sunshinemvp32

We came here as a family of 3 when I was 9. Dad was going to work as an engineer at a start up here in silicon valley. Both of my parents have Master's in engineering.

My dad has a drinking problem, mom always took care of him and made excuses for him. Long story short, dad lost his job years ago, never wanted to find another one because he was so offended that he was laid off. Pissed through all the money we had, the house. EVERYTHING. Now they live in a crummy apartment, while mom takes care of the elderly, morning to dawn and he does nothing but sit on the couch with his bad back. Both of them never learned English, never really adapted to America and now they have absolutely nothing to get them through the old age.

I am terrified. I do pretty good for myself, but by no means can I afford to take care of them both. They don't take care of themselves or the things they have. Their cars are filthy, falling apart. I feel like they are just dying slowly and I can't do anything about it.

I am no longer sad about any of this or even angry for that matter. But I am frightened that all of their health problems and lack of financial stability will fall on my shoulders. I can't support them. In fact I refuse to support HIM. The idea of it all makes me so pissed. I would be ok trying to help my mom out somehow, but not him.

What can I do? Do I have any options? Anything?

Anyone can relate to my story?

happybeingme

That's a tough one. Does your dad qualify for social security or Medicare? How about your mom? When both parents are sick like yours are there really isn't much too do. If you don't want to help physically or financially you are not required to. If you want to you can but make a list of what you can help with and how much. Maybe a weekly bag of groceries or a weekly house cleaner. But, remember they are adults and you are not obligated to help. You have your own life to take care of.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this but am so glad you found us

SeriousKarma

Hi Sunshine, and welcome to the forum. It's great to meet another local here. I grew up just north of San Jose, and still go home every year or so to visit family.

It sounds like you're living under an amazing amount of stress. Alcoholism eats through a families finances like termites do wood. I can see why you wouldn't want to take on this burden.

You didn't mention your parents ages. Are they elderly, or are they still young enough to get out and get a decent job? The language issue can't be that big of a deal if your father was able to get that first job.

silentrun

I can relate. I have no idea how it is actually going to go so I am interested in what other people have to say. I have even planned financially having to take care of my mom into my retirement plan. I realized how ridiculous this is because she does nothing to help herself. I can't fix a lifetime of poor choices and like happy said, it's not my job to either. If called on to help I will do what I can afford to, both financially and emotionally, and I will do no more than that.

sunshinemvp32

They are 56, the issue he has no desire to do anything. Blames the world constantly. I think he has borderline personality disorder on top of that. He is too stubborn and won't listen to anyone. We both pleated for him to go look for another job, to put out his resumes when the time was still good. He has been out of the industry for about 10 years. It is very different now. The tech guys they get are all young and know the latest and greatest. He looks sick, dresses bad, and just has a negative and sad attitude on top of it all. My mom is the care taker. She is too soft for anything. Hates any confrontation doesn't push herself, gives up easy, doesn't have any interest to do anything get out of the house. They both seem very depressed. It's just so frustrating how they are just floating by day in and day out.

nice to know a local too! Where from?

sunshinemvp32

yeah that's what I feel like. I am actually staying with them till I find a place as I am going through a divorce myself (for the better, I married an alcoholic and BPD - go figure). SO I try to help, but my mom refuses any help. But then when rent comes around she has no choice but to ask if I can help. It's like she thinks it will all magically work out! I am more of a realist.

sunshinemvp32

Well I think they are on Medicare... but not too sure. They have Medical, is that the same thing? Yeah, that is basically what I think. But then when I think of them ending up on the streets, my heart sinks, you know? The sad part is I have childhood memories where we were happy and had it together and he wasn't drinking for a while at one point. It's just all too sad. I see a therapist once a week and she has been great in helping me cope.

FeelingGreat

Sunshine, would they be any happier in their country of origin, amongst family and friends? They aren't living any sort of life where they are, and going back to where they can speak the language and see other's socially might help? Are there any family members who could talk to them about it, or even just support you?
If you haven't had contact with family members much, don't let that stop you contacting them. I'm sure they'd be happy to hear from you.