Ally89

I have just moved all the rest of the stuff from my old flat. I loved living there, I was so happy an proud of our lives whilst we were there. I don't understand how any of this has happened. How can things be fine one minute and a complete mess the next?

I am at a loss to make sense of any of it. I read the stories here that talk of jekyl and Hyde, drunk and sober personas. But that wasn't the case for me. He was the same the whole time. I could barely tell the difference. The only reason I knew was because of finding the vodka bottles everywhere, night sweats, bed wetting etc. I am so sad even though I know it's over. He doesn't seem to care. How is it possible that you can care about someone one minute and completely disregard 5 years the next?? The lies, the cheating-who is this person??

I spoke with my counsellor who thought the cheating may have been done purposefully to push me away because it sounds as if he loved me but couldn't be the one to walk away. She said she sees that is people without substance abuse issues too. I don't know. Seems a very convoluted way to go about things to me.

It all meant so much to me. I are people in the other forums taking about how much their partners mean to them, how they Re leaning on them for support in trying to stop etc. Why couldn't he have done the same with me, I gave him all the supper and space he needed. This is so tragic. My first love, what a mess.

redatlanta

I agree it is very convoluted. IMO its very simple. People who cheat are checked out of the marriage on a small level, large, or somewhere in between. Or, they are simply cheaters, liars etc. and the behavior is indicative to whom they are, not whom they have become.

I am sorry you are going through all this I know it hurts! It will get better promise.

LexieCat

I agree with red--the fact that you didn't see what was happening doesn't mean that it happened overnight. It doesn't make it hurt any less, I know.

It will take you some time to grieve the relationship and move on, but move on you must. You certainly don't want to spend the rest of your life mourning it.

Do what you can to make your new place as comfy and cozy and YOU as you can. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. Just remember, nothing that happened is any reflection on your worth as a person or as a partner. These things happen to the best of people.

Hugs,

Ally89

I understand. And if someone is already out mentally I guess it wouldn't be so hard for them to move on but that was not how he behaves towards me. That is why this has all been such a shock

I actually asked him if he thought it would be better to have a break or break up completely to help him cope with everything and he said no. I gave him a very easy out and he didn't take it. Said he wanted to be with me, I was the most important thing to him and he wanted my support. So why go an do that?? It is almost like he hated me and wanted to punish me. I have no idea what happened.

maia1234

Ally,
I always try and post these comments that were said to me by alcoholics, so that I could try and comprehend what just happened to "me"....

Life was all about facilitating drinking. My partner was a 'bit player' to support/enable me. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and it is 100% typical of an alcoholic. We make terrible partners because - and this will be hard for you to hear - we love alcohol far more than we love our own partners. We will sacrifice anything, relationships with family, our business, our self respect, anything, to feed our addiction. We can't help it, alcohol takes over our brains and we do not think rationally.

Hugs my friend, there is nothing rational about dealing/loving an addict!!

redatlanta

I went back and read through your posts. There is a very significant thing that happened between you two that was the beginning of the end.....YOU found out he was secretly drinking. After that confrontation he said he would white knuckle. That didn't work. Then he said he would get help. That didn't work. Ultimately you split.

I think you need more understanding about alcoholism. Alcoholics can love their spouse or partner, love their job, love their friends and family, love a hobby, love a dog; but there is no love greater than the alcohol. When something comes between the alcoholic and the alcohol that something will be removed. His actions toward you are perplexing understandably. Mixed messages. You don't understand alcoholism. YOU came between him and alcohol. You may say that's not true, you were willing to stand by him to help him, you were willing to work through the cheating.

HE didn't want to quit drinking. That's your answer. When he told you he would do it on his own he didn't mean it. When he told you he would get help, he didn't mean it. Alcoholics spend most of their lives trying to figure out how to keep the booze and everything else. In this particular situation "pretending" to get sober got old, and so did you, YOU became a road block; therefore, you must be removed.

If you had ever said to this man "drink as much as you want I don't care I will never say a word" You would most likely still be together.

I suspect there is a lot secret about your Ex. you have dodged a bullet my dear. I know that isn't of comfort. One day.....I promise......you will say to yourself "thank you God".

honeypig

Ally, my XAH was "the same" all the time too. It was very, very difficult to tell if he'd been drinking unless he'd really been drinking HEAVY. A few days ago, he ended up in the ER as a result of a hit-and-run at our mailbox. His BAC was 0.12--and that was 4 hours after he'd stopped drinking! But had they not drawn blood and checked, I guarantee no one, including me, would have had a clue.
He has repeatedly professed his concern for me, how much he thinks about me, etc., but when I told him today that it is not working out for him to live in the upper unit of my house and he needed to find someplace else, there was a 180-degree change in attitude. Gosh, if I was actually going to hold him accountable for his behavior, require him to actually stop drinking instead of A) pretend he had done so or B) claim he was "working on it", well, that was a deal-breaker! And damn, I was being so hasty about this, just like I was about the divorce--I mean, we'd only been married 19 years and I'd only known about the problem drinking for almost 7. Gosh, the poor guy hadn't had TIME to do anything about it before I divorced him...

Like you, I am sad, I am hurt, and I continue to have wild thoughts that somehow this time really IS different, somehow he really IS going to do something besides pretend. You and I both know, deep down, all we can do is move on and trust that every day we'll feel just a tiny bit better.

LexieCat

Yup, I highly doubt he was saying to himself, "Hey, I'm gonna play a really nasty trick on Ally--I'm gonna pretend I love her and then pull the rug out from under her when she least suspects it." Everything he did was to serve his alcoholism. He placated you and told you what you wanted to hear so he could continue as he had been--drinking as he wants to and having a partner so he could feel OK about himself. I probably doesn't realize, himself, that that was what he was doing. In his mind, you made it impossible for him to be with you. And that's true in a way, but obviously it was his own actions that caused the problem leading to the breakup. He is unlikely to acknowledge that--even to himself--until and unless he recovers from his alcoholism. And maybe not even then.

Yes, you dodged a bullet. It will hurt for a while, but it will get better. How quickly it does depends in part on how willing you are to do the work it will take to get past it.

Liveitwell

Just wanted to send hugs, alley. It is hard...but it does get better. I too was willing to work through things with my ex and truly get to the bottom of things-but that required honesty and empathy-two things, among others, that he utterly lacked. He chose to drink-fine by me-it's his life. (It's taken me years and years to get to the point that I can say this....doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt like hell sometimes)....but I know he wasbt drinking at me he just didn't have the tools to live a healthy life-tools I lacked as well...,but pick ourselves up and learn and sometimes a whole new world opens-a much healthier honest world-one we build ourselves. Peace, friend.

Ally89

You are right and I do understand. I just keep going back and questioning myself because he seems so normal and it makes me question myself, like maybe I was overreacting about the extent of the drinking but I know what I saw and should just accept it. I know what the truth is.

I hate this disease and the people it takes from you.

FeelingGreat

Ally he might seem normal on the outside but he's using heroic amounts of vodka to mask his feelings. If he was to become sober he'd have to face life in the raw and he might be grieving like you.
Your sense of loss is unpleasant and will need time to work through, but at least it's real.

redatlanta

Nobody really knows someone until they live with them. Nobody would know what you know. (even if you tell them they still don't "know")

Hiding alcohol is NOT NORMAL. Just hold on to that. I wouldn't be surprised if he is still hiding alcohol even though he is the only one there. Its all about denial.

healthyagain

Ally, it is tough at first, but it will get better with time. Do not take his behavior personally and do not ask too many whys. This is what alcoholics do because alcohol becomes priority no. 1. They chose alcohol over their own happiness, they choose alcohol over themselves. They are even capable of self-handicapping , just to justify their drinking, to find an excuse. My marriage of 9 years fell apart within 4 months. Once I fully stopped enabling my husband, he stopped "loving me." Once I stopped responding to manipulation and mind games, he simply let go. I was playing a role in his life and once I refused to play the game, I became an obstacle. The role of our marriage was to imitate a normal life. He could say, hey, "I have a wife, a job, a nice place to live, no duis, so nothing's wrong!"

I saw my ex shortly yesterday. He was wearing his work clothes. So I ask, did you have to go to work today? And he tells me he has no pants to wear, but his work pants, so he is also wearing his matching work shirt. Pants at Walmart are around $10. We have been divorced for a bit over a month, and he already got to the point that he has no clothes to wear!

So do not ask, just run for your life, and consider yourself lucky.