My Dad
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
My Dad
I’ve never posted in this section of the Forum other than replying to threads, but for me I thought I’d share my story, these last few weeks I’ve really been working out where I’m at and a large part of my life has been consumed by my relationship with my dad and his alcoholism, I shared over the last few weeks the story of my own alcoholism, to which I think only a paragraph and a bit featured my dad as I wanted to specifically focus on my own addiction, but here I want to elaborate.
I never needed to go looking for alcoholism, it was there in the next bedroom, as a child listening to your parents argue in the early hours of the morning it was clear that something wasn’t right, normal parents don’t shout at each other at 2am in the morning, a normal dad doesn’t come home from his work at 1am from work, and a normal mum doesn’t end up with bruises to show the next morning as she puts on a smile and heads off to her work as if nothing happened, imagining and hoping that her kids heard nothing, never heard the shouting, the abuse, the threats, or saw the bruises, but we did, myself and my sister, night after night, weekend after weekend, year after year.
As time went on my parents relationship dissolved, legal separations, custody orders over myself and my sister, restraining orders and finally divorce, my parents went their separate ways but what about the kids? Where do we go? Other children had both their parents, they enjoyed Xmas, Birthdays, New Years, I simply forgot about them, they disappeared as the years passed by, nothing was normal anymore, there was no family unit, I neither felt safe or comforted, I felt like life was crumbling around me.
But the funny thing about life is it continues on, no matter what, I hit my late teens and attended Alateen and it had an impact, it opened my eyes to the destruction that alcohol can cause to families, not just mine, it was not all about me anymore, there were many kids, many much younger than me that were really struggling, I was feeling it, but I wasn’t bowing out anytime soon, some of these kids I realized were at the end of the line and I tried to be a shoulder as best I could.
As my teenage years turned into my 20s I swapped Alateen for Al-Anon, and once again my eyes were opened to how many marriages were being destroyed, these meetings tended to be the other half of marriages, I was in the minority, the adult kid, but I still found the meetings of great comfort, at this point I had been teetotal for over 10yrs and hadn’t spoken to my dad in 6yrs.
One Sunday, a day during my days at college I plucked up the courage to make contact with my dad, almost 10yrs without contact, I felt it was an important step, I dialled the number, shaking but knew deep down this was the right thing to do, he answered, I said hello, he said are you alright, I said yeap I’m fine, are you alright for money he said, I said yes I’m fine, it was the most awkward phone call I’ve ever had in my life, but I felt we had to start somewhere, and we did for the next few years we talked, it was a start.
Things were great at first, but slowly the more myself and my dad talked the more he would call me drunk, he couldn’t meet up in person without it being in a bar, and eventually when I would set boundaries I would receive aggressive and abusive text messages, I had opened the door but that father/son relationship that I longed for was still nowhere to be seen, alcohol still called the shots.
It was a September Friday evening, 1am and I received a phone call, luckily I hadn’t been drinking, I had felt soo tired after work that I went straight to bed after dinner, but I awoke with a jump, no one calls this late unless it was an emergency, and it was, my dad had been rushed to intensive care, he had suffered a minor stroke, I arrived at his bedside, he was soo unaware of his surroundings, as I signed the next of kin forms the nurse said his blood pressure was soo high that normally a patient would be dead with his numbers, and I jokingly said stubbornness runs in the family, I would have said anything to break to the atmosphere.
Night after night I travelled from work to visit him, I would get home at 11pm, straight to bed and back up for work at 7am, I became exhausted, my mum started to comment on my weight lose as I wasn’t eating and loosing soo much weight, and many would say why did I bother? And my reply still is I cared, he was my dad, as next of kin he had no one else, and I did what I thought was right.
It was 11.30am, I’ll never forget it, I was up to my eyes at work, one of those day when there’s soo much to do and not enough time to do it, my manager called me on my extension number, and I answered, the phone went quiet, and then she said a call just came through from the hospital, it was a nurse, and she says you “need to get here right now”, and I can’t thank her enough because she basically said, “go, right now, you need to be there”, and soo I did, but on the 1hr drive to the hospital my dad passed away, alone, of liver failure, due to alcoholism, I reached the hospital and didn’t leave for 2 days, by then I knew the nurses by name, I can’t thank them enough, because I didn’t know where I was, or what I was doing as next of kin, they kept me right and when it was all said and done a few weeks later I sent them a card and a box of chocolates to say thank you.
My dad was brought home from the hospital and had a traditional Catholic wake, I stayed up for what felt like a decade, but it was only 3 nights, I was alone, my sister didn’t attend the funeral, my mum attended the funeral service but nothing more, it really made me think and become resentful of the traditional family structure, where was it?
In the end as he was laid to rest, I remember thinking, was I best son I could be? And I thought I was, alcoholism is a disease, no one could have changed my dad’s ways only him, and I found piece in that, I did my best and if that still meant the death of my father, then so be it, addiction is the individual’s responsibility, and no one else’s and no one should feel guilty over the fact someone did not change their ways.
My dad was a good man, I say this after all these years, he was a shocking father, but as a human being he did his best, alcohol was an addiction as it was my addiction too, and so I can look at the situation with empathy and understanding, take out the addiction of alcohol and the story would have been different.
The first few years after his passing I went to his grave and then drank the day away, but not anymore, if nothing else I’ve gotten Sober for me, but I also can’t help feel like I’ve gotten Sober from him also, I sometimes imagine that he’s looking down thinking and looking forward to the day that we’ll both meet again, and with outstretched hands, have a handshake and I’ll say “It’s good to see you dad” and he’ll say “it’s good to see you son”!!
Thanks for listening!!
PK
I never needed to go looking for alcoholism, it was there in the next bedroom, as a child listening to your parents argue in the early hours of the morning it was clear that something wasn’t right, normal parents don’t shout at each other at 2am in the morning, a normal dad doesn’t come home from his work at 1am from work, and a normal mum doesn’t end up with bruises to show the next morning as she puts on a smile and heads off to her work as if nothing happened, imagining and hoping that her kids heard nothing, never heard the shouting, the abuse, the threats, or saw the bruises, but we did, myself and my sister, night after night, weekend after weekend, year after year.
As time went on my parents relationship dissolved, legal separations, custody orders over myself and my sister, restraining orders and finally divorce, my parents went their separate ways but what about the kids? Where do we go? Other children had both their parents, they enjoyed Xmas, Birthdays, New Years, I simply forgot about them, they disappeared as the years passed by, nothing was normal anymore, there was no family unit, I neither felt safe or comforted, I felt like life was crumbling around me.
But the funny thing about life is it continues on, no matter what, I hit my late teens and attended Alateen and it had an impact, it opened my eyes to the destruction that alcohol can cause to families, not just mine, it was not all about me anymore, there were many kids, many much younger than me that were really struggling, I was feeling it, but I wasn’t bowing out anytime soon, some of these kids I realized were at the end of the line and I tried to be a shoulder as best I could.
As my teenage years turned into my 20s I swapped Alateen for Al-Anon, and once again my eyes were opened to how many marriages were being destroyed, these meetings tended to be the other half of marriages, I was in the minority, the adult kid, but I still found the meetings of great comfort, at this point I had been teetotal for over 10yrs and hadn’t spoken to my dad in 6yrs.
One Sunday, a day during my days at college I plucked up the courage to make contact with my dad, almost 10yrs without contact, I felt it was an important step, I dialled the number, shaking but knew deep down this was the right thing to do, he answered, I said hello, he said are you alright, I said yeap I’m fine, are you alright for money he said, I said yes I’m fine, it was the most awkward phone call I’ve ever had in my life, but I felt we had to start somewhere, and we did for the next few years we talked, it was a start.
Things were great at first, but slowly the more myself and my dad talked the more he would call me drunk, he couldn’t meet up in person without it being in a bar, and eventually when I would set boundaries I would receive aggressive and abusive text messages, I had opened the door but that father/son relationship that I longed for was still nowhere to be seen, alcohol still called the shots.
It was a September Friday evening, 1am and I received a phone call, luckily I hadn’t been drinking, I had felt soo tired after work that I went straight to bed after dinner, but I awoke with a jump, no one calls this late unless it was an emergency, and it was, my dad had been rushed to intensive care, he had suffered a minor stroke, I arrived at his bedside, he was soo unaware of his surroundings, as I signed the next of kin forms the nurse said his blood pressure was soo high that normally a patient would be dead with his numbers, and I jokingly said stubbornness runs in the family, I would have said anything to break to the atmosphere.
Night after night I travelled from work to visit him, I would get home at 11pm, straight to bed and back up for work at 7am, I became exhausted, my mum started to comment on my weight lose as I wasn’t eating and loosing soo much weight, and many would say why did I bother? And my reply still is I cared, he was my dad, as next of kin he had no one else, and I did what I thought was right.
It was 11.30am, I’ll never forget it, I was up to my eyes at work, one of those day when there’s soo much to do and not enough time to do it, my manager called me on my extension number, and I answered, the phone went quiet, and then she said a call just came through from the hospital, it was a nurse, and she says you “need to get here right now”, and I can’t thank her enough because she basically said, “go, right now, you need to be there”, and soo I did, but on the 1hr drive to the hospital my dad passed away, alone, of liver failure, due to alcoholism, I reached the hospital and didn’t leave for 2 days, by then I knew the nurses by name, I can’t thank them enough, because I didn’t know where I was, or what I was doing as next of kin, they kept me right and when it was all said and done a few weeks later I sent them a card and a box of chocolates to say thank you.
My dad was brought home from the hospital and had a traditional Catholic wake, I stayed up for what felt like a decade, but it was only 3 nights, I was alone, my sister didn’t attend the funeral, my mum attended the funeral service but nothing more, it really made me think and become resentful of the traditional family structure, where was it?
In the end as he was laid to rest, I remember thinking, was I best son I could be? And I thought I was, alcoholism is a disease, no one could have changed my dad’s ways only him, and I found piece in that, I did my best and if that still meant the death of my father, then so be it, addiction is the individual’s responsibility, and no one else’s and no one should feel guilty over the fact someone did not change their ways.
My dad was a good man, I say this after all these years, he was a shocking father, but as a human being he did his best, alcohol was an addiction as it was my addiction too, and so I can look at the situation with empathy and understanding, take out the addiction of alcohol and the story would have been different.
The first few years after his passing I went to his grave and then drank the day away, but not anymore, if nothing else I’ve gotten Sober for me, but I also can’t help feel like I’ve gotten Sober from him also, I sometimes imagine that he’s looking down thinking and looking forward to the day that we’ll both meet again, and with outstretched hands, have a handshake and I’ll say “It’s good to see you dad” and he’ll say “it’s good to see you son”!!
Thanks for listening!!
PK
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Thank you Purple Knight.
Both of my parents died young, because of alcoholism's toll on the body. They both had quit drinking a few years before they passed though.
I am sure your dad would want your sobriety for you, more than anything in the world.
Both of my parents died young, because of alcoholism's toll on the body. They both had quit drinking a few years before they passed though.
I am sure your dad would want your sobriety for you, more than anything in the world.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Hi PK, your courage is remarkable. Thanks for writing your story out and always being such a supportive voice and friend.
May I ask you a question? Your appraisal that your dad was a good man and "as a human being he did his best" is beautiful and full of grace. Have you generally always felt this way regarding your dad or was there an evolution of feelings? Has Al Anon helped most with this or was it a sort of natural process?
Thanks PK. That was beautiful to read.
May I ask you a question? Your appraisal that your dad was a good man and "as a human being he did his best" is beautiful and full of grace. Have you generally always felt this way regarding your dad or was there an evolution of feelings? Has Al Anon helped most with this or was it a sort of natural process?
Thanks PK. That was beautiful to read.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Originally Posted by Verte 
May I ask you a question? Your appraisal that your dad was a good man and "as a human being he did his best" is beautiful and full of grace. Have you generally always felt this way regarding your dad or was there an evolution of feelings? Has Al Anon helped most with this or was it a sort of natural process?
In the beginning I had a lot of anger, how could someone ruin a family like that? Plenty of I never want to talk to him again type feelings in my teens, and to be honest Al-anon and Alateen both didn’t do much for those feelings, they are both great places of support, I’d always recommend them to anyone, but many of the meetings were simply full of people feeling like I did, and sometimes even worse, the wives or kids that had been violently abused or assaulted by their spouse/father, but knowing there were people that felt the same way was comforting.
My early 20s became all about a yearning for some kind of father/son relationship, in my foolish naivety I thought it could be rekindled, only to later realize that ship had sailed, and I came to the realisation that at best some kind of loose friendship/acquaintance would be the best I could achieve, and this made me even more angry and frustrated, the thoughts of what an awful father my dad really was, letting his son grow up and failing to even keep some contact was shocking, I still think he was an awful father, and more gut wrenching is the reality that if I hadn’t have made that call that Sunday afternoon, would he have one day? I’m unconvinced and that is very hurtful indeed.
It wasn’t until I hit my late 20s that I finally got it, my dad was married at the age of 25yrs old and he had his first child at 27yrs, and his second at 30yrs old, that crazy thing when you reach certain ages and wonder what were your parents doing at this same age, it opened my eyes and got me thinking, that my dad just couldn’t handle or deal with it, going out with the guys at the weekend, it all came to an end, he was married, had two kids, responsibilities, and I think he cracked, turned to alcohol and knowing from my own addiction, it was a downward spiral from there.
What I lacked in my teenage years that I gained by the age of 30 was some empathy, and it’s been reinforced since I myself have looked through the lens of alcoholism, addiction is a real thing and I guess the grace and acceptance that I have genuinely found here on SR has not only touched me, taught me that by turning my life around, my addiction can be detached from the new chapter I’m trying to write moving forward.
I also got to spend some time with my dad before his death, I shared this story before, but it’s fitting, my dad when I would visit was always showing me photographs of days gone by, and I guess that’s how I started to think about my dad in his 20s, in his 30s, he’d have old postcards from holidays, tell me about his eduction, the qualifications he achieved, it really felt like he was trying to let me in, pass something on in the only awkward way he knew how to.
There was a chess set that he bought in Spain, before I was even born, 1980, hand carved, the pieces were magnificent, polished, the workmanship was immense, but it was kept in a drawer in our house, and then my dad took it with him when my parents got divorced, no one was allowed to play on it, a prized possession in my dad’s eyes.
My dad taught me how to play when I was 6yrs old, one of my earliest memories, he would win over and over, he was a great player, but I went on to play at school, and then college, eventually making the college team to play other universities, again something my dad never got to share in, if he had only have been around as a dad.
A few months before his death, I was visiting his bedside every night after work, I’d make the 1hr drive and stay until the nurses would kick me out, I felt it was my duty as next of kin to be there, and this one night I brought the chess board, he protested at first, but I said we’re gonna have a game and we’re gonna make it special, the nurses were flexible with time, I guess they didn’t have to do much if I was willing to stay well into the night, the game lasted the best part of a week, and in the end it was a DRAW, and that chess board I have in my house, we have a local chess competition each year in my local community, and I bring it for the final, there is no more fitting board to play on than my dad's chess board!!
Ask the 16yr old me and I will talk of anger, ask the 20yr old me and I’ll talk of giving things ago, plenty of blind enthusiasm, late 20s brings a realization of what pressure my dad my have been under and by 30 I fully realized what addiction myself was all about.
We can't change anything, all we can do is the best in the situation, find some peace for ourselves, cling onto something, anything that means we can move on with our own lives, what’s the alternative? Deal with that initial anger for the next 50yrs? Addiction is a cruel thing, but we have to realize we couldn’t have done anymore, and addiction when it becomes very real in someone’s life stops becoming a choice, it becomes an inevitable downward spiral, and the hurtful thing can be why didn’t they stop? Why didn’t they want to change? . . . But sometimes that’s the way it is, some don’t make it back.
Some day soon, myself and my dad, we’ll pull that chessboard out for a second time and have a rematch, a rematch that we’ll have all of eternity to play, and maybe I'll finally beat him, and maybe I won't!!
Thanks for listening friends!!
PK
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
PK, I think that your posts on this thread are are some of the best I've read on SR, and not only because all these bittersweet feelings about fathers resonate with me. What I relate to even more is the introspective depth and the breadth how you view and describe your experience. How you have learned from your experience. Beautiful, wise words -- thank you 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey Guys,
Feeling incredibly humbled that you all took the time to read and comment on my posts, for me just having a space to write out my thoughts and organise things in my own head has been invaluable.
Thanks for taking the time!!
Feeling incredibly humbled that you all took the time to read and comment on my posts, for me just having a space to write out my thoughts and organise things in my own head has been invaluable.
Thanks for taking the time!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
Tears in my eyes. Thank you for sharing.
You asked yourself "was I the best son I could be?" Of course you were and so much more. You were an innocent victim as a young child yet through the years you found the courage and love within yourself needed to survive, rebuild and forgive. Inspirational.
You asked yourself "was I the best son I could be?" Of course you were and so much more. You were an innocent victim as a young child yet through the years you found the courage and love within yourself needed to survive, rebuild and forgive. Inspirational.
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