Keeping it in the day

Hi guys, not doing so well at the moment and have just taken weekend off work. I seem to be stuck in reverse, one step forward, 10 steps back

I would like to know if there are any other nurses active on the forum at the moment? I don't understand how I can enjoy my work so much making a difference in other people's lives yet cannot afford myself the same privilege of looking after myself.

Evenings are my demon. I love my coffee and squash during the day but at night I am into the wine. A few probing questions at work during casual chats on breaks has revealed that a lot of my colleagues drink well in excess of the government guidelines and never worry about it.



I took a year off work in 2013 and had inpatient detox and 3 months rehab but still chasing the bottle nearly 2 years later. Never drink in the morning or at work. I just don't seem to be able to relax at night without my "reward" I was 55 kilos in 2010. Now I am 85 and there is a fat, red bloated, sweaty stranger in my mirror every morning.

I am in a small town and AA meetings are not an option as I may see a local person even 2 towns over and I know from experience that anonymity is not always upheld

Lost 7 years of my life in the blink of an eye.
Just out of interest has anyone ever tried aversion therapy?

Thanks for listening

Soberwolf

I'm not a nurse but my late mother was and I can listen

Keeping it in the day

Thanks Soberwolf, I feel like such a Hippocrite and as I mentioned no one else seems to think that it is a problem. I told a very close colleague once that I thought I was in dangerous territory and her answer was to tell me not be be ridiculous and that alcoholics were people with vodka in brown paper bags. She was a very experienced nurse working in A & E and offered to go to a meeting with me just to prove her point. I ended up going on my own and as soon as the speaker opened his mouth I knew I was reading from the same page. That was in London where AA meetings are very accessible and you can travel a few tube stations to one and not worry about who will be there. I am on the South Coast in a beautiful area but sometimes I wonder if I should go back to London for this reason? 10 moves since 2010 but my head still faithfully accompanies me at every one.

hpdw

Hiya , Im not a nurse but do 4 x12 hours nights on and 4 off and similar to you I never drink on work days then hammer it on days off . Its interesting how we think our reward is wine or beer or whatever drink it might be but the reward is the thing that is causing the problems . I also live in a small UK village so I know what you mean .

I dont know about your stress/anxiety situation but ive became an active member of a site Anxiety Attacks - anxietycentre.com and I use this together with SR . There is a small subscription fee but this is the best site I have ever came across . I have read a multitude of books and tried various techniques but not Aversion therapy . I relate to your analogy of being stuck too , I wish I had a pound for every time I said to myself F**** ive done it again . I also have 2 years of AA behind me 2008-2010 but still went back out .
The main thing is you are aware and are looking at options , You will get there .

Bless

sugarbear1

In my area, there are some "unknown" meetings that just have medical people in them.....

Keeping it in the day

Where a outs are you?

Keeping it in the day

Sorry, whereabouts are you? Would like to hear more

hpdw

Near Edinburgh myself . I used to travel farther afield to meetings so that no one would see me but to be honest I think I caused myself more stress by trying to hide . We actually have a meeting in the village now .................. Its a pride thing kind off ............ I can hear the gossips now "who ? never !!!! .

A closet drinker bravely smiling at the world next day while jittering inside mopping sweat of my brow even on a cold day sneaking to the corner shop , its no way to live .

Let it all out you will feel better .

dwtbd

keeping it
Have you ever looked into AVRT or Rational Recovery? There is a lot of information about it here on SR in the Secular Connections forum.
People can do 'quit on their own', but really in the grand scheme everyone does just as we are all autodidacts, we all have to do the processing individually.
I found the material extremely helpful, I highly recommend at least looking into it.

Keeping it in the day

I am in the UK . Have visited Endinburgh and like your part of the country very much. Yeah the sweat I can relate to, even on days it was snowing!! Like a swan. Very peaceful on the surface but legs scrabbling like mad underneath

hpdw

I reached my so called gutter level ( well worst since the pre AA days ) on holiday 19 -26 aug . I was virtually immobilized with withdrawal , wasted my wifes, sons and his gf last day because I wouldn't/couldn't participate on a planned canal tour in Amsterdam . I was in bed . Next day was departure day and I was crying with frustration because I could only ( or so I though ) face the journey if I had more drink which I did ALL day . Got home after what seems an eternity wrenching ,sweating trembling = gutter level ................ so here I am 4 days sober having joined SR .

PurpleKnight

Addiction is a real thing, people will drink themselves to death before turing a corner, the consequences are starring them in the face but still no change!!

Regardless of profession it can affect anyone, the important thing is to get a plan together and make Sobriety happen, you can do this!!

Keeping it in the day

Well done on joining. You can do Amsterdam when you are up and running again. Nice city but boy can the Europeans drink!!

thomas11

I can very much relate to the reward system. I lived by it. But its not a reward, its a one way trip to hell (in the long run). I feel for you, but with determination and effort you can and deserve a peaceful rewarding life. I wish you the very best.

Keeping it in the day

Thank you Thomas. I am working on it. All the very best to you,
Jude

hpdw

Off to bed happy and sober . X Factor would sober anyone up , giggles .

Thomas11 your right and thank you .

Keeping in the day : sleep sound

Keeping it in the day

X factor, lol, sleep tight