New and Exhausted
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: BC
Posts: 1
New and Exhausted
Hi there, I am new to the forums...I have no idea what to do, I am so lost, so sad, so tired....
I am a mom to an 11 month old beautiful boy, he is my pride and joy, a real angel of a baby, however my boyfriend is also a wondreful sweet man, a loving father, a hard worker, and an alcohol...He has been getting progressivly worse since my son was born, I threatened to leave about 9 months back and he cleaned up his act, but now is back to the same old habits, he smokes weed every day, multiple times on the weekend and I rarely see him without a beer in his hand these days. He is so sloppy he passes out on the couch almost every night of the week and leaves me to do everything with our son, I love my son but I would also love to not have to be the responsible one 24/7, I told him tonight I am worried that he won't clean up his act again, that I am tired of nagging him and crying over this, he told me I am manipulative and over-exaggerating, then proceeded to leave me and the baby go outside in the yard and get wasted. He came back in told me to pack my things, and get out by tomorrow. He is such a kind person when he is sober but a hideous monster when he's not, which is more often than not these days. He tells me I have my own problem because I am prescribed .5 ativan for when I have insomnia, and that I am just as bad as him for doing "drugs", I *rarely* take my ativan because I simply can't, I can't risk being under the influence if my son needed me, since my boyfriend is constantly high or drunk or a mixture. Why do I feel like the guilty one? I know he has a problem, yet I feel guilty for bringing it up. He told me tonight he will never stop smoking or drinking, and essentially that it is more important than his family. Do alcoholics twist your thoughts and emotions around? And deflect their self-loathing towards the people trying to help them?
Please, any feedback would be appreciated...I feel so awful and cruel right now
FYI: History on my bf, his mother left his father because his father was an alcoholic.
I am a mom to an 11 month old beautiful boy, he is my pride and joy, a real angel of a baby, however my boyfriend is also a wondreful sweet man, a loving father, a hard worker, and an alcohol...He has been getting progressivly worse since my son was born, I threatened to leave about 9 months back and he cleaned up his act, but now is back to the same old habits, he smokes weed every day, multiple times on the weekend and I rarely see him without a beer in his hand these days. He is so sloppy he passes out on the couch almost every night of the week and leaves me to do everything with our son, I love my son but I would also love to not have to be the responsible one 24/7, I told him tonight I am worried that he won't clean up his act again, that I am tired of nagging him and crying over this, he told me I am manipulative and over-exaggerating, then proceeded to leave me and the baby go outside in the yard and get wasted. He came back in told me to pack my things, and get out by tomorrow. He is such a kind person when he is sober but a hideous monster when he's not, which is more often than not these days. He tells me I have my own problem because I am prescribed .5 ativan for when I have insomnia, and that I am just as bad as him for doing "drugs", I *rarely* take my ativan because I simply can't, I can't risk being under the influence if my son needed me, since my boyfriend is constantly high or drunk or a mixture. Why do I feel like the guilty one? I know he has a problem, yet I feel guilty for bringing it up. He told me tonight he will never stop smoking or drinking, and essentially that it is more important than his family. Do alcoholics twist your thoughts and emotions around? And deflect their self-loathing towards the people trying to help them?
Please, any feedback would be appreciated...I feel so awful and cruel right now
FYI: History on my bf, his mother left his father because his father was an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hi Beyond Exhausted,
Welcome to SR, you have found a home for great advice, wisdom, understanding & compassion. My heart goes out to you & your baby. People will respond, keep reading & reading. The knowledge you'll gather will make things clearer. I just wanted to stay Welcome honey, I wish I felt wiser to share advice, but I'm gonna leave that to the real wise folks here. Welcome home though, best wishes. One thing I've learned: you didn't cause your man's addiction & you can't cure it. Second thing I've learned, take care of you & your son, love, Bernadette777
Welcome to SR, you have found a home for great advice, wisdom, understanding & compassion. My heart goes out to you & your baby. People will respond, keep reading & reading. The knowledge you'll gather will make things clearer. I just wanted to stay Welcome honey, I wish I felt wiser to share advice, but I'm gonna leave that to the real wise folks here. Welcome home though, best wishes. One thing I've learned: you didn't cause your man's addiction & you can't cure it. Second thing I've learned, take care of you & your son, love, Bernadette777
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Beyond, As are very good at deflecting responsibility so take all his blame for what it is, 'Quacking'. Do a search for the Quacking thread on this forum, and you'll see what I mean. You are not the problem - his alcoholism is.
Horrible though it is, you have to believe him when he tells you that drinking and smoking weed are more important to him than his family. I'm sure he loves you but he obviously doesn't believe he can clean up, and has no intention of trying. Where does this leave you?
Think about where you want yourself and your son to be in five years time, assuming your ABF doesn't clean up (and you have to assume he won't). Is that what you want for your little boy?
Horrible though it is, you have to believe him when he tells you that drinking and smoking weed are more important to him than his family. I'm sure he loves you but he obviously doesn't believe he can clean up, and has no intention of trying. Where does this leave you?
Think about where you want yourself and your son to be in five years time, assuming your ABF doesn't clean up (and you have to assume he won't). Is that what you want for your little boy?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: London
Posts: 20
Hi beyond, I am new here too but not new to living with What feels like "all the responsibility". It does sound like you have a huge amount on your shoulders. It sounds weird but the only way to work through it is by starting with you.
Accepting the situation as it really his rather than how you wish it would be is a big ask but one that needs to happen. I went to an Al anon meeting and picked up a card that helped me through those really tough times. It was all about living just for today.
We can get through anything if we concentrate on it being just for today. Just for today be kind to yourself, just for today do something for you, sending you love and hugs, keep coming back, support is right here xx
Accepting the situation as it really his rather than how you wish it would be is a big ask but one that needs to happen. I went to an Al anon meeting and picked up a card that helped me through those really tough times. It was all about living just for today.
We can get through anything if we concentrate on it being just for today. Just for today be kind to yourself, just for today do something for you, sending you love and hugs, keep coming back, support is right here xx
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
BeyondExhausted.....Welcome. I identify with being exhausted with a young child to care for!
The 3 C's.....You didn't Cause it....You can't Cure it....and, You can't Control it....
He doesn't sound like he is ready to get sober any time soon...He is under the control of the disease....and, that won't change unless and until he decides that he wants to change for himself. That could be years down the road..if ever.
I agree with what the others have said to you.
Honey, please accept any and all help that comes your way. This is too hard to do all on your own. There is help...and, you won't be alone.
You have to accept help and be willing to make changes...even if you don't want to...because the welfare for you and your baby are at stake.
Given his attitude...which he has shown you, very clearly, this is probably as good as it is going to get. The disease has a hold on him.
To answer your question, YES, this is typical behavior for an alcoholic who is defending his desire to continue drinking. Yes, they will "twist" your thoughts and emotions....and they will hurt the people who have tried to help them and love them the most.
Everybody on this forum....look--there are thousands---understand that part about being hurt by their alcoholic...be it a parent, child, or lover.
You are NOT being cruel!!! He is being cruel...but, he will not really see it because the alcohol is distorting h is mind and corrupting his morals.
You are stronger than you probably feel, right now. You will get through this!
dandylion
The 3 C's.....You didn't Cause it....You can't Cure it....and, You can't Control it....
He doesn't sound like he is ready to get sober any time soon...He is under the control of the disease....and, that won't change unless and until he decides that he wants to change for himself. That could be years down the road..if ever.
I agree with what the others have said to you.
Honey, please accept any and all help that comes your way. This is too hard to do all on your own. There is help...and, you won't be alone.
You have to accept help and be willing to make changes...even if you don't want to...because the welfare for you and your baby are at stake.
Given his attitude...which he has shown you, very clearly, this is probably as good as it is going to get. The disease has a hold on him.
To answer your question, YES, this is typical behavior for an alcoholic who is defending his desire to continue drinking. Yes, they will "twist" your thoughts and emotions....and they will hurt the people who have tried to help them and love them the most.
Everybody on this forum....look--there are thousands---understand that part about being hurt by their alcoholic...be it a parent, child, or lover.
You are NOT being cruel!!! He is being cruel...but, he will not really see it because the alcohol is distorting h is mind and corrupting his morals.
You are stronger than you probably feel, right now. You will get through this!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yes, it is typical behavior. No, there is no point in arguing with him. Alcoholism is an illogical disease; therefore, your attempts to have a conversation, point out the problems etc. will only result in blame shifting and quacking.
Your bf is not two people, he is just one. Regardless how nice he is when sober (which sounds seldom), the drunken belligerent person and the sober nice person are the same person. Believe him when he says he isn't going to stop drinking or smoking that is a fact. Alcohol IS more important to any active alcoholic than family, friends, career or anything else.
You feel guilt because you are co-dependent. Hallmarks of codependency - feeling guilty, feeling the need to "fix" people, sacrificing your own happiness, making decisions based on what is right for someone else instead of making decisions based on what is right for you, putting up with unacceptable behavior rather than upset the apple cart, trying to control and manage someone else's behavior via manipulation or failure to address situations to avoid arguments. The list is long these are but a few.
I highly recommend you start attending al- anon. This will give you some clarity in how to move forward, its about you and your issues not so much about your bf and his alcoholism.
Sorry you are going through this. There is a lot of support and education to be found here.
Your bf is not two people, he is just one. Regardless how nice he is when sober (which sounds seldom), the drunken belligerent person and the sober nice person are the same person. Believe him when he says he isn't going to stop drinking or smoking that is a fact. Alcohol IS more important to any active alcoholic than family, friends, career or anything else.
You feel guilt because you are co-dependent. Hallmarks of codependency - feeling guilty, feeling the need to "fix" people, sacrificing your own happiness, making decisions based on what is right for someone else instead of making decisions based on what is right for you, putting up with unacceptable behavior rather than upset the apple cart, trying to control and manage someone else's behavior via manipulation or failure to address situations to avoid arguments. The list is long these are but a few.
I highly recommend you start attending al- anon. This will give you some clarity in how to move forward, its about you and your issues not so much about your bf and his alcoholism.
Sorry you are going through this. There is a lot of support and education to be found here.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome. I'm sorry you're in this situation--everything is more complicated when you have children.
Do you have family you could live with for a while, until you can make other arrangements? I do think you would benefit greatly from Al-Anon, but it sounds as if home life is very tense right now, and you sound exhausted.
Hugs,
Do you have family you could live with for a while, until you can make other arrangements? I do think you would benefit greatly from Al-Anon, but it sounds as if home life is very tense right now, and you sound exhausted.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Hi BeyondExhausted. Welcome. I can sympathize with what you are going through. You have already been given some great advice. I would also recommend Al-Anon and also, reading as much as possible to educate yourself on alcoholism and co-dependency. I just started reading Getting Them Sober and have found it to be very insightful in explaining how the alcoholic thinks and how our codependent actions actually can contribute to their disease.
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