Bawling my eyes out...
Broken Heart of Gold
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Bawling my eyes out...
...so please excuse any typos!
I just got off the phone with the matriarch of my family - my 93 year old Grandma. She called to thank me for something, and started talking about our lunch at the restaurant today. The waitress commented about my son - he's almost 2 1/2 now, and she recalled a time about a year ago when we were at the same restaurant and how much he had grown. We don't go there very often, but somehow she remembered that time, and another time when he was wearing squeaky shoes. The waitress must have a great memory, or my son is pretty special (aren't they all though?!).
The my Grandma proceeds to go on about there's something about my son that people are drawn to & remember...I guess some sort of toddler charisma lol I began to bawl my eyes out because his dad used to say this about him (his dad has 4 older kids too) - and it breaks my heart that he's too consumed in his alcoholism and addictive behaviour to even ask how his kids are doing, let alone be a part of their lives. No, he's too busy finding new women to fool. Too busy squandering what little he has left from a once very successful business. Too busy spending time with those who do not object his actions or careless behaviour. He hasn't seen or asked about his kids since I walked out on June 4.
Ugh. It breaks my heart. I know I did the right thing by leaving, but the cravings still linger. I still yearn for the man I caught glimpses of. The past few days have been suddenly emotional and I don't know why. Thank you for reading.
I just got off the phone with the matriarch of my family - my 93 year old Grandma. She called to thank me for something, and started talking about our lunch at the restaurant today. The waitress commented about my son - he's almost 2 1/2 now, and she recalled a time about a year ago when we were at the same restaurant and how much he had grown. We don't go there very often, but somehow she remembered that time, and another time when he was wearing squeaky shoes. The waitress must have a great memory, or my son is pretty special (aren't they all though?!).
The my Grandma proceeds to go on about there's something about my son that people are drawn to & remember...I guess some sort of toddler charisma lol I began to bawl my eyes out because his dad used to say this about him (his dad has 4 older kids too) - and it breaks my heart that he's too consumed in his alcoholism and addictive behaviour to even ask how his kids are doing, let alone be a part of their lives. No, he's too busy finding new women to fool. Too busy squandering what little he has left from a once very successful business. Too busy spending time with those who do not object his actions or careless behaviour. He hasn't seen or asked about his kids since I walked out on June 4.
Ugh. It breaks my heart. I know I did the right thing by leaving, but the cravings still linger. I still yearn for the man I caught glimpses of. The past few days have been suddenly emotional and I don't know why. Thank you for reading.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
BlackSabbath.......if you added together all the tears of those of us who have cried the same way you are crying...over the sadness of it all.....it would raise the water table of the whole planet Earth.
This is normal.....a normal part of the whole grieving process, which you are surely going through. There are so many emotions in grief.....and waves of sadness are a part of that. Sure, this was triggered by your sweet grandma.......
and, the sadness has to come, sometimes, in order for you to be able to process this....
Crying is Nature's way of removing the excess negative energy and pain from your body. There is actually a physiologic reason for it....
did you know that scientists h ave actually measured the stress hormones in certain tears (not all tears h ave it).
Go ahead and cry...and let the tears wash away the sadness....
You are on your way to healing...even though you don't feel like it, right now.
****there could be other factors that facilitate the onset of these normal emotions......like the time of the month (don't forget that).....or certain anniversaries.....etc....
I promise you that it won't always feel like this.
dandylion
This is normal.....a normal part of the whole grieving process, which you are surely going through. There are so many emotions in grief.....and waves of sadness are a part of that. Sure, this was triggered by your sweet grandma.......
and, the sadness has to come, sometimes, in order for you to be able to process this....
Crying is Nature's way of removing the excess negative energy and pain from your body. There is actually a physiologic reason for it....
did you know that scientists h ave actually measured the stress hormones in certain tears (not all tears h ave it).
Go ahead and cry...and let the tears wash away the sadness....
You are on your way to healing...even though you don't feel like it, right now.
****there could be other factors that facilitate the onset of these normal emotions......like the time of the month (don't forget that).....or certain anniversaries.....etc....
I promise you that it won't always feel like this.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Black Sabbath-unfortunately this is all too common with A's. Doesn't make it easier. Hugs to you-I've so been there, and still have my days but it had gotten easier after finally accepting exactly who my ex IS now-rather than remembering the good person he was, as that person does not exist anymore. I'm so sorry. Peace to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
And what dandy says is true-that time of the month or any anniversary, birthday can bring out those emotions. Just feel them, let them out, hit a punching bag ( I invested in one-does wonders), and let it go. HE has to answer to God for his actions and I can promise you that no matter what he shows you that unless he's a true psychopath, he ain't sleeping well at night.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
BlackSabbath, hon, It get's better. Trust me on this. It's going to get better.
Your tears are healthy. You're facing the sadness that has fallen upon you square in the face. Something your son's dad isn't able to do.
How beautiful it is that you're son is able to spend time with his 93 year old great grandmother. How beautiful that she's still healthy enough to find joy in him. Yes, the beauty of this life makes the tragedy of your ex's addiction all the more stark. But would you have it any other way?
Cry as loud and as long as you need to. (Come on guys. Let's get those water tables rising. There's always a drought somewhere on the planet that could use our help.) You'll find as time goes on you'll get triggered less and less.
((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))
Your tears are healthy. You're facing the sadness that has fallen upon you square in the face. Something your son's dad isn't able to do.
How beautiful it is that you're son is able to spend time with his 93 year old great grandmother. How beautiful that she's still healthy enough to find joy in him. Yes, the beauty of this life makes the tragedy of your ex's addiction all the more stark. But would you have it any other way?
Cry as loud and as long as you need to. (Come on guys. Let's get those water tables rising. There's always a drought somewhere on the planet that could use our help.) You'll find as time goes on you'll get triggered less and less.
((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
BS- I am sorry you are hurting, we all feel you pain, and mourn our A's that we have had to cut ties with. Hugs my friend. I also copied this post from an A a while back, I think it will hit home.
"Life was all about facilitating drinking. My partner was a 'bit player' to support/enable me. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and it is 100% typical of an alcoholic. We make terrible partners because - and this will be hard for you to hear - we love alcohol far more than we love our own partners. We will sacrifice anything, relationships with family, our business, our self respect, anything, to feed our addiction. We can't help it, alcohol takes over our brains and we do not think rationally."
Its a disease, a horrible disease. I'm sorry!!
"Life was all about facilitating drinking. My partner was a 'bit player' to support/enable me. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and it is 100% typical of an alcoholic. We make terrible partners because - and this will be hard for you to hear - we love alcohol far more than we love our own partners. We will sacrifice anything, relationships with family, our business, our self respect, anything, to feed our addiction. We can't help it, alcohol takes over our brains and we do not think rationally."
Its a disease, a horrible disease. I'm sorry!!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
I have nothing to add that will help. I just want to say I feel your pain and I'm truly sorry. I am sending you hugs. I will say what others have told me and that is for you to try to find the joy in all you do have and the pain of what you don't have will begin to diminish.
Broken Heart of Gold
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Thank you all so much for your support! It means a lot to me and I am so happy I found this place - it's full of strong people!
I also have a 5 month old daughter. I left for my kids. I didn't want them growing up in a house with a man who can't pull his weight in a relationship. It's so painful to go through this process, especially when my son calls other men "Daddy". Or when he asks me where Daddy is.
Daddy still has our belongings at his house & is either holding on to them to keep the lines open or is just too damn lazy to give them back. He's had me over twice to gather our things and neither of those times has he returned all of the items - on purpose. I wasn't supposed to see him the most recent time, but he came outside when I pulled up. I think he was testing the waters to see where he stood with me. I wanted to kick him in the crotch. We've broken up so many times before that it's ridiculous.
Ironically enough, he's the one who's mad at me for leaving. He used to tell me it breaks his heart when I leave. I don't understand why. It breaks my heart when he's abusive & jealous -how could I put up with that?! We never have contact when we are separated. I don't understand how a man can just let his family leave like that without doing anything about it. Stupid addiction.
I also have a 5 month old daughter. I left for my kids. I didn't want them growing up in a house with a man who can't pull his weight in a relationship. It's so painful to go through this process, especially when my son calls other men "Daddy". Or when he asks me where Daddy is.
Daddy still has our belongings at his house & is either holding on to them to keep the lines open or is just too damn lazy to give them back. He's had me over twice to gather our things and neither of those times has he returned all of the items - on purpose. I wasn't supposed to see him the most recent time, but he came outside when I pulled up. I think he was testing the waters to see where he stood with me. I wanted to kick him in the crotch. We've broken up so many times before that it's ridiculous.
Ironically enough, he's the one who's mad at me for leaving. He used to tell me it breaks his heart when I leave. I don't understand why. It breaks my heart when he's abusive & jealous -how could I put up with that?! We never have contact when we are separated. I don't understand how a man can just let his family leave like that without doing anything about it. Stupid addiction.
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: New England
Posts: 15
Black Sabbath...I happen to be a huge Ozzy fan, so I felt an automatic kinship...but I digress.
Your situation sucks. And it isn't fair. And you don't deserve it. And every single one of us here understands it right down to the very fibers of our soul. You are not alone.
Cry when you need to. But know that each day will get a little easier. It takes a lot of time to grieve anything, but as humans we are very resilient - more than we know. In order for me to deal with not speaking to or seeing my husband, I have to pretend he is no longer living. That way, I can look back on the good times with fondness and when I feel sad I can cry but I don't hold out hope for that person ever coming back. I don't know if it's sane or rational, but it works for me. And sometimes I just get in my car and crank Ozzy as loud as I can and sing at the top of my lungs. And that helps too.
Your situation sucks. And it isn't fair. And you don't deserve it. And every single one of us here understands it right down to the very fibers of our soul. You are not alone.
Cry when you need to. But know that each day will get a little easier. It takes a lot of time to grieve anything, but as humans we are very resilient - more than we know. In order for me to deal with not speaking to or seeing my husband, I have to pretend he is no longer living. That way, I can look back on the good times with fondness and when I feel sad I can cry but I don't hold out hope for that person ever coming back. I don't know if it's sane or rational, but it works for me. And sometimes I just get in my car and crank Ozzy as loud as I can and sing at the top of my lungs. And that helps too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Originally Posted by HoneyBadger1 
In order for me to deal with not speaking to or seeing my husband, I have to pretend he is no longer living. That way, I can look back on the good times with fondness and when I feel sad I can cry but I don't hold out hope for that person ever coming back. I don't know if it's sane or rational, but it works for me.
Broken Heart of Gold
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by HoneyBadger1
Black Sabbath...I happen to be a huge Ozzy fan, so I felt an automatic kinship...but I digress.
I read your letter, HoneyBadger1. I have an axbf-sized hole in my heart that I'm keeping warm too. No contact is the way to go to preserve your sanity. I also had 4 step kids...with this man who knew all the right things to say to convince me that our connection was so special. If it was, then he would feel it too & work his program...right?
My brain hurts from trying to override my heart :/
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: New England
Posts: 15
My brain feels like keeping my heart in check is full-time job! I wish there was a button to turn the love off. Today has been tough, but it's almost over and I managed to distract myself. Like you said, if our love was really so special, why couldn't he reach out for help? Who knows...but I can't be the one to save him. That's a harsh realization for someone that hates to give up. But I finally have.
I hope you had a better day today! You are an awesome mom for putting your kids first. I feel so guilty leaving my four stepchildren behind. I just pray their father doesn't kill one of them driving around while high.
I hope you had a better day today! You are an awesome mom for putting your kids first. I feel so guilty leaving my four stepchildren behind. I just pray their father doesn't kill one of them driving around while high.
Broken Heart of Gold
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
I miss the step kids too...and I want to stab him in the eye with his truck key for drinking & driving with them!!! The sole reason *I* will be the one to look after transportation if/ when our kids see him. Hugs & prayers to you - we WILL get through this!!!
I did have a better day! I met a cancer survivor - which made me more pissed off at axbf for not respecting his life. I have my own business & managed to get little missy to sleep & had a productive afternoon. Toddler was crusty so he went to bed early tonight & I indulged in pizza delivery & food coma lol
Serious Karma - so true, I do cherish the wonderful things in my life and do feel bad for axbf that he chooses to live his life this way. I wish he could deal with hurt instead of compound it with coke & booze. Smh.
I did have a better day! I met a cancer survivor - which made me more pissed off at axbf for not respecting his life. I have my own business & managed to get little missy to sleep & had a productive afternoon. Toddler was crusty so he went to bed early tonight & I indulged in pizza delivery & food coma lol
Serious Karma - so true, I do cherish the wonderful things in my life and do feel bad for axbf that he chooses to live his life this way. I wish he could deal with hurt instead of compound it with coke & booze. Smh.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
