BeenGrand

I'm still figuring this out. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting and really appreciated all of the support that I received there. I plan to go weekly as my schedule allows. I feel relieved to be out finding support and finally start DOING something instead of playing as if everything is fine.

My husband doesn't appear to have been drinking since Labor Day. He's never appeared drunk to me before, but I've always been able to smell it on him until now. I'm thankful for this and have not talked about it much with him. He's in denial that he has a problem, yet he's been taking care not to drink around me and the kids. I'm not sure what that means, but I appreciate it.

We just received an invite to celebrate a friend's 40th birthday at a local brewery. I'd really like to go, but I haven't yet brought it up to my husband. I'm nervous about asking him if he wants to go to a place that was built for the consumption of beer. Our friends have no idea of my concern for his drinking, and I'm sure he doesn't want it broadcast to them. My fear is that when he gets there he will want to drink a beer or two with friends, especially since he doesn't believe that he has a problem. I don't know where that will lead, but I'm afraid that if he does drink there, he'll go back to thinking that casual drinking is fine, and then the cycle will begin again with him drinking more, and hiding it from me.

As I read back over this, I'm seeing me trying to control his drinking. As I said, I'm new to this. I wonder if I just put the invite out there to him as any "normal" wife would do, and then let the chips fall where they may? It's so hard to do, especially since I feel that we now have some sort of fragile order and trust appearing back in our marriage.

How do you deal with social situations, especially ones where drinking is a big part of it?

Thanks, BG

Liveitwell

You could choose not to go. No matter what you do or do not do your husband is going to still be an alcoholic-or not-that is HIS choice. As an alcoholic he will have to face the choice to drink a million times a day-not just at a friends party. If it were me, I would choose to make other plans. And yes, btdt.

biminiblue

Maybe he won't want to go. Or maybe he will go and not drink, I do it all the time, and I'm an alcoholic.

Don't borrow trouble. This falls into the "what if" category and hasn't even happened yet. Be in today.

FeelingGreat

Hi BG, where do you think he's at with sobriety? Has he said his intention is never to drink again, or is he on a temporary break?
When I stopped drinking I avoided alcohol based social events for a few months, but I was committed to sobriety, and not under the impression that I could have a couple of beers.
One possibility is to tell him how much you appreciate his efforts and you're afraid the invitation would start him drinking again. See what he says. I do understand that you're walking on eggshells here, not wanting to set him off.

Hawkeye13

You are right that it's controlling
but you are also right it could trigger him to think a more "public" consumption is OK with you from now on,
especially if he manages to "control" it at the party
as it reinforces his "I don't have a problem, you do" myth.
He will do what he wants without worrying what you think, I expect.

It's no way to live, is it?

sg1970

Life might be easier if you talked to him and tried to find out where he stands. One of your paragraphs makes it sound as if you don't think he has even quit yet. If he hasn't quit yet you might as well go.

redatlanta

He's in denial that he has a problem, yet he's been taking care not to drink around me and the kids.

Its nice that he isn't drinking around you, but since he is in denial that he has a problem I wouldn't count on that lasting.

Here is how i would handle it.....The invitation is to you both I believe? Then would let him know. I would have a discussion about whether he intends to drink and if so I would choose not to attend with him. If your husband is committed to not drinking he should be able to figure out whether its "safe" to go or whether he should skip it. Since he is in denial that he has a problem I wouldn't count on him choosing not to drink, or choosing to not go, but who knows maybe he will.

It is controlling to not tell him about the invite. It is controlling to go an monitor his consumption, or make agreements about how much he will consume. It is not controlling to decide not to go if he drinks. Its also not controlling to ask him to go to a hotel if he chooses to drink, or to go to one yourself with the kids.

When white knuckling the period of abstinence often times becomes "proof" they are not alcoholics (because the mind set is an alcoholic cannot quit drinking!). If not this invite sooner or later you will be presented with another situation, another party, another wedding, or other celebration. Inclination is to avoid and I get that, but it doesn't work in the long run.

NYCDoglvr

Nooooooo. Never take an alcoholic to a place where the sole reason for being there is drinking. That's telling him it's ok for him to drink in front of you!

unsureoffuture

A few things. You mention he's in denial about his problem and has decided not to drink around you and the kids that you know of. That's great that he has decided to "cut back" but that is not a cure for his problem. Alcoholics are rarely successful at modifying consumption long term. It will not go away and it will likely resurface very soon. Ask yourself, is the reason he has stopped drinking around you so that he doesn't have to hear the nagging and protect his addiction or because he really truly embraces the harm its doing to his family and is willing to do whatever it takes to rectify that? You should see where he stands. Only he knows if he is truly ready to quit drinking forever.

Secondly you can't control his drinking as you know. He's going to drink if he's going to drink. The world is filled with alcoholic temptations on every corner. Without any formal treatment or coping skills I wouldn't bring him directly to place where alcohol is the primary focus. If he was receiving any treatment I would consider it because they would give him tools an encouragement to stay sober. Right now, it sounds like he is just trying to prove to you he doesn't have a problem. Clearly he does or you wouldn't be here and attending Alanon. Good luck in whatever you decide. I've been there.

atalose

If this is true and you are working on trust then you need to be honest with him about your concerns in attending this type of event with him at this point in time.

teatreeoil007

bg-He is your husband and I'm sure he loves you very much...so no need to be nervous about asking him anything. (smile).

I am the daughter, niece, sister, aunt, and granddaughter of alcoholics. That means, my dad, my aunts and uncles, some nieces and nephews, my sisters, and my grandfather all were/are alcoholics. I've drank before, but it's never been something I had to have or craved and when I would NOT drink NEVER experienced any withdrawls.

However, I have a personal and spiritual conviction now that I shouldn't be drinking at all not only for health reasons, but also for my soul. I don't judge others who drink. I just try to love them, but not love what they do and not enable them.

There drinking has given me so much heartache and grief! One year at a 4th of July family function my niece almost died of alcohol poisoning. I saved her life! And didn't even get thanked for it.

Me and my husband have decided that we would prefer NOT to attend functions where there is going to be alcohol. For this reason, we skipped the annual family reunion because last year, things didn't go so well...it's painful for sure to watch your loved ones ruin their relationships with alcohol.

As for your husband not drinking around you: maybe it's out of respect. And maybe it is out of fear of you finding out and rejecting him. If I personally know someone is opposed to alcohol, I sure wouldn't serve it to them or drink it around them,

I cannot recommend what you should do with the invite. But he is your husband and there is no need to be nervous about it. Good luck and take care.