keeppushing

So in my attempts at sobriety (I've managed to get to day 5 this time around) I have cut ties with my drinking buddies a while ago. But as I haven't quite reached sobriety, I have not broken into the sober crowd (truth to tell I'm trying to locate them) and my wife is away. During the Xmas season I have never felt so lonely as I can see and hear others bonding but I feel lonely more than I ever have.

Yes I know there is SR but that does not completely fill my need for in person human contact.

It got close today. "Stop ostracizing yourself" it whispered. *sigh* I avoided losing sight of my goals and am about to go to bed sober. I guess this transition is a price one has to pay, but it hurts. At least for me. I dread the next few days.

Thanks for listening,

KP

Garden1228

5 days is awesome!

Anna

Five days is great.

I suggest getting out in your community and see what you can for other people to help those in need to have a good Christmas. You will meet new people and feel good about what you are doing.

Meraviglioso

Hey KP, I can totally relate to your feelings of loneliness. I imagine our situations are a bit different but I understand you nonetheless. I have been feeling really blue as well and it is getting worse the closer we come to Christmas. Part of my stuff is missing my family, friends and traditions of home as I am very far away from all of them and all of that. But another part, a big part, is the day to day loneliness I feel. I don't have any friends here- not sober ones, not ones that drink, no friends. It is sad for me and hard to accept but it IS very real. I could drink over it, as could you. alcohol and being drunk or hungover does, legitimately, fill the time and make the hours pass. But drinking is not good for me as I suspect it is not good for you. I have had a lot of trouble just simply getting through the days. I know it is important to stay busy and active while new to recovery so I have embraced that fully. But that has been a blessing and a curse. I have gone wild shopping, buying, wrapping, decorating, attending, dressing, doing, cleaning, yes yes yes do all the things!!!! So I am now a few days out from Chirstmas and have done everything. Alll the shopping is done, I have wrapped everything, I have bought all the supplies for the foods I will cook, I have mailed cards and cooked and done and done and done. Then the evening comes and I am left with nothing. I get sad, I miss home, I miss my family, I cry, I re-clean, I cry some more. Something that has helped me is to "make a plan for Christmas" It might not be completely, psychologically healthy for the long term, but it is helping me pass the moments sober. I literally plan out my down time. I make a list of things to do once I have completed all of my essential tasks. Take a bath. Put on lotion. Make a tea. Drink tea. Read a chapter of the book. re-organize the Christmas tree. Listen to Christmas music.
It is sad, lame, empty and soulless, but it is keeping me sober.
Again, this does not address the loneliness, I wish I had answers for you for that but I really don't, but it does help to fill the time and keep your mind and body busy. I hope someone will come along with wiser words for you.

doggonecarl

While congratulations are in order for 5 days sober, five days is extremely early in recovery. Feeling sadness, trying to find the reason for it, giving it a name (loneliness, grief, depression) is to be expected. You are still feeling the effects of alcohol and the despair of alcoholism.

Being told that won't banish it, I know. But I hope it helps to know it's part of the sober journey. One that must be traveled and suffered through.

I volunteered for homeless shelter my first sober Christmas. It was an enlightening experience. Sounds like you might benefit from a heartfelt "thank you" from another human being.

Soberwolf

What Anna said

keeppushing

Mer,

Thank you so much for opening up like this. I appreciate everybody else's responses, suggestions and encouragement, but I wasn't looking for something to do so much as lamenting the lack of human connection, which is built over time and not a single day. Especially connections built on anything other than just being sober.

Mer, it is so helpful to hear someone else's story and share common threads. I felt very vulnerable writing my original post and you responding and sharing your vulnerability was just...wonderful. I cried quite a bit over the last few days and I'm a guy from a culture that does not allow boys let alone men to cry (I'm not Christian, my wife is, but Xmas has become an institution for has and been some of our fondest memories).

Thank you Mer for sharing your loneliness.
Thank you all once again for your amazing support.

KP

sleepie

Hi keeppushing.
Good for you on sticking to sobriety despite loneliness.
It is very difficult.

Dee74

Hi Keeppushing

I don;t know about you but I spent years as a drinker...I didn't end up where I was in a couple of weeks...so it makes sense that any new life we build is going to take a little time too

5 days is still early...at five days I was still trying, with everything I had, not to drink.

Once you have the not drinking down, then you can widen your focus to the kind of life you want.

Anna's idea of volunteer service is a good one to get you out of the house and reconnecting with people in a relaxed low key way

D

MythOfSisyphus

Hang in there, KP! Sobriety is kind of like a life preserver. It will keep you from drowning but you still need to get back to shore. It seems to me that a lot of addiction is caused at least in part by feelings of isolation, of otherness, of loneliness. We use drugs and alcohol to cope with our feelings but it's a crutch that doesn't address that true problem.

Meraviglioso

You are going through a major transition. Not just psychologically but physiologically as well. Your body is cleaning itself out. I think dying is very healthy at this point and really may help things move along. Don't listen to Robert Smith, bus DO cry!
I don't know what to tell you about the loneliness. I really don't. You could volunteer- I am going to start that in the new year. THat will provide you with some human contact. But I know it isn't the same as a friendship. I am surrounded by people all day long, yet I am alone. It is not just passing an hour with some other nice folks that I need, I need a deep connection of friendship with even just one other human being.
I have a lovely relationship with a wonderful man but I don't want to depend on him for everything. I want a girlfriend who I can call to do "girl stuff" and whatever it is that I used to do when I had female friends. Chat, watch tv together, talk about things serious and not so serious.
The problem is friendships take a huge accumulation of time together in order to blossom. All of my past friends I made by being in school with them for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week or when we were roommates and lived together, or when we worked together in a fun environment.
There is no opportunity for that kind of continuous and repeated interaction in my life right now. I've got kids and responsibilities, others have the same. We just don't have time to spend getting to know one another. Plus, it appears as though the people I have tried to get to know already have plenty of friends to whom they dedicate their time.
I have resigned myself to the fact that this is the way it will be. I take my joy any which way I can get it- time spent with my kids, my boyfriend, family and friends back him when I am able to get back- but otherwise, I need to find peace with being alone. It is not easy.

OpenTuning

Hi Keeppushing,

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down right now. Loneliness is painful at the best of times, and around Christmas it's particularly hard to bear. While perhaps not a long term solution (though you never know who you might meet) Anna's suggestion about volunteering over the holidays to help people worse off than yourself could well help raise your own spirits.

I've also been thinking a lot about friendships lately. I've realised that I have quite a few acquaintances, but nobody I would call a really close friend. No "best mates". I've lost all contact with everyone I knew before I moved to where I live now (like Mera I'm an expat living in a foreign country, though with a, more or less, shared language) and my family lives thousands of miles away.

And part of the reason for this I think is alcohol. My social life was pubs, getting drunk with people and having shallow drink fuelled conversations. I didn't really make an effort to push for anything more meaningful than that. And now that I'm sober I'm really regretting all those wasted years. Not getting to know so many good people because they weren't part of that scene.

So my goal, I guess I could make it a New Years Resolution, is to try and make some real friends. As Mera says, one good one would do. And it is a bit tricky. In the past if I met someone interesting it would be "let's go for a drink sometime". The default for evening meetings here in the UK. I need to figure out the alternatives that are equally casual.

Meraviglioso

HOLY TYPO! I can't edit it now! CRYING. Crying is healthy. Not dying.
I feel certain that was understood, but I had to clarify to be sure!!!!!

Vona71

I've been hovering over this post for a while now, afraid to add my two cents. Perhaps because I don't want to admit my own loneliness. I have friends, drinkers and non-drinkers, and I try to be social, but I am lonely most of the time. I can be with friends, but still feel alone. I know it is because I am not a sharer. For some reason, I am afraid to share my feelings with others. I try, and when I do, I am mad at myself for divulging personal information, even to those whom I am closest.

Typing this opens up only partially healed wounds. My mother was my only true confidant. She passed a few years ago, and I miss her so much.

I am thinking of you Keeppushing, and thank you for sharing your feelings.

(((hugs)))

Zebra1275

Yes I know there is SR but that does not completely fill my need for in person human contact.

For me, going to an AA meeting fills this void.

Mel12

Hi KP - Subtracting alcohol imploded my social life. The benefits of sobriety, however, leave me way ahead. Still, reconstructing a social life remains a concern. Thank you for raising this important issue.

keeppushing

Maybe dying will move things along: no more drinking, no more loneliness. But I'll assume you meant crying.

By the way everyone, thanks to your support, things seem to be getting better. Got through the crisis and am starting day 7.

KP

keeppushing

Thanks Vona. About opening up you might find this interesting: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brow...ty?language=en

All the best,

KP

ubntubnt

That's a nice way of putting it. Can't swim to shore if I have just drowned but not drowning is still just the first step, albeit a rather important one, I still need to learn how to swim.
Building friendships is hard....but not as hard as stopping drinking. Not as hard as almost poisoning myself to death each week and having to drag myself through life.
If someone pi$$ed away 30 years is it too long if making some friends takes a few months or even a year or two? Please don't drink, just stay on this path, your life will rebuild with time.
Personally when I travel, and get lonely in hotel rooms, I join a local hiking club at the weekend. Some nice exercise, scenery and people who also want to enjoy some companionship. Works every time.