Dry Drunk
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Dry Drunk
Hi friends-
Back after a little break. RAH has been sober for 9 almost 10 months. He goes to AA meetings (not as many meetings as before) and he talks to an addiction specialist weekly (he's a therapist who specializes in addiction).
My concern is that he's a dry drunk. Moody check, irritable check, blames others check, impatience check, negative perspective check, thinks he's superior check. I have to be honest...I tend to walk away and ignore. BUT this. is. exhausting. It's exhausting dealing with someone who is negative ALL OF THE TIME.
He wants everything done in HIS time. He sort of acts like since he's stopped drinking, he's done all he needs to do. Holds grudges against others. Has made little to no effort to move forward or take responsibility for the damage he has caused.
I work my program, but I'm tired of hearing out of his mouth that I'm closed minded, that I'm a control freak ( and no one else in the world would ever use those words to describe me. I've asked others if those are a way they see me because he's said it so much I have to wonder am I???) I haven't brought it up to him because frankly it would be an exhausting conversation.
He has little to no empathy for anyone else..including me. My dad's birthday was over the weekend, this is a hard time of year for me, my dad died in October and I was very close to him. Anyhow, he knew it was his birthday but not once did he ever ask me how I was doing. And if I told him I was struggling (from past experience) he would tell me basically to suck it up.
Anyone have good insight on how to deal with a dry drunk?
Back after a little break. RAH has been sober for 9 almost 10 months. He goes to AA meetings (not as many meetings as before) and he talks to an addiction specialist weekly (he's a therapist who specializes in addiction).
My concern is that he's a dry drunk. Moody check, irritable check, blames others check, impatience check, negative perspective check, thinks he's superior check. I have to be honest...I tend to walk away and ignore. BUT this. is. exhausting. It's exhausting dealing with someone who is negative ALL OF THE TIME.
He wants everything done in HIS time. He sort of acts like since he's stopped drinking, he's done all he needs to do. Holds grudges against others. Has made little to no effort to move forward or take responsibility for the damage he has caused.
I work my program, but I'm tired of hearing out of his mouth that I'm closed minded, that I'm a control freak ( and no one else in the world would ever use those words to describe me. I've asked others if those are a way they see me because he's said it so much I have to wonder am I???) I haven't brought it up to him because frankly it would be an exhausting conversation.
He has little to no empathy for anyone else..including me. My dad's birthday was over the weekend, this is a hard time of year for me, my dad died in October and I was very close to him. Anyhow, he knew it was his birthday but not once did he ever ask me how I was doing. And if I told him I was struggling (from past experience) he would tell me basically to suck it up.
Anyone have good insight on how to deal with a dry drunk?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The same way you'd deal with a wet drunk. If drinking didn't cause such unpleasant behavior, it wouldn't be so difficult for those close to the alcoholic. If all you do is take away the booze but the alcoholic is still acting the same way, then nothing has really changed.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
I can definitely relate to this. My separated AH was dry for 9 months before he went back to drinking in July. Things were better, compared to the way things were when he was drinking, but yeah... he would still go through the same cycles where he would be positive and patient, and we would get along great and have fun, then I could feel tension building until he blew... and then it was the same mean, blaming, unreasonable, irritable, selfish drunk, just without the alcohol.
"He sort of acts like since he's stopped drinking, he's done all he needs to do. Holds grudges against others. Has made little to no effort to move forward or take responsibility for the damage he has caused."
This^^^ was so frustrating for me as well... Like just stopping drinking makes it all better, and we should just get over it. If only it were that easy....
What do you want to do?
Do you want to continue in this relationship this way?
"He sort of acts like since he's stopped drinking, he's done all he needs to do. Holds grudges against others. Has made little to no effort to move forward or take responsibility for the damage he has caused."
This^^^ was so frustrating for me as well... Like just stopping drinking makes it all better, and we should just get over it. If only it were that easy....
What do you want to do?
Do you want to continue in this relationship this way?
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Sounds like he may not be physically drinking but my take on the big book and AA is that drinking is just one small part of the alcoholics problem and that just stopping drinking alone, without a rigorous look at ones self, isnt apt to do much.
There is nothing that says you're obligated to stay unhappy with someone who makes you miserable...
Not saying that to be harsh or snarky... I know that during the SHORT time my xAH stopped drinking I felt "well now I for sure can't complain or leave because he's sober" yet he was still an a$$ and I still didn't like a thing about him...
You get one life. It's pretty short. Be happy in it and if being with a dry or wet drunk isn't making you happy, think about what your other options are...
Sending you hugs!
There is nothing that says you're obligated to stay unhappy with someone who makes you miserable...
Not saying that to be harsh or snarky... I know that during the SHORT time my xAH stopped drinking I felt "well now I for sure can't complain or leave because he's sober" yet he was still an a$$ and I still didn't like a thing about him...
You get one life. It's pretty short. Be happy in it and if being with a dry or wet drunk isn't making you happy, think about what your other options are...
Sending you hugs!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi ST, haven't got much to say except maybe there are books or online information that could help with practical strategies. Maybe something about dealing with negative or passive-agressive people?
Would it help if you were to give him non-judgemental feedback like 'you seem grumpy today, is there something wrong?' Do you feel you can confront him, or does that get you nowhere? If it goes on for a long time you'll get dragged down too, and that would be a pity.
Would it help if you were to give him non-judgemental feedback like 'you seem grumpy today, is there something wrong?' Do you feel you can confront him, or does that get you nowhere? If it goes on for a long time you'll get dragged down too, and that would be a pity.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
What do you get when a horse thief stops drinking? A sober horse thief.
When I stopped drinking, only a year and a half ago, I was the proverbial sober horse thief. Drinking was only a symptom of my alcoholism. The depression, self doubt, anxiety and negativity were still there.
It's taken me lots of work - mostly the 12 steps, mostly with other alcoholics - to become productive and appreciate the good life I have. It didn't happen overnight. In my early days of recovery didn't accomplish much more than the most basic responsibilities. By taking small steps towards recovery every day I gradually shedded the toxic alcoholic behaviors.
It has been a long road, sometimes bumpy, sometimes winding, sometimes uphill! For me it started coming together shortly after a year sober when I found the courage to approach someone whose recovery I admired to ask her to be my sponsor.
My point isn't that you should put up with your husband's lousy behavior. Only you know what the right thing is to do. It takes time and work to get healthy - and 9-10 mos is still early IMO.
When I stopped drinking, only a year and a half ago, I was the proverbial sober horse thief. Drinking was only a symptom of my alcoholism. The depression, self doubt, anxiety and negativity were still there.
It's taken me lots of work - mostly the 12 steps, mostly with other alcoholics - to become productive and appreciate the good life I have. It didn't happen overnight. In my early days of recovery didn't accomplish much more than the most basic responsibilities. By taking small steps towards recovery every day I gradually shedded the toxic alcoholic behaviors.
It has been a long road, sometimes bumpy, sometimes winding, sometimes uphill! For me it started coming together shortly after a year sober when I found the courage to approach someone whose recovery I admired to ask her to be my sponsor.
My point isn't that you should put up with your husband's lousy behavior. Only you know what the right thing is to do. It takes time and work to get healthy - and 9-10 mos is still early IMO.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Someone posted this comment today, I liked it and saved it.
"when recovery happens, they learn to stop blaming the world for the problems that they created."
Who knows if he just needs time to figure it out, or he will never figure it out. Sorry ST, you would have thought 10 months sober that life would look a little more promising for your relationship.
Hugs my friend, only you know how much more you can take.
"when recovery happens, they learn to stop blaming the world for the problems that they created."
Who knows if he just needs time to figure it out, or he will never figure it out. Sorry ST, you would have thought 10 months sober that life would look a little more promising for your relationship.
Hugs my friend, only you know how much more you can take.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Thanks for all of the great comments. It's so frustrating to me because sometimes I feel like things are going well with us but then other times, I literally do not like him. I do not like how he acts.
I realize I can not control him or his sobriety. I realize that this may be the best it gets. And I am at the point where I have to just decide if I want to stay in this or let it go.
I guess I was more wondering if with time and more work in an AA program if things might get better? I have learned to have zero expectations of him and that has helped, although I must admit, that is a struggle for me because I think as people we do have expectations of our spouses naturally.
And I know I'm not alone in noticing these changes as others have commented to me about it. His mom, his friends, his brothers. But anyone brings it up to him and its just a defensive response you get.
I do need to approach him but truthfully, I'm not sure how. He's one of the most difficult people to talk to because it either is all about him and his feelings or he just shuts down.
The sad thing is, I don't think he has a clue to how I feel or what I'm thinking....because I think he'd rather not know. He cannot handle dealing with his own feelings so I know there is little chance he will be able to handle mine!
Thanks for the input! All great words to think about!
I realize I can not control him or his sobriety. I realize that this may be the best it gets. And I am at the point where I have to just decide if I want to stay in this or let it go.
I guess I was more wondering if with time and more work in an AA program if things might get better? I have learned to have zero expectations of him and that has helped, although I must admit, that is a struggle for me because I think as people we do have expectations of our spouses naturally.
And I know I'm not alone in noticing these changes as others have commented to me about it. His mom, his friends, his brothers. But anyone brings it up to him and its just a defensive response you get.
I do need to approach him but truthfully, I'm not sure how. He's one of the most difficult people to talk to because it either is all about him and his feelings or he just shuts down.
The sad thing is, I don't think he has a clue to how I feel or what I'm thinking....because I think he'd rather not know. He cannot handle dealing with his own feelings so I know there is little chance he will be able to handle mine!
Thanks for the input! All great words to think about!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Actually WORKING the AA program--working the steps, with a sponsor--would probably help, but that's his deal. It really isn't appropriate for you to make suggestions about how he manages his recovery.
Would he and his therapist be open to a few joint sessions? And/or would he be amenable to marriage counseling? He's got the booze out of his system, but it sounds like the marriage is tanking unless something changes. The advantage of seeking out a counseling setting is that he would HAVE to listen to you. No guarantee it would change anything, but at least you will feel that you tried.
Would he and his therapist be open to a few joint sessions? And/or would he be amenable to marriage counseling? He's got the booze out of his system, but it sounds like the marriage is tanking unless something changes. The advantage of seeking out a counseling setting is that he would HAVE to listen to you. No guarantee it would change anything, but at least you will feel that you tried.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
It could also be PAWS. Post acute withdrawal syndrome. This brings a whole bunch of symptoms with it and can linger off and on for two years. Sobriety is not a straight line. It takes a long time for an alcoholic to really start feeling and acting differently.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
My XAH was dry for 15 years. In my experience, it was like living with Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde. Unpredictable chaos in the home, emotional imbalances where one day he was happy and the next day he would be sulking on the couch, walking on eggshells, control issues, passive aggressive behavior, depression(his), anxiety(his) . In one of the Al Anon readings there is a line that says that we can find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or NOT. That really applied to my life at various points. He picked up the bottle a few years ago and I recently divorced him. I found my happiness through working a recovery program and finding a good counselor.
I had to learn to be happy and forget about what he was or wasn't doing. His HP(higher power) has him on his own path and there is nothing I can do to control it, to force a solution, or to fix him. The only person I could fix was ME.
I had to learn to be happy and forget about what he was or wasn't doing. His HP(higher power) has him on his own path and there is nothing I can do to control it, to force a solution, or to fix him. The only person I could fix was ME.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Sounds like he may not be physically drinking but my take on the big book and AA is that drinking is just one small part of the alcoholics problem and that just stopping drinking alone, without a rigorous look at ones self, isnt apt to do much.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Hi Sped -
I can understand and empathize with your present situation. My husband is 8 months sober. Alcohol is no longer in the picture, but the deep rooted issues remain. That might be what is happening in your situation as well. It comes out in many ways - subtle control/manipulation, blame, minimization. It is exhausting to be on the receiving end of it.
I agree with Lexie - marriage counseling may be helpful to you. My husband and I have done it for the last six months. I have sometimes wondered - should I have waited to start marriage counseling until he was further along? I don't know. There are pluses and minuses. The upside: my voice is heard and the counselor is quite direct with my husband - what he needs to do and what he needs to stop doing. The downside: I often walk away from the session feeling worse than when I walked in...probably for a variety of reasons. I have come to better understand and appreciate - it will take TIME for the issues to be addressed. In the meantime, it's difficult.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is - perhaps your husband's behaviors are attributable to his unaddressed deep rooted issues. And, marriage counseling might offer you assistance with it.
I hope this is helpful in some way. Hang in there.
I can understand and empathize with your present situation. My husband is 8 months sober. Alcohol is no longer in the picture, but the deep rooted issues remain. That might be what is happening in your situation as well. It comes out in many ways - subtle control/manipulation, blame, minimization. It is exhausting to be on the receiving end of it.
I agree with Lexie - marriage counseling may be helpful to you. My husband and I have done it for the last six months. I have sometimes wondered - should I have waited to start marriage counseling until he was further along? I don't know. There are pluses and minuses. The upside: my voice is heard and the counselor is quite direct with my husband - what he needs to do and what he needs to stop doing. The downside: I often walk away from the session feeling worse than when I walked in...probably for a variety of reasons. I have come to better understand and appreciate - it will take TIME for the issues to be addressed. In the meantime, it's difficult.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is - perhaps your husband's behaviors are attributable to his unaddressed deep rooted issues. And, marriage counseling might offer you assistance with it.
I hope this is helpful in some way. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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Yeah... Sounds like he's just pissed off at the world bc he can't drink . Definitely a dry drunk not working for true recovery. Tbh I'm surprised he still goes to AA meetings. And IMO he's especially cold to you and calls you a control freak bc in his mind "you" were the one that "made him quit drinking". No fun.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Question. Do you think this is his personality or the irritability of being dry?
For myself, it took me some realizing that even when my X was sober, he is still an a$$. It's his personality. Not drinking would not fix him. That was a big realization.......
For myself, it took me some realizing that even when my X was sober, he is still an a$$. It's his personality. Not drinking would not fix him. That was a big realization.......
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Join Date: May 2003
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No, I don't think it's his personality. I really believe that it's the being dry and deep rooted issues he's NEVER worked through. His family is a walking mess, the definition of dysfunction!! And he's NEVER dealt with the hurt caused by both parents, the fact that he could never depend on them emotionally or financially. The abuse by step parents, physically or verbally. He has a lot of baggage to deal with. He's an awesome dad to our son and a great guy but the moods are something else and I think it's those factors contributing to it.
I definitely am the target of his frustration and even though he won't ever come out and say it, he DOES blame me for his being unable to drink. We went to 1 counseling session with my therapist that did not end well. Granted he was still actively drinking, he felt that I set him up. he did not and still does not see that his drinking caused issues in our marriage....he felt that he stopped drinking for 14 years and we still had the same issues, so it's MY turn to make the changes...his words. What he did not acknowledge is that he stopped drinking for 14 years but he NEVER addressed any of the issues around the drinking. So basically, he was a dry drunk for 14 years.
Frankly, I'm surprised that he goes to his meetings too but he really seems to enjoy a couple of them, has even had a couple of AA friends to the house. But I truthfully think that he doesn't talk about much, he sits and listens mainly. He's VERY untrusting and won't confide in someone unless he's sure he can trust them.
I definitely am the target of his frustration and even though he won't ever come out and say it, he DOES blame me for his being unable to drink. We went to 1 counseling session with my therapist that did not end well. Granted he was still actively drinking, he felt that I set him up. he did not and still does not see that his drinking caused issues in our marriage....he felt that he stopped drinking for 14 years and we still had the same issues, so it's MY turn to make the changes...his words. What he did not acknowledge is that he stopped drinking for 14 years but he NEVER addressed any of the issues around the drinking. So basically, he was a dry drunk for 14 years.
Frankly, I'm surprised that he goes to his meetings too but he really seems to enjoy a couple of them, has even had a couple of AA friends to the house. But I truthfully think that he doesn't talk about much, he sits and listens mainly. He's VERY untrusting and won't confide in someone unless he's sure he can trust them.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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I have to say, the term "dry drunk" drives me insane. To me the definition of a dry drunk is a name relatives & friends use when they find they don't like the personality of their now sober family member. Maybe the guy is just a moody jackass with an ego the size of Texas. Maybe that is just who he is. Why does it have to do anything with drinking?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Originally Posted by Kboys 
"He sort of acts like since he's stopped drinking, he's done all he needs to do. Holds grudges against others. Has made little to no effort to move forward or take responsibility for the damage he has caused."
This^^^ was so frustrating for me as well... Like just stopping drinking makes it all better, and we should just get over it. If only it were that easy....
Aha!!! Exactly what I feel like with my abf who has recently relapsed.
All of a sudden all the progress he seemed to have made has stopped since he stopped going to AA and relapsed TWICE in the past 2-3 weeks. And he actually said to me today that '....it's like all the past progress I made doesn't mean anything to you....'
Which is a little warped, considering that he just relapsed twice and I am obviously worried that he is back to drinking again. Gah!
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Originally Posted by Ileana
I have to say, the term "dry drunk" drives me insane. To me the definition of a dry drunk is a name relatives & friends use when they find they don't like the personality of their now sober family member. Maybe the guy is just a moody jackass with an ego the size of Texas. Maybe that is just who he is. Why does it have to do anything with drinking?
I don't like the word either, however, it's a term that is used to describe someone who hasn't dealt with their issues but has stopped drinking. I definitely did not make those words up.
And since I know him pretty well, he's not just those things..I have seen him be one of the most kind, considerate, caring people I've met...I'm just not sure where that man has gone because now we have an angry, selfish, self centered, person since he's stopped drinking.
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