Fed up and not sure what to do
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 1
Fed up and not sure what to do
I am currently 24 weeks pregnant with a 1 year old at home. Been married for 5 years and with my husband for a total of 10 years. His drinking and substance use has gotten worse every year. I have been awake since 6am and it's now 12:30am and my son will be awake by 6 again. Spent the last 2 hours trying to get husband to stop drinking and come to bed. Worried he will do something bad. He drank probably a bottle of liquor tonight, felt sick so blames it on me that I am conspiring against him. Every night it's either pills, liquor, weed something. Then when he doesn't he takes his anger out on me or my son. I know he has anger issues and low self esteem and has even threaten to kill himself. I fear for his life. All the **** he says to me is wearing on me emotionally. I don't want to leave him but know he needs help. If I left he would blow all our money and probably come after me or my son. Probably destroy everything physically. So he finally passed out after blaming me that I made him sick, that I was conspiring with his friend and that he will make it easy and "take care" of himself. I live in fear everyday and not sure what to do anymore. I made s list of everything one night after another possible black out night of his. I have no where to turn and no one to talk to and feel this is the only place I can get advise from others that have been in my shoes. Please tell me what I should do, not sure I can take much more but don't want to be a single mom of two. I love my life and him and my house I just hate his addition!
- More and more bitter every day
- Almost every time drinking ends up belligerent
- Does not trust me when drinking at all
- Thinks I'm scheming
- Thinks I want to leave or take away kids
- Does not like my family when drinking
- Thinks my family is scheming all the time
- I always have to watch what I say at all times
- Is very sensitive
- Threatens to leave me
- Threatens to hurt himself
- Threatens to hurt others
- I have almost gotten to the point where sometimes I can't trust what he will do or say
- Gets messed up just about everyday somehow
- I'm always having to defend myself
- I have to always be on the defense
- not sure now much longer I can take this always having to watch everything I do or say
- a loose cannon
- has no restraint when drinking
- everyone changes but has grown to be very bitter and resentful
- hate everyone and everything now
- was not like this always. Is only getting worse
- I hate my son being around him when he is so angry all the time
- at the point I'm not sure what to do
- - verbally abusive
- talks down to me
- thinks everything needs to be perfect but nothing is ever perfect
- gets destructive, wants to destroy or break or steal things
- thinks he is entitled so things that are not his
- become a hermit and does not like anyone else even friends.
- thinks everyone is out to get him or is after him
- he says hateful things, then passes out and him stuck loosing sleep and carrying the weight of what was said because most of the time he won't remember.
- have a feeling once he leave for cruise it will end up bad , he will end up doing something every bad to someone who may be my family or himself
- I need help
- I love him more than anything
- More and more bitter every day
- Almost every time drinking ends up belligerent
- Does not trust me when drinking at all
- Thinks I'm scheming
- Thinks I want to leave or take away kids
- Does not like my family when drinking
- Thinks my family is scheming all the time
- I always have to watch what I say at all times
- Is very sensitive
- Threatens to leave me
- Threatens to hurt himself
- Threatens to hurt others
- I have almost gotten to the point where sometimes I can't trust what he will do or say
- Gets messed up just about everyday somehow
- I'm always having to defend myself
- I have to always be on the defense
- not sure now much longer I can take this always having to watch everything I do or say
- a loose cannon
- has no restraint when drinking
- everyone changes but has grown to be very bitter and resentful
- hate everyone and everything now
- was not like this always. Is only getting worse
- I hate my son being around him when he is so angry all the time
- at the point I'm not sure what to do
- - verbally abusive
- talks down to me
- thinks everything needs to be perfect but nothing is ever perfect
- gets destructive, wants to destroy or break or steal things
- thinks he is entitled so things that are not his
- become a hermit and does not like anyone else even friends.
- thinks everyone is out to get him or is after him
- he says hateful things, then passes out and him stuck loosing sleep and carrying the weight of what was said because most of the time he won't remember.
- have a feeling once he leave for cruise it will end up bad , he will end up doing something every bad to someone who may be my family or himself
- I need help
- I love him more than anything
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi and welcome Stimen 
I'm sorry for what brings you here but I know you'll find support. I move your thread here for more response.
I know you love this guy, but it's ok to think about what's best for you - and especially whats best for your son.
D
I'm sorry for what brings you here but I know you'll find support. I move your thread here for more response.
I know you love this guy, but it's ok to think about what's best for you - and especially whats best for your son.
D
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Stimen, I'm very sorry to hear of the situation you're in, especially pregnant and with a young child.
Has he ever been physical with you, or intimidating, like hitting the walls, throwing stuff, blocking your way? Does he scare you?
Honestly, I know you love him but living in this situation is intolerable. Not only are you desperately tired and stressed, but you're also exposing your unborn baby and toddler to very high levels of anxiety. And you can't control him at all; it's useless to try and you'd be better off getting some sleep.
I strongly suggest you call a domestic violence help-line. He doesn't have to hit you for you to qualify, just subject you to abuse, which can come in many forms. They will give you some steps you can take to help yourself and the baby. It's very concerning that you are afraid he'll 'come after' you or your family. Threats like that are illegal, and could get him into serious trouble.
Secondly, consider consulting a lawyer to see where you stand. You might be able to get him out of the house if he's making you feel afraid. There are measures you can take through the courts to achieve this. If you can't afford legal help the DV people might be able to refer you to a free service.
Stimen, please don't minimise this in your mind. You're right to be very concerned and the situation has to stop before it gets more serious. I know you think you have no options but you do, and you just need to access support.
Has he ever been physical with you, or intimidating, like hitting the walls, throwing stuff, blocking your way? Does he scare you?
Honestly, I know you love him but living in this situation is intolerable. Not only are you desperately tired and stressed, but you're also exposing your unborn baby and toddler to very high levels of anxiety. And you can't control him at all; it's useless to try and you'd be better off getting some sleep.
I strongly suggest you call a domestic violence help-line. He doesn't have to hit you for you to qualify, just subject you to abuse, which can come in many forms. They will give you some steps you can take to help yourself and the baby. It's very concerning that you are afraid he'll 'come after' you or your family. Threats like that are illegal, and could get him into serious trouble.
Secondly, consider consulting a lawyer to see where you stand. You might be able to get him out of the house if he's making you feel afraid. There are measures you can take through the courts to achieve this. If you can't afford legal help the DV people might be able to refer you to a free service.
Stimen, please don't minimise this in your mind. You're right to be very concerned and the situation has to stop before it gets more serious. I know you think you have no options but you do, and you just need to access support.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Maryland
Posts: 178
Welcome my dear- you will learn so much from reading here. Start with the stickies, and even read other's posts. I too have been in your shoes- I assure you that you will feel better when you read and learn- one day at a time.
Keep sticking around here -hugs- I cannot tell you what you should do, only you can decide for yourself. Sounds like you know what the right decision is for yourself.
Keep sticking around here -hugs- I cannot tell you what you should do, only you can decide for yourself. Sounds like you know what the right decision is for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. It was very hard, but I had to make a choice to protect myself and the kids. My ex's drinking and abusive behavior were escalating and we were no longer safe in the home with him.
I was a single mom long before I left my ex, and it sounds like you are too. It is actually easier now that I don't have to live in constant stress and fear.
I was worried for my ex too, but I had to accept that he's a grown man making his own choices and he's responsible for himself. I couldn't save him or fix him or make him get help.
I left with the help of family. Would your family be willing to help you get to a safe place? Or hire a lawyer to legally get him out of the house? There are a lot of resources available to you. One of them is the DV hotline 1-800-799-7233. Your husband is abusive, even if he's not gotten to the point of being physical yet. The way you describe his behavior makes me afraid for you and your childrens' safety. Being pregnant you are particularly vulnerable right now, and your son is still just a baby.
Thank you for reaching out here. There are many other members who have been in this situation, and have experience that will help you make the decisions you need to make. Please keep posting and stay safe. If he threatens suicide again, can you call emergency services and have him removed from the home?
This sticky has some good resources.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
I was a single mom long before I left my ex, and it sounds like you are too. It is actually easier now that I don't have to live in constant stress and fear.
I was worried for my ex too, but I had to accept that he's a grown man making his own choices and he's responsible for himself. I couldn't save him or fix him or make him get help.
I left with the help of family. Would your family be willing to help you get to a safe place? Or hire a lawyer to legally get him out of the house? There are a lot of resources available to you. One of them is the DV hotline 1-800-799-7233. Your husband is abusive, even if he's not gotten to the point of being physical yet. The way you describe his behavior makes me afraid for you and your childrens' safety. Being pregnant you are particularly vulnerable right now, and your son is still just a baby.
Thank you for reaching out here. There are many other members who have been in this situation, and have experience that will help you make the decisions you need to make. Please keep posting and stay safe. If he threatens suicide again, can you call emergency services and have him removed from the home?
This sticky has some good resources.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Stimen, welcome to SR. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope here. Please take some time to read around the forum, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. Also please consider Alanon for some face-to-face support for yourself.
You said you don't want to be a single mother of two--it sounds like you already are, w/another one on the way. That should show you that you have the strength to do whatever you need to do. Take some time, educate yourself, and your path will start to become clear.
You said you don't want to be a single mother of two--it sounds like you already are, w/another one on the way. That should show you that you have the strength to do whatever you need to do. Take some time, educate yourself, and your path will start to become clear.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I'm so sorry for the reasons you are here but it's the best place to be. I know you say you love him...but right now you need to love yourself abd your kids more. Please reach out for help - please-and keep coming back. I second what Lady said-and all of us can say the same-we obviously wouldn't have dated/married/had kids with these men (boys?) if they were the people they are now. Alcoholism and abuse are progressive if not treated. Please do whatever you need to protect yourself and your kids!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
((((Hugs)))) I am so sorry. I wish I could tell you how to make everything better with him. I wanted that very much with AXH. Can I gently point out a couple statements that are fairly contradictory?
I could have written your post myself, and when I was still with AXH, I wouldn't have seen that those two feelings, expressed in the same paragraph, were diametrically opposed to each other. A relationship that is safe would not include the second statement.
It took me a long time to realize that AXH's drinking / drug use and his anger issues weren't part of the same problem. (That is, his drinking didn't make him angry. He IS angry. And he drinks.) It took just as long for me to realize that his threats of suicide were another way for him to try to control me. He may have meant them when he said them, but ultimately, he knew that if I was afraid he'd kill himself, I'd stay. And that was what he wanted: me to stay.
I didn't want to be a single mom either, but I have to say I was doing most of it on my own even when I was with AXH. And while it's not easy being a bona-fide single mom, it's infinitely easier being a mom to DS without living in fear of AXH.
I really want to recommend "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, but only if you can read it without your AH finding it. Is there anything you need to talk about that we help with? Sometimes, just having some one to talk to lightens the weight so much. Sending gentle hugs.
I love my life
I live in fear everyday and not sure what to do anymore.
It took me a long time to realize that AXH's drinking / drug use and his anger issues weren't part of the same problem. (That is, his drinking didn't make him angry. He IS angry. And he drinks.) It took just as long for me to realize that his threats of suicide were another way for him to try to control me. He may have meant them when he said them, but ultimately, he knew that if I was afraid he'd kill himself, I'd stay. And that was what he wanted: me to stay.
I didn't want to be a single mom either, but I have to say I was doing most of it on my own even when I was with AXH. And while it's not easy being a bona-fide single mom, it's infinitely easier being a mom to DS without living in fear of AXH.
I really want to recommend "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, but only if you can read it without your AH finding it. Is there anything you need to talk about that we help with? Sometimes, just having some one to talk to lightens the weight so much. Sending gentle hugs.
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