Wondering how to help my sister
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Dublin
Posts: 2
Wondering how to help my sister
Hi there. This is my first time using a site like this... so I'm hopeful to get some feedback on what to do about my sister... She has been abusing alcohol for a few years, but it has become quite bad lately and she is no longer trying to hide it. She's 35 and has recently moved back in with my parents in the US. She left her job and has an anxiety disorder, which she has been pretty much under control for over a year. I live in Dublin and have no idea how to help... mostly I want to support/help my parents. They are at their wits end. My sister lives with them, drinks openly, and leaves for days at a time without letting them know if she's safe, or even alive. About a month ago, she admitted to them that she needs help and found AA meetings to attend near my parents' house. But a few days ago, she said she never told them she would be giving up alcohol... they don't know what else to do. They've tried being supportive, being firm, tough love, saying she needs to think about moving out... the lot. They are the nicest people on the planet and I am so angry with her for treating them like this and making them so worried all the time. My dad had a bad panic attack because of all this, which landed him in the hospital. My sister ignores all of my calls and messages... even when I try and just write something light or funny, just to get her to write me back. Since I live in a different country, I feel so helpless and removed from the situation.
My parents have said part of them wants her to move out - but they are afraid for her because she's not working and if she does move out, she would not contact them to let them know how things are going.
I would really appreciate some feedback or advice... I feel really alone in this and really ill equipped to deal with it or offer my parents any advice... Thanks.
My parents have said part of them wants her to move out - but they are afraid for her because she's not working and if she does move out, she would not contact them to let them know how things are going.
I would really appreciate some feedback or advice... I feel really alone in this and really ill equipped to deal with it or offer my parents any advice... Thanks.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, sister--glad you found us here. Unfortunately, there isn't much you or your parents can do to influence the direction your sister takes regarding her drinking. She is an adult and will make her own decisions, however poor they may be. Anything you or your folks do to try to control or "help" her is not likely to do any good in the end.
Have you had a chance to read around the site a bit? That's a good place to start. Make sure you don't miss the stickied posts at the top of the page. There's a lot of useful info there. This might be a good one to start with: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You and your parents might both benefit from Alanon meetings, and I'd suggest looking into that, as a source of both support and education about alcoholism.
Again, welcome to SR, and while you may feel ill-equipped to deal w/the situation, you are not alone...
Have you had a chance to read around the site a bit? That's a good place to start. Make sure you don't miss the stickied posts at the top of the page. There's a lot of useful info there. This might be a good one to start with: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You and your parents might both benefit from Alanon meetings, and I'd suggest looking into that, as a source of both support and education about alcoholism.
Again, welcome to SR, and while you may feel ill-equipped to deal w/the situation, you are not alone...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by sistersister123 
Hi there. This is my first time using a site like this... so I'm hopeful to get some feedback on what to do about my sister... She has been abusing alcohol for a few years, but it has become quite bad lately and she is no longer trying to hide it. She's 35 and has recently moved back in with my parents in the US. She left her job and has an anxiety disorder, which she has been pretty much under control for over a year. I live in Dublin and have no idea how to help... mostly I want to support/help my parents. They are at their wits end. My sister lives with them, drinks openly, and leaves for days at a time without letting them know if she's safe, or even alive. About a month ago, she admitted to them that she needs help and found AA meetings to attend near my parents' house. But a few days ago, she said she never told them she would be giving up alcohol... they don't know what else to do. They've tried being supportive, being firm, tough love, saying she needs to think about moving out... the lot. They are the nicest people on the planet and I am so angry with her for treating them like this and making them so worried all the time. My dad had a bad panic attack because of all this, which landed him in the hospital. My sister ignores all of my calls and messages... even when I try and just write something light or funny, just to get her to write me back. Since I live in a different country, I feel so helpless and removed from the situation.
My parents have said part of them wants her to move out - but they are afraid for her because she's not working and if she does move out, she would not contact them to let them know how things are going.
I would really appreciate some feedback or advice... I feel really alone in this and really ill equipped to deal with it or offer my parents any advice... Thanks.
My parents have said part of them wants her to move out - but they are afraid for her because she's not working and if she does move out, she would not contact them to let them know how things are going.
I would really appreciate some feedback or advice... I feel really alone in this and really ill equipped to deal with it or offer my parents any advice... Thanks.
Wish I could.
It sounds like your sister has shut down. She needs a doctor with healing in his hands.
BeWell
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
It's likely your sister knows where to go for help and is very capable of going there.
She needs time and space to heal. These things don't happen overnight.
She needs people who don't leave her all the time.
There is nothing you can do right now.
If I were you, I would get myself lined up with God in the right way.
She needs time and space to heal. These things don't happen overnight.
She needs people who don't leave her all the time.
There is nothing you can do right now.
If I were you, I would get myself lined up with God in the right way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
She needs people who do not turn away, but when they do, they come back. And when they come back, they don't shove a bunch of dirt in her face- cannot wait to tell her that they are leaving again and never coming back and who they connected with and will connect with again. Who don't make promises they can't keep. Who can deal with and own the TRUTH, even when the truth is not PRETTY! Who don't condemn souls to hell for being lessor mortals.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sistersister.....this sound like your parents are going through a parents' worst nightmare. (so is your sister....and, she will have to come to the realization that she needs to become sober and recover).
Of course, your parents are enabling her....without realizing it...and, with good intentions. Your sister will never get sober l iving in her parent's house.
If there is AA close by, then, there is likely alanon. Your parents would benefit from attending alanon. They would get validation and emotional support.
I'll bet they know absolutely nothing about the nature of alcoholism (who does until they have to).
Perhaps you could sent them...or direct them to some reading material that could help them understand what is going on, better.
Their suffering and sacrifice will do absolutely nothing to help your sister.
They probably don't even "know" that.
I empathize with your situation....and how helpless you must feel, right now.
You can still help them....by trying to direct them in the right direction....
dandylion
Of course, your parents are enabling her....without realizing it...and, with good intentions. Your sister will never get sober l iving in her parent's house.
If there is AA close by, then, there is likely alanon. Your parents would benefit from attending alanon. They would get validation and emotional support.
I'll bet they know absolutely nothing about the nature of alcoholism (who does until they have to).
Perhaps you could sent them...or direct them to some reading material that could help them understand what is going on, better.
Their suffering and sacrifice will do absolutely nothing to help your sister.
They probably don't even "know" that.
I empathize with your situation....and how helpless you must feel, right now.
You can still help them....by trying to direct them in the right direction....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
She needs people who do not turn away, but when they do, they come back. And when they come back, they don't shove a bunch of dirt in her face- cannot wait to tell her that they are leaving again and never coming back and who they connected with and will connect with again. Who don't make promises they can't keep. Who can deal with and own the TRUTH, even when the truth is not PRETTY! Who don't condemn souls to hell for being lessor mortals.
Anyway Sister - I am sorry for what you are going through. This is a very tough situation for your family. i am sure your parents feel a range of emotions from wanting her out of their life creating chaos to desperation at the thought of her being gone and not knowing what she is doing.
I too suggest Al Anon for your parents and for you. This would really help to guide them. As Dandy pointed out they are enabling your sister though it may not seem like it - accepting unacceptable behavior and living in chaos is detrimental to them and HER. Al Anon would help them in establishing boundaries with your sister which would be helpful to all.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I am so sorry for your situation with your sister. It is so hard to have a loved one gripped by alcoholism, and it is compounded for you when you are so far from home and your parents are left to deal with her.
You might get your parents a copy of Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is the "go-to" book for what it means to enable an alcoholic/addict, and what better approaches are. Just reading it will give them a powerful insight into what addiction is and does to a person, and some real choices about their approach.
Alanon and many on SoberRecovery often say to newcomers, (and it is very very true though very hard to truly believe at first) about alcoholism:
You didn't cause it:
You can't control it; and
You can't cure it.
I think most of us who are around SoberRecovery for a long time because of alcoholic loved ones in our lives finally come to accept that each person has the right to choose their own lifepath, even if we think it is harmful and dangerous. And as a corollary, we have the right and the responsibility to choose our own lifepaths so that we live healthy happy lives despite our alcoholics' choices.
There is a thread today about Compassion that is very powerful; you might want to read it and share it with you parents.
We're here for you, and your parents are also welcome to join this team of people devastated by their loved one's alcoholism.
ShootingStar1
You might get your parents a copy of Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is the "go-to" book for what it means to enable an alcoholic/addict, and what better approaches are. Just reading it will give them a powerful insight into what addiction is and does to a person, and some real choices about their approach.
Alanon and many on SoberRecovery often say to newcomers, (and it is very very true though very hard to truly believe at first) about alcoholism:
You didn't cause it:
You can't control it; and
You can't cure it.
I think most of us who are around SoberRecovery for a long time because of alcoholic loved ones in our lives finally come to accept that each person has the right to choose their own lifepath, even if we think it is harmful and dangerous. And as a corollary, we have the right and the responsibility to choose our own lifepaths so that we live healthy happy lives despite our alcoholics' choices.
There is a thread today about Compassion that is very powerful; you might want to read it and share it with you parents.
We're here for you, and your parents are also welcome to join this team of people devastated by their loved one's alcoholism.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Teatree, from looking at your past posts, it appears that you are an alcoholic now newly sober. I would imagine that your posts here to Sistersister come from your perspective as someone struggling to move out of alcoholism into recovery.
I humbly suggest that it may not be time yet for you to give advice to those of us who are living with alcoholics.
As part of my recovery from being a co-dependent partner with my then alcoholic husband of 20 years, I came to realize that I had unwittingly played a part in his alcoholism by protecting him, picking up after him, and always being there despite what he did. He had no motivation to confront his alcoholism because, due to me, he had an easy berth and no consequences.
As I looked at my own behavior over the past three years since our marriage ended, I realized that it was not my business to dictate to someone else how he must live, despite my belief that his alcoholism was destructive to him and me.
We all must face consequences of our choices and our behavior. We all are accountable for ourselves and what we do.
When you write:
She needs people who do not turn away, but when they do, they come back. And when they come back, they don't shove a bunch of dirt in her face- cannot wait to tell her that they are leaving again and never coming back and who they connected with and will connect with again. Who don't make promises they can't keep. Who can deal with and own the TRUTH, even when the truth is not PRETTY! Who don't condemn souls to hell for being lessor mortals.
it suggest to me that you have been treated this way yourself, and I am sorry for the condemnation you have received from those you needed. It would have been much better if they could have let you feel the consequences of your behavior with love, not with hate.
That doesn't mean that anyone has to come back everytime. We all have to choose our own paths based on what is healthy for us and those we leave, and that gives each of us the right to set boundaries about what behavior in others we can and cannot live with.
I like the post today about compassion that makes the profound distinction between compassion and collusion.
Wish you well in your recovery, and I believe you'll find a lot of support and compassion here on SoberRecovery.
ShootingStar1
I humbly suggest that it may not be time yet for you to give advice to those of us who are living with alcoholics.
As part of my recovery from being a co-dependent partner with my then alcoholic husband of 20 years, I came to realize that I had unwittingly played a part in his alcoholism by protecting him, picking up after him, and always being there despite what he did. He had no motivation to confront his alcoholism because, due to me, he had an easy berth and no consequences.
As I looked at my own behavior over the past three years since our marriage ended, I realized that it was not my business to dictate to someone else how he must live, despite my belief that his alcoholism was destructive to him and me.
We all must face consequences of our choices and our behavior. We all are accountable for ourselves and what we do.
When you write:
She needs people who do not turn away, but when they do, they come back. And when they come back, they don't shove a bunch of dirt in her face- cannot wait to tell her that they are leaving again and never coming back and who they connected with and will connect with again. Who don't make promises they can't keep. Who can deal with and own the TRUTH, even when the truth is not PRETTY! Who don't condemn souls to hell for being lessor mortals.
it suggest to me that you have been treated this way yourself, and I am sorry for the condemnation you have received from those you needed. It would have been much better if they could have let you feel the consequences of your behavior with love, not with hate.
That doesn't mean that anyone has to come back everytime. We all have to choose our own paths based on what is healthy for us and those we leave, and that gives each of us the right to set boundaries about what behavior in others we can and cannot live with.
I like the post today about compassion that makes the profound distinction between compassion and collusion.
Wish you well in your recovery, and I believe you'll find a lot of support and compassion here on SoberRecovery.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: MN
Posts: 49
Been thru all of the same you have, with a 47 yr old sister, moved into parents home and RULED them. Her alcoholism damn near ripped us(other sibs, grandchildren) apart as we tried to get her into treatment program. My Mom was the epitome of codependant and thought that if she just love my sister more, she would quit drinking. Her drinking spiraled, she drove drunk all the time, became a hermit, would bring strange men home into my elderly parents home, continued to smoke in their home even after my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and had oxygen in the home. A week before my Mom passed, my sister asked me to bring her to detox and then to a sober living place, I think that the guilt had got to her. Well, that failed and she got kicked out and ended up in a motel. Her daughter lined up yet ANOTHER treatment program for her which my Dad paid for to the tune of $3000 for 28 days. She is in another sober living home, but has been drinking, her roomates don't like her, she hasn't been following AA or anything, been seeing men who will take her drinking. , 1st visit since Mom died, and She is back at my Dad's for the wkend and I told him that she is there for a reason, money or a car... She will manipulate him into something, I'm sure. Oh, had her new boyfriend bring her up there. I cut all contact with her after her first failed attempt at sober living, I was mentally unable to deal with the situation any longer. Looking back now, it was the best decision I could make, I revert into a vengeful babysitter when I see her. I don't do her any good, and she certainly doesn't contribute any good to my mental health. I do go to Al anon some, and got a therapist for a while which helped sooooo much. Don't know what help I can give you other than to let you know that your sister will do and say ANYTHING so keep your parents locked in her control. Prayers and love to you, you are NOT alone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Dublin
Posts: 2
Thank you so much for your words, honeypig, dandylion, ShootingStar1, redatlanta and sadsister62. I am very new but am trying to read as much as I can, and I really appreciate the direction. I have found an Al Anon meeting very close to my parents house and they are nervous but grateful to have somewhere to go and receive support.
We don't know anything about the nature of alcoholism, but are trying to get as much information as we can. My parents do not want to be enablers, do not want to turn their backs on her, they only want to help... I think they will benefit a lot from Al Anon and receiving information about setting boundaries. Our family has always been close and incredibly loving... there is no "dirt in her face," teatreeoil007 - I'm sorry this was your situation, but it is not my sisters'. We may be naive about this issue, but we are not cruel nor cold... Just a family who is hurting and confused and desperate that our sister and daughter wants to turn things around for herself.
I think we are all just really worried... and a bit scared... we still don't know where she is, she's not working so she doesn't really have any money. She has been gone for 4 days now and no word. She has hurt us all so deeply, but there is always love.
Thank you for letting me know I am not alone... I really have found a lot of support here and I am so appreciative of you all taking the time to write.
We don't know anything about the nature of alcoholism, but are trying to get as much information as we can. My parents do not want to be enablers, do not want to turn their backs on her, they only want to help... I think they will benefit a lot from Al Anon and receiving information about setting boundaries. Our family has always been close and incredibly loving... there is no "dirt in her face," teatreeoil007 - I'm sorry this was your situation, but it is not my sisters'. We may be naive about this issue, but we are not cruel nor cold... Just a family who is hurting and confused and desperate that our sister and daughter wants to turn things around for herself.
I think we are all just really worried... and a bit scared... we still don't know where she is, she's not working so she doesn't really have any money. She has been gone for 4 days now and no word. She has hurt us all so deeply, but there is always love.
Thank you for letting me know I am not alone... I really have found a lot of support here and I am so appreciative of you all taking the time to write.
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