Tough day yesterday
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Tough day yesterday
I had a really rough day yesterday.
Veteran's day is hard for me. My ex-boyfriend (addict) was a military veteran and suffered many issues following his career in the military. I want to be clear that he was an addict before he enlisted, however, deployed and serving in combat zones definitely did not assist. He was able to be off drugs (but continue drinking for a few years) but after he deployed to Afghanistan, he relapsed on H and has since struggled with his addiction the last several years.
Since kicking him out in August, it's been tough. But, I've been working on myself. Yesterday was hard and I thought of him a lot. I went to an alanon meeting seeking support and was incredibly disappointed by the meeting. I was treated completely like an outcast and was bullied. I've been having a hard time relating to people in the meetings and yesterday, I spoke with the secretary asking if he had a recommendation for an Naranon meeting. He was entirely offended and asked me why I thought I was "such a special snowflake." He then proceeded to tell me that Alanon was all I need and Naranon would be a waste of time. When I told him I was interested in attending an open NA or AA meeting, he told me "newcomers are not welcome in open AA meetings for fear of 13-stepping." I told him that I would be fine and would be attending the meeting with a friend and he said VERBATIM "oh, so you think you're tough? Is that why you're wearing a leather jacket?"
I'm not joking, you can't make these things up. I left the meeting and called my sponsor crying. I'm not going to go back to this one. It's so disappointing when you go to a bad meeting, sometimes it makes me want to quit all in all. I can't imagine how someone would feel if this was their first meeting...thank God it wasn't mine (I've been going for over 7 months now) sometimes it feels like "old-timers" forget what it's like to be new, vulnerable and afraid.
I really just needed a hug and some kind words yesterday. I'm struggling here.
Veteran's day is hard for me. My ex-boyfriend (addict) was a military veteran and suffered many issues following his career in the military. I want to be clear that he was an addict before he enlisted, however, deployed and serving in combat zones definitely did not assist. He was able to be off drugs (but continue drinking for a few years) but after he deployed to Afghanistan, he relapsed on H and has since struggled with his addiction the last several years.
Since kicking him out in August, it's been tough. But, I've been working on myself. Yesterday was hard and I thought of him a lot. I went to an alanon meeting seeking support and was incredibly disappointed by the meeting. I was treated completely like an outcast and was bullied. I've been having a hard time relating to people in the meetings and yesterday, I spoke with the secretary asking if he had a recommendation for an Naranon meeting. He was entirely offended and asked me why I thought I was "such a special snowflake." He then proceeded to tell me that Alanon was all I need and Naranon would be a waste of time. When I told him I was interested in attending an open NA or AA meeting, he told me "newcomers are not welcome in open AA meetings for fear of 13-stepping." I told him that I would be fine and would be attending the meeting with a friend and he said VERBATIM "oh, so you think you're tough? Is that why you're wearing a leather jacket?"
I'm not joking, you can't make these things up. I left the meeting and called my sponsor crying. I'm not going to go back to this one. It's so disappointing when you go to a bad meeting, sometimes it makes me want to quit all in all. I can't imagine how someone would feel if this was their first meeting...thank God it wasn't mine (I've been going for over 7 months now) sometimes it feels like "old-timers" forget what it's like to be new, vulnerable and afraid.
I really just needed a hug and some kind words yesterday. I'm struggling here.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Absolutely change meetings, those people are not representative of how people from the program behave.
CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home group but I also went to Al-anon and on occasion, Nar-anon (the Nar-anon meeting was quite a ways from my home and I preferred the other two for traveling alone at night).
Meetings aren't the answer for everyone but don't give up before you try 3 or 4 different meetings because if you find one that fits and you feel comfortable with, everything else will fall into place.
Hugs
CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home group but I also went to Al-anon and on occasion, Nar-anon (the Nar-anon meeting was quite a ways from my home and I preferred the other two for traveling alone at night).
Meetings aren't the answer for everyone but don't give up before you try 3 or 4 different meetings because if you find one that fits and you feel comfortable with, everything else will fall into place.
Hugs
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
What you experienced is not representative of how those meetings usually go. It's simply unacceptable to behave towards anyone like that, especially when that person is vulnerable emotionally.
Don't let that meeting scare you off.
Don't let that meeting scare you off.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I have been dodging AlAnon control freaks, so have had to blow through two meetings for that. I quit a third meeting when the guy in charge was inviting town drunks to join us, fully inebriated.
I am contemplating trying to start my own meeting, although I will try some open AA meetings first.
So sorry you had a rough day. Please keep coming back.
I am contemplating trying to start my own meeting, although I will try some open AA meetings first.
So sorry you had a rough day. Please keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Well clearly he had his own special brand of dysfunction... Yikes!
Of course you can go to an open aa meeting, that's why they call it open for goodness sakes. I've never heard of "fear of 13 th stepping" either. We are all pretty much expected to keep our pants on, aren't we? Geez
Of course you can go to an open aa meeting, that's why they call it open for goodness sakes. I've never heard of "fear of 13 th stepping" either. We are all pretty much expected to keep our pants on, aren't we? Geez
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
hopepraylove - I hope you had a better reception at the AA meeting but I know when I tried that, I realized that it was good for experience but that I needed a meeting for myself. My recovery and facing awareness. Are you able to check on Coda or Naranon meetings near where you live ?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
That is an unbelievable story and completely out of character for the rooms I have been in.
I am generally not one to complain "up the food chain" especially in volunteer organizations - but your treatment was extrordinarily poor and just plain unacceptable. I am not even sure how one would complain to the Alanon organization -- at the area level perhaps?
Did you get to the open AA meeting yet? How was it? Better I hope, would be hard to be worse!
Keep coming back,
Jim
I am generally not one to complain "up the food chain" especially in volunteer organizations - but your treatment was extrordinarily poor and just plain unacceptable. I am not even sure how one would complain to the Alanon organization -- at the area level perhaps?
Did you get to the open AA meeting yet? How was it? Better I hope, would be hard to be worse!
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Originally Posted by JOIE12 
hopepraylove - I hope you had a better reception at the AA meeting but I know when I tried that, I realized that it was good for experience but that I needed a meeting for myself. My recovery and facing awareness. Are you able to check on Coda or Naranon meetings near where you live ?
The AA meeting last week was excellent. It was a huge meeting with tons of recovery. It was really great to have a shift in my perspective. Interestingly enough, the secretary from my "bad" alanon meeting last week called me this weekend to apologize and make an amends. I except his apology, but I won't be returning to that meeting.
I'll be going to a new naranon meeting tonight after work, will keep you updated with how that goes.
Thanks for checking in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Originally Posted by JimC60
That is an unbelievable story and completely out of character for the rooms I have been in.
I am generally not one to complain "up the food chain" especially in volunteer organizations - but your treatment was extrordinarily poor and just plain unacceptable. I am not even sure how one would complain to the Alanon organization -- at the area level perhaps?
Did you get to the open AA meeting yet? How was it? Better I hope, would be hard to be worse!
Keep coming back,
Jim
I am generally not one to complain "up the food chain" especially in volunteer organizations - but your treatment was extrordinarily poor and just plain unacceptable. I am not even sure how one would complain to the Alanon organization -- at the area level perhaps?
Did you get to the open AA meeting yet? How was it? Better I hope, would be hard to be worse!
Keep coming back,
Jim
Yes, the open AA meeting was wonderful. Thank you for asking!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Hopepraylove,
"I'll be going to a new naranon meeting tonight......"
I hope you like it and find a home group there, I know it worked for me. My home group is just like family and in some ways better since they really understand.
I can't remember if I have shared this here or not....
We give a simple folded, "Welcome card" to newcomers, the outside is the nuts and bolts about the meeting - time. place, etc.
Inside there are some lyrics from a song about recovery that I think capture the true spirit of all of the 12 step programs:
"We're glad you're here,
cause we've been there,
and it's hard to find someone
who understands enough to care.
Put down your pain, cast out your fears.
We're glad you're here,
and we've all been there."
Our card is NOT conference approved, but nobody is saying anything!
Keep coming back,
Jim
"I'll be going to a new naranon meeting tonight......"
I hope you like it and find a home group there, I know it worked for me. My home group is just like family and in some ways better since they really understand.
I can't remember if I have shared this here or not....
We give a simple folded, "Welcome card" to newcomers, the outside is the nuts and bolts about the meeting - time. place, etc.
Inside there are some lyrics from a song about recovery that I think capture the true spirit of all of the 12 step programs:
"We're glad you're here,
cause we've been there,
and it's hard to find someone
who understands enough to care.
Put down your pain, cast out your fears.
We're glad you're here,
and we've all been there."
Our card is NOT conference approved, but nobody is saying anything!
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Originally Posted by JimC60
Hopepraylove,
How did the Nar-Anon meeting go last Monday? Going again ?
Jim
How did the Nar-Anon meeting go last Monday? Going again ?
Jim
It was great. I honestly really enjoyed it...I'm going back tonight. Thank you for checking in with me
How is your daughter doing?
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
It's great you found a meeting that works for you but if you are ever needing an extra meeting don't be afraid to try a different Alanon group.
The first Alanon meeting I tried we were pretty much thrown out as they decided to vote a new "no babies" rule right there and then, interrupting the meeting to do so, despite the fact that they had been allowing babies for years (as long as they were quiet) and despite a gentleman insisting "her daughter is very quiet!!".
The next group I tried, in a women centre, was great and I received so much great advice and support from other members. I can't imagine getting to where I am from where I was without them.
The first Alanon meeting I tried we were pretty much thrown out as they decided to vote a new "no babies" rule right there and then, interrupting the meeting to do so, despite the fact that they had been allowing babies for years (as long as they were quiet) and despite a gentleman insisting "her daughter is very quiet!!".
The next group I tried, in a women centre, was great and I received so much great advice and support from other members. I can't imagine getting to where I am from where I was without them.
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