Kimmi0087

All, I need some advice on how to deal with these feelings of being on the back burner. My RAH is starting his last month of 90 in 90 and I cannot wait for it to end. Very little time together. I asked him if he was going to continue to go to meetings everyday and he said no. I flat out told him I wouldn't be able to handle it if he was and to let me know up front. That wouldn't be any kind of life I want to live. Sounds very selfish doesn't it?

He doesn't work right now and talks to his sponsor (single man, never been married) for an hour most days and one day for 2 1/2 hours. Not about AA stuff, just about guy stuff. I had to say something about that because he doesn't even give me that kind of "talk" time. He is busy doing things while talking and loses track of time. I know he is like that, but doesn't make it better. Last night I waited up for him to get back from a meeting so we could have some intimate time. (Intimacy has been great since he got back from rehab) Well, as soon as he walked in the door he gets a call from another AA guy he talks to him about car parts the guy needs. Um, hello???? Yes, he knew why I waited up. I get angry and then spend the whole next day at work sad and numb. He always says he is sorry and doesn't mean to hurt me or cause me pain.

Am I being to much of a B****???? Am I being to self-centered to want to spend alone time with my husband? I didn't have him much when he was drinking (9 years that I've known him) because he was drunk all the time. So now that he is not, I want to spend time with him and make up for time lost. I feel guilty for feeling the way I do, but I don't want to feel pushed aside whenever a call comes or whatever.

AnvilheadII

well there's two things going on here....one, meetings are VERY important and instrumental in helping one establish and MAINTAIN recovery. and that means time away....but for a VERY good reason. i'm not quite sure you get that...you see it as a competition, not a life saving act.

remember how BADLY you wanted HIM to get sober??? for how long? but now that he is you are wanting to put conditions and restrictions upon how HE goes about that. he is sober now AND going to meetings...there is a connection. most every addict that talks about hwo they ended up relapsing will have "stopped going to meetings" somewhere in their story. (for those that attend AA or NA, etc). that was part of MY relapse story....

at the same time you are complaining about he content of his conversations with HIS sponsor. and how long they talk. when that really isn't any of your business. the fact is that he picks up the phone every day and talk TO his sponsor. he is staying committed and building good new habits.

yes it can seem inconvenient when the phone rings and it's another AA buddy...but that is part of the fellowship and the steps, to be available to others, and not stay isolated.

this is all still new to him. and it sounds like he really is doing the best he can!!! attending meetings, staying in touch with other recovering alcoholics, talking to his sponsor.

at the same time, you have been starved for affection and attention for a long time, all the years he was drinking and now that he is sober. right now that's just how it is. be careful of trying to pull him away from his SOBER support system, unless you want a drunk on your hands again???

FireSprite

I struggled with this early on too - I felt abandoned for his drinking then abandoned again for recovery/AA..... and it really irked me for a while that it was obviously not just recovery talk but truly social for RAH (despite his objections to that opinion).

It took me a while to grasp that it was social, but for good reason. It actually helped RAH rebuild his social skills without using alcohol to lubricate his confidence. Talking with (& listening to) other members illustrated for him the ways they rebuilt their lives. When they talk just "recovery-speak" it's different (for him) than listening to examples of how they are using those principals in real life. There's only so much sharing, I expect, that can happen in a structured meeting. Those F2F interactions became the beginning of his rebuilt social network.

It gets easier in time but the first year was difficult for me..... it also showed me how much I expected from him & showed me that it worth stepping back & examining if those expectations were realistic. Was it worse than him off drinking & hiding? No way. Was it more than others have gone through for the same reasons? Not that I could tell from "listening" to those in recovery here at SR. (aka reading Newcomer's Posts) It was also not as much as what some of my friends dealt with in their non-A spouses - in so-called "normal" relationships. Some have spouses that travel a lot for work or have other family obligations that consume their time, etc.

It's all relative & eventually I saw that it was only ever going to be what I made of it. What do you do for YOU Kimmi?

Kimmi0087

AnvilheadII....I totally understand what you are saying. That is where my guilt comes in. Because I really know what I am feeling is wrong. I am SO very happy and proud of what he is doing. Thank you for your words.


FireSprite....Thank you for your words also. I have read and been told many times the first year is the hardest. Everything is so different I can't believe it. Different for the better, but still very different.

I have actually told myself this is no different than my dad traveling all the time when we were kids. My mom at home taking care of us kids. At least I have him home everyday. My biggest hurdle right now (as a normally positive thinking person) is to keep these negative thoughts out of my head. It seems so difficult. Thank you both!!

maia1234

Kimmi,
Are you going to Alanon or any opening AA meetings. You have to remember living with an A can make you crazy. If you have not done any work on yourself you will be doing the same thing you were doing when he was drinking, nagging, and complaining. A relationship is a 2 person job. Growing up, sobering up and woking a program is such a hard thing for them to do. Giving up his best friend (alcohol), he needs to find another!! Let him bond and talk to someone, who cares if its not to you. They don't need any pressure outside for this to fail. Find something else to do and let him work to get healthy.

Hugs my friend, so proud of your spouse that chose to get sober!!

dandylion

Kimmi....I don't think that your feelings about this are wrong....and, I don't think that Anvil meant that, either.....
You feel what you feel.....they are neither "right" or wrong. They are what they are. It is how you manage them that is the issue (for all of us, for that matter..lol.

Yes....lots of people, here, report the same thing in early recovery.
Early recovery can seem very selfish---because it is, in a way. It takes all the alcoholic has to focus on themselves during this period. They need to. Otherwise, relapse is virtually guranteed.

But....you shouldn't live in a box....or sit to the side on a shelf. You are just as important as he is.
I would say to give him as much space as he needs. And, begin counseling with an experienced alcoholism counselor to help you process and work through this very difficult (and lonely) time. Begin alanon, also....because this will help you enormously. Also....begin to fill your time with your own activities. Start a new hobby and go out with friends...make new friends. Fill your life up with activities that focus on you. Begin to emerge as an individual, yourself.....not just wrapping your life around him to get your good feelings and validation as a person.
By the way....it is remarkable that the intimate life has been "good" as you put it.
The majority partners report that this is also a very difficult area in the early recovery. Remember that early recovery is m ore than just 90 days.....

Also, it would help if you read everything you can to l earn about what all is involved in early recovery for a relationship. There IS a l ot to learn. The more yu learn....the better!

I hope that these suggestions are of help to you....

dandylion

redatlanta

I asked him if he was going to continue to go to meetings everyday and he said no. I flat out told him I wouldn't be able to handle it if he was and to let me know up front. That wouldn't be any kind of life I want to live.

But, you put up with the drunk him for 9 years. 2 month in sobriety with positive aspects you are saying a meeting a day is not a life that you can live.

I get it - its been a long road.

I think it would be a good thing to sit down with RAH, and carve out some planned time with each other. Its not too much to ask at all.

Please keep in mind he may need to go to a meeting everyday for longer than 90 days. You have laid down the law, and I am sure it was while you were pissed. Perhaps you could revisit that - and be ok with it if you also get some planned time with him.

New recovery is really hard. I agree with Dandy Al Anon would be beneficial. Yes also to finding something that you find enjoyable to do and do it.

LexieCat

You've gotten some great advice, here. I would NOT pressure him to give up his meetings, his conversations (social or not) with his sponsor and his AA friends.

When people new to AA act all horrified at the mere THOUGHT of going to a meeting a day for 90 days, we ask them to consider how much time they spent planning to drink, drinking, or recovering from drinking every day. It's a heck of a lot more than the hour a day that a meeting takes up. Even if you throw in phone calls, outings, and hanging out at the diner after the meeting (which is GREAT for getting comfortable in sobriety), it's still less disruptive than the time spent drinking.

For most people, things settle down a bit after the first year or so. But I know many folks with years and years of sobriety who still go to several meetings a week. Not that THEY need it to stay sober so much as it is that part of the program is working with newcomers. I know I was incredibly grateful when I was newly sober for the people who had years and years and were willing to give of their time so *I* could recover.

I suspect that sometime over the next several months, the two of you will work out a balance that works well for both of you. That is, as long as you both remain patient and understanding with each other. But two months into sobriety is not where I would suggest being too demanding of more attention.

iamthird

I understand how you feel, it is normal. Value what he is doing and try to take the focus off of him. Early recovery is so hard on everyone. I know you want the connection so bad and you deserve it but he is just not capable yet. He is trying to live a life without alcohol which we will never understand. Focus on healing from the time when he was actively drinking. Vent on here and go to Alanon but do not discourage him from doing what he needs to stay sober and alive. Praying for your peace.

Honshine

I get that you are ready for some normalcy and to get the show on the road but he's still got a lot to deal with. I'd be tickled pink if mine would even attempt to talk to other recovering alcoholics so I believe he's trying. Maybe like dandylion said, you should find your own meetings and learn how to handle all of it because it's an adjustment for both of you. You both can't have the same attitude that you used too during the plague of alcoholism. It's time to expand the horizons a bit! ^_^

Kimmi0087

Thank you all for your words. I REALLY mean it. I don't mean to come off as I am being a hard ass towards him because I am not. I know it may sound that way, but I really am not. I support him and tell him constantly how proud I am of him and his decision to become and stay sober.

I am currently seeing a therapist and on medication to help with my healing and moving forward. He understands it was 9 years of hurt and it is not going to disappear overnight. When I get sad or angry I do remove myself (most of the time) from his sight so as to not upset him. With all of the reading I have done, I understand the importance of not causing a lot of stress for him. That is where a lot of my guilt comes in because of my hurt/healing and I can't hold it back (out of his sight) sometimes.

One of the positives about this is he never was one to talk. Talking to his sponsor and AA family has helped him to open up to me during this roller coaster ride of emotions I am on. I am very thankful for that.

Again, thank you all for being there. I am sure this won't be my last blow up on here or tears shed, but I am very grateful for your posts. It has helped me tremendously. Hugs to all of you!!!!!

fluffyflea

There are two chapters you can read in the Big Book The Family Afterward and To The Wives. Maybe they will be helpful to you.

LexieCat

Here's a link to the Big Book online: Big Book. Try not to be put off too much by the outdated sexist language--the thing was written in 1935, and as they say, we've come a long way, baby, since then. In general, though, a lot of the stuff about what to expect holds true today, whether the alcoholic in question is male or female, and regardless of who's working or not.

Just a bit of AA trivia here: Lois (the wife of co-founder Bill Wilson) was majorly TICKED that Bill wrote the "To Wives" chapter, himself (it's written as if a wife wrote it). Bill justified it on the grounds it should have the same "tone" as the rest of the book.

Just goes to show ya how even the most "recovered" people still have a lot of room for improvement!

iamthird

This was a great read!!!