How quickly we forget how bad things were
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Kennesaw, GA
Posts: 193
How quickly we forget how bad things were
I haven't had a drink in since May 21st, 161 days and thought I would share a little aha moment, sorry for the length.
I've been feeling overwhelmed in the past 2 days with things going on in my life. Today I didn't get enough done that I needed to do but still managed to make class and my internship which I got last week in my field. So I'm doing school, internship, Uber, relationship, and friends and family. It occurred to me how much better these things are to be stressed about than what I was stressed about before I entered rehab to quit drinking. Not only that but I wouldn't even have any of these things!
I started keeping a journal in July of last year in an effort to quit drinking. Looking back at my entries it was a documentation over about 8 months from then on, about how bad things were and kept getting. I would go 3-4 days drink, write and rationalize my use. Then plan again how to get sober etc. Sometimes I would go on a month bender and not write at all. One thing was constant, each entry was worse. Everything back then was so bleak and dreary, it seems like it was written by a different person. I thought I would just share a short one. I hope it helps someone to see that things can change for the better no matter how down and out you feel. This is from 2-27-15.
"Terribly alone. No different than 2-11-15. Obviously. Physically still feel the same, in pain and hungover. Mentally, worse. I can endure. It will not always be this way. I think if I drink again I will end it soon. I can't see any other way however to not drink. I'm crawling out of my skin. It's the flood of emotions, my past. All of it. It's too much. It's not ________ (ex-gf,) It's all the people I have hurt and all the lies. The aloneness. What I remember, mostly what I don't. It's death. What am I doing here anymore? I don't want to die but don't know how to live."
I'm thankful to be alive today and sober to type this much less be stressed/ overwhelmed about positive things in my life. Thanks for listening and thanks for always being there.
I've been feeling overwhelmed in the past 2 days with things going on in my life. Today I didn't get enough done that I needed to do but still managed to make class and my internship which I got last week in my field. So I'm doing school, internship, Uber, relationship, and friends and family. It occurred to me how much better these things are to be stressed about than what I was stressed about before I entered rehab to quit drinking. Not only that but I wouldn't even have any of these things!
I started keeping a journal in July of last year in an effort to quit drinking. Looking back at my entries it was a documentation over about 8 months from then on, about how bad things were and kept getting. I would go 3-4 days drink, write and rationalize my use. Then plan again how to get sober etc. Sometimes I would go on a month bender and not write at all. One thing was constant, each entry was worse. Everything back then was so bleak and dreary, it seems like it was written by a different person. I thought I would just share a short one. I hope it helps someone to see that things can change for the better no matter how down and out you feel. This is from 2-27-15.
"Terribly alone. No different than 2-11-15. Obviously. Physically still feel the same, in pain and hungover. Mentally, worse. I can endure. It will not always be this way. I think if I drink again I will end it soon. I can't see any other way however to not drink. I'm crawling out of my skin. It's the flood of emotions, my past. All of it. It's too much. It's not ________ (ex-gf,) It's all the people I have hurt and all the lies. The aloneness. What I remember, mostly what I don't. It's death. What am I doing here anymore? I don't want to die but don't know how to live."
I'm thankful to be alive today and sober to type this much less be stressed/ overwhelmed about positive things in my life. Thanks for listening and thanks for always being there.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
What a powerful post, Simplex! Thank you for sharing it. It's true- we can quickly forget and rationalize the pain. It's human nature. Hopefully though we can also learn from our mistakes. Hang in there! There is so much promise to the sober life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Congratulations on your awesome foundation of sober time and on this reflection.
It's truly incredible how quickly - and how much - we forget about our suffering. We have this unique ability to shove all of that terrible shame, horrible suffering, the self-loathing and the anxiety and the nausea and the dire consequences into a little box in our minds and tuck it away in a dark corner in such a way that the idea of a drink actually seems like a pretty good idea.
HOW INSANE IS THAT???
Well folks, it's pretty insane.
These days, I go kicking around the dark corners with a flashlight regularly, opening up boxes and looking inside..... because I don't want to forget.
It's truly incredible how quickly - and how much - we forget about our suffering. We have this unique ability to shove all of that terrible shame, horrible suffering, the self-loathing and the anxiety and the nausea and the dire consequences into a little box in our minds and tuck it away in a dark corner in such a way that the idea of a drink actually seems like a pretty good idea.
HOW INSANE IS THAT???
Well folks, it's pretty insane.
These days, I go kicking around the dark corners with a flashlight regularly, opening up boxes and looking inside..... because I don't want to forget.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
^^^^ How very true. It's amazing how quickly the mind forgets the horrors and wants to go back to those. That's why one can never get complacent with sobriety.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Thanks for posting that!
I also keep a journal and have done the same thing--gone back to remind myself just how bleak my life was not all that long ago.
Strong emotions I don't want to be feeling have been coming up lately and I still think of that old escape, but not without those clear memories of the misery that comes with it. Once I remember that, I think I'd rather face these tough feelings and get through it rather than go back to that hell.
I also keep a journal and have done the same thing--gone back to remind myself just how bleak my life was not all that long ago.
Strong emotions I don't want to be feeling have been coming up lately and I still think of that old escape, but not without those clear memories of the misery that comes with it. Once I remember that, I think I'd rather face these tough feelings and get through it rather than go back to that hell.
Adventurer
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Tuxedo Park, NY
Posts: 1,101
Thanks for that, it is true how we tend to forget just how bad things were. This is a good idea for anyone quitting, make a journal and document all the early days. Always helps to have the reminders there to read as our minds tend to gloss over time.
Resident Awesome Guy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Castle Pines, CO
Posts: 747
My father in law who is going on 6 years sober just talked to me about this yesterday. In his counseling they pointed out how our brains are designed to forget pain. I have heard that is why women can have more than one child. Imagine if you remembered every bad thing that had happened to you? Life would suck. I imagine that is why we can forget about how the hangover feels, or what it is like to puke our guts out. Just a theory, but it made sense to me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: LBC, CA
Posts: 203
Thanks for your post. Right now I am where your journal entry is. Not to long ago, I was where you are now, 103 days sober. I chose to drink again three months back and everything spiraled down slow and then real hard: depression, loneliness, not knowing how to live, maybe secretly waiting to die.
I am about to be eight days sober and I can't wait for at least 30 days sober to not feel some of those feelings. Looking forward to being over 100 days when I felt smart, confident, not happy but not depressed, had ambition and just living a sober life. I can't wait! But for now those emotions linger and I just have to deal with them sober until they are gone.
Your post reminded how green the other side is and I am looking to being there in a couple months
I am about to be eight days sober and I can't wait for at least 30 days sober to not feel some of those feelings. Looking forward to being over 100 days when I felt smart, confident, not happy but not depressed, had ambition and just living a sober life. I can't wait! But for now those emotions linger and I just have to deal with them sober until they are gone.
Your post reminded how green the other side is and I am looking to being there in a couple months
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 669
Wow! It's amazing at how much your frame of mind and mine were very similar when actively drinking. I am 77 days sober today and am in the process of learning to live. I truly had no clue how to do that or why I was even here.
Great post. Definitely made me reflect on how bad it was and how much better it is now. Even with all the stress going on in my life right now.
Thank you for your post!
Great post. Definitely made me reflect on how bad it was and how much better it is now. Even with all the stress going on in my life right now.
Thank you for your post!
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