Kafkaesque

I haven't been on here as much because I've been so focused on AA. I go to 4-6 meetings every week, I meet with my sponsor once a week, and hey I even started going to therapy! I feel happier and more positive than ever before... I stay true to my commitments, I hold myself accountable, and I've stopped looking at life as such a negative thing and started to see how wonderful it can be.

I have been sober now for about 2.5 months. It's been great but it seems like every day I get happier and more positive, my husband hates me more and more. We've always had a great relationship and he hated my drinking but accepted it meanwhile encouraging me to get sober. This past time he didn't encourage me at all it was 100% my decision and I think that made a huge difference. But now that I'm helping with the chores, not spending money irrationally, being healthy, treating him well, and staying sober without obsessing over it he is just plain old mean to me.

I've read about codependency and to be honest, I think I'm more codependent on him for my identity and etc. But I don't have any experience with it so I could totally be wrong. He's just... Attacking me for every single thing, saying that one insult I said 1 month ago is what caused him to be angry this long... No, it's that I have so many issues and not enough will power.... Or my over sharing ... It's just really hurting my feelings.

You guys, what am I doing wrong? We've only been married a few years and we've always been happy. I thought now that I was sober and a positive and happy person, we'd be even happier as a couple... But now I'm sleeping in the guest bedroom with our cats wondering what I did wrong.

Dee74

I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all kafkaesque - but when one partner changes their life in a major way, it may scare the other partner.

Fear's a powerful emotion.

It doesn't give your partner the right to be a jerk tho.

Have you two talked much about the changes you're making and why?

D

FeelingGreat

Hi, that's a real pity. There's something about the change in roles of dynamics he can't come to terms with, but getting it out of him isn't going to be easy.

There's a book by Manuel E Smith called 'When I say no I feel Guilty' - you can get it on Amazon. It has a section towards the back about how to talk something out with a partner so you can get to the real problem. From memory he uses an example of a woman complaining about her husband's smelly fishing clothes when the real problem is she doesn't like him away all weekend. It shows you how to get to the point without aggression or blame. I mention this because I've used this technique a few times in my life and it almost works too well (I hear stuff I might not want to).

Other than that, maybe marriage counselling might work if he'll go. The bottling up and passive aggressiveness isn't helping anyone.

BTW - brilliant that you're doing so well with sobriety. Congratulations.

ChancesAh

Congrats on 2.5 months. It's a hard road but a journey essential for getting to a real life.
Sorry to hear about you husband. Like the others said change and fear is a scary thing. He may also feel left out by your meeting schedule or perhaps you may be acting peculiar which many of us do in early sobriety. Regardless, the future demands you stay strong and focussed on a sober tomorrow. Good luck

MythOfSisyphus

Any change, even a good one, can upset the dynamics of a relationship. Getting sober has been a lifesaver for me but it has in some ways caused my relationship with some of my family to become worse. Basically I just ignored their $hit for all the years I was drunk all the time! Now I don't just retreat into a bottle so I have to deal with them more.

Don't let it get you down, Kafkaesque!

Berrybean

My partner struggled with the change initially - now, 18 months in, he has stopped feeling threatened by it all, and is pleased I'm happier and calmer. We still struggle to agree on some socialising issued as he's still pretty into his beer and pubs, but we're both willing to compromise and he's been cutting down recently out of choice as well.

I've been to a few CoDa meetings, and found their handbook really enlightening and helpful around codependency issues. If there are no CoDa meetings near you, it is possible to buy their handbook and workbook online (I got the kindle version of the handbook).

Good luck

Rar

I feel for you Kafkaesque: It seems my husband is happiest when he's in control and I'm in agreement with everything he says and does. Now that you're sober, you are likely becoming stronger and more of your own person. When I was drinking, I was braver. There were times when I've said, "You don't even like me, do you? He wouldn't let himself be engaged in an argument and never responded. I don't really have a solution, but because I've been there, I believe the issue is HIS and not your's. I just want to say, I understand. ((HUGS))

@ Feeling Great: 'When I say no I feel Guilty' - you can get it on Amazon. It has a section towards the back about how to talk something out with a partner so you can get to the real problem. I need this book and will be checking it out today. Actually though, it's not me feeling guilty, it's the reaction my husband has if I suggest something different than what he proposes. For example, a vacation or trip: If I suggest something different that what he proposes, he will respond, "Do what you want". Then I'm left with trying to find another place, making reservations, etc. without any help from him. I'm never even sure what he thinks of my idea. Anyway, that is a huge trigger for me. I've been married 41 years and I've learned to be a mouse in my relationship in order to keep conflict away. Nonetheless, I'm going to check the book out.

aasharon90

My husband and his parents pulled an
intervention on me getting me help I
so desperately needed at at that time
in my life, doing for me what I didn't,
couldn't, wouldn't do for myself.

For that, I am today, always grateful for.

However, I was given a stipulation
from my husband that if I ever drank
again then my azz would be out of the
house.

How dare you tell me that which I
held a resentment for awhile until
I turned it around and did what I
wanted, needed to do to remain
sober each day for ME.

I did whatever I needed to do by
going to my meetings, conventions,
step studies, big book studies, AA
birthday celebrations, anything related
to my recovery to listen, learn, absorb,
apply vital information, tools to incorporate
in all areas of my life one day at a time.

Over time, as my kids grew, we relocated,
life proceeded on, my family never skipped
a beat at growing, maturing, educated, and
me remaining living my recovery life trying
to find balance in all.

However, there was a struggle with
them and me when it came to understanding,
communication as it seems like them and
me were living on different planets. Like
speaking a different language.

They assumed that once I learned to
live life without drinking and went to
my AA then I was cured. That I didn't
need to depend on AA any longer. That
I didn't need to spent time going to meetings
any longer.

Because I was the only one with an addiction
living a recovery life with my recovery program
and them not needing any kind of recovery
program offered to family members so we
could remain a healthy family unit, we all
went our separate ways in life.

25 yrs married ended peacefully. Kids
moved on healthy, happy, married, career
oriented and I returned to my home town.

25 yrs sober and im still on my recovery
journey, healthy, happy, remarried, still
putting my recovery importance where
it needs to be for me.

With out my strong, solid recovery
foundation to live my life upon each
day I remain sober, then I wouldn't
have anything. No life. No future. None
of the gifts of the Promises as written
for us in the Big Book of AA.

It's not just the matter of not drinking
in life. There is so much more to recovery
than just living life without alcohol. Being
a dry drunk is what it is called and with that
comes unhappiness, resentments, selfishness,
and so much more negativity, unhealthiness.

I have to live and incorporate tools and
knowledge of a recovery program taught
to me 25 yrs ago in all my affairs. I have
practice them on a daily bases, finding
balance in everything I do. It can be a
struggle or tough task sometimes, but
nothing so hard that a drink would make
easier.

Staying connected to my recovery
program and others just like me helps
me realize that I am not alone in this
distructive illness that robs us of everything
in life and myself.

There is fellowship, understanding,
communication, a unity amongst
us either here in SR or in our recovery
meetings where laughter, smiles, support,
comes together that we cant find anywhere's
else.

I couldn't and cant change folks to make
them understand addiction unless they
are in one or is educated about it. Programs
are always available to teach, educate
everyone willing to learn about it.

Take care of yourself and what will
keep you alive, healthy, happy and honest
in all your affairs because no one else
will.

As always, this is just my thoughts,
opinions and what has worked for me.

Anna

Congratulations on your hard work and recovery.

As Dee said, a major change in a relationship can cause fear in the other person. Have you had a sincere talk with him, letting him know that you feel he is being mean to you? If you already have and he continues to act this way, then you might have to re-evaluate your relationship because no one should be treated in a demeaning manner.

Reset

It's really hard to know from the other side of the internet. But a few things come to mind:

- I highly doubt he hates you. But you have to talk to him. When he says something that hurts you, you gotta point it out (calmly) and ask why he said that.
- Time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds that fast. I'm still kind of stinging over something my wife told me 3 years ago! And maybe vice vesa. Fair or not, some people are like that. And resentment goes both ways, meaning he probably has a lot built up over the years.
- And I hate to say it, but there might be the possibility that he was acting this way before you got sober, you just didn't fully see it.

Anyway, talk to him.

Roxyblues

It may be the time you spend away doing stuff to help yourself or just misdirected concern that you are getting better and he is not. Change can be difficult in any relationship, sinetimes even when it is positive.

Keep doing what you are doing by taking care of yourself. If you are in AA and working the steps, particularly the third, don't worry. You have turned your life over and God has this under control.

Fly N Buy

Sometimes our significant other may not want to hear / live our new recovery 24/7. I know I talked a lot AT my spouse about my progress and my program. At times in hindsight it was over the top.

Read the family afterwards in our book. Specifically the part about the farmer and the tornado passing - look Ma ain't life grand ! Maybe some of this you'll identify with - I know I did.

I just have to stay sober one day at a time but realize my spouses expectations for my sobriety (if they believe me at all) may be very different than my own.

Tracy999

I was thinking this too.

I have opened my eyes to several family members now that I'm sober and it was surprising to me. Some people I used to adore, now I don't (because I realized they're rude and obnoxious) and ones I didn't care for I have a clearer understanding of and empathy for now.

They didn't change. I did.

Verte

A few months after I stopped drinking, my SO and I "had it out". He did not appreciate having to accommodate my newfound abstinence, behaviors, viewpoints, way of living, recovery. As others have already mentioned, our SOs are not given the choice to accommodate change and fear - accommodation is necessary if we are to continue being a functional 'we'. Of course he could have walked out or checked out at any time, but again, doing so would be inviting another source of change and fear.

In my marriage there is tacit understanding that we live and let live. The truth was that neither of us were sure we really liked each other very much anymore, despite loving each other deeply. My early abstinence sentiments were often smug and annoying. Like, if I am going to live with someone he might as well be able to hit the dirty clothes basket with his dirty socks. As if in the scheme of things this is an essential trait in a partner. In hindsight, my own nit picking was leading up to the bigger questions.

There were so many aspects of my past drinking years that I did not like and needed to change. Where does my marriage and this person with whom I choose to live and travel through life with fit into the past, present and future? It was scary. Do we live and let live together, or apart?

Had abstinence changed me so significantly or had my eyes finally opened to the reality that our relationship had run its course at some point over the last decade plus and I had been too blitzed to notice?

There has been tremendous growth in our relationship despite not having taken the opportunity for marriage counseling. We lived like two bumper cars in the State Fair for a while. I cannot really pinpoint exactly when things started to go more smoothly because, as when anyone first meets their chosen one, it is the daily exchange that at some point brings us to the realization that we not only like but love this other human being.

It is doubtful that your husband hates you. More likely he is adjusting to the reality that you did not 'just stop drinking', you made an excellent decision and it changed most everything. Do ask him to stop picking on you and being mean! There are other modes of communication and he needs to figure those out. Hang in there. Great job and keep it going! These growing pains will pass. Keep moving through them.

juppe

Does your partner drink alcohol?

fantail

Really good advice. I add this not to counter anything anyone said above but to add to it... one thing I've noticed in AA at times when people talk about their relationships, those of us in early sobriety often have the perspective of "I'm sober now, so what gives? I've done my part." It makes sense, because we've worked so hard to get here, and because we feel so much better! But the partner still has to deal with us as a whole person, not just sober/drunk. Which means maybe some of the stuff they didn't like while we were drinking hasn't changed, and they're like "oh crap, I thought this would get better"... or that the new personality that we're shakily learning to inhabit is different and they're trying to figure out how to relate to this new person... or that they're adjusting to the changes in your relationship, but it's all on your schedule... or simply that there's something going on that has nothing to do with your sobriety!

So you're doing awesome, and don't forget that no matter what his opinion is on the matter! But also try to extend him the benefit of the doubt and listen without judgment.

pupkin

Major congrats Kafka! Keep going. As for hubby, going only from your side of it, I agree with others who have said that he could feel threatened by your journey in some way--possibly on such a deep level that he doesn't recognize or understand it himself. Again, I agree with others: any change, good or bad--even something as small as a new friend or hobby, heck, even a new favorite TV show--can leave a partner feeling fundamentally left out or left behind somehow, even if that's not the case (and even if that turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy :-) Talk it out. And keep up the great work!