chsum

Hi, All!

I'm not an alcoholic; my parents are. I've done oodles of recovery, yet still get swept into my toxic family dynamics, especially lately. My dad died a few days ago. I didn't go down for his final days since I made good boundaries with the family in the last few years. My mom's anguish over losing dad is killing me with guilt. My sister's stony emails about all the things she is doing to support mom further inflame my guilt. I keep sliding into what I should have done, should do, shouldn't have done. Guilt and obligation.

I worked hard to get free of those toxic family dynamics but now they are In My Face and I am floundering.

I just need to be around others who know what I am going through.

Thanks for listening!

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome to SR, chsum! It's good to have you with us. I'm sorry about your dad. It's very hard, even if you were no longer close. But you probably did the right thing. You can't let your addict family drag you down with them.

Soberwolf

Welcome Chsum

Frank14

I don't have too much to go on unless you give some more info, but my dad's family there were 8 kids and 7 were raging alcoholics, including my dad. My mom and brother were serious alcoholics. From my experience there's probably a compromise where you can be involved to an extent without being sucked in. One thing I know, you can't change the past. If your mom currently needs help and your sister is doing all the work, then I can certainly understand her resentment. Do you have an obligation to help your mom? Just my opinion, but yes, a son has an obligation to help his mom even if the situation isn't pretty. I also will add that my dad committed suicide, then my brother, so I had to help my mom during these times. Step up and help your mom and sister would be my advice. Somehow sheltering yourself from the family dynamics sounds pretty weak. Also my mom eventually got a cancerous brain tumor and we had to commit her to a psychiatric hospital. You can't make this stuff up...So, no group hugs from me. Sorry to be so blunt, but I will be here to support you as I've been through a lot myself.

chsum

Thanks all, for the support.

Hey, Frank14, thanks for the blunt sharing. I live with a guy with Asperger's so I'm not offended by someone's blunt sharing. I get it all the time.

I live two states away so stepping in to help is a little difficult. We're having a "celebration of life" party for dad, which I initiated, so I will head down for that part. I'm happy to help, but not when I have a rolling rock of guilt because I "didn't do enough." My family is a master at evoking that feeling in me, no matter what I do. Matter of fact, I used to be in the role my sister was in, giving care to and emotionally supporting my mom, even though she is strong, healthy and more than capable of taking care of herself.

Just as an aside, no one in my family has ever acknowledged the alcoholism...only me. So that, in itself, has always separated me from being a "team player" on that team. I believe in honesty and dealing with stuff face on, not hiding. But again, when I'm swamped in guilt and can't see the forest for the trees, that's difficult.

Staying neutral is an art, but when I do, I can be more efficient and present. I flew down this past summer when I was told that dad was on his way out and had a wonderful visit and said my good-byes to him then. I had a great time with my family, even mom.

I spent some time yesterday researching guilt and the alcoholic family dynamic and it helped me get free of it for today. One day at a time.

Thanks, all, for chiming in. I really appreciate it.

Berrybean

I can see why you might feel anxious, and that by getting involved again it might open a hornets nest. The thing is, at a time like your fathers death it would be seen as a fairly conventional expectation that you all pull together, and that you make yourself emotionally available to one another. Whether your mum will be able to do this is she is still actively alcoholic is another thing.

I would say that a good catchword for you while getting back in the family fold might be 'Boundaries'.

You don't mention what kind of recovery you've done, but I wonder if you've looked into some of the groups specifically for the family (and adult children) of alcoholics. Al Anon tends to be the main one in most areas. You could even make contact with your local ones, and find details of the meetings available when you are staying with your family so that you have support at that time.

http://al-anon.org/al-anon-in-washington

Soberpotamus

Hi Chsum, sounds like you have good boundaries and know how to take care of yourself Welcome to the forum!

Many of us here understand, as we, too, have the alcoholic and dysfunctional family dynamics going on. I absolutely understand the guilt and the feelings of obligation.

I, too, detached from my family at some point and faced some pretty dire consequences. I don't regret standing up for my own sanity and setting myself free though; it was necessary.

You are not alone

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Chsum!!