I did it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 19
I did it.
Following up on the "Help - losing her and self esteem is flip flopping" thread, she and I were scheduled to do a co-therapy session with my therapist tonight.
She wanted to seek closure by getting me to admit my role in all the hurt and our on/off history, and admit there was much more going on than just alcohol.
I just emailed her telling her the session is cancelled (it isn't - I'm going to use it for my own healing instead of trying to debate her). I asked her not to respond to my email. I acknowledged that we've each settled into our mutual positions, and I respect that. I then attached the final message I have for her, which I originally planned to read out loud in the therapy session.
That message puts the focus squarely back on alcohol. I explained I'm not going to offer her the closure she wants because I don't agree with it. I asserted that we had standard couple problems, as all couples do, but it was singularly alcohol, and the refusal to seriously address it, that brought down the relationship. I acknowledged she is not at fault for being an alcoholic, but neither am I nor have I ever been the cause of her problems. I finally wished her happiness and asked her to seek the hard path going forward, not the easy path, because she is worth it.
This is a huge step forward for me. I'm no longer negotiating for the relationship and I'm no longer begging for her attention. I love her, but I'm gently pushing her away now. Today is the first day I've made that clear.
Thank you, all.
She wanted to seek closure by getting me to admit my role in all the hurt and our on/off history, and admit there was much more going on than just alcohol.
I just emailed her telling her the session is cancelled (it isn't - I'm going to use it for my own healing instead of trying to debate her). I asked her not to respond to my email. I acknowledged that we've each settled into our mutual positions, and I respect that. I then attached the final message I have for her, which I originally planned to read out loud in the therapy session.
That message puts the focus squarely back on alcohol. I explained I'm not going to offer her the closure she wants because I don't agree with it. I asserted that we had standard couple problems, as all couples do, but it was singularly alcohol, and the refusal to seriously address it, that brought down the relationship. I acknowledged she is not at fault for being an alcoholic, but neither am I nor have I ever been the cause of her problems. I finally wished her happiness and asked her to seek the hard path going forward, not the easy path, because she is worth it.
This is a huge step forward for me. I'm no longer negotiating for the relationship and I'm no longer begging for her attention. I love her, but I'm gently pushing her away now. Today is the first day I've made that clear.
Thank you, all.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Really well done, SO.
She will most likely continue to try to lay blame and guilt on you. I would suggest blocking her calls, texts, emails, facebook, wherever she can contact you if you think it will be difficult to stand your ground.
I had to finally get the police involved in my last breakup because he would call 30 times a day after I had broken up with him. This was before it was possible to block people.
She will most likely continue to try to lay blame and guilt on you. I would suggest blocking her calls, texts, emails, facebook, wherever she can contact you if you think it will be difficult to stand your ground.
I had to finally get the police involved in my last breakup because he would call 30 times a day after I had broken up with him. This was before it was possible to block people.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
