Would you ever...(question for spouses/partners)
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Would you ever...(question for spouses/partners)
This may be a controversial question to ask. If I don't phrase it properly, let me use full disclosure in saying that I do not mean to offend anyone...
This is for the spouses/exes of current and/or recovering addicts:
Would you ever consider dating someone in RECOVERY given your history with your ex/partner now?
This is for the spouses/exes of current and/or recovering addicts:
Would you ever consider dating someone in RECOVERY given your history with your ex/partner now?
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
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Not for all the money in the world.
It is way too slippery a slope and I am way too jaded when it comes to addiction.
Been there done that. Once was more then enough for me .
In other words..... F*** No (that is my opinion of course)
It is way too slippery a slope and I am way too jaded when it comes to addiction.
Been there done that. Once was more then enough for me .
In other words..... F*** No (that is my opinion of course)
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Igloo-land
Posts: 7
As someone who is in recovery, it would be, I think, terribly hypocritical to say that I wouldn't. HOWEVER, I wouldn't specifically seek somebody out from the rooms and I would definitely try to avoid it. It can become a huge, uncomfortable mess when people break-up, even if it's not relapse related.
Addicts are people, too and some of us do recover. At least from the substance part of it.
And I think perhaps this is why I continue to hold out for my ABF…my belief is that if I can do it anybody can.
Addicts are people, too and some of us do recover. At least from the substance part of it.
And I think perhaps this is why I continue to hold out for my ABF…my belief is that if I can do it anybody can.
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Originally Posted by hopepraylove 
This may be a controversial question to ask. If I don't phrase it properly, let me use full disclosure in saying that I do not mean to offend anyone...
This is for the spouses/exes of current and/or recovering addicts:
Would you ever consider dating someone in RECOVERY given your history with your ex/partner now?
This is for the spouses/exes of current and/or recovering addicts:
Would you ever consider dating someone in RECOVERY given your history with your ex/partner now?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Heck no………..absolutely not!!!!!
If I met someone and they disclosed they were in recovery……..that would be a BIG OLD RED FLAG and time for me to exit.
If I met someone and they didn’t disclose they were in recovery and I found out they were……….that would be a BIG OLD RED FLAG and time for me to exit.
What’s that expression………….
First time is a mistake – second time is a choice.
Believe me I learned the first time around there won't be a second.
If I met someone and they disclosed they were in recovery……..that would be a BIG OLD RED FLAG and time for me to exit.
If I met someone and they didn’t disclose they were in recovery and I found out they were……….that would be a BIG OLD RED FLAG and time for me to exit.
What’s that expression………….
First time is a mistake – second time is a choice.
Believe me I learned the first time around there won't be a second.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MI, USA
Posts: 234
All I can say is
I choose friends and partners based on their Actions, not their words. This I know. I also know I attract people who are like me. If I am lining up some unsettling relationships that don't create calm in my life, I look at me. And choose differently.
Saying goodbye can be the best thing for them and me.
I move s l o w l y these days!
I choose friends and partners based on their Actions, not their words. This I know. I also know I attract people who are like me. If I am lining up some unsettling relationships that don't create calm in my life, I look at me. And choose differently.
Saying goodbye can be the best thing for them and me.
I move s l o w l y these days!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Originally Posted by Choicy
All I can say is
I choose friends and partners based on their Actions, not their words. This I know. I also know I attract people who are like me. If I am lining up some unsettling relationships that don't create calm in my life, I look at me. And choose differently.
Saying goodbye can be the best thing for them and me.
I move s l o w l y these days!
I choose friends and partners based on their Actions, not their words. This I know. I also know I attract people who are like me. If I am lining up some unsettling relationships that don't create calm in my life, I look at me. And choose differently.
Saying goodbye can be the best thing for them and me.
I move s l o w l y these days!
I appreciate your response. "I also know I attract people who are like me." This really resonated with me. Thank you XX
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Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Thank you everyone. It's pretty amazing that everyone said "no," essentially.
I just started going on dates..I've been on two since my ex and I broke up back in July/August. S L O W L Y getting into it. Hesitant.
Both men I've gone out with have been in recovery. (This was not by choice...) I met one through a friend (he has a year sober), and the other I met on a dating website (he disclosed he was in recovery on the first date-8 years sober, not prior).
I don't think I'll go on second dates with either. Both seem like great, kind people and I'm sure they are. But, it's just too much of a risk...especially having had a relationship with my ex while he was in active Opiate addiction.
There must be something in me that is drawn to this...and/or vice versa.
Hugs.
I just started going on dates..I've been on two since my ex and I broke up back in July/August. S L O W L Y getting into it. Hesitant.
Both men I've gone out with have been in recovery. (This was not by choice...) I met one through a friend (he has a year sober), and the other I met on a dating website (he disclosed he was in recovery on the first date-8 years sober, not prior).
I don't think I'll go on second dates with either. Both seem like great, kind people and I'm sure they are. But, it's just too much of a risk...especially having had a relationship with my ex while he was in active Opiate addiction.
There must be something in me that is drawn to this...and/or vice versa.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Hopepraylove, you asked Would you ever consider dating someone in RECOVERY given your history with your ex/partner now?
My knee-jerk response is that I agree with Zoso.
Been there, done that, my childhood with my father, my brother, my husband. All alcoholics, wildly dysfunctional and happy to create and live in the middle of recurring emotional hurricanes...
But, as I think about it, I would actually reframe that question.
I agree with Choicy's comment: I also know I attract people who are like me. If I am lining up some unsettling relationships that don't create calm in my life, I look at me. And choose differently.
It doesn't matter as much who the other person in the relationship is as much as who I am and what I bring and who I attract to me.
When, 3.5 years ago, I literally ran away from my then abusive alcoholic narcissistic terrifying husband of 20 years, I left all that behind me. I spent the next 2.5 years trying to figure out why I was so attracted to and captive to all that dysfunction.
Waited 2.5 years to date until I had a chance to sort myself out and be more the person I want to be. Till the lure of the "exhilarating but damaged dashing intriguing" model had faded. That took quite a while. You can get addicted to drama as much as to substances, and for me, growing up as I did, upheaval, drama, chaos, volatility was normal for my family and seemed normal to me.
Now I just say "I don't do drama." If a conversation veers that way, I participate a bit, and then I just say "I can't go there." And, since I'm no longer choosing people in my life by how exciting (read "chaotic") they can make it, my friends understand when I say that, and own their own stuff.
If I can't fix anybody else's life, and it took me 60 years of life to really learn that and believe it, then I don't have to absorb their drama and chaos.
Life feels so much better to me these days. More happiness, more acceptance that what comes my way comes my way, and I can't have and don't need much at all to be happy. And I can deal with the stuff I can solve and let the rest (and sometimes its owners) go.
I'd say, from my experience, way way too early to be out dating. Taking the time for inner transformation was vital for me, and it took time and introspection and intense work, and every moment of it was and continues to be worth the time and effort.
I'd say take the time and give yourself the freedom to relate to yourself first. Then people you want to be with will be attracted to you and you'll easily turn away from the dysfunctional. Said with great empathy, take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
My knee-jerk response is that I agree with Zoso.
Been there, done that, my childhood with my father, my brother, my husband. All alcoholics, wildly dysfunctional and happy to create and live in the middle of recurring emotional hurricanes...
But, as I think about it, I would actually reframe that question.
I agree with Choicy's comment: I also know I attract people who are like me. If I am lining up some unsettling relationships that don't create calm in my life, I look at me. And choose differently.
It doesn't matter as much who the other person in the relationship is as much as who I am and what I bring and who I attract to me.
When, 3.5 years ago, I literally ran away from my then abusive alcoholic narcissistic terrifying husband of 20 years, I left all that behind me. I spent the next 2.5 years trying to figure out why I was so attracted to and captive to all that dysfunction.
Waited 2.5 years to date until I had a chance to sort myself out and be more the person I want to be. Till the lure of the "exhilarating but damaged dashing intriguing" model had faded. That took quite a while. You can get addicted to drama as much as to substances, and for me, growing up as I did, upheaval, drama, chaos, volatility was normal for my family and seemed normal to me.
Now I just say "I don't do drama." If a conversation veers that way, I participate a bit, and then I just say "I can't go there." And, since I'm no longer choosing people in my life by how exciting (read "chaotic") they can make it, my friends understand when I say that, and own their own stuff.
If I can't fix anybody else's life, and it took me 60 years of life to really learn that and believe it, then I don't have to absorb their drama and chaos.
Life feels so much better to me these days. More happiness, more acceptance that what comes my way comes my way, and I can't have and don't need much at all to be happy. And I can deal with the stuff I can solve and let the rest (and sometimes its owners) go.
I'd say, from my experience, way way too early to be out dating. Taking the time for inner transformation was vital for me, and it took time and introspection and intense work, and every moment of it was and continues to be worth the time and effort.
I'd say take the time and give yourself the freedom to relate to yourself first. Then people you want to be with will be attracted to you and you'll easily turn away from the dysfunctional. Said with great empathy, take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
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Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by overit263
I haven't even dated for two years. No way no how never ever. Would much rather be alone than back in that situation ever again.
I think I'll know when and if I'm ready to dip my toe into the water again. But the time is not right yet. I've still got so many things I want to do for myself before I devote any time and energy to another person.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Shooting star ...
You post reminds me of a realization I had many years ago that I was so comfortably at home in the madness and chaos. This is one place I hope to never be again. This is one place I wonder if we would even go back to if we took the time to heal and learn who we are.
You post reminds me of a realization I had many years ago that I was so comfortably at home in the madness and chaos. This is one place I hope to never be again. This is one place I wonder if we would even go back to if we took the time to heal and learn who we are.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
good question - for me the answer is a resounding no. I have broken parts in me that apparently are drawn to addictive people. I have had experiences with friends in long term recovery and that has gone well. My heart and friendship are open to all that choose that lifestyle.
In terms of a romantic/life partnership relationship the answer has to be a definite NO. I have seen the risk that comes with those relationships and the realities of what it costs when recovery is thrown aside is way too high for me. I think it has to be an individual thing....I am not judgmental about anyone, however, for me, my life experiences have taught me that the risk is just way too high.
I left my ex 4 1/2 years ago and really have not dated since then. I've worked on me and stricved to rebuild the severely damaged relationships with my sons (due to the experience with my ex). I realize that I still have miles to go - recently, I found myself truly attracted to someone for the 1st time since I've been single. Luckily, I knew to recognize what it was and to walk away (finally choosing to walk down a different street when I see pot holes!). Guess what? He is a 9 year sober, former running buddy of my ex. Doing the deal, working a recovery. But....the one person that I've been attracted to in 4+ years? Really? Former rack cocaine/IV drug abuser? REALLY????
Anyway.....keeping him in the friend zone is what I chose to do with that. I don't want to ride that ride ever again......and the only way to do that is not to get on and hope for different results.
I wish everyone well in recovery (especially myself!). I think we each have to chose what is best for us individually. Apparently, I will continue to be drawn to addictive people but that doesn't mean that I will get involved. I can control that part of the equation!
In terms of a romantic/life partnership relationship the answer has to be a definite NO. I have seen the risk that comes with those relationships and the realities of what it costs when recovery is thrown aside is way too high for me. I think it has to be an individual thing....I am not judgmental about anyone, however, for me, my life experiences have taught me that the risk is just way too high.
I left my ex 4 1/2 years ago and really have not dated since then. I've worked on me and stricved to rebuild the severely damaged relationships with my sons (due to the experience with my ex). I realize that I still have miles to go - recently, I found myself truly attracted to someone for the 1st time since I've been single. Luckily, I knew to recognize what it was and to walk away (finally choosing to walk down a different street when I see pot holes!). Guess what? He is a 9 year sober, former running buddy of my ex. Doing the deal, working a recovery. But....the one person that I've been attracted to in 4+ years? Really? Former rack cocaine/IV drug abuser? REALLY????
Anyway.....keeping him in the friend zone is what I chose to do with that. I don't want to ride that ride ever again......and the only way to do that is not to get on and hope for different results.
I wish everyone well in recovery (especially myself!). I think we each have to chose what is best for us individually. Apparently, I will continue to be drawn to addictive people but that doesn't mean that I will get involved. I can control that part of the equation!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Perth WA
Posts: 18
It's only your choice but factoring in your susceptibility, IE, distorted trust layered on potentiality it might be wise to endure the rigours of singledom for awhile yet. We are so used to being pared by chemical as a way forward that its absence causes a void. There you can heal but if you add it will only magnify your loss of self. Healing is about returning to self/wholeness. Allow yourself to be pursued whilst you pursue your own. (goals) Love is free.
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