Zircon

Just me again. Not sure how to start this, but my ah is drinking in the basement. Has been talking on the phone for close to 3 hrs. He actually almost fell down the basement stairs a few minutes ago. I told him 3 yrs ago, just before he got on the phone when dinner would be ready. Well we hadn't started his heavy drinking then. Dinner has been sitting there for almost an hr. Don't know why I bother!! I think I'm trying to keep some normalcy in my life. I don't understand why the people he talks to continue to listen?? After falling down the stairs, he's yelling at the person on the phone. I supposed it better he's yelling at them and not me!! Is lack of respect a part of the illness?? He has no regard for anyone else but himself and his own needs. Again another wasted lonely evening. I have an appt with a lawyer. I am still torn. He has always been a fair and reasonable man. I'm finding my ah, behavior is lasting longer now. His periods of who he used to be are getting less and less. Thank you for listening. I'm alone and just needed to talk.

SparkleKitty

So what is something you can do for yourself, right now, tonight? Something that has nothing to do with him and isn't at all affected by whatever he chooses to do. Something you enjoy?

Zircon

I am making a quilt for my niece. I'll start working on it. He's still down in the basement. He just slammed the door and the whole house shook. Not sure where he is, and frankly don't care. I was hoping he'd take his car, because I would then call the police. He's already fallen down some of the basement stairs. Again no respect for me. I think this might do it for me.

teatreeoil007

I just finished reading a book called "Unhooked"...written by Psychologists who are addiction specialists. In it he states that a very high majority of addicts are also narcissists. It's all about them and if you do any research or reading up on narcissists they have a difficult time respecting others. Many of them have a God -complex and huge inflated egos. BUT, underneath all that exterior 'stuff' it is theorized that they are actually fragile, needy human beings.

HHTexas

Many of them have a God -complex and huge inflated egos. BUT, underneath all that exterior 'stuff' it is theorized that they are actually fragile, needy human beings.

Lol.... I know this wasn't meant to be funny but made me chuckle. So freakin true!!

FeelingGreat

Zircon, what an awful person he's being at the moment, disrespectful and bullying. I hope you didn't leave his dinner out for him to come whenever he feels like it, because you're right, he has no respect. He seems to be drinking pretty continuously now, which doesn't give you a hopeful feeling about the business succeeding.
He's also feeding your feelings of inadequacy, which are not valid but are your danger area.
I suggest you keep the lawyer's appointment. You don't have to go through with anything, but you will be taking a bit of power back into your own hands and you need to feel like you're not helpless any more.

Lilro

He has no respect for himself, how's he going to have it for you or anyone else?

Zircon

This is how my night went! My ah came up from the basement, could barely walk. Went out on our porch and passed out for roughly 3hrs. I went to bed, took 2 of my puppies, left the other one in the living room. He came in the bedroom a few hours later, bumping into things. I said nothing. He was continually talking under his breath. Once all was settled, I used my flashlight to be sure dog 3 was in her bed. My ah asked me what I was doing?? Told him being sure dog is in her bed. Ah started his stuff. Told me I should know where the dog is. I tried to explain, that I knew she was in the house, but hadn't been in her bed, was just checking. Ah started yelling at me that this wasn't working, we don't get along anymore. Also that he didn't thing I would do a good job in the business, and a few our things. I remained silent through it all. Ah proceeded to get out of bed, tell me I make him sick., ah went and slept on the sofa.
This morning, I have told him we need to talk about things. I can no longer watch him destroy himself. He's watching movies, and is telling me not right now. I stated again A HUGE LACK OF RESPECT FOR ME!!! My ah disagrees that it isn't a lack of respect. I pointed out he had the time to talk with his friends most of the night, not eat dinner, but no time for me !!! I don't think this is gonna go well today. I'm sick of being a dish rag?? Thanks for all your help and support. I frankly think my ah is still hungover.

dandylion

Zircon.....he most likely is hung over. It is fruitless to ever try to have a conversation or co-operation with someone who is drunk. Especially when they are verrry drunk. Besides that...they won't remember most of what was said, anyway.
Even sober, an alcoholic who is spiriling into their disease is hard to reason with. It is a disease of the thinking....alcoholic thinking...and it doesn't go away with a zero blood alcohol level. It can be changed by total abstainence and dogged working on the alcoholic thinking, and attitudes, That takes time and commitment and hard work. The person has to want it bad.

There is a lot to learn about the nature of this disease.....lol!.....most people are in the dark, until they have to learn.....

Zircon, this is pretty much standard behavior from a fairly advanced alcoholic who is still in deep denial. You will see this described th ousands of times in the stories on this forum....yes, there are thousands here!
They will deny, lay blame on everyone else, and disrespect the very ones who have been closest to them......
You are having the expectations that o ne would have of a normal person....from a person who is not even in charge of their own mind.

It will be up to you to decide how much you can live with.....

If you go to the sticky, at the top of the main page----and read through the postings called "Classic Readings".....you will find a sort of "bootcamp" knowledge on alcoholism. Who knew?....lol.....

I agree to see the lawyer, also. It is helpful to, at least, know your rights....

dandylion

healthyagain

Yes, I would say they do totally lack respect. But, this lack of respect first start as small acts of disrespect, we do not notice. Then these acts get more and more obvious, they start hitting our boundaries.

After I moved out, I specifically stressed to my ex: "Do not come to my place after you drink. Not even one drop. I have never been so disrespected in my life!"

Guess what he kept on doing? So, that boundary had to stay. He showed a total lack of respect + apparently taking me for an idiot. I was shocked, but I also had a plan. And this was the last drop . . . coming to my new place drunk, and I moved out because of you being drunk? And that's when I filed for divorce.

jjj111

When you're really done, there will be no need to convince him that you're done or that he's acting like a jerk. You will just be done. You'll see a lawyer and start making a plan, and his reaction will be his problem.

atalose

That’s just it, there really is no normal in a home with an active alcoholic. The only thing that becomes normal is dysfunctional thinking and dysfunctional behavior on everyone’s part.

Sitting and watching them, hearing them, listening to them is like witnessing a car wreck over and over and over again.

Al-anon teaches us how to detach from their behaviors and to put the focus on us and our lives.

Rather than witnessing him drunk on the phone in the basement, hearing him talk on the phone for 3 hours and falling on the stairs – what can you do to fill your time where the focus is on you???? Can you leave the house, visit a friend, go to a movie check out an al-anon meeting, sign up for a class – something to take your focus off of him and what he is doing.

He’s doing what alcoholics do, acting as alcoholic’s act which includes disrespecting those around them as well as themselves.

His disease is progressing and so will his behaviors and attitudes. Doesn’t look like he’s going to change anytime soon so that leaves you to make some needed changes in your life!

In active alcoholism there really is no “good time” to try and have a “normal” talk with them. An alcoholic saturated brain is never “sober” until they have abstained for a long period of time. Just because they have not consumed alcohol yet that day doesn’t mean we are talking to a sober thinking person.

Focus on you and what you want out of life which does not include him having to do anything for YOUR peace and happiness.

SparkleKitty

Zircon, you are not going to ever get him to admit that you are Right. If you can let go of needing to win this argument, you can start to find some peace in your life.

This is who he is right now. Learning to accept that and make your choices accordingly will save you a lot of frustrated surprise that he is continuing to behave this way.