Posting this makes me nervous!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 47
Posting this makes me nervous!
I'm back yet again. I feel foolish for keep having to start over. I thought this time I would write a more in depth post about my life and how I've gotten here. Not because I want any sympathy, but because I feel it may help me to deal with my past and move on...
When I was 14 years old, my dad (who I adored) did something terrible. I was told about it and had to tell my mum. He then tried to run me over for telling on him. I have never been so scared and heart broken in my whole life. It made me feel worthless. A few weeks later, we were living in temporary Accommodation and I went out with my friends. I drank for the first time... I loved the feeling of escapism it gave me. I felt different from all of my friends even at that age. As the years went on I drank more and more. Now, in my 30's and I'm still doing the same thing. The difference now is that I do it behind closed doors, so I can hide it from the world. I can go for days without drinking but something inside me is screaming for alcohol, so by day 4 I give in. I don't want to live this way anymore but it seems to be the only thing I know. I want to be free. I want out now. I want to be normal.
I can't hold down relationships. I finished with my ex as He found out my problem and tried to restrict my drinking.
I seem to have landed myself a good job but I constantly worry that they'll suss out my secret and sack me.
I feel like my life is slipping away from me. I used to like the way I look but now avoid all mirrors as I have that lovely puffy face going on.
I know I'm hurting the people around me and I feel so selfish that I can't seem to stop. I know I need a plan, but where do I start?
If you're still awake after reading this post then I welcome your comments!
When I was 14 years old, my dad (who I adored) did something terrible. I was told about it and had to tell my mum. He then tried to run me over for telling on him. I have never been so scared and heart broken in my whole life. It made me feel worthless. A few weeks later, we were living in temporary Accommodation and I went out with my friends. I drank for the first time... I loved the feeling of escapism it gave me. I felt different from all of my friends even at that age. As the years went on I drank more and more. Now, in my 30's and I'm still doing the same thing. The difference now is that I do it behind closed doors, so I can hide it from the world. I can go for days without drinking but something inside me is screaming for alcohol, so by day 4 I give in. I don't want to live this way anymore but it seems to be the only thing I know. I want to be free. I want out now. I want to be normal.
I can't hold down relationships. I finished with my ex as He found out my problem and tried to restrict my drinking.
I seem to have landed myself a good job but I constantly worry that they'll suss out my secret and sack me.
I feel like my life is slipping away from me. I used to like the way I look but now avoid all mirrors as I have that lovely puffy face going on.
I know I'm hurting the people around me and I feel so selfish that I can't seem to stop. I know I need a plan, but where do I start?
If you're still awake after reading this post then I welcome your comments!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Alcohol it seems is not doing you any favours LexyLou, and for me it was the same I would keep going back time and time again, "this time would be different, I can control it this time, one drink won't hurt" but who was I kidding.
Forget about striving to be a "normal drinker", I had to let that pipe dream go, had to accept the reality of where I was, in the same way someone has an allergy to seafood, or nuts, they accept it and move on, I had to do the same with alcohol.
If alcohol was a friend that treated you soo badly you would have said goodbye to them long ago, so why hang onto something for soo long, for me that's when I realised there is a side to drinking that is a real addiction, I couldn't just depend on willpower, good intentions or hoping it will sort itself out, instead I needed a plan, plenty of support to beat it, change up my routines, revolutionise my decision making in life, who I hung out with, what activities I got involved in, Sobriety I needed to make happen proactively.
Life was slipped away for me too, but in my 30s I turned it around, it can be done and you can do it too!!
Write a new chapter to your life, a happier one, the life you deserve LexyLou!!
You can do this!!
Forget about striving to be a "normal drinker", I had to let that pipe dream go, had to accept the reality of where I was, in the same way someone has an allergy to seafood, or nuts, they accept it and move on, I had to do the same with alcohol.
If alcohol was a friend that treated you soo badly you would have said goodbye to them long ago, so why hang onto something for soo long, for me that's when I realised there is a side to drinking that is a real addiction, I couldn't just depend on willpower, good intentions or hoping it will sort itself out, instead I needed a plan, plenty of support to beat it, change up my routines, revolutionise my decision making in life, who I hung out with, what activities I got involved in, Sobriety I needed to make happen proactively.
Life was slipped away for me too, but in my 30s I turned it around, it can be done and you can do it too!!
Write a new chapter to your life, a happier one, the life you deserve LexyLou!!
You can do this!!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
Posted w permission AAWS Inc.
Bill.s Story, pg. 13, Para. 2.
Try this...see if it flips a switch...it did for my friend Bill and me.
Posted w permission AAWS Inc.
Bill.s Story, pg. 13, Para. 2.
Try this...see if it flips a switch...it did for my friend Bill and me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome back Lexy. Sorry you are back under these circumstances, but glad you aren't giving up this fight.
For me early on, I spent a ton of time here on SR. I read as many old posts and threads as I could, joined the monthly class and tried to post as often as I could.
You've got to dig deep and remember why you are trying to stay sober. I still have to remind myself daily of what life used to be like for me when I was drinking. When we get complacent, we are destined to repeat what brought us here in the first place.
You don't have to come up with a complex plan, just one that helps you get through the times when you are going to want to drink, and one that prepares you for situations where you would normally drink.
Do what ever it takes to divert your attention from your AV when it starts chiming in. Bottom line is don't drink today. You won't regret that decision.
You can do this.
For me early on, I spent a ton of time here on SR. I read as many old posts and threads as I could, joined the monthly class and tried to post as often as I could.
You've got to dig deep and remember why you are trying to stay sober. I still have to remind myself daily of what life used to be like for me when I was drinking. When we get complacent, we are destined to repeat what brought us here in the first place.
You don't have to come up with a complex plan, just one that helps you get through the times when you are going to want to drink, and one that prepares you for situations where you would normally drink.
Do what ever it takes to divert your attention from your AV when it starts chiming in. Bottom line is don't drink today. You won't regret that decision.
You can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 47
Thanks for your responses. I will take a lot of what you all said on board. Today I want to clean the house and send a job application in. My current job means I work from home a lot so therefore I use the excuse of working from home the next day to drink myself to blackout point. I managed to go 4 months sober last year, so I know I can do this. I have to change my mindset from thinking I can have a break from drinking to thinking no more ever. I know it's going to be tough, but I'll stay close to you guys.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Welcome back LexyLou
I really believe it's possible to leave the past in the past, and turn ourselves faceward to the future.
It's a process, not an event, and it takes time - but staying sober will give you the clarity of mind and the emotional capacity to deal with events from your past and finally move on
For me 40 years of beating myself up for things that weren't my fault was more than enough.
D
I really believe it's possible to leave the past in the past, and turn ourselves faceward to the future.
It's a process, not an event, and it takes time - but staying sober will give you the clarity of mind and the emotional capacity to deal with events from your past and finally move on
For me 40 years of beating myself up for things that weren't my fault was more than enough.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Good luck on sending the job ap in Lexy. Like Dee said, staying sober for the long haul is a process, not an event. You were successful for 4 months, so you know not only that you can do it but also how life can be without alcohol.
You can get it back. We're here for you when you need us.
You can get it back. We're here for you when you need us.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
There are some of us who had bad childhoods and don't drink. There some who have bad lives and don't drink.
My daughter died a year ago. Many would say that is the most tramatic thing a person can go through and I believe they are right but here I sit sober. Never touched a drop from the time of her diagnosis to the time of her death
Drinking is always the problem never the solution. If you need help with childhood abuse get it but don't dtink.
For me I used a combination of professional help and AA. I needed the help of others because staying sober was a problem bigger than me.
My daughter died a year ago. Many would say that is the most tramatic thing a person can go through and I believe they are right but here I sit sober. Never touched a drop from the time of her diagnosis to the time of her death
Drinking is always the problem never the solution. If you need help with childhood abuse get it but don't dtink.
For me I used a combination of professional help and AA. I needed the help of others because staying sober was a problem bigger than me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: US
Posts: 544
Hi lexylou - Sounds like you have some serious things to deal with. But they won't get any better with alcohol addiction piled on top. So maybe you can deal with one thing at a time? What do you have control over? Drinking? Keep it simple. Do anything it takes to go to bed sober tonight (repeat each day). Give yourself some sober time like you've done before. Then, with a clear head, you might want to try therapy to address everything else.
Trust me, I know what it means to drink to blackout to deal with pain from the past. I spent YEARS doing that. It was such a waste of time, but I'm glad I know that now.
I wish you the best on your journey.
Trust me, I know what it means to drink to blackout to deal with pain from the past. I spent YEARS doing that. It was such a waste of time, but I'm glad I know that now.
I wish you the best on your journey.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by Dee74 
For me 40 years of beating myself up for things that weren't my fault was more than enough.
D
Hugs Lexi. Time to leave it in the past. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 33
Hi lexy,
Glad your here, please stick with it. We have all been there. Even if you feel terrible about life there is future with unlimited possibilities and happiness to be found . Look in the right direction and put this foot in that direction the other will follow. Soon the past will burn only to fuel your journey forward.
Meet your soul mate in the.mirror and promise her to keep her safe.
Love and peace
Glad your here, please stick with it. We have all been there. Even if you feel terrible about life there is future with unlimited possibilities and happiness to be found . Look in the right direction and put this foot in that direction the other will follow. Soon the past will burn only to fuel your journey forward.
Meet your soul mate in the.mirror and promise her to keep her safe.
Love and peace
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,042
Hi Lexylou, can't add much in terms of advice as it's already here for you (and quality stuff too!)
Just wanted to acknowledge that your past sounds incredibly painful and things happened that should not have happened to you.
You deserve a good life now and can work to create one without drink.
Much love to you xx
Just wanted to acknowledge that your past sounds incredibly painful and things happened that should not have happened to you.
You deserve a good life now and can work to create one without drink.
Much love to you xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 47
I'm so grateful for all your advice. I agree MIrecovery, some people do not choose to drink regardless of their circumstances and I am not blaming my past for anything, I was simply trying to paint a picture of how it first started; for myself to understand more than anyone else. Just "thinking out loud". I'm so sorry about the loss of your daughter. I can not comprehend the pain of what you are dealing with, so much admiration that you are still sober.
Shonno thanks for our lovely chat today...I will remember to look for her in the mirror
Thanks to everyone for all your support, I hope everyone is well today, and enjoying a sober Sunday x
Shonno thanks for our lovely chat today...I will remember to look for her in the mirror
Thanks to everyone for all your support, I hope everyone is well today, and enjoying a sober Sunday x
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