Laneyc55

I'm writing this after a night of no sleep and worry wondering if I done the right thing. My sister has been an alcoholic for over 10 years. The last 5/6 have been horrendous. She has been in hospital multiple times, detox, rehab and nothing has worked. Last night I received yet another call from the police to say they had found her wondering around a supermarket carpark in her bath robe. She approached them and and said she needs to go to hospital. I'm assuming it wasn't possible for her to buy any alcohol as it was after hours and she then panics when she can't get any but who knows. They wanted me to come to the hospital yet again after midnight as they have better things to do than sit with a drunk in accident and emergency. For the first time ever I said NO!
I know for sure she will have no suply of PJ's , underwear, toiletries etc. and the long list of other things she wants when she's in hospital. She has been admitted to hospital this last year at least once a month for a week or 2 at a time. I've thought she was going to die every time and have even arranged her funeral in my head on mutiple occasions. It really is a living nightmare. This last year alone I've bought her over 30 pairs of PJ's, hundreds of underwear, spent a fortune on toiletries and anything else she needs. I would not mind doing all this if I could see some light at the end of the tunnel or her trying to help herself. but each time she gets released she repeats the same pattern. I can't see her lasting much longer. She has lost everything to alcohol now including her health.
She's my younger and only sister and I feel responsible for her but I can't go on anymore. I'm worn out, exhausted and so miserable. I've thought of moving to another country / area to escape but know that's not the answer. Our parents were both alcoholics and I looked after my mother until last year. My sister never helped and when mum died she would not help with the funeral and then disappeared with a man for 9 months. I assume he dealt with all her drama I guess for than period and hospital admissions. This relationship has not worked and it's back to me again now. This man also has many health issues and is now contacting me.
I'm determined to keep away from her but the guilt is terrible. Who else will help her if not even this man now is capable of doing anything for her. Should I change my telephone numbers? I await every day to be told she has been found dead, it's truly awful. I'm nearly 50 and feel my whole life has been spent cleaning up the mess of alcoholics. I have a lovely partner who tries his best to understand but it affects our relationship as I become very stressed and anxious. No other family members want anything to do with her and I don't blame them. It just leaves me to deal with it. Any old friends she had don't contact her anymore, so she has no -one at all! I would be grateful for any advise. Sorry for the long post!

CodeJob

Hello Laney,

Welcome to SR. Your weariness really comes across in your post. It was OK to say no. You have the right to stop short of 3 dozen pair of pajamas.

Have you ever done any counseling on your own regarding the impact of your growing up with an alcoholic mom?

We have a whole section on Adult Children of Alcoholics. I think studying this area might help you see how you and your sister have been impacted.

But I found the Laundry List a very useful and succinct way to start.

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Laneyc55

That you so much Codejob for your reply. It sounds funny talking about multiple pairs of PJ's ! if only it could be funny. My partner often asks me how many pants I've bought this week for my sister lol. My partner thinks I'm crazy as do other people who have never dealt with alcoholics in the family to run after her as I do. I do know we have both been affected by our parents drinking. Unfortunately it seems she has chosen the same path which is sad but I guess not surprising. I was hoping after my mum died we could have a nice sister relationship without having to deal with the misery of alcohol in our lives any more. It looks like she thought I had a vacancy. I don't want to spend the next 30 years doing the same for her as I madly did for my mum.
I'm going to have a look at info on Adult Children of Alcoholics. Thank you

BlueWisteria

Sometimes there is just nothing else we can do.
The sad truth is that some of us will die from the alcohol/addict disease.
I have a brother who has thrown his life away, hurt the family,
and now has destructive wreckage in every area about to explode.
The alcoholic/addict doesn't get to be the most important person in the family.
Sometimes unconditional love comes down to tough love and just say no.
Abusive behavior is unacceptable. Period.
Family member or not.

goodkitty

Hi there. I am new to this forum, and I hope its ok if I post here. I am currently in recovery for an escalating pattern of alcohol use and am doing well. I am starting to discover that self medication doesn't work, thank goodness. Life is better without...and I am very grateful for this.

The reason I am commenting is because the last several sentences of your post really resonate with me. I have a sibling who has blown through multiple jobs, doesn't currently have a permanent address who has been booted from a partner's home because of drinking/abuse/suicide threats, whom the police have been contacted multiple times about in the last year....the list goes on. Sibling is working, but who knows how long that will last...drinks and drives, has documented (in courts) episodes of road rage...sigh. individual was abusive as a young person to me and others, and never held accountable. I don't know if the drink precedes the undiagnosed mental illness or vice versa..suspect is a self medicating thing that is just getting worse. We haven't spoken in several months....I am at a point that almost wish to call out every poor behaviour..every slam...every manipulation...every speck of B.S. this person has ever laid on me or anyone else. How to do that? I don't know....I don't know if it would help. Parental units are sort of aware but sort of in denial. I don't really wish to ruin their last years on this earth by stirring up crap. Sigh. i re-read this and I sound like an idiot...I don't know if I am making any point at all. I guess any advice from anyone out there would be well appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

atalose

This poem really helped me see and understand that all of my help wasn't really helping. And my quilt fell aside knowing I was doing what was right for not only me but my loved one by saying NO.

IF you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out
to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so
I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so
that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of
me)
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me
walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the
pit....trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see
it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me,
trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault,
enabling me.....The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and
consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not
yours....the sooner I will arrive....and on time....just right where I need
to be...me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead...resist
the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square
one.
If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am
free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look
for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In
the beginning as I start to climb out....I just might slide back down, but
don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I
make it out safe and sound.
Don't you see?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me...I have to
do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever
supposed to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to
get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do
is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart and
from knowledge of what is best for me....but if you truly love me, let
me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good.
Don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly....nudge me out of your
safety net....trust the process and pray for me.....that one day I will not
only fly, but maybe even soar.............

Laneyc55

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied to me. It's helped me so much today. I have so far resisted even phoning the hospital to check how she is, if she has been kept in for a period or even which hospital ward she is in. I normally have all information I need, don't need and don't want to know very quickly. My thoughts are that if there is a real emergency they will contact me as I'm her next of kin. Been trying to keep myself busy with work. I'm so tired with no sleep last night, I just hope I can sleep tonight. Thanks you again, thoughts with you all.......

sadsister62

Hi, I can sooo relate to your story, younger sister,lifetime alcoholic, many men, estranged adult children, ect...After some therapy and al-anon, I went no contact with her and the thing is, it isn't so much about her, it's about ME! I HATED the person I became when I had to spend time with her. I became a bitter, hyper- vigilant woman who was looking for her to screw up and rub her face in it. Doesn't do her any good and doesn't do me any good. Haven't seen her since my mom passed away. She does stay in contact with my other sister and she will be at Thanksgiving. I really don't want to go, but it is unrealistic to Not go. As my husband says, "we can always leave". Sure, I think I am sometimes 2nd guessing myself, maybe I should be more forgiving and compassionate, but then again, that thought is usually fleeting and I remind myself that I am healthier for NOT going back to that behavior, after all, she CHOOSES to continue her drinking, has been in Many re-habs, countless chances to change her life, and won't. So my only choice is to limit contact with her, it is the onlything about her drinking that I have control over. Hope this helps.

Laneyc55

Thank you sadsister62. I'm sorry you are going through the same. I think the No Contact is the way forward for me too. I'm going to try and find some alanon meetings to go to. I did try before but it was mainly partners of alcoholics who were there but I've found an Adult Children meeting that I'm going to try. I agree with you as well that it's about me and how I react to her. I don't like being around her at all now and how it makes me feel and behave. We used to be friends and have a laugh, well that's what I though. I've since been told that she couldn't really stand me at all which was upsetting. I now question my whole relationship with her going back 40 years! I don't want to keep going back to the same thing.

Laneyc55

Atalose, I keep ready your poem and it has really helped me. Thank you

sadsister62

Laney, my sister and I were best friends for many years, our kids were same age, had the same friend group, lived a few miles from each other, but her addiction started messing up her relationships with kids and other family. Found myself ashamed of her behavior, made exuuses for her, the whole enabling thing. I took her addiction personally. The damage she did/does to everyone that cares for her is astounding, and yet we still cover for her. DID, not me anymore. Like I said, I can only control MY reactions, years of trying to control her only led to obsessive thoughts and bitterness, so not healthy. I picture her like a butterfly,have to let her fight the winds and storms on her own, like any of God's creatures. I feel judged sometimes by my other sister for the no contact thing, but I have to put my own family, her kids and granddaughter, and my mental health first, and when I think on THAT, I am satisfied.

14071970

laneyc55 Sending you strength to keep strong enough to protect yourself give yourself time to heal a little too. When I decided to detach from my sister deep down in my heart I knew the only way anything was going to change was if I passed it up to God to decide what was best I knew my sister was very poorly and nearing death so I had to step away it was so very tough because I had and my sister would say been her rock once the rock was removed Vicki's flood began and she had to make her own rock to stop herself from drowning unfortunately as I've written on my post Vicki passed away.I hope and pray your sister finds the strength to beat her addiction and let her find her own rock to keep her from drowning xxx

14071970

Larney if and when you get that call go and be with your sisterxxx Although it is so sad the on ly way my sister could set herself free from her addiction was through death even though I am now grieving the loss of my sister the disease has gone and cannot hurt us no more like I say give it to God to decide xxx