cassandra

I know and have known for a long time that I am an alcoholic. It's funny, because I've never been in denial of it. I've had chronic and major depression for most of my life, and the one thing my shrinks have always noticed is that I am always well aware of my problems...it's the solving them part that is hard for me.

I know I have a serious problem with drinking. I also know that I am unable, maybe unwilling to quit. I don't know which. All my closest friends drink "too much," though I don't know if they are merely heavy drinkers or alcoholics themselves. I'm just desperately afraid of quitting. It would feel like being completely alone.

I'm scared all the time. I really don't know how to help this. I've been to AA before very briefly years ago. When I quit going my family and friends seemed relieved. They shrugged it off as me being overly dramatic or realizing I didn't have a problem after all. I think my family can't deal with the reality of my problem. I think they tell themselves that since I am pretty, smart and successful...because I have a master's degree and friends and I'm not a "mean drunk" or someone who loses jobs or relationships because of drinking...that I am "not like that."

I feel like I get more and more out of control. I used to be a funny drunk. Now I'm more confrontational. I have less control over my behavior. I embarrass myself constantly.

Tonight I drank a bottle and a half of wine by myself. I know it's only wine, but I can't seem to stop. I'm probably going to drink more when I'm done typing this.

I feel like a hypocrite and an ******* to even come here and basically say I'm not able to get help. I have no business even being here since I know I'm not going to quit, but I don't know what to do. I'm sorry.

jpc2505

You have every right to do this. Actually, the last few months I did coke I always ended up on these boards. I would feel guilty, like I was trespassing, but I'd read the storied for hours. Finally I decided if it worked for everyone else I'd give it a shot. And you're right about some things, I'm a bartender and literally every one I know does drugs. I have had to distance myself from a lot of people, have been laughed at for doing this, and may even have to take a much lower paying job just to make it work. Hell, it's even taking a serious toll on my 3 year relationship. But you know, I can always make new freinds. I can find a new job. I can manage on less money. And in the end, I can quit being ashamed of myself. For me, it's worth the trade. I wish you the best, and if you decide you'd like to quit again I hope to hear from you.

best

Welcome to SR

My first thought would be family and friends are the ones who may be in denial. You don't have a problem so they don't have a problem. By admitting you are an alcoholic they would need look at themselves and wonder about them.

As far as thinking you are a hypocrite...Well by the meaning of the word you could say that BUT I wouldn't.

I would say you are a person looking for answers and we both know the answers all ready...
When you are ready to stop...When you want to stop...
That is when you will stop.
Not drinking the first sip is how. Saying no one day at a time.
But you may already know this. You said you have been to AA before.
Know that when you are ready AA is still there and I am sure this site with all the wonderful support we can get here will be around for a bit longer as well.

boop64132

DITTO!

splendra

cassandra-

I don't have anything to add right now but, I do agree with everyone else that has posted. AA is ready for you whenever you get ready for them!! Keep posting here we all are on your side. Oh yea you don't sound like a hippocrit to me you sound like someone who is ready to change!!

livlaphluv

Hi Cassandra,

You found this site for a reason. We all understnad, that's the beauty of this place. My constant thought process is, why is this so hard? Why do I obsess with taking or not taking a drink? What is wrong with me? But then I come here and realize I'm not alone and it makes all the difference in the world!!! You'll know when your ready to make a change in your life and when your ready you'll find strength and support here. Good luck!

3legacy

Cassandra :rose :
I felt that way myself, but my feelings of fear, loneliness, etc.. were not necessarily based in fact or truth. Feelings themselves were a fact but rooted in threads of my many fears. I "feel" so much more alive, less lonely & fearful than I ever have in my life now that I am sober. Doesn't mean there are not times these feelings still creep in though. I still have wants for greater intimacy, healthier friendships, and so on & on .....

Quite often now, I can be alone in complete peace. In the past I felt alone in a crowded business meeting, bar-room, baseball game, and even in bed sleeping with a wonderful woman who loved me dearly. At times back then, my being with lots of people was even worse than being in the woods alone without any other human being around. I was really Spiritual(or so I thought) when all I had were deer, elk, eagles, bears and the like around me.

It took what it took for me to eventually find surrender to my personal drinking dilemma. Then too, it took much stenous effort to approach the solution(which I've found in AA). Over time, with much help from other AA members, I've come to see, feel, and experience the difference between isolation & solitude. Fear of looking at some realities about myself kept me from making the approach and balking even in Step work for quite some time.

Today in my times of solitude I never really feel alone as I have found the solution, and have a conscious contact with my Higher Power(God). People are a great joy to be around(most of the time) and I've found lots of wonderful people who were/are also just as scared as me at the tables and campfires in Alcoholics Anonymous. I even have many friends outside of A.A. today.

Please reach out when you feel your dis-"ease" in continuing to drink -- is bad enough to risk "feeling" uncomfortable and fearful in approaching sobriety and others just like US.

(((((((Cassandra))))))))
Kiss Heart of Spirit In Love & Service,
Three Legs
:tri

lonlion

Hey Cassandra, please don't beat yourself up. You have every right to be here. I talked about quitting, and started to see I had a problem an entire year before treatment, and used the whole night before going in, which is a common story. I started going to meetings stoned the month before treatment. I felt like a total hypocrite, and was sure they all knew I was stoned. But they were so loving and supportive it gave me the encouragement to go back and back and back again.

Difinition of courage is moving forward even with the fear.
Keep coming back, even if you are drinking while on the computer

Chy

When your ready to quit, you'll find the courage, we understand, been there too!

Tom M

Hi Cassandra,
Don't be so hard on yourself. You reminded me of something, the reason it probably took me so long to accept the program of AA.
On the surface I always looked like a person that didn't have any kind of problems.
It was up to me to decide though and it took years before I finally realized enough was enough. It is very hard to accept you have a problem if no one else thinks you have one.
For years I was out there drinking with the 12 steps of AA in my head and I found that I always wanted to quit, but, I just didn't know how to ask for the help I needed. I waited until I was completely broke without a job before I started the process again. I had to hit bottom before I could take a try at getting my life in order.
I believe you took an important step in the right direction just by posting here.
There is plenty of suppory out there for you and the people of AA are going to be more understanding of your situation.
Give yourself a chance, you owe it yourself!

delaney26

hey cassandra, i live in LA too. and boy we like to party it up here. i could relate to your post. this is my first post on this board but i was here once before..probably on another sunday after a weekend of hard drinking. i am certainly the person people think "have it all" - i'm nice, attractive, a college graduate with a wonderful family who (used to be) financially stable.

everyone i know drinks. and my friends and i even jokingly admit we're all a bunch of alcoholics. but this year it's really taking a toll. this year i've been more unhappy than i ever imagined i could be, depressed, in failing and unhealthy relationships, bad finances, associating with "friends" who like to party, and the list goes on. i know almost all of this is because i cannot control my drinking. i am aware of all of my problems too but have no idea where to go or how to solve them. i've never sought professional help for anything in my life. i feel very lost.

it's like, if i stopped drinking i'd have to stop hanging out with all of my friends, i couldn't drink at work functions, i couldn't have a glass of wine for the holidays.. and it just doesn't seem realistic. i guess i don't even want to stop.

but as i sit here today, a day-long hangover, one of so many, i feel so incredibly depressed and alone i wonder if it could possibly get any worse. is drinking worth this? to me appaently it is.

my drinking too is getting more out of control. i always black out, i got into a car accident that i didn't even remember. i swear to god. thankfully, luckily it wasn't my fault -- i was rear ended. but i could have been in jail or killed myself or someone else. yet i keep doing it. last night i drove drunk 45 minutes home and i was all over the road. The regrets, embarrassment, are so horrible that i basically hate myself.

the thing is too, people in recovery seem so...not the person i want to be. i don't want to be somebody who admits to alcoholism. it seems like something that isn't even real to make that a part of my "perfect" little life. i don't know if that makes sense.. anyway.. I guess that's all, I wanted to say I understand what you're saying.

Sandy Marie

Hi Cassandra,
A lot of successful members have already given you excellent advice. I've only been here a short while, and I relapsed lots too. It's hard to imagine that taking it one day at a time really works...but it does. Maybe, when you finish reading this, you can try it just for tomorrow. Just try to quit drinking for one day. Just one day, Cassandra.
Please come back and say you'll try. We're here to support you. You're not alone.
Sandy

Rowan

Hi Cassandra
How are you doing today? I'm Rowan, alcoholic, and I'm glad you're here. I could identify so strongly with much of your post. I, too, have suffered from major and chronic depression for most of my life. It wasn't until I gave sobriety a real chance that I realized I didn't have to live in such a dark place. On the surface, too, a lot of friends and family denied I could have a problem. Employed, educated, independant, I seemed to have it all. But I was dying inside, and alcohol wasn't working for me anymore. As you know, alcohol is a depressant, and while it might make you feel better short term, in the long run it's not going to help your depression at all.
I echo what other members have said; when you're ready you'll take the steps that you need to in order to achieve and maintain sobriety. Don't leave before the miracle happens, Cassandra. You deserve the happiness that sobriety can offer.
God Bless and PLEASE Keep coming back
Love Rowan