can't undo it.... I think it is o.k.....normal to scream at the heavens.... It might do you some good to let some of the negative energy out....
About the kids....of course, ask them to help when you need it....they are part of the family....they need to learn responsibility.....
Leave their relationship with their father up to them!!!! You can't protect them from that. They will learn when to open their mouths and when to keep them shut.....Let them get the full experience of their father....all the ugly parts, too. They are n ot little ones, any more......Let them get the full and complete picture of him......
They seem to want to live with him.....LET them. It may have to do with more than just money.....If he is a walking train wreck---they will discover that o n their own....much quicker than with you j ust telling them that.....
If you keep your hands off.....they will never be able to throw it up to you later...."You kept us from our dad. You didn't let us get to k now him....you just badmouthed him"
Think about it......
As you get into recovery....much of this seething anger at him will begin to dissipate.......
time....time....time.....detach.....detach.....det ach.....
And, as I have been telling you....over and over....keep growing a thick rhino skin......
dandylion
It seems l ike the various resentments, angers, etc. are overlapping so much that there is just one big snowball of anger......
I really do get it that you would resent having to clean up the messes that he left behind.....and, yes, you are way overworked.....but what can you realistically do about it...?? This is the consequence of having lived with him....and, you can't undo it.... I think it is o.k.....normal to scream at the heavens.... It might do you some good to let some of the negative energy out....
About the kids....of course, ask them to help when you need it....they are part of the family....they need to learn responsibility.....
Leave their relationship with their father up to them!!!! You can't protect them from that. They will learn when to open their mouths and when to keep them shut.....Let them get the full experience of their father....all the ugly parts, too. They are n ot little ones, any more......Let them get the full and complete picture of him......
They seem to want to live with him.....LET them. It may have to do with more than just money.....If he is a walking train wreck---they will discover that o n their own....much quicker than with you j ust telling them that.....
If you keep your hands off.....they will never be able to throw it up to you later...."You kept us from our dad. You didn't let us get to k now him....you just badmouthed him"
Think about it......
As you get into recovery....much of this seething anger at him will begin to dissipate.......
time....time....time.....detach.....detach.....det ach.....
And, as I have been telling you....over and over....keep growing a thick rhino skin......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Cricket,
I think that you might have been following some of my story recently, you can also click on my name and read prior posts.
I freaked out for many years because my kids would not talk to me, and it was on and off, and on and off over and over again. I finally let go. If they wanted to think certain things about me, they could, I can't control that. Within 3 months or less, they are starting to come back. It may be slowly, but it is a lot better then before.
(((((hugs)))))
amy
I think that you might have been following some of my story recently, you can also click on my name and read prior posts.
I freaked out for many years because my kids would not talk to me, and it was on and off, and on and off over and over again. I finally let go. If they wanted to think certain things about me, they could, I can't control that. Within 3 months or less, they are starting to come back. It may be slowly, but it is a lot better then before.
(((((hugs)))))
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
I have given lots of though to this competition with my ex in laws and even though I have a little bit of competitive nature, I quit competing with them a long time ago.
I've had a couple of days off and I realize that I have a bit of depression going on. Today I did very little, it was a rare day off but usually I do a lot more things around the house.
During our high conflict divorce my Ex husband told me our kids want nothing to do with me because I am crazy(projection) so he is making it happen. Some people on here tell me not to be paranoid and I try not to be, but he has done very sneaky things during our marriage so I know why I am paranoid about his motives. He said he was going to make sure I was alone.
As for my in laws I don't trust them either they are a tight group in denial and don't realize how bad ExAH is. My therapist thinks he is at the beginning of end stage alcoholism. Exmil will deny any wrong doing of her son to the day she dies.
My holiday with my kids has gone like this Christmas eve they spent with their dad and his mom, step dad and sister. (the court ordered Christmas eve with me for the 17 year old) Christmas day they came over to get their gifts for a couple of hours in the AM and after a big Christmas party with their dad and his family stopped by here again for an hour or 2. I did not see them until last night when dd spent the night after visiting her roommate in a near by tourists town. She had to take her twin home after her twin took a shower(they have no hot water at his house) then came back. (by the way he moved the town that I grew up in). So I got to visit with her for about an hour. She left around 11 this morning to go on an outing with the ex's sister. I'm off tomorrow and doubt if I will see them. I am working Wed. and Thursday. They will have dinner out with the ex in laws on New years eve, not sure what will happen after. New years day they will have dinner at the inlaws. I have not been informed of any time they may want to spend here.
And Aside from the ex leaving a bunch of junk here I think I am expected to store 1/2 their stuff without being informed I am doing so.
If I don't call them I can hear the ex telling them I don't care I'm selfish, if I do call I am interfering. If I send their stuff to them I don't care, if I organize it, pack it away then I don't want them over. I know this sound like I am paranoid but this is what he did when we were living together. He would hide my coat/things then tell me he doesn't know what I did with it. I think he still has my car keys that he is insisting I lost.
sorry a bit of a rant/vent just seeking understanding
I've had a couple of days off and I realize that I have a bit of depression going on. Today I did very little, it was a rare day off but usually I do a lot more things around the house.
During our high conflict divorce my Ex husband told me our kids want nothing to do with me because I am crazy(projection) so he is making it happen. Some people on here tell me not to be paranoid and I try not to be, but he has done very sneaky things during our marriage so I know why I am paranoid about his motives. He said he was going to make sure I was alone.
As for my in laws I don't trust them either they are a tight group in denial and don't realize how bad ExAH is. My therapist thinks he is at the beginning of end stage alcoholism. Exmil will deny any wrong doing of her son to the day she dies.
My holiday with my kids has gone like this Christmas eve they spent with their dad and his mom, step dad and sister. (the court ordered Christmas eve with me for the 17 year old) Christmas day they came over to get their gifts for a couple of hours in the AM and after a big Christmas party with their dad and his family stopped by here again for an hour or 2. I did not see them until last night when dd spent the night after visiting her roommate in a near by tourists town. She had to take her twin home after her twin took a shower(they have no hot water at his house) then came back. (by the way he moved the town that I grew up in). So I got to visit with her for about an hour. She left around 11 this morning to go on an outing with the ex's sister. I'm off tomorrow and doubt if I will see them. I am working Wed. and Thursday. They will have dinner out with the ex in laws on New years eve, not sure what will happen after. New years day they will have dinner at the inlaws. I have not been informed of any time they may want to spend here.
And Aside from the ex leaving a bunch of junk here I think I am expected to store 1/2 their stuff without being informed I am doing so.
If I don't call them I can hear the ex telling them I don't care I'm selfish, if I do call I am interfering. If I send their stuff to them I don't care, if I organize it, pack it away then I don't want them over. I know this sound like I am paranoid but this is what he did when we were living together. He would hide my coat/things then tell me he doesn't know what I did with it. I think he still has my car keys that he is insisting I lost.
sorry a bit of a rant/vent just seeking understanding
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
If I don't call them I can hear the ex telling them I don't care I'm selfish, if I do call I am interfering. If I send their stuff to them I don't care, if I organize it, pack it away then I don't want them over. I know this sound like I am paranoid but this is what he did when we were living together. He would hide my coat/things then tell me he doesn't know what I did with it. I think he still has my car keys that he is insisting I lost.
It sounds like he's continuing his very insidious abuse of you even now. I'm really sorry you've experienced all of this crazymaking behavior. I'm certainly not going to tell you to get over it or anything like that, but you have talked about getting (literal) distance between you and them. The thing is, I think that even if you moved to Timbuktu, your ex would find a way to keep his nastiness going, even if he had to do it with smoke signals and skywriting.
You've been made to feel crazy and generally like a bad person, but it really is him. Maybe some figurative distance would help. Can you make an effort to NGAF (as the kids say these days) about what these people (including your kids) might or might not think of you? Your ex is your ex, your inlaws are also ex, and eventually your kids are going to start seeing through the smoke and mirrors. As hurtful as it is, the best thing is to probably just give them time. For now, do what is going to give you peace.
And I agree about the depression. I have struggled with depression throughout my life, and it might be a good idea to make an appointment and discuss it with your doctor.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Cricket, he will talk you down to your children whatever you do, so I suggest you stop the self-talk and just do what you think best.
If the children have moved out permanently, and it sounds likely, by all means invite them take the stuff they want to keep to Dads. If they don't want to, let them know you'll be having a big clear-out yourself and it will be chucked. They probably won't care; young people often want to keep stuff but don't notice when it's gone.
Now is the time to keep your nerve. Your AH is teaching them disrespect for you, and you have to assert your personality and self-respect. They may challenge this, and their might be some short-term rifts, but as time passes they will learn respect from your behaviour and value you more, not less.
I suggest you contact your AH and ask him to move the dry-wall. If he says no, at least you've had your say and asserted your rights. I'm not sure how you're going financially, but please consider hiring some skips and a labourer to clean up around the place, as it's getting you down.
You most definitely don't need money to compete with AH in the long run. Quality time doesn't cost money; it might be meeting for a coffee or going for a walk. Moving away will just solidify your sense of defeat.
If the children have moved out permanently, and it sounds likely, by all means invite them take the stuff they want to keep to Dads. If they don't want to, let them know you'll be having a big clear-out yourself and it will be chucked. They probably won't care; young people often want to keep stuff but don't notice when it's gone.
Now is the time to keep your nerve. Your AH is teaching them disrespect for you, and you have to assert your personality and self-respect. They may challenge this, and their might be some short-term rifts, but as time passes they will learn respect from your behaviour and value you more, not less.
I suggest you contact your AH and ask him to move the dry-wall. If he says no, at least you've had your say and asserted your rights. I'm not sure how you're going financially, but please consider hiring some skips and a labourer to clean up around the place, as it's getting you down.
You most definitely don't need money to compete with AH in the long run. Quality time doesn't cost money; it might be meeting for a coffee or going for a walk. Moving away will just solidify your sense of defeat.
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