Happyoneday

This is my first post!! Me and my ABF split up about 3 weeks ago and I have decided that tomorrow is the day that me and my daughter move back to my mums while we wait for the house to sell. All currently still living under the same roof. It has been the most difficult decision and heartbreaking but I just can't cope anymore. He has always liked a drink but the past 12 months have just got worse and worse. Vodka is his chosen poison.

Well today I told him after a bad weekend of him being drunk sat night and sun that I will be moving out tomorrow I have everything in my car ready to go in the morning. I asked him to be sober tonight for his last evening with his daughter and he came home from work so drunk he could barely walk or talk I was so disappointed. Why do I feel like the guilty one like its my fault that he had a drink because of my decision to move out! I know I have to carry on being strong but this is so tough. I know that it's best for me and my little girl but I can't help feeling like I am abandoning him but I have given him so many chances. Just needed to vent.

SparkleKitty

I often feel "guilty" when what I actually am is "powerless."

This is an extremely unfortunate situation. Your boyfriend is an alcoholic, and at this moment he is deep in the throes of addiction. He does not seem ready to admit that this is problem and seek help and there is not one thing you can do or say to change that. It is imperative that you take care of yourself and, especially, your daughter. Growing up with active addiction in the house is horrific for children.

By taking action to take care of yourself and allowing your boyfriend the dignity of dealing with the consequences of his choices, you are modeling the kind of strong behavior that your daughter needs to see in order to make good choices for herself one day.

Big hugs to you, I know how hard this is. But you are doing the right thing and are not responsible for what happens to him.

Happyoneday

Thank you I keep telling myself he is a grown man and is not my responsibility.

I know that I have to do this to protect my daughter and myself. He isn't violent but just seeing him in the states that he gets into is not good for either of us. I hope she looks back and sees that I did this for me and her and that we are better for doing so.

Me and my boyfriend had been together 11 years so it is really tough as any break up is. It just breaks my heart that it had to end this way.

dandylion

Happyoneday.....you never need t feel guilty about protecting your child.

You just have to do what you have to do. thank god that you are wise enough to get away from it now!!!!!!!!!!

Once you move to your mother's house...then you can begin to work on yourself......so that this pattern never happens in your life (and daughter's) life, again.....

dandylion

SparkleKitty

There was no violence in my home either. Lots of anger, but not violence. I didn't even know my mother drank until I was 19 and away at college.

What hurt me was the environment of addiction and co-dependence. The entire world revolved around my mother's moods. Everyone in the house was expected to set their own wants and needs aside in order to make sure Mom didn't get mad. Children don't understand the nuances of that kind of behavior. It teaches them that they are responsible for how other people feel, and that if they do or say the wrong thing, they might not be taken care of. Worse, that if they do or say the right thing, that will earn them love and attention. It teaches them to chase some magical behavior or word that will make everyone else happy.

Those were the behaviors I learned, and I took them into my adult relationships, too. I never learned to care for myself, respect myself, or love myself. If I wasn't in a relationship where I could manage someone else's moods, it was like I didn't exist. It took a lot of therapy and a lot of time on my own to unlearn those things.

You've made a good choice, but I know it's not an easy one.

pndm07

I think a lot of us feel guilty, even though they are the ones in the wrong. The alcoholics really know how to manipulate and make it seem like the entire world is against them and put on the whole "woe is me" act. I know the feeling. Sounds like you have gone above and beyond being kind to him and giving him chances. And I totally echo what everyone else says, you really don't want your child around any of that. You're doing the best thing for her by moving out. I know it's hard - I've been there done that. Stay strong and know you are doing what's right for you and her.

AnvilheadII

i think we get so used to living in THEIR heads, feeling what we think THEY are feeling, that we lose the ability to discern WHAT we feel. your "guilty" feelings for what you think you are doing TO him, could really be sad feelings for self living thru this drama. sad that on the LAST night his CHILD would be HOME, he chose to get stumbling, slurring drunk instead. sad that you've devoted all this time and this is ALL he has to offer....to you and to your daughter.

fluffyflea

Maybe you would find it helpful to read up on Emotional Blackmail.

LexieCat

Remember, as of this past weekend you weren't leaving him, but he got drunk ANYWAY, didn't he? So I wouldn't attribute his behavior tonight to the fact that you've decided to leave.

Alcoholics drink. When they drink, they get drunk. No reason necessary.

Happyoneday

Thanks everyone.

Well I have moved I now no longer live at home. It's tough but I know it's the right thing for all of us. He was so apologetic once again when he was sober and said he didn't want to lose us but I have heard it all so many times before. I realise this is never going to change until he wants to.
He says he wants to stop but just doesn't seem to have the will power.