My first aha moment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
My first aha moment
My struggles the past few weeks have been tough. I cannot begin to say how this site has helped me through some of my darkest moments. You are all amazing and such beautiful souls.
Anyway...tonight I had a little few minute talk with my AH outside of our marriage counselors office because he was making the appointment but says they screwed up and forgot. I know...it's always everyone else. I blew that one off and just moved on.
He is moving out Saturday and I have this ridiculous incessant need to understand why. I know. I'm getting there where I just need to focus on me. It's a process. And sometimes I get a bit stuck.
Anyway he says he's going home and he'll see me there in 30 minutes and we can talk about us. Well of course he never comes home until 4 hours later stinking of cigars because he went to hang out with his sponsor. I said to him glad you came home to work on us. I went in my bedroom and screamed in my pillow. And all of the sudden remembered....omg! I did it again. I went to the hardware store for a loaf of bread. When will I stop going to the hardware store for bread. Besides the obvious fact that I need to be ok with me and love myself, he cannot give me what I'm needing just because he can't. It's not in him. And I need to stop looking for it. I really realized in that moment he just can't and he shouldn't have to. My work is in really loving who I am and not looking outside myself for fulfillment and joy. It all is in me. I just need to see it.
Teensy weensy little teenie tiny baby steps.
Anyway...tonight I had a little few minute talk with my AH outside of our marriage counselors office because he was making the appointment but says they screwed up and forgot. I know...it's always everyone else. I blew that one off and just moved on.
He is moving out Saturday and I have this ridiculous incessant need to understand why. I know. I'm getting there where I just need to focus on me. It's a process. And sometimes I get a bit stuck.
Anyway he says he's going home and he'll see me there in 30 minutes and we can talk about us. Well of course he never comes home until 4 hours later stinking of cigars because he went to hang out with his sponsor. I said to him glad you came home to work on us. I went in my bedroom and screamed in my pillow. And all of the sudden remembered....omg! I did it again. I went to the hardware store for a loaf of bread. When will I stop going to the hardware store for bread. Besides the obvious fact that I need to be ok with me and love myself, he cannot give me what I'm needing just because he can't. It's not in him. And I need to stop looking for it. I really realized in that moment he just can't and he shouldn't have to. My work is in really loving who I am and not looking outside myself for fulfillment and joy. It all is in me. I just need to see it.
Teensy weensy little teenie tiny baby steps.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Really, really big. Try to resist putting a timeline on anything. It takes longer than you like to change behaviors and thought patterns. You are doing amazingly well just by being open to the process.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, wow! I'm impressed!
It really is great when suddenly those little things we keep hearing really CLICK, and OMG, THAT'S what they're talking about!
You're gonna be fine. Baby steps still move you forward, and as you grow you'll be able to take bigger ones.
Good job!!!
It really is great when suddenly those little things we keep hearing really CLICK, and OMG, THAT'S what they're talking about!
You're gonna be fine. Baby steps still move you forward, and as you grow you'll be able to take bigger ones.
Good job!!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FindingAmy......when I think about it.....it is amazing.....that, along the course of my life I can remember the exact second that lifechanging thought entered my brain....
I can remember the exact moment I fell in l ove with each and every one....
When I knew that leaving my first husband would save my soul
When I decided to change my profession...2 times
etc.
Much of the time I can even remember what I was wearing.....I don't think we can ever forget these sort of peak experiences......
dandylion
I can remember the exact moment I fell in l ove with each and every one....
When I knew that leaving my first husband would save my soul
When I decided to change my profession...2 times
etc.
Much of the time I can even remember what I was wearing.....I don't think we can ever forget these sort of peak experiences......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
Keep thinking this way and working on yourself. You're right, too, in accepting that whatever it is you want from him (whether it be an explanation, or whatever) is something he's unable to give right now.
It sounds really cliche to say this but it's true - when you start embracing your own recovery from this, it is amazing how everything in your life starts falling into place and into the right order again. The clarity and peace you will soon gain from your hard work will be so refreshing. Keep it up, because you're worth it.
It sounds really cliche to say this but it's true - when you start embracing your own recovery from this, it is amazing how everything in your life starts falling into place and into the right order again. The clarity and peace you will soon gain from your hard work will be so refreshing. Keep it up, because you're worth it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
YES! Big moment! Good for you!!
I agree with going easy on yourself. It is REALLY hard to observe situations in your life & not just be IN them, DOING the thing. Especially when it involves interacting with others - we don't all just, naturally & subconsciously, reserve part of the brain to wait, watch, see, hear & not judge while the rest of you is actively working through the moment. It takes practice, it's a tough balance.
I always hear my BFF in my head when I think of this issue, "Stop broadcasting when you should be receiving!"... her way of reminding me to tune IN & instead of being in a hurry to send info OUT. I also like the recovery-based sayings I've picked up like, "Don't just do something, stand there!" that remind me to slow down, recovery is not a race.
I agree with going easy on yourself. It is REALLY hard to observe situations in your life & not just be IN them, DOING the thing. Especially when it involves interacting with others - we don't all just, naturally & subconsciously, reserve part of the brain to wait, watch, see, hear & not judge while the rest of you is actively working through the moment. It takes practice, it's a tough balance.
I always hear my BFF in my head when I think of this issue, "Stop broadcasting when you should be receiving!"... her way of reminding me to tune IN & instead of being in a hurry to send info OUT. I also like the recovery-based sayings I've picked up like, "Don't just do something, stand there!" that remind me to slow down, recovery is not a race.
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