Butterfly

It's my 40th birthday this weekend and I've been dreading it, on my own getting divorced at this age, this is when life is supposed to be settled and happy, is it not!!

Anyway my wonderful kids and friends have really gone out of their way to make it special and today my friends have organised a day out but I've no idea what's planned lol! My kids took me out for dinner last night and I'm going to a concert tomorrow. I really do appreciate what they are doing but I just want to lie about and hide I have no enthusiasm.

I know I sound really selfish and honestly I'm not I love them all but I just want lie about and cry !!

Ananda

Butterfly hug

divorce is hard (hug)

for me, letting others help me do something fun can be a big help cause you might find yourself actually enjoying parts.

But if you have weepy moments and sad moments.. don't feel guilty (hug)

I call it "living in the bounce" we have moments of joy and moments of pain back to back in rapid succession. That to me is normal (hug)

I hope you can enjoy any high points and accept any sadness as you work through this day (hug).

Butterfly

Thank you ananda

Eauchiche

Hey Butterfly!
Sometimes I tell myself that I could always go back. I work my program and trust in my higher power to keep from doing just that. If I did, two lives would be on a downward spiral again.
My birthday was the end of July, and I spent it alone. I was NOT alone, however, and it was a good day.
May this birthday for you, be a threshold of new beginnings!

LexieCat

I think the thing to do is to go with an open mind. You don't have to FORCE yourself to feel happy, if you don't feel that way, but go with the possibility you MIGHT experience a few moments of enjoyment. Try to erase all expectations for how you MIGHT feel.

If you stay home "lying about and crying" you're pretty much guaranteed to have a miserable day. If you go, you might be miserable for a short time or not at all. Sounds like a pretty good reason to give it a shot.

FeelingGreat

Butterfly, your life is moving on, and even though you're kicking, screaming and dragging your heels, you're moving on with it. I bet you've had more enforced personal growth in the last year than in the previous ten.

Sit back and let them make a fuss of you. I won't say look like you're enjoying it, because I bet you will.

Broncosys

Butterfly, you are young and have 50 (yes 50!!!) incredible years in front of you. So many of us would trade time with you. As far as everyone being settled and happy at 40, that is generally a load of nonsense. We all have our moments of sadness and joy. All of us, each one, addict or otherwise. Do not waste a half-century (yes, a half-century!!!) lying about and crying because you don't have something that simply does not exist. You are special Butterfly and don't ever forget it.

redatlanta

Yeah at 40 I was still trying to figure life out. Still am at 48. The idea that you would be settled at 40 and skipping down the road is a fable. I'm not saying one can't be happy at 40, but life is ever changing, and far from over at 40.

Its simply a new chapter and not a bad thing. I think we figure life out and become more settled at around 70. Thats how long it takes.

Happy Birthday and have a wonderful day! You have a marvelous future ahead of you!

Butterfly

Thank you everyone. I'm all ready and waiting on my chariot.

healthyagain

You know butterfly, what is wrong with us is that we are only human. And you also sound depressed, just want to lie down and cry. Perhaps you should, just let it all out. There is a point in life when we simply cannot suppress our true emotions anymore. But after you cry, you might feel better, see that the sun is out, take a deep breath, and get ready for that concert and have a damn good time.

You know why I love weather forecast channel so much? Because, when there is a stormy day on Monday, you can see in advance when the whole week after is going to be sunny.

And as they say, this too shall pass.

FeelingGreat

Like Bodacea?

50008-boudicca-in-her-chariot-illustration.jpg

honeypig

This is so great, healthyagain!

And I love the Boudicea reference, FeelingGreat.

Butterfly, I could have written your original post here word for word 6 years ago. I was 49, and I DID NOT want to face starting over at 50. Like you, I felt I should have my life in order, a direction chosen, everything in place, and progress being made. I did NOT want to face the facts of who my AH really was, and equally as much, I did not want to face the facts of who I really was. It led to 4 more years of getting nowhere, doing no work on myself, waiting for AH to change (which was NEVER going to happen b/c he was only going thru the barest of motions to appease me). Two years ago I came here and began to learn and grow and slowly see what needed to be done to get where I wanted to be.

My divorce is about 2 months old now. Some days I'm fine, and I feel happy about the freedom I now have, even in areas like buying groceries that I like, not worrying about whether someone else will eat them. Other days I'm a wreck and the smallest thing will set me crying. For instance, he had a pendulum clock that I listened to the tick of for the 21 years we were together. Now the clock is gone. Of course, I frequently look at the wall where it was out of habit, and when I don't see it or hear it, I can start a downward spiral that can last all day.

You know what? I'm going to buy some beautiful, wonderful, uplifting poster or picture and hang it EXACTLY where that damn clock used to be! That way, instead of feeling sad for the absence of what used to be there, I can feel happy and strong about what is taking its place!

And as others have said, this might be a great strategy for you too. Just get yourself physically to those festivities, do your best to not have any expectations, and see what unfolds. I bet it will be something you never imagined...

Remember what a wise person here on SR said: Recovery is being asked to give up everything you know to get something better that you don't understand yet. Words to live by!

53500

I separated shortly before I turned 40. In no way, shape or form was my life happy or settled when I was 40.

You know what? Although my life could be called settled before my separation - husband, house, kids - it wasn't happy. Hence the separation.

Divorce is brutal. But you get through it, we all do, and your life will improve immeasurably. I'm now pushing 60 and my life is about a zillion times better than when I was 40.

There is a saying, "Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it."

Don't mean to be flip about it. The pain is bad. But people do it because the pain of not doing it is worse.

Happy Birthday!

Lilro

First off.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Just a little something to ponder, better to be 40 than not, no?

Life is full of crazy curves in the road, you still have your whole life ahead of you. I didn't think I'd be in this position either and I'm 11 almost 12 years older than you but you know what? It is what it is and for me there is no point being miserable about it. Yes, as you all know, I have my moments but life is truly a gift. So...... Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, put on a gorgeous red lipstick and enjoy this milestone... Woohoo!!! You made it!!!
Much love on your birthday,
Ro

SparkleKitty

I really thought my life was over at age 32 when the house of cards I built fell apart and my first marriage imploded in a sea of my ACoA issues. I had no choice but to dive into recovery, but at the time, I couldn't recognize or articulate that 'recovering' was what I was doing. It was really hard to see the long game in the middle of all that discovery and pain.

I just turned 44 a couple of months ago and my life has never been better. It will *never* be perfect or "settled" and I say, thank goodness for that! I look back on those years after my first divorce and I no longer cringe at all; instead I am grateful for every little thing that led me on the road to recovery, good and bad.

Happy birthday, B. As usual my message to you is that you are doing a lot bette than it probably feels like you are.

Timetoheal12

Butterfly, you are not being selfish, you are letting yourself be human, and that is great!

Please, don't feel bad. Have a nice birthday and, if you need to cry, then do so.

I hope things get better for you, hugs!

NYCDoglvr

Count your blessings -- there are people who care about you and show it by trying to make the day special. Enjoy!

amy55

Have a terrific birthday. You deserve it !!!!!!!!!!!!!

(((((((hugs)))))))
amy

Tansy

I spent the whole of my last 54 th birthday alone. Completely alone. It was an awful day. A friend came round on the night with a cake and I ended up sleeping with him. It turned into a good night after that but not a healthy behavour and out of character for me. I don't regret it but I will never forget that birthday for many reasons.

LexieCat

Oh, and SHEESH! I forgot to wish you HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Many, many more, and may each be happier than the last.