FarToGo

Last night was the hardest time so far. I feel ill and sort of hung over and yet I didn't drink a drop, really really wanted to though, I could almost taste the beer, wine, brandy I was sooo craving.
I went for a meal with my partner and his grown up daughter, didn't want to as they've always been pretty awful experiences for me, but I'm in a situation where I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Id get a good emotional kicking from both him (and me), whatever I do, it would never be right.
They are in some strange (to me) relationship where they are the couple and I'm their entertainment, they finish each others sentences (gross) and take turns goading me over stuff I'm involved in or things important to me. He invites her to everything we do and she emotionally kicks him if it doesn't come off, he's got some guilt trip going on about leaving his previous family when she was 16.
I geared myself up, I'm sober I can do this, it's just a meal, just for a short time........... I was managing............. then she comes out quoting my opinion on her brothers impending wedding, a nasty destructive opinion that I NEVER gave and don't even think. I challenged this and she ran off to the loo........................
Now it's morning and the atmosphere here is more toxic than ever. Pattern is we won't speak about this for weeks and when we do it will be explosive and all my fault. I would talk and talk, but he blocks me, part of his power trip as he feels intimidated and so just yells..........
I didn't drink, they drank quite a bit, but they can as they are "normies" , BUT I so wanted to, more than ever and this morning I feel like I actually did!
I also want to drink, today, tonight, tomorrow............ I won't.
Life is so tough at home, I wish I had the means to leave. I know it's fairly typical stuff, evil woman who stole her dad, but I have tried and tried for eight years and as nothing is ever good enough for him, he won't back me on anything, like he needs me to be in this position. I've noticed nothing his parents ever do is good enough either (they are lovely people).................
ramble ramble.................................... send me some SR hugs please xx

Dee74

I'm sorry it wasn't a pleasant time for you Fartogo - it doesn't sound a very good situation for you to be in, in general, if I'm honest...if you want to leave there is some good reading in the sticky posts at the top of the Family and Friends forum like this one:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...how-leave.html

I'm really pleased for you that you stayed sober...that's terrific.

D

FarToGo

And just to add to my rant, I'm now dreading the brother's wedding ( I was really nervous anyway), but if this is the story that's likely to be going around, that I've never approved of them or the wedding, TOTAL RUBBISH, then I'm likely to be in for a really hard time from several quarters. We have to travel there as well and it's likely to be at least a one night stay.................. arghh.......
I'll read all the stuff I can on planning and escapes ect........... not even just about drink now, it's how to avoid being the emotional punch bag for other's dysfunction, .......... when you have to live with it.

FarToGo

thanks so much Dee, I do want to leave, just don't know how.
x

Carver

You did very well to stay sober

All I can suggest is that you tell your husband how this feels, or even show him this post. Good luck

FarToGo

thank you, I want and need kindness right now and I knew I could ask for it here. I'm crying typing this and I think that's what I need to do.
x

VDGS

You stayed sober, though!

You're awesome!

FarToGo

thanks VDGS, a lot. It is something to take from this mess. I have fixed in my head "what will a drink add to this situation?" It might blurr the edges briefly, but all of us here know the rest of the longer term effects................
xx

Soberwolf

Fartogo youl always have SR to lean on

FarToGo

this post has only a few replies, I had hoped for more, (though really appreciate those I got), hence me posting on it again. I think us lot in the UK perhaps need to post in the evening? I get the feeling some posts get lost while the rest of the world sleep. If you are asleep, I hope it's deep, restful and poison free.
xx

D122y

No relationship advice here. I got lucky.

Regarding not boozing, hang in there. It gets better every day.

Meraviglioso

FarToGo, that really does sound like a toxic environment to be in. I am really sorry for you. It is fantastic that you did not drink at the dinner.
It does sound like you are going to need a solid plan for the wedding. I would also suggest planning your escape from this relationship if that is what you want and feel you need. It does not sound like you are happy.
What is holding you back? When you say you don't know how to leave what do you mean? Is it finding a new place, a moving company, dividing up belongings that is difficult? The logistics of it? Or is it the emotional stuff, are you still on the fence and don't know how you will live without him?
How can we help?

Jtf7

Good luck to you far to go. If you can get out, do it. If not for good, at least for an extended period so he knows that this is really effecting you.

Bird615

All I can offer is what others have suggested. Stick close to SR, maybe try to find some face-to-face support for yourself and make plans to somehow, some way, get out of that situation. You deserve better.
Staying sober is by far your best bet to find a better, happier life. Eventually answers and solutions will come to you and they will come more readily if you are making sobriety a priority.
When I got out of a nasty 6-year relationship, it was the revelation that if staying with him was going to feel awful but leaving him was going to feel awful, why not make the jump and do the thing that would give me a chance at peace and happiness in the long run?

Fly N Buy

People can be normal in regards to not having a drinking problem but it does not give them carte blanche to dump all their other sicko jazz in our bubble. They don't have the moral high ground because of this.

Frankly, most of the "healthiest" friends I have now are those in recovery We get a chance to change - isn't it great!

Toxic relationships are just that - in sobriety there are difficult choices of who we decide to allow in our circle. Sounds like you are being faced with one......Best of luck

Glad you're here

Soberwolf

Can you ring a woman's refuge

DitzyDandelion

I know it can feel like you can't leave. I spent years and years feeling that way. You know what? when I just did it it turns out it was no where near as hard as I had thought. Those relationships build up a cage you think you can't escape but its just a trick of the mind. You really can just go any time you want. They only have any control of you give it to them.

FarToGo

Thanks so much, I'm glad I asked again, knew more of you were out there.
Financial ........... lame eh? that's keeping me here. I live in a very high rent area, I need to live here or hereabouts as I work here, I wouldn't get social housing as my daughter is no longer considered dependent (but of course she is). I live in his house and we are not married. I'm now facing the consequences of my stupid decisions in the past.
I've also been here before, (needing to escape a bad relationship) a few times, so what does that say?? I've never dealt with anything sober before though, so this should make a difference.......... All my daughters connections are here too.
So............ I've been reading up on the link Dee sent me and I think my best plan is save up as best I can and move and be worse off financially (a lot), but better in every other way, a lot!
My daughter will understand I think, she knows I'm unhappy and her life is outside the home anyway now.
I have a beautiful dog who I love so much, can't possibly leave her so I need a place with a garden.............. it's all so........... well, it just is.

Many many thanks, all of you. I'm not drinking.

xx