coldrose

Hi everyone. Originally, I was going to write a long, involved post about my situation, but I think the question at the heart of the matter is really the important thing.

I'm in a situation where, due to a break up and subsequent reconciliation, I am the sole tenant on a lease that my ABF and I were supposed to share.

I'm having a really difficult time enforcing the boundary "you cannot stay here if you drink or you're drunk." He doesn't have any place in the city to go, aside from a hotel. He relapsed last night after a series of unfortunate events sent him over the edge after 3 weeks of sobriety. I know that isn't long by most standards, but he's been sober for much longer before, and all things point to him genuinely making an effort to change his behavior and communication when he's not drinking.

It's hard because I want to let it slide because I feel he's been making a concerted effort. But then it sometimes turns into more than one night, or we get in bad situations where we fight, or I make the situation worse because he won't let me sleep.

I'm wondering if you guys have any advice about enforcing this sort of boundary? Have you ever had to call the police? I can't monitor him all the time, so if I get home and he's drunk, I'm not sure what to do at that point if he refuses to leave (and starts making a scene about it which could potentially annoy the neighbors and get me evicted).

Any advice or stories about your own journey in boundary enforcement is much appreciated.

FeelingGreat

Hi coldrose, this is a problem with setting a boundary if you can't follow through with for practical reasons. While not having him in the house while he's drinking is a reasonable boundary, you can't physically move him out unless he wants to go, and arguing with a drunk is not recommended.

Another problem is that he presumably has a set of keys. Can you get them off him?

It might be worth doing some research on whether you can evict him but there should be no coming and going in this situation; he would have to be out permanently.

It seems the best course might be for you two to live apart which means evicting him. Maybe get a room mate instead. That way he doesn't have access unless you invite him in.

PS Not letting you sleep is abuse.

SmallButMighty

I had a hard time learning that making rules and setting boundaries were two different things.

I tried to enforce my rules on my STBXAH and that worked about as well as a lead balloon.

When I learned that setting boundaries was about me, not him, things started to change. I set boundaries for my life and then I had to decide what *I* was willing to do if he crossed them. It wasn't about what he did or didn't do, it was about how I chose to react to the situation. It put me in control of me.

I set a boundary in my life that I would not live with active alcoholism in my home. When I had finally had enough of him crossing that boundary, when I realized he was never going to respect what I wanted for my life... I chose to respect myself enough to leave our family home in order to protect my mental and emotional health. It was not easy to do. It broke his heart and mine. I am a happier, healthier person without his alcoholism in my life. But of course that is just my story and everyone is own their own path.

I'm glad you are here coldrose. I hope you stick around.

honeypig

Hi, coldrose--glad to see you found us here at SR. I hope you find the support and information you're looking for here.

With regards to "enforcing a boundary"--boundaries are not something that needs to be "enforced" on another person. Boundaries are actions that you yourself will take in certain situations, not rules about what someone else must do. "You cannot stay here if you drink or you're drunk" is a rule. "I will not stay here if you drink or are drunk" is a boundary. Do you see the difference there?

With that said, it's certainly your right to ask that he not come to your place if he's been drinking. If the place you live is yours and yours alone, I'd guess you could also have him removed if the need arose. Others here have more knowledge in this area and I'm sure they'll be along to comment. My question is this: Why would you want to continue to be involved w/someone who you had to call the police on? You don't need to answer that here, just maybe think about it.

You mention that "a series of unfortunate events" sent him "over the edge" recently. I'd like to suggest that the events didn't make him drink, he chose to drink in response to those events rather than seek support at AA or some other program. There were other ways to handle the stress; he chose the bottle. "Letting things slide" b/c he's "making a concerted effort" is probably not going to be a long-term answer here--there will always be some "unfortunate event" that will cause him to drink, or some happy event that will need celebrating, or some boring time that needs livening up, or...you get the picture, right?

He doesn't drink b/c of any of those outside reasons, he drinks b/c he is an alcoholic, and that is what they do. It is not your fault. You cannot control it. You cannot fix him.

The only person you can fix is you, and coming here is a good start. Keep reading, keep posting. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. This thread is a good place to start: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I'd also suggest looking into Alanon for yourself for some face-to-face support.

Wishing you strength and clarity as you move forward.

shil2587

Hey coldrose. I have literally just been through the exact same thing. Yesterday I had to enforce that very same boundary. I am in the same position. I am also the only named tenant.

Last time, yes, I called the police on the basis that he was not letting me free access to my apartment (he was blocked the door). They were great. They sat with him and talked him into going to the hospital. I packed a bag for him and said he could not come back until he was sober. He went to a hotel.

Yesterday, I woke up from a stupor, packed his bag and demanded his key. We had agreed that drinking would not happen in my flat or around me.

No-matter what the reason, no-matter what the financial situation. If he chooses to drink, he can choose to find a way to finance that by himself, including hotel fees. It can be done lovingly, but please don't be afraid to be firm. I just had to keep repeating that this is what we had agreed. It took 30 minutes or so, but he did leave.

If yours refuses, I would reccommend calling the police to report him as being a danger to himself and to you. They will talk you through getting away from him and the property and they will usually come themselves to de-escalate and take him to the hospital.

I know exactly how difficult this is, but I promise, it feels so good to stand your ground and take back peace where you live. He has chosen to do this, he is capable of buying booze therefore he is capable of paying for a hotel.

PM me if you want. I am here.

LexieCat

Hi, coldrose,

By letting him live with you when he has nowhere else to go, you may have effectively made your home his residence. I'd suggest calling a lawyer to find out what your rights are. You might have to go through formal eviction proceedings if he doesn't agree to leave on his own.

If the law makes this his residence you can't simply kick him out whenever you want him to leave--any more than your landlord could simply decide s/he doesn't like your lifestyle and physically remove you.

I'd suggest telling him he has to make other living arrangements. If he refuses to go, you need legal advice. You've put yourself in an untenable position.

shil2587

Unfortunately, at least in the UK, landlords can do exactly that. They don't even have to give a reason.

coldrose

Thank you for this. I forget it's really all about what I am willing to do, and I have to remember that I must be confident enough to know that I can and will carry it out when I must.

I also forget sometimes that it helps to start small and work up to bigger things. I don't necessarily need the courage to call the police; the courage to leave an unpleasant situation will suffice.

healthyagain

If he is on the lease, I am not really sure if you can do much about it, meaning make him leave. He is drinking in his home or he is being in his home drunk. I could not make my stbxah leave. And he made hell out of our home. In the end, there was no one peaceful evening, one good holiday or weekend. He knew I had no place to go. He would make me upset and enjoy while I was sobbing. I'll never forget that sadistic look full of hate.

To cut the long story short, I left my home. I finally managed to enforce my boundary of not wanting to live with an alcoholic, abusive alcoholic. Then he kept coming to my new place drunk, "to see the dog." He was also coming to the swimming pool drunk, under my balcony. He kept lying how he had "only one drink," while the bank statements clearly showed he was buying liquor every day. I simply stopped arguing. The distance helped me to pull myself back together. Then I filed for divorce. That was step two of enforcing my boundary. Husband never knew of my plans.

If there was a way to kick my AH out, I certainly would have done it. I did not want to leave my home, and I find it unfair, but it seems that was the only way.

But, that's ok. I'm building my little nest again, alone.