thequest

Rant and a warning.

Denial, at first we were in denial about a serious substance abuse issue wether it be alcohol or drugs. Then finally most realized there were issues. But now there is theft, discovered theft and pieces of the puzzle so to speak are coming together.

Alkie/addict was found to have been using a credit card number from a card used to help catch him up on some bills(and we thought no cash was a good thing). This has gone on for several months now, yet the card holder is afraid to confront the alkie/addict because of a nasty confrontation or they'll be pushed into depression(no sympathy from me at this point). We not at the police yet.

But over the last year the alkie/addict has complained bitterly about friends calling him out on billing discrepancies in a common venture as being anal or a nit picker. He volunteered to do the billing years ago. Included were over charges on those who gave him their credit card info to pay the bill for hundreds of dollars. The addict/alkie was found to have been rooting through drawers and closets in common areas when staying with family. The alkie/addict has admitted to selling a lot of stuff in the past he claimed wouldn't get a good price for. Throw in some missing gift cards and cash we're pretty sure the alkie/addict is flatout stealing from people on top of his lying and scamming/scheming behavior. Also over this last year he has shown out of the blue asking for a place stay with a vague story on why is wasn't where he was.(must wonder if he got caught or didn't pay etc)

I realize many have suffered far greater theft than we have so far but this is different territory for family since were talking about a full fledged gray hair man acting like a teenage boy.

This is just a rant I guess. But if smells and walks like a duck it probably is. Just remember there is a fine line between help and enabling and never underestimate the desperation or low morals of an addict/alkie. And things can and will probably get worse before they get better.

Falseclaimsact

Missing, unaccounted for, or otherwise funny money is my first tip off that something is not right.

I have spent time wondering how large amounts of money appeared where I thought there was none. Just an example of the same problem from a different angle.

cynical one

We teach them well.

In all of this, I have only one regret...and that is not following through on pressing theft charges. Not only did I teach him that stealing from me was OK, had I had the courage to do the right thing at the time... he would have been in jail and not had the opportunity to commit a most heinous act a week later.

Like suicide threats, acts of crime should be taken seriously each and every time.

mnh1982

Yep. That's my exAH to a tee. Even when faced with absolute facts, he would still say "it wasn't him" or "He had no idea what I was talking about".

Fortunately, he never made off with any large sum of money. But he did take a laptop, and numerous gift cards & small amounts of cash that others gave to our son. To A BABY. He literally stole FROM A BABY.

So I kicked his ass out of our apartment, reported him as having stolen my car, & trespassed him from my building, which is on record with the local troopers.

Depression is handled without criminal, negligent, violent or addict behavior by thousands of people nationwide.

Just remember that whatever it is (bad childhood, depression, stress, whatever), it may be a REASON for a behavior.

But nothing is an EXCUSE.

thequest

One of the tips or signs besides missing or unauthorized use of finances has been an in your face reaction/protest against the mere soft suggestion that they get "a" job so they can buy all the small things they beg, grovel, lie or scheme money for. It's like one of those reality shows where the contestant walks off the stage. They don't want to hear it. It would be funny if it was not so serious. They held a grudge against that person and acted like a punished dog around them completely avoiding them. Negative behavior has become much more prominent over the last year alone.

JOIE12

if your neighbor or a repair man stole from you, would you press charges ?

mnh1982

HA. That one is my favorite:

"I'm TRYING to get a job. But it's just really hard for me. <insert lie about doing under the table work>".

"So..if you have all this work you're doing, where's the money?"

*silence*

Riiighhht.

thequest

I'm the type of person that likes a smoking gun or 100% undeniable evidence . Then you confront the person-police, eviction? When people don't give a hoot there isn't much else to do. Sometimes if the right person confronts them they'll listen, for a while anyway. This is where the family gets stumped because they are afraid to come down too hard pushing them over the edge wether it's violent confrontation or into depression.

Ann

Like Cynical One, my biggest regret is that I did not press charges against my son each and every time he stole....including the first time. It cost us tens of thousands of dollars, embarrassment when he stole from visiting friends and family, scammed neighbours and even business customers...yikes...the list was endless.

There is NO excuse for stealing, unless you steal bread for a starving child. It is a red flag, for us even more than them because when we are willing to be victimized rather than confront our addicted loved one, then WE are in serious trouble and need to find help. I know this, I was there and done that.

Active addicts steal, from anyone they can, and they lie about it. That's what active addicts do. And they will do it over and over again until we say "enough" and press charges.

And if you want "proof" they are stealing, leave a $20 bill sitting around and see how fast it disappears. And if you want proof that they lie, ask them if they took it.

For me, my instincts were all the proof I needed.

Hugs

FeelingGreat

Hi the quest, so he gets aggressive and violent, or does a world-class guilt trip and emotional manipulation to fend off any questions about his stealing? He's got it all sorted, but only with your permission.

Even if you don't want to confront him, you can cut off any possibility of him stealing more. So cancel the card, make sure he's not responsible for any financial transactions, hide your valuables. Make 100% sure all access is cut off. He can't complain if he's not stealing (as he contends).

Assume that if he has the opportunity to steal he will so be very careful about where you leave your money.

atalose

And usually while waiting to find that gun – it keeps shooting you over and over again.

NoelleR

A person doesn't steal because he's an addict; he steals because he's a thief.

(o:
NoelleR

hopepraylove

My ex burned through $5,000 in a little over a week...he claims someone "stole" his credit card and "spent the money..." The sad thing is...you'll never really know the whole story (and/or) the truth...

Sending you hugs.

Ann

With respect, Noelle, my experience with my son was to watch someone who would never steal anything ever, an honest, respectable young man turn into a callous thief who would go to great extremes to steal enough to buy his drugs.

My son was not a thief until he became addicted, then he became both an active addict and a thief.

Just my own experience.

Hugs

JOIE12

I agree Ann. My XABF wouldn't take a thing from anyone until he became a heroin addict. He fought really hard NOT to take from anyone even then but as luck would have it, every one in a while, he pulled a trick or actually took what wasn't his. The addiction manipulates them as they manipulate us.