Kirky

I relapsed over the weekend...

Assisting on a photo-shoot and one of the end of shoot rituals is drinking champagne with the whole crew. It didnt even phase me, I took the drink like it was nothing. Didnt even stumble to think of my past almost 3 week sobriety. First downfall.

Went back to my studio with my boss where he proceeded to invite me out with his friends for the night. I already had a drink right? Why not have some more. Called my boyfriend to tell him I was going out and the disappointment in his voice was damning.
When I asked him why he was getting so upset his response was:

"Because you're an alcoholic... Youve been doing so well, Ive been so proud of you..." and the rest faded into nothing. I then became so internally irate that he called me such a "foul thing" that I decided "screw him," I would drink as much as I wanted. Its my body and my rules right?

Wrong.

I had fun, I cannot lie, but ultimately in the end the same thing happened. I got into an argument with my boyfriend that I couldnt remember, and spent the next day feeling like crap.

My question is, when is being an alcoholic going to be okay? When is it going to be less hurtful to be called something I know that I am? Does it ever get better?

Even now, Im more upset being called an alcoholic then the actual act of drinking, is that weird? I dunno if this is something that is normal. Like, do I need to tell him to not call me that or if I should let him continue so it'll push me to do better... if that even makes any sense. It hurts and I hate it, but its the truth. I am an alcoholic.

sigh.

ScottFromWI

It will become okay when you decide it is. It certainly is inconsiderate and hurtful if someone else says it to your face, but that's unfortunately part of life - some people just don't understand or are inconsiderate.

What has to change is your acceptance of the addiction. KNOWING you are an alcoholic and ACCEPTING that you are an alcoholic are 2 completely different things.

Time certainly does help with this and it DOES get better. But part of the "getting better" is work that we all must do. For some of us that means AA and working the steps...which helps in many ways above and beyond just "not drinking". For others in involves self help and/or therapy. For others it involves a lot of time thinking, writing and reading her on SR.

airwick

I think how "we" view ourselves is the important thing

I have accepted that I am an alcoholic.

Do I need to be told from others something that I already know? No.

I accept it

I DON' T NEED TO BE REMINDED BY ANYONE ELSE

48heath

I am an Alcoholic and that is 100% OK for me,I am also an Alcoholic in recovery.I fully accept it.I also accept I cannot take the first drink,whatever happens.

Before I got sober I was always being called an Alcoholic,I hated it,but I haven't been called an Alcoholic for many years now.Nobody would suspect that I am one.Except in an AA meeting,I remain anonymous.

You still have an amount of denial in you,until you throw the towel in it will not get better.

suki44883

I don't think he said anything so terrible. You ARE an alcoholic and you were announcing that you were going to go out and drink.

And that is classic alcoholic behavior.

Maybe you need to accept that you are an alcoholic. It doesn't sound to me like you are fully convinced.

Cholula

I too hated that word until just the other day when I called it quits and saw myself as an alcoholic. Now for the first time in my life I don't care any more about that. It IS what I am. The thing that got me just not too long ago is when one of my friends called a "drunk". That hurt and might be part of the thought process that allows me to see myself as an alcoholic or drunk or what ever label used. The important part for me is not getting mad about that and just moving forward. Some one once told me "it's non of my business what other people think of me" that's a hard one for me because I very much think about what others think about me. Just other thing to work on.

LBrain

when I was drinking my wife called me alcoholic almost every day.

since I quit drinking I have never been called an alcoholic -except when I started attending a group of them in the early days. I got away from that.

I'm no longer an alcoholic as long as I continue to not drink, which will be forever. The day I pick up another drink I will become an alcoholic again - instantly.

It is still new to someone in your life and the pain they experienced may take a while to heal. Do not fault them for this kind of reaction.
They learned this from you. Sure they may not understand it, but they know what you 'are'. And that is all they know.

Give them a reason to think otherwise. You can mention it is hurtful to hear those words. And they can mention it is hurtful to see you drinking.
It takes time for others to adjust to your behavior just as it takes you (me) time to adjust to learning how to go on without drinking.

Give them a reason (evidence to the contrary) to stop using that awful word.

DoubleDragons

I don't think labels are important. The truth is alcohol is a detriment to me. When alcohol enters my system, I am unpredictable and the sane, sensible part of me is no longer in charge. I imagine that if I had a room of people, 500 of them would call me an alcoholic and 500 would say I am not an alcoholic. It doesn't matter. The label doesn't matter. The bottom line for me is that my life is better for me without alcohol in the picture.

My husband would never call me an alcoholic. To this day, I am sure that he wouldn't, even though the poor guy, in the 26 years of knowing me, has only had sober me for a little over 2 years and had to suffer the biggest brunt of all my drunken antics. Honestly, I kind of wish he had called me out on it. I may have even gotten sober even sooner. It is all in the perspective, my friend.

Kirky

THAT IS SO TRUE! I have ALWAYS had a problem with how people perceive me and its reached the point where I am now known as "the drunk," or "the party animal." and as an alcoholic, you dont want that term thrown in your face.

gonzo51511

Yes, ive accepted that im an alcoholic and its ok with me. In fact its freein g because it explains so much of my life failures. And i think it will make recovery pretty much impossible if someone can not accept they are alcoholic

Kirky

I wanna reiterate that I know I am an alcoholic, like someone said earlier maybe I just havent accepted that I am one yet hence why I relapsing...

I just cant handle the fact of being blatantly called one. I think its incredibly rude, even if its true. Its almost like being called fat. Of course the person knows they are fat and they dont need people telling them that over and over again.

keeppushing

I don't know the whole story, but maybe it was your boyfriend's way of trying to be supportive and he didn't understand how much it hurt you? Maybe a calm conversation discussing how he can best support you in such situations might be useful. Or maybe he felt hurt and lashed out. Lots of maybes. I think you will find your answer in an open discussion with your BF as opposed to SR (where you will find lots of support!

KP

ScottFromWI

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about this. You cannot control what other people say or how other people think. Is it rude, sure - but some people are rude. One solution is to avoid such people if possible.

What you CAN change is your attitude towards yourself and as you say - your acceptance of the reality of the situation. Getting sober is not easy, but in the long run people's perception and trust of you will change. It is all about your actions though....you need to take concrete steps to assure that you don't pick up that first drink.

Are you using any sort of formal recovery plan?

Nonsensical

You already knew the answer, and you made him say it. Then when he did you had your excuse to go on a bender.

The alcoholic living in my head is equally devious.

Kirky

Thats completely right.. I knew and did use it an excuse. Matter of fact, previously to this situation we got into a huge fight and had verbally said outloud that this was going to make me go on a bender. Didnt follow through that time. Need to stem away from "excuses"

Kirky

Unfortunately no. Ive just been coming here when Ive felt Ive had the urge or in general. Havent been here much the past week, that probably didnt help. Really a shame, cause I was doing so well.

Cholula

If you don't already have a bike get one. Not a Walmart bike but a good bike that fits you and love to be on. When I get pissed I take a ride. I'm not talking about getting out the spandex and going all Tour de France. Just hop on and and clear your head.

Anna

I had a hard time with the label, too. I know that I'm an alcoholic but I don't define myself that way. I am many things and I simply don't allow that to bring me down. What has made it easier for me is that almost no one in my life (aside from my immediate family) knows that I'm an alcoholic. I just don't drink and it's not big deal.

helpimalive

Two things, I think.

One. "Alcoholic" is a culturally loaded word. Us calling ourselves alcoholics is one thing, but if someone else says it to us, it's got a different, more insulting force behind it. Because people don't call people alcoholics casually, more often than not. It's an insult or a judgment. So it could be, that's why you were offended by what your boyfriend said.

Two. So, you were offended. And you used that as an excuse to drink when you'd already been drinking. I half think that, if it were me in that position, it could have been anything that made me feel like I had license to drink however much I wanted. I personally would have been extra sensitive to anything that might give me such license.

You just have to work on knowing for yourself you're a person who can't drink without consequences. How you feel when your disappointed boyfriend uses a culturally loaded word isn't as important as whether you know you can't drink, I think maybe.

I really think it's okay not to like being called that word. I don't like it myself, and I'm fighting like heck to get it through my own head I can't drink normally or safely. Just make sure if you're offended by the word, it's not because you still think you can drink.

ccam1973

Kirky, you can get your time back. Start again and learn from your mistake. Bottom line is you drank. I know the stigma of being an alcoholic might not be what you want in your mind, but your boyfriend didn't create this problem for you.

The worst thing you can do is justify other's perceptions of your alcoholism by feeding your addiction... and that's exactly what you did.

Bottom line is you have to make this change for you. If you stick to not drinking, then everything else will fall into place.

I know i'm an alcoholic... do I like to hear others say that when referencing who I am, absolutely not. But, I still know and accept that I am an alcoholic. No one else made me this way, but me.

Use this experience to make you stronger in your fight to stay sober. You can do it, and we can help when you are in need.