New, need help immediately
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Hartford CT
Posts: 2
New, need help immediately
I'm new! I've lived with my A partner for a year. When I first met him he was sweet, attentive and in love with me. When he is good, he is very loving and genuine.
He has a 15 year old daughter. She has been neglected by years of his drinking. She is angry. I've tried to give her structure, consistency. She hates what I've done. He doesn't want to hear about her.
When he drinks, he is happy and easy to get along with although I hate it. When he is sober, he gets into anger moods where he simmers for days, won't talk to me. Its awful.
He's been angry at me for 5 days because I "got in his face" about leaving his daughter alone too long. He says I am a bitch and has told me all the things that are wrong with me. He says he thinks he might leave me. "I'm just about done with you". I am a wreck. I am not perfect. Am I a bitch? Am I that horrible that even an alcholic can't stand me?
I am most afraid that he will take his daughter and leave.
What is this rage about? Is this part of alcholism? I've been to an Al-anon meeting every day this week. I am really hurting. HELP!
He has a 15 year old daughter. She has been neglected by years of his drinking. She is angry. I've tried to give her structure, consistency. She hates what I've done. He doesn't want to hear about her.
When he drinks, he is happy and easy to get along with although I hate it. When he is sober, he gets into anger moods where he simmers for days, won't talk to me. Its awful.
He's been angry at me for 5 days because I "got in his face" about leaving his daughter alone too long. He says I am a bitch and has told me all the things that are wrong with me. He says he thinks he might leave me. "I'm just about done with you". I am a wreck. I am not perfect. Am I a bitch? Am I that horrible that even an alcholic can't stand me?
I am most afraid that he will take his daughter and leave.
What is this rage about? Is this part of alcholism? I've been to an Al-anon meeting every day this week. I am really hurting. HELP!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Yellerdog
His rage that is directed at you is really the rage that he cannot bear to direct at himself, and until he is willing and ready to take positive actions towards recovery, it's not likely this will change anytime soon. It is abuse and something that you don't have to tolerate but may be stuck with until you can change your position in all of this.
So you will have some choices to make, about what you are willing to accept in your life and what you are not. The choice to stay or go is entirely yours, and we cannot help you make it, but going to meetings as you are doing and working your own program will help you regain your balance, let go of your fears, and give you the ability to make decisions with clarity and confidence.
We don't have to be the victim in any of this. They don't "make" us the victim, we do when we tolerate bad behaviour and join them in their drama. We can remove ourselves from the "victim" mode and become survivors and gain strength and courage to stand up for ourselves without fear.
Please stick around, take a read of the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum, and just know that we are here and we care.
Hugs
Ann
His rage that is directed at you is really the rage that he cannot bear to direct at himself, and until he is willing and ready to take positive actions towards recovery, it's not likely this will change anytime soon. It is abuse and something that you don't have to tolerate but may be stuck with until you can change your position in all of this.
So you will have some choices to make, about what you are willing to accept in your life and what you are not. The choice to stay or go is entirely yours, and we cannot help you make it, but going to meetings as you are doing and working your own program will help you regain your balance, let go of your fears, and give you the ability to make decisions with clarity and confidence.
We don't have to be the victim in any of this. They don't "make" us the victim, we do when we tolerate bad behaviour and join them in their drama. We can remove ourselves from the "victim" mode and become survivors and gain strength and courage to stand up for ourselves without fear.
Please stick around, take a read of the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum, and just know that we are here and we care.
Hugs
Ann
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Yeller and welcome,
His rage stems from his own guilt at neglecting his daughter. It's not your fault and you aren't a bitch. You're just being a responsible, caring adult/parent. Instead of focusing on his own issues and problems, he's trying to point out all the things that are "wrong" with you to keep the heat off of him. And as long as he continues to drink, he won't be able to deal with any of his problems in a rational way. I'm married to an addict and his 16 year-old daughter lives with us, so I know exactly what you're going through. These days I sometimes wish he would just leave, but I don't want his daughter to have to go through that. She's been through enough already with both of her parents.
I'm sorry you're hurting but please try not to take his words to heart. I'm glad you found us and I hope you keep coming back.
Hugs,
JG
His rage stems from his own guilt at neglecting his daughter. It's not your fault and you aren't a bitch. You're just being a responsible, caring adult/parent. Instead of focusing on his own issues and problems, he's trying to point out all the things that are "wrong" with you to keep the heat off of him. And as long as he continues to drink, he won't be able to deal with any of his problems in a rational way. I'm married to an addict and his 16 year-old daughter lives with us, so I know exactly what you're going through. These days I sometimes wish he would just leave, but I don't want his daughter to have to go through that. She's been through enough already with both of her parents.
I'm sorry you're hurting but please try not to take his words to heart. I'm glad you found us and I hope you keep coming back.
Hugs,
JG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Hartford CT
Posts: 2
Thank you for telling me not to take his words to heart. This is so hard to do.
Its very hard to hear hateful words come from the one person to whom I've give my love. Are these words that he is merely spewing or does he really believe them?
It seems to me that people who live together have good times and bad. Sometimes, I bitch more than I like. Isn't that just life? Is that a good reason to dump me?
He has gone fishing for 2 days. So I'm in limbo, not knowing if he will move out or not. I can't control whether he leaves me for good but I'd rather be the one to kick him out!
I know I will leave him at some point since its unlikely that he will get sober. Its a very small town and he has lived here all his life. I'll have to leave town if we don't make it. I'm not in a position financially to lose his contribution. I have no family but I am close to his siblings and mother. They like me but can't do much for me. I am very alone today.
Its very hard to hear hateful words come from the one person to whom I've give my love. Are these words that he is merely spewing or does he really believe them?
It seems to me that people who live together have good times and bad. Sometimes, I bitch more than I like. Isn't that just life? Is that a good reason to dump me?
He has gone fishing for 2 days. So I'm in limbo, not knowing if he will move out or not. I can't control whether he leaves me for good but I'd rather be the one to kick him out!
I know I will leave him at some point since its unlikely that he will get sober. Its a very small town and he has lived here all his life. I'll have to leave town if we don't make it. I'm not in a position financially to lose his contribution. I have no family but I am close to his siblings and mother. They like me but can't do much for me. I am very alone today.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
yeller - you are not alone if you are sharing on this board! we all are here to support each other. keep focusing on you. many will respond to you and give you good info and insight. hang in there and keep going to your meetings!
hugs - cwohio
hugs - cwohio
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Yeller -
A special "thought of the day" for you -
************************************
Defining good in my life is up to me.
We've heard, "Life is as good as we make it," but this sounds far too simplistic. We look at friends, family, and co-workers and often see much unhappiness. If it's up to us to make life good, why do so few take advantage of the opportunity?
It's not that we don't want happiness. All of us do. But many of us mistakenly think happiness comes from outside ourselves. For example, when other people shower us with love, we're happy. When the boss compliments our work, we're happy. On the other hand, relying on our inner wisdom to tell us we're worthy and believing we are worthy are untapped skills for most of us. Fortunately, we are in the right place to acquire these skills.
Twelve Step programs will teach us, if we are ready to take responsibility for our own happiness. Our program friends are learning how to rely on their inner wisdom and their God, and we are learning from their example.
It,s really only a simple change in perspective. It,s looking within, not without, for knowledge of our worth. There's no mystery to it. We can do it just as they are doing it.
I will monitor how I evaluate my experiences today. Living peacefully and happily is up to me.
A special "thought of the day" for you -
************************************
Defining good in my life is up to me.
We've heard, "Life is as good as we make it," but this sounds far too simplistic. We look at friends, family, and co-workers and often see much unhappiness. If it's up to us to make life good, why do so few take advantage of the opportunity?
It's not that we don't want happiness. All of us do. But many of us mistakenly think happiness comes from outside ourselves. For example, when other people shower us with love, we're happy. When the boss compliments our work, we're happy. On the other hand, relying on our inner wisdom to tell us we're worthy and believing we are worthy are untapped skills for most of us. Fortunately, we are in the right place to acquire these skills.
Twelve Step programs will teach us, if we are ready to take responsibility for our own happiness. Our program friends are learning how to rely on their inner wisdom and their God, and we are learning from their example.
It,s really only a simple change in perspective. It,s looking within, not without, for knowledge of our worth. There's no mystery to it. We can do it just as they are doing it.
I will monitor how I evaluate my experiences today. Living peacefully and happily is up to me.
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