rmargraf

Hello all,

I've finally reached my limit and am seeking assistance and support as to what I can do if anything for my fiances drinking. To give you some background:
We have been together for about 2 and a half years. When we first got together he wasn't much of a drinking. He would have a cocktail or two a couple times a week and that was it. But I realized after awhile that it increased to about half a bottle of vodka a night. I had brought it up to him but then he would lash out at me and say there wasn't a problem. One night he could tell how upset I was with it and he dumped out all of the bottles in the house, promising that things would change. They didn't.
Eventually he switched from vodka to beer. I noticed that he was drinking an absurd number of beers a night. I used to pull all of the bottle caps from the garbage so I could figure out how much he was drinking in a night. He started to get rid of the bottles by morning because my son would see them and say something. The drinking as caused problems between us because I know there is a problem and I won't have my son around that type of atmosphere. I don't want him to grow up and think that it's ok to drink every night, especially that much.
Now he switched to cans of beer. He averages about a 12 pack a night, every night! This has been going on for months. I think I have only gotten about two weeks of non-drinking from him this entire past year. He is drinking by the time that I get home from work and stays up until about 1 or 2 in the morning drinking. Lately, when he's finished off his case of beer he will try to find whatever else is in the fridge to drink (wine coolers).
I've talked to him numerous times about his drinking and how it affects me. He has promised to change it. He says that it helps with stress and that it is the only thing to do so. I've asked him to seek counseling or meetings and he refuses.

I'm at a breaking point and am unsure as to what to do now. His family is oblivious to the problems. I love him, but I refuse to let my son grow up around that. I watched my Grandfather drink himself to death I don't want to see him do the same.

It's to the point that I don't want to plan our wedding because why plan for a future with him, when his drinking is preventing any type of future we could have together. I cry myself to sleep every night because I don't know what else I can do to help him.

happybeingme

Hi welcome to the forum. I am glad you found us. Unfortunately what you are experiencing is common with alcoholics. There is also nothing you can do to change it. Life is stressful but drinking is not the only solution. That is baloney. He could go into therapy for the stress. Take yoga or meditation classes. Take up running or dozens of other things. He drinks because he is addicted to alcohol.

You have told him how you feel. He hasn't changed. Are you willing to accept that? Promises of change, controlling the drinking, etc are only words. Actions are all that matters. Alcoholism is progressive. He will in time get worse. The only cure is total and permanent abstinence. If you don't want your son to be a witness then the best thing you can do is separate your living arrangements.

FeelingGreat

Hi Marg, welcome to the forum. Your fiancee is well into alcoholism, the denial, the failed attempts to give up, inability to stop, growing tolerance. If he could give up on his own he would have, but his refusal to seek help gives you an idea of his mind-set.
You're right to be very concerned, especially about your boy being influenced by your fiancee's drinking because they soak up everything their parents or step parents do when they are young.
I agree that marrying him would be reckless now, and even living with him in this state is becoming a big problem for you.

Hawkeye13

If he doesn't seek treatment, it just gets worse.
My own drinking escalated over time gradually but steadily.
Eventually it got really bad.

It is very unhealthy for your child to be exposed to this, which you have acknowledged.
I grew up in an alcoholic home also, and it does damage that is hard to undo
as an adult.

Please do what is best for you and your son, hard as it may be.
Your fiance is an adult, and right now he's choosing to drink and stay in denial.

LexieCat

Yeah, wish we could be more hopeful about your future with him, but as of now it's not looking promising. This could go on for years or decades--it often does. I certainly wouldn't even CONSIDER planning a wedding until he is SOLIDLY sober (no slips, not oopses) for at least a year.

You don't have to decide anything this minute, so I suggest you stick around and keep reading on these boards (especially the stickies up top) and find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself. None of this will help you get him sober (because there is very little you can do until he's decided he's ready to quit), but it will help you clear your head so you can make good decisions for your own future.

rmargraf

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate every single one of them.

AnvilheadII

it's impossible to help someone who refuses help. here's the tricky part.....they have the RIGHT to refuse any and all help. if your "fiance" wants to drink himself into a stupor every night, he can certainly do so....BUT you have the equal right to have an alcohol free home for yourself and your son.

your fiance is out there flailing in the ocean, but every time you throw him a life preserver, he swats it aside. its best to save at least ONE of those life preservers.....FOR YOU. HE may not want help, but YOU can certainly get help for yourself!

atalose

I think if you researched alcoholism and continue to read posts here you will educate yourself on what lies ahead for you and your son should you chose to stay in this relationship or proceed into marriage.

Al-anon is always suggested to those dealing with a loved one’s alcoholism and can be a great help for you and how you can best handle another person’s drinking issues. But al-anon does not help you help the drinker to stop drinking – no one can do that except the drinker themselves. There are no tricks or manipulations to learn in al-anon on how to get anyone to stop drinking. Al-anon helps the loved ones accept and cope with alcoholism.

If you were my sister or best friend I would tell you this………..please don’t marry this man because the life you will have with him and his alcoholism doesn’t end happily ever after. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and where one might be functional today tomorrow is always uncertain. The disease of alcoholism is like no other disease, it’s a disease of though and it is life- long. Alcoholism simply cannot just be to abstain from drinking because the “thoughts” of the disease remain. Those thoughts need to be replaced with education on better coping skills and healthier ways to deal with life. Then those new learned skills need to be put into use and continued each minutes of everyday for the rest of their lives, and most people simple don’t/won’t do that for themselves. Are you willing to bet your and your son’s life and mental health on someone who’s already making promises he’s not keeping? You have already shared our feelings/thoughts and real concerns with him and nothing has changed!! What are your expectations going forward based on what’s already transpired? How do you honestly feel about marrying an “alcoholic”?

NYCDoglvr

Nothing. It is the hard, painful lesson we learn when hanging in there with an active alcoholic. But you're not completely powerless, you can save your sanity and your own life. Alanon made the huge difference in my struggle and offered enormous support of other people who had been in my shoes. A big hug.