Igor94

I’ve been drinking tonight. I have determined to go to AA meetings tomorrow and try to give myself a boost of motivation to get and stay sober and then to continue meetings and other sobriety-oriented activities. I’ve had major success this year in terms of time spent sober (around 6 or more of the last 8 months sober), but I was too much of a “dry drunk” I think.

By that I mean I was living sober but wasn’t engaging in activities like meetings or counseling whose purpose is solely to reinforce my sobriety. Willpower and self-knowledge alone cannot maintain sobriety. I think that’s an AA slogan and I now believe it.

I also wanted to note how this disease truly does progress even when you don’t drink. I went four months sober and my tolerance for alcohol did not go down and even seemed to increase. I thought I might get some enjoyable buzz off a couple drinks after 4 months. Wrong. I started drinking 12+ drinks worth of vodka (more than before my four months of sobriety) without even feeling drunk. I just felt a little sedated and then fell asleep (passed out).

It isn’t even enjoyable to drink and yet the obsession remains. God I hope some meetings and church work out for me. I believe they will if just get my butt out the door tomorrow.

120degrees0ut

Hey Igor94! Boy do i know all about alcohols progression. I also read about in one of my alcoholism books written by a Dr. Believe me, it will keep on getting worse. It can take many, many yrs...but everything i read about progression and things that happen with it...Happened to me. And i saw worse crap happen to my drinking buds who died of liver cirroshis from booze. Yeah, why does the crap become an obsession? I hear ya! Its all just a big mess, yet i was obsessed with it. makes no sense. I think im just addicted, is all...

snoopdoggypug

Hi Igor,

Difficult as a relapse is, I truly believe it makes you stronger next time.

Knowing that a couple of drinks a few months down the line doesn't give you the nice buzz you thought it would will be a bit stronger in your mind next time from this experience.

You've slipped not fallen, dust yourself off & continue, slightly wiser than last time!

Berrybean

Hey Igor - good luck with that meeting.

Can I just say, it's worth trying a few different meetings before making up your mind whether AA is or isn't for you.
The meetings can all have very different focusses and moods. It can be tempting to stick with people who you feel are where you are now, but a common phrase in AA is 'stick with the winners', and it is a good idea to do this. The 'winners' are generally the people with a healthy and happy sobriety, who work the program to the best of their ability, and get involved in meetings. They are the people who can guide you to that place of serenity in the long term. A 'healthy' meeting will have at least SOME focus on the solution, and not dwell entirely on woes and drunkalogues (these can be useful ways for people to highlight where they came from, but a whole meeting dwelling on old drinking exploits isn't one that will give people hope or guidance ).

Hope your meeting's a good un

MIRecovery

Going to AA for me was not enough. Half measures availed us nothing. Going to AA, getting a sponsor, working the steps, doing service work, getting to know people, and reading the BB got and keep me sober.

Unfortunately a 50% effort gets you 0% sober. Read the open paragraphs of "How it works" about 10 times. In those paragraphs are the secret of sobriety

ast1

Today is a great day to start again!! Do what you need to to stay sober.

Soberwolf

Welcome bk bud have you got a plan if not here are some excellent plan building links

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html

120degrees0ut

MIRecovery....is How It Works in the AA Big Book? Cuz i have the book..

thomas11

Just out curiosity, how did you feel in the morning after those 12 drinks? I know when I drank daily, I didn't get hungover. Then I binged and still didn't get hungover, just straight to withdrawal. Did you feel hungover?

Dee74

How are you doing Igor?

D

Berrybean

It's Chapter 5 of the BB.

As well as reading, I often use the speaker tapes as well. There a loads of free ones on this website (I put them on an MP3 player and listen on my commute to and from work) 5500+ AA Speaker Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!

Igor94

Sorry for my disappearance and not responding to everyone’s questions/comments. I haven’t start my AA routine yet but this is my first day without drinking finally. I finally managed to get home from work without stopping at one of the liquor stores I had already started rotating to. I felt temptation but once I got home with family I was already at ease and very glad with my decision.

No urge at all right now. I’m just relaxed and looking forward to a good night of sleep for once. I’ll wake up feeling SO much better tomorrow. Words can’t even do it justice how better it feels to wake up sober. No sleep sober would feel better than waking up drunk.

I’ve started to come around to the common belief among counselors and some doctors that Klonopin (and other benzos) isn’t good for alcoholics. I have a prescription for it. I do not use it like alcohol trying to get a buzz or anything. But I do use it for alleviating hangovers/withdrawal each morning after I’ve drank. It essentially erases the hangover and withdrawal symptoms for me (at least until I develop tolerance to it which I had in the past). So having a bunch of klonopin on hand definitely serves to enable drinking and prolong a relapse.

I only have a few pills of klonopin left now so treating withdrawal would suddenly end if I kept drinking. I truly believe that after that would come uncontrollable panic attacks, complete inability to work, and job loss. I’m thinking of not even refilling my prescription. Just keep a few on hand in case I have a legitimate reason like some big presentation at work.

Igor94

Thomas, I was using my klonopin to treat withdrawal. Without the klonopin I didn't really get what I'd consider a hangover either anymore. I'd just feel super tired and crappy for a few hours after getting up, but no stereotypical hangover (severe headache, throwing up, etc). After a few hours severe anxiety, shaking, and panic attacks would set in. It would be impossible for me to be at work or in public without the klonopin if I had drank the night before. And yet I have no doubt I'd drink to alleviate that anxiety and continue the cycle. So no more drinking for me.

Igor94

Thanks soberwolf. My plan is to go to AA and church. Besides that I don't have many specifics. Don't know if I'll work the actual 12 steps. All I know if the peer support at the meetings is very powerful, and the group interaction has an extremely huge benefit for me of reducing my social anxiety which is a big trigger in itself. Also reduces boredom and loneliness, my other major triggers.

I think I want to use meetings for the peer support and social aspect, but use church rather than AA to rebuild my spiritual life. I was a devout Catholic growing up and the good feelings I got from it are still there, just need to rekindle them after years of not going.

Igor94

Thanks Beccybean. I completely agree with your advice. I actually went to meetings for a month or so in a different region and saw just what you described. A couple meetings were so glum and negative I actually felt discouraged. Others had a much better atmosphere and I developed two or three favorites. Now I want to do the same thing in my new area and actually stick with it this time!

Dee74

I'm glad you're back Igor.

Not sure about the klonopin tho - are you self medicating or are these prescribed to you for withdrawal?

D

Igor94

I am prescribed the klonopin for social anxiety. I know I am essentially abusing it to use it for withdrawal though and want to stop. Given the relatively short duration of this recent relapse, I don't think I'll be having much in the way of withdrawal after today. After today I want to minimize my use of it for anxiety and get off it altogether. Probably would have done that already if it wasn't for the recent relapse. It's just too much of a risk to have it on hand I think because it allows me to prolong a relapse by treating hangovers/withdrawal every day and then drinking again at night.

MelindaFlowers

I lived in "tomorrow" for about five years. I nearly killed myself with the "quit tomorrow" plan.

Berrybean

I had pretty much the same idea. I really do hope that just meetings and church will be enough to relieve your anxiety and keep your sobriety on solid ground.

For me unfortunately this ended up not being the case, and (although, by some miracle I managed not to drink) that procrastination cost me a lot of pain and a breakdown of sorts at about 6 months into sobriety. It turned out as effective for me as going along to the gym but not doing the exercises. Like you I had a very supportive church as well as a lovely home group, but none of this could bring me the serenity and help me adjust my faulty perspective that actually doing the personal work on my recovery through those steps and with a sponsor eventually did.

Is there something specific that puts you off of doing the steps? I think for me it was that I didn't really class myself as 'enough' of an alcoholic to need them. One thing I started to notice though - the happy and serene people at meetings all had sponsors and lived the program, working the steps in their daily life. Those glum ones I met? Well, you can guess maybe. I suddenly realised what all those people who had what I wanted had in common, and decided that I should follow their lead. Then those AA Promises all started to come true for me - something that I really didn't think was possible.

Anyway - good luck with your meeting and church going.

Perhaps you could look at your sobriety plan as far as your daily routine goes - a bit like a risk assessment, so that you can develop some strategies for dealing with slippery people, slippery places and slippery events or times of day. Also take the HALT triggers into account (Hungry; Angry; Lonely; Tired). It sounds like after work is a dodgy time for you, as it is for lots of people. Hardly a surprise as that's when often most of those HALT triggers are jangling us a bit. (For example, my personal after work strategy includes eating a mid afternoon snack and listening to one of the more humorous AA speaker recordings on my commute home (or some uplifting music) - so, when working my recovery plan, I include such simple things as ensuring that I have those things with me on a daily basis.)

Best wishes for your recovery journey.

kamm

Welcome back Igor. Why not start right now?
How are you feeling, today?