SpringsEternal

Hello all. It's been a couple of years since I last posted, though I've never really been gone. My AH came out of a treatment facility in the winter months of 2013 (and that wasn't his first attempt at recovery btw). Anyway it has been a rugged journey since then. Chronologically, I can't even seem to remember how everything has evolved through the years- even predating his treatment in 2013. Suffice it to say, a detox here a detox there and a couple of stays at different recovery facilities intermingled with a brief stint in a psych ward for assessment. (Depression was the final analysis there.)
Anyway.... this brings us to today. He by no means is in the state he was when he went into the addiction treatment 2 years ago, but I fear the inevitable downward spiral that tends to be the norm. Last year at around this time there was even some infidelity on his part that seemed to go in conjunction with him starting to do some drinking again. As if we weren't struggling enough with things already!! I essentially forgave that transgression, which unfortunately totally eclipsed the fact that he had been drinking again. He very nearly left me, but came back begging forgiveness. After much thought, I allowed his return and said he must NEVER communicate with/be in the same place as the other woman ever again (which I believe he has fallen through with) and the drinking must stop or that would be it.......yeah right........that brings us to today. I kinda surprised him a couple of weeks ago while he was out with friends and he was forced to admit he had been drinking...kinda caught him red handed I guess. (up until that point I knew it had been happening but he had never acknowledged/admitted it.) At that point he said something like, "of course I had to hide it because you said you would leave...." .....All that I can think of after that is clearly it was a risk he was willing to take......And then last night he came home with clear signs that he had been drinking. I cannot look at him with love and any kind of feelings a wife should have for her husband....I'm disgusted...disappointed....and just f*****g tired of this whole gdm thing.....can he continue with relative moderation? Or am I just going to continue the rest of my life with resentment and worry that soon he will be taking that familiar trip back to detox.....Holy F***....I wanna live my life... be happy....do the fun things that other people do without this black cloud hanging over my head........

AnvilheadII

After much thought, I allowed his return and said he must NEVER communicate with/be in the same place as the other woman ever again (which I believe he has fallen through with) and the drinking must stop or that would be it.

the drinking HAS NOT STOPPED. according to your ultimatum above, that is IT. not sure what else there is to wrestle with here. you are beyond frustrated, you've been lied to, cheated on, he's sneaking around behind your back, your life is in constant turmoil and upheaval...

you want happy? then hitch up them big girl panties and GET the UNhappy out of your life and get you some happy!!!!

SparkleKitty

I don't blame you, but it may be that you cannot accomplish this while you still have this person in your life. Can you accept that?

dandylion

SpringsEternal,,,,,,,have you ever read "CO-dependent No More"? It is practically a classic, here, in these parts. I suggest you give it a try, if you haven't.
I imagine that it will resonate with you , quite a bit!
Have y ou ever been exposed to alanon.....or considered going?

dandylion

SpringsEternal

Anvil....you are so right....why can't I find those big girl panties?! Three kids and 25 years make it a complicated manoeuver, and I'm weak and worn out! And I'm sure to him I must appear to be someone whom he can do almost anything to, and she will stick around...gawd...how can he even have any respect for such a pushover? I guess it's official...I fail miserably at 'boundaries'.
Dandy...I have a copy of that book I read some time ago, I think it's definitely time to revisit it. And despite intentions over time, I've never managed to make an alanon meeting, I should get serious about that I suppose.
And the thing of it is...I think he's just plugging along thinking everything is great while I sit here in my quiet torment. I guess I've made it quite easy for him to keep on keepin' on...feels like he always gets everything just as he likes it....and I know I'm whining now...but as I've come to know it...here is the place to say the the things you can't seem to say anywhere else....Thanks to you all for your responses. :-)

AnvilheadII

nah hon, you didn't FAIL at anything....this is ALL a learning process. my first attempt at boundary setting was did exactly get me an passing grade! knowing what we want and getting there is like any other long distance trip, it takes planning and preparation.

NYCDoglvr

It's the problem of giving ultimatums and then not carrying them out. The ball is in your court now in terms of whether you stay (essentially saying his drinking is ok) or make real plans to have the life you want. Good luck!