Trish42

I've been with my husband for seven years, married for one. My birthday is in a few days and it looks like we are on the brink of divorce.

My husband was a crazy lunatic when drinking. He used to drink frequently, almost daily, and finally after his DUI (I had no idea he was drinking and driving til I found out he had a DUI) he agreed to stop drinking. It has been three years of ups and downs. He will go long stretches (weeks) without drinking and then I will come home or he comes home and he is acting strange. Being belligerent is his usual "tell". He will get really silly with our dogs and loud and is very "up". I will then search around for evidence of his drinking and most times, unfortunately, I find it.

It's been six weeks since the last time I caught him drinking. He swore to attend AA meetings and although he's promised that before this time he actually did start attending online AA meetings. This lasted a few weeks. He has not made time to do the meetings for at least two weeks now.

He promised he would go to therapy for his manic depression but of course he hasn't. If I were to book him an appointment and drive him there (we live an hour from the nearest major town with counsellors) he would go but he will NOT do it himself.

He came home from work today acting strange. I gave him a breathlyzer test and he passed. He stepped outside for no reason at all and I spied on him out the window. I saw him take a wine bottle from his car (!!!) and slide it into his pants, covering it with his shirt. I originally thought he was bringing booze into the house but before he got to the front door he went to the side of the house and tossed the bottle. I ran out after to find it and found it on the side of the house. He denied it over and over, saying I am wrong. I SAW HIM THROW THE BOTTLE! I found the bottle! The bottle had small remnants of fresh wine in the bottom! He said "it's an old bottle" but there is no way.

This is the usual pattern. He lies even though it's completely insane to do so when I KNOW what happened.

He also does stupid stupid things like throwing the wine bottle at the side of the house. It wasn't hidden or anything, I would have seen it had I just been strolling by. I don't drink at home so of course the bottle would be his. -I stopped drinking to aid him in his journey-

I told him I was done with this BS and he went upstairs. I can't argue about it anymore, it's exhausting and pointless. We texted a little bit and he said that he is done doing this to me and he's sick of the strife he's causing me and sick of the strife I'm causing him. I've done nothing but be supportive and loving, but yet in his sick mind I'm causing HIM strife. It's unbelievable. But I'm sure you can all believe it because you're in my shoes as well.

I have to get through this crazy busy birthday weekend of mine, smiling and pretending it's all okay when really I'm wondering how I will afford an apartment that will accept our two dogs and two cats, as I know he won't be taking them. He's already said he will leave town.

I don't know if there is a relationship to save at this point or even if I want to.

This man is the love of my life and I've been so proud of him, so in love with him. I can't imagine my life without him. I feel numb and crushed and I want to knock our wedding photos off the wall.

I just need some support from people who have been here.

I don't know if the fact that he has improved so much is a reason to stay and help him through the rest of his journey or if I've already spent too much time on someone who clearly has no desire to change. Ok, maybe he does have desire to change but he has no ambition or ability to follow through.

I love you all for reading this. I am so lost.

Sotiredofitall

Big hugs and welcome to our group. No answers for you but know you aren't crazy. This is the mad hatter ride, no doubt. Its a quiet time of nite so be patient with the folks on here. Lots of wisdom to be shared and lots of empathy. We all have been on the ride.

Trish42

Thanks so much "sotiredofitall". Funny but I almost made my username something just like yours, hehe. Decided to go with my name instead.

Since he is clearly drinking again, I know he can't be trusted with the car.

I've told him before that if he drinks, I won't be able to trust him with driving the car. He understood that that was a consequence of his drinking.

I will have to drive him to and from work, a 20 min drive one way. That sucks but what else do I do? The car and insurance is in MY name. I can't risk him getting the car impounded or get himself or someone else hurt.

So now I have to baby him and take him to work. (We desperately need the money to fund our respective moves)

He is now not coming to my birthday party which means he can't come and also can't go to work (I won't allow him to use the second car now). I'm sure he will have an awesome day here on his own smoking pot and surfing the net. While I struggle to act "normal and happy" around my friends and try to get him out of my head.

Just venting some more! Now I'm a fricking taxi.

happybeingme

Spying on him and making him do a breathalyzer is not supportive. Taking a few weeks off between drunks isn't sobriety. It is just a break. Your husband has two things going on apparently. Bipolar disorder and alcoholism. Unfortunately you can't successfully treat the alcoholism unless the bipolar is addressed as well. That means medication and therapy. It doesn't sound like he thinks he has a problem. That is his right. You have the problem with his behavior. Unfortunately this is a common scenario. Many people suffering from alcoholism also suffer from mental illness. Thing is you can't do anything about it. You can go to Al-Anon though.

FeelingGreat

Hi Trish, sorry you've got such a stressful time ahead. It's the last thing you need on your birthday.

Good news is that now you've realised he's drinking again you don't have to keep up the testing, looking for bottles and trying to believe him routine. Just let it go...you know the score so why torture him and yourself proving what you know already?

I agree with happy that unless he gets treatment for the bipolar he's probably not going to stop drinking, so it would make sense for him to concentrate on that first. There is effective medication around for bipolar, but I assume that if he's been diagnosed he's also rejected treatment.

How is your financial situation and ability to look after yourself if you do separate? It might be worth sitting down with him when he's sober and going over it together so you both understand and agree. I'm not talking about formal legal settlement, just the meanwhile. Chances are that if you do separate he'll binge, and may not be employed for a while, so try to assume you'll have to look after yourself.

Sorry to be so practical when you're going through this heartbreak, but it will make things easier on the practical side.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome.

How do you figure he's "improved"? Just because he's falling-down drunk in front of you less often doesn't mean he's better--witness the fact that he's drinking in secret. And playing detective by hunting for bottles, watching his every move, and then breathalyzing him and taking away his driving privileges--no wonder you're exhausted and he's ticked off. This isn't what being supportive means.

Alcoholics ALL lie about their drinking and hide it when necessary. This isn't something unique to him.

If you're concerned about liability with the car, I'd suggest you talk to a lawyer. Driving him to/from work on a daily basis doesn't sound like a viable long-term option.

Has he been actually diagnosed as bipolar, or is that your own conclusion? Even though it's important for mental illnesses to be treated, as well, it's important to note that an accurate diagnosis or medication monitoring will be virtually impossible while he's still drinking. If he does have a mental illness, then his best course would be to receive treatment at a place that specializes in "dual diagnosis" (addiction and mental illness). IF he is ready to do that, that is.

I'd suggest getting involved in Al-Anon. As you focus on yourself and your own behaviors that have resulted from living with his, your head will begin to clear and it will be easier for you to consider your options.

redatlanta

Same question - has your husband been diagnosed with bipolar? If so is he on medication?

hopeful4

Hi Trish. You have gotten some good feedback, however, I too want to welcome you to SR. There is wonderful support here from people who have truly walked in your shoes. You are not alone.

I am really glad you found us!

Trish42

Hi guys.

He has been diagnosed with manic depression awhile back when he was put into a hospital psych ward for a week by his parents. It may have been called depression with periods of mania but it was not called bipolar. This was about 8 years ago so maybe definitions have changed? I do know they did not declare it bipolar. He is not medicated nor seeing anyone about it. He goes through long periods of being fine with periods of depression and very rarely periods of mania, almost always fueled by alcohol.

I'm not sure what to do specifically about the driving? He's been in a couple accidents, once where he totaled the SUV and flipped it and a couple others that resulted in body work needing to be done. He's fully aware he shouldn't be driving but where we live it's a necessity to get to work. If we end up moving together to a major city then he will no longer be driving but instead taking the bus, we've both agreed to that. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself or someone else. He says he has not been drinking and driving but of course there's no way to know.

The breathlyzer was always his idea, he bought it, and it's helped immensely. Why is that a bad thing? Again it's so that I can have some peace of mind that he's not drinking and driving.

I'm here to figure out how to manage this and be supportive. What is the reason we are not to look for evidence of drinking? That seems counter-intuitive to me. If he's lying about drinking and I just accept it, then how is that helping? He learns he gets to get away with lying scot-free, etc, etc. Knowing that he is in fact drinking means I can actually know what is going on instead of being kept in the dark. So I'm confused as to the reasons I would not want to know via proof that he has been drinking.

Thanks guys, I'm very open minded about learning how best to deal with this. Some of it sounds like the opposite of what you'd think would work so I'm not asking you questions to try to justify what we've been doing, just want to understand why it works/is recommended to do, etc.

firebolt

Oh - searching and finding evidence, pointing out the lies - we've ALL been there.

The reason to stop - to save YOUR sanity. That sleuthing for what we already know makes us crazy people. Our only focus becomes them, proving they are drinking and trying to show them why it's going to ruin all of our lives. That is NO life. Hun, you know he's drinking no matter what he says. You already KNOW it.

What is the punishment for lying in your house? If it's anything like mine was, I'd be super cold and give him the silent treatment for a couple days. That was so damaging to me, to him and to our relationship. It did nothing to change his drinking - in fact that got worse. Most importantly, it did nothing positive for my life. I lived in hostility, and every time he'd semi sober up, I'd warm back up to him only to have some other crazy drunken incident happen. What a nightmarish rollercoaster ride from hell.

What we are trying to say is YOU can stop this and make your life better no matter what he does.

Look, those of us that choose alcoholics and choose to live with the chaos that goes with them are often as sick as they are. It is hard to believe, well - because we are pretty dang great. We can deal with more than a lot of people, and we smooth over the ordeals in this crazy life to make it look pretty good. That's not ok, it's not healthy for us or kids in the mix. It just isn't. We deserve happy, peaceful lives - without any kind of abuse in them. I've yet to meet the partner of an alcoholic who hasn't suffered some kind of abuse. It is terrorism at home - and it only gets worse til they get better. We choose it, every single day and that makes us sick.

Pulling my blinders off to this fact has changed my life - like so many people in here. Getting some counseling, hitting some Alanon or Coda meetings, working the steps, and turning our focus completely back to ourselves is a long and difficult journey that leads us to be better people, more grounded and self sufficient. Sometimes it leads us to leave the alcoholic, sometimes it leads them to follow suit and get better. NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO, we become happier, better, healthier,and more at peace.

Crappy thing is, we are usually in denial of the fact that WE need help. We need somewhat of the same wake up call that they do. Sorry you are here, but glad you found us!

happybeingme

It is not for you to manage. He is your spouse not your child. If he wants to drink he will lie and hide it. Or may even tell you to suck it up. If he lies and you catch him are you going to ground him or give him a time out?

Some alcoholics will drive drunk no matter what. And even if you do all the driving he may sneak out when your sleeping or he will find a way to buy booze another way.

You have said he is the love of your life and you are proud of him. How? What has he done to make you proud? How is he the love of your life when he respects you so little hee can't even be bothered with your birthday plans? Instead he is going to sit around getting stoned all weekend. Maybe I am missing something but I don't see anything great about him. He has had numerous accidents, depends on you now to drive him because he can't be responsible. When he isn't getting drunk he is stoned. Do you see how this looks?

hopeful4

I can understand that there is a lot not being revealed about why he is still a good person on this board. We don't live with him, you do, and you see both sides to who he is, and who he usto be and can be. The thing is, addiction of any sort is progressive, and can take you over as a person, both as the addict and the partner thereof.

It's really hard to accept that we cannot change their life and make them choose to do the right thing, or it sure was for me. Counseling and Celebrate Recovery made me shift the focus back to my own life, and that of our children first. It made me strong enough to realize no matter what happened, I would be strong enough to handle it, and I am.

It takes time. This is no marathon. You don't have to make decisions today, or tomorrow. Educate yourself. Get yourself in a good place and see where that takes you.

Many hugs.

FireSprite

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you stumbled into a great place to help you along in this process.

To answer your questions that I bolded above: Because it doesn't help.

Has busting the lies or catching him in the act ever changed things? Has it ever inspired him to have an AHA moment & see himself clearly? Nope. But how much time & energy did you sacrifice looking for what your gut probably already told you? Even with the "proof", what changes? Nothing. You think, he can't possibly deny THIS & then he does - vehemently.

Like you, the more obvious something was (I SAW YOU DO IT!) the more my husband dug in his heals & defended his point. I would laugh in his face & state the absurdities & he would agree, "Yes, that's what I'm saying & I'm sticking to it." I could never force him to engage on my terms & acknowledge what he chose to ignore. But it made ME crazy, I started to doubt my sanity at times, in all seriousness.

You aren't accepting his lies when you stop looking for the evidence - you are accepting that you KNOW he's lying, so why bother with the exact details?

The Breathalyzer sounds a bit like a red herring - if he drank the wine & passed the test he's found a way around it somehow, hasn't he?

FireSprite

Guilty As Charged.

I'm still working hard to stop this from being my knee-jerk reaction when I get angry.

NYCDoglvr

I think the best way to deal with it is to go to Alanon, which saved my sanity. I learned I'm completely powerless over other people but can choose to save my own life. It was tremendous support from people who had been in my shoes. A big hug.

redatlanta

Because you don't need proof that he is drinking you already know that he is. You don't need to catch him in a lie because if you do you aren't his mommy, and there is really nothing you can do about it. Do you think he might sit in the corner, or lose TV privileges? He drinks, he lies. You get pissed. If it walks like a duck its a duck - why not avoid the anger over proving he is drinking cause it is you that suffers. He just goes upstairs.

You don't involve yourself with his breathalyzer because that makes you responsible for his sobriety. No breathalyzer has ever gotten anyone sober.

You can't manage this. Thats the whole point. You trying to manage this is just going to make you nuts, and honestly, him nuts and cause further issues.. You'd do better to tell him to drink and do whatever he wants and get out of his way so you can see for yourself what you are really dealing with.

wanttobehealthy

Even when I knew that checking for proof of his drinking, arguing with him about said proof (and he'd deny it even when I had seen it with my own eyes) and trying to monitor his drinking (via a breathalyzer-- we do have this in our parenting plan actually but it occurs at the police dept and before he drives our kids) was unhealthy and made me crazy, I did it anyway...

I felt so powerless, so confused, so torn, so crazy (being told you're imagining things when you know you aren't and the mind screwing that goes on with the A) that at least if I was choosing to act in ways that I knew were dysfunctional, still felt like I had more control than just throwing my hands up...

Of course the long term effect of this was devastating for me and messed me up far more than if I had figured out that it was unwise a lot sooner...

I too thought that this man was the love of my life and had good in him, I felt bad for him (mental health issues for him too like yours), I felt that I could love him enough to make him be well and act right...

I empathize and relate to so much of what you have said...

Rather than pretend all is fine this weekend, can you tell family or friends what's going on? Can you reach out and get support?

Have you looked for an apartment as you mentioned you may do?

Sometimes just taking those steps to explore possibilities, even if you don't feel ready to act, helps a lot...

RollTide

I've been exactly where you are. If there is anything that was more prevalent than alcohol in our marriage it was lying. In the end I just could stand no more of either.

My prayers are going out for you.

hopeful4

I eventually stopped trying to "prove" anything when my X would lie to me about drinking. I would simply sit the bottle on the dining room table so he would know that I know. There was really no conversation needed.

I only did that b/c I knew I was not going to stay and I wanted him to see why I was leaving. I don't know that it helped at all, when I divorced him he could not have been more surprised, stunned. Even though I had said over and over I wanted a divorce and this was not working. His manipulative self thought that I would never follow through. Surprise was on him, I am a MUCH happier person now!

Each person has to decide how to handle their own situation, but I can tell you that the fine folks here at SR, counseling with someone who specializes in helping families with addiction (by myself, not w/him), and Celebrate Recovery all helped me realize that no matter what happened I would be ok, and I am.

Many hugs!