Iwishonstars777

Just thought I'd share. My husband and I had a great talk. I'm not sure if I can call it a talk or..im not sure. Lol maybe a heated talk. But it was actually good. I got to hear him out on things I didn't think of like he did. Or on things he's been trying to get through to me. I was able to talk to him about things I want him to better understand. I was able to tell him I'm trying and I really am proud of the dedication he has had. I've just been so selfish to look at it in a different way. I know it's so much easier to bitch about his faults, the past, and what I think he should be doing. I know im going about it all wrong. He started a job today paying cash so we could afford christmas for the girls. I am excited for him and proud that he wants to do that...for us. Not to get money to get high. I still had in the back of my mind that he would go spend some of the money on h. I so badly want those bad habits and old thoughts to change. I know I can't control what he does. Nor can I cure it. But I can control how I think about things. And I can control my reactions. He explained how he wanted to do something a certain way as to not get on trouble with the irs...my opinion was naive to his statement and I better understood what he was doing after he explained. I've always felt he has a thing or two or three to teach me. I'm wondering if now is the time for that. I would call him an old soul. He's experienced a lot, more than I ever will in my life. I wish I could just surrender and accept and change things. I know once I do, it will be easier to adjust to the new. I feel I'm having more insight into what should be done or how I should be concentrating on this rather than that, because that is only causing problems. However I feel I've known, it's just the doing and practicing and living part of it. He did give me some tips on how I should go about the day and what would help me concentrate on myself. I'm baffled, in a good way, in a weird way. I feel the tables have turned and instead of me having my **** together, it's him. (Even though we are far from it...he's got the steps ahead of me..the tools and resources). Maybe i do just need to let go and let him take care of things for a minute so I can figure out myself. I didn't think it would be this hard because I so badly just want to be happy and have peace within myself to handle what life gives me with grace. But, it's hard. Wow. I'm trying to have patience and take one day at a time. I want to tell myself come on and get it together! You know you want it, just do it! Just do it! I'm actually looking forward to what the future will bring. I can't wait to get a sponsor to guide me through the steps. I dug up some stuff About myself I kind of forgot about. I still don't know why I am the way I am but I hope to soon dig deep to the roots to release why it is and deal with it.

Ann

It's good to have a heart to heart and get things out, it's good to try to see things from the other person's point of view, even when we don't always agree. That you are both in a recovery program is also healthy and brings hope for better days ahead, and I hope you get every single one.

That said, his clean time is still brief, less than 60? 90? days, I believe, yes?

It may be a little premature to "turn things over to him", especially financially. As much as you want to trust him and as much as he feels confident in his recovery, it's just too soon to throw caution to the wind and risk the financial security of you and your children.

I don't mean to sound like the Grinch that bursts your bubble, I really am rooting for both of you. But this early in recovery it's a good thing to continue to protect yourself and your ability to pay your bills and put food on your table.

Prayers out for both of you, may this new beginning be everything you hope it to be.

Hugs

JOIE12

Ann's words say everything that I planned to. It's difficult to hope sometimes while inside worried about relapse and money not being there for the bills, food, home, car .... Keep working your program and take care of yourself. Hugs to you, Joie

AnvilheadII

so how did day one of the CASH job go?

ladyscribbler

Wow, this brings back memories. I had so many "great talks" with my ex. He really seemed to understand what I was saying, to really get it. I'd be so thrilled afterward, thinking THIS time was really it. He was really going to make the changes he needed to make so that WE could be happy.
That kind of thinking was my disease. Hanging everything on the hope that maybe, this time would be the time that paid me back for everything I put into helping him, fixing things for him, making the relationship work while he drank with impunity.
My life didn't start improving until I quit hanging all my hopes on his actions. Someone in the F&F of Alcoholics said something really profound the other day. Her husband faked years of sobriety- chairing AA meetings and secretly drinking all the while. Of course nothing really got better for them. She had put all of her hopes into "him doing the work so that both of them could get better."
The best thing to do might be to stand back, way, way back and watch his actions. Tune out the wonderful, hopeful words and watch what he actually does with this chance you're giving him. And I have to reiterate the wise suggestions from others that you not hand him the reins to your family's financial well-being just yet.

Iwishonstars777

Thank you all for your input. His job went well. It is a demolition job so he came home tired but still helped with the girls. (Wow!) He is working today too and I have told him of plans for this next week. I have thought about it and yes, it is too early to trust his financial part. He will be handing me the money when he gets home. I have set aside in my mind the "allowance" for lunch. He usually is very good about giving me the money. In the past, he would hand over any money or paychecks and wed cash the check together and it would go straight to me. He says his goal right now is to give our girls a Christmas. He has quite a few gifts in mind that require the money for. I'm thinking let's do cheap but I'm happy he is actually thinking about gifts for the girls and not being "cheap" like he has been in the past.

Ladyscribbler, I appreciate what you said. It gives me.yhat good feeling when we do have those talks but I know I need to set my feelings aside and like you said, pay attention to the actions. Thank you for reminding me that a good talk is just a good talk, but without the actions, that's all it is. I am cautious, and he is understanding that I have to be. As much ad nobody would want to be doubted I think he may be getting it as to why I still have to be cautious.

AnvilheadII

IWOS, you could consider having him pack a lunch? that really does save a ton of $$ and you are assured he DOES have something to eat each day. I've been packing hank's lunch for what seems like a hundred years now....it's not that he is incapable of making a sandwich (don't do for them what they CAN do themselves) he just won't do it and then is left to fend for himself and whatever food resource is close to the job site.

just a thought.

make sure you compromise on the gifts for the girls.....this isn't the time to buy each of them an iPad AND and Xbox!!! since he's only been working two days, conservative spending is best.