10 days in, environment, "aging out" of the bar scene
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 17
10 days in, environment, "aging out" of the bar scene
Hi All,
Just found the forum this morning, glad to be a part of it. I recently relocated back home after living near downtown Cleveland for seven years. I had a lot of anxiety about coming home, but that has proven unnecessary. Without making this intro too long (I've already started writing about my experiences with drugs/alcohol and it quickly turned into 5 pages, barely scratching the surface), I was a drinker and pot smoker for 10 years, since I was a freshman in college, then picked up coke for the first time when I was 30. Did that every day for a little over 4 years, nobody close to me knew about it, even girlfriends I had while I was using. Then I got hooked up with a guy who could get Percocet and Oxycontin and traveled down that road for the last year and half, to two years. I mixed all of those things together fairly regularly and would often throw benzos into the mix as well. I started "aging out" of the bar scene a few years ago but kept doing it because that was the only life I knew how to live after college. I started seeing these guys (and girls) in Cleveland bars who were pushing 50 or older, still getting black-out, falling down drunk and that clicked something in my brain a couple years ago that told me my time in the scene was coming to an end. I was a bartender at a place that pretty much encouraged its staff to drink on the job. Initially, I actually really liked Cleveland but in the last year and a half, I felt like my eyes were opened to the dead-end rut I was stuck in, the people I had made "friends" with, and the abject misery that is living in inner city Cleveland. Rock bottom for me happened in early spring around late April. If you have seasonal depression, don't ever think about living in Cleveland. I was ready to kill myself, I had hit the mental stage of preparing for it, thinking about how and where I would do it to traumatize the fewest people, when one of my drinking buddies did it a week before my birthday. A Marine and all-around very warm soul killed himself the week before my birthday and that was the wake-up call I needed. The way I felt, the way it made my friends feel, I knew I couldn't put people I cared about through the same thing. I quit coke but continued everything else until a week and a half ago. I left my businesses and friends behind, sold off everything and moved home. So here I am, not even two weeks into it and realizing how much moving out of that city has helped. 10 days without a drink, drugs are not even on my mind, biking every day, working out 4 times a week, eating nothing but healthy food and drinking as much water as possible. The gin blossoms and circles under my eyes are going away, I'm starting to feel MUCH better and I'm realizing that the depression, anxiety and loneliness that have been a part of my life for the last 4 years vaporized after 2 or 3 days home, despite not knowing anyone here and being pretty well known up north. I'm not blaming Cleveland for my unhealthy habits, I'm the one who formed them and kept doing the same old things time and again, knowing how awful they'd make me feel. But, I do think that environment can play a major role in your behavior. I went down to Cincinnati to visit old college friends this week and had no trouble drinking ginger beer while still having fun. Nobody even noticed until the night was over. That is a major departure from what I'm used to. In Cleveland, nearly everyone drinks and completely enables each other to drink more and more. The peer pressure to do another shot of whiskey is ridiculous. Being as how the last month before I moved was one extended going away party and I was already sick of drinking before that went down, quitting was easy and remains so. My parents have liquor in the house, but I don't think about it and don't care that it's around. I guess my point through all this is, if you're in a toxic environment and recognize it as such, you need to get out. Going back to my little hometown wasn't an attractive idea at first, but the more I saw that my depression was heavily influenced by my surroundings, the more I realized that literally anything was better than the life I was (not) living up there. I've had no problems coming off the drugs and booze, although I'm pretty sure I was maybe another week away from either kidney failure or an infection at the very least. My system is just now starting to get back to "normal" physically, but mentally I feel pretty awesome right now. Maybe it's the pink cloud, but I have taken extended breaks from drinking in the past when circumstances were better. It really helps that I WANTED this, that drinking no longer had anything in the Pro column for me, personally. I wasn't forced into it by family or a judge or anything like that.
Anyway, you'll probably see me on here a little more as I go down this path, just wanted to say "Hi!" and thank everyone here for this community. It seems like you've got something really great going.
Just found the forum this morning, glad to be a part of it. I recently relocated back home after living near downtown Cleveland for seven years. I had a lot of anxiety about coming home, but that has proven unnecessary. Without making this intro too long (I've already started writing about my experiences with drugs/alcohol and it quickly turned into 5 pages, barely scratching the surface), I was a drinker and pot smoker for 10 years, since I was a freshman in college, then picked up coke for the first time when I was 30. Did that every day for a little over 4 years, nobody close to me knew about it, even girlfriends I had while I was using. Then I got hooked up with a guy who could get Percocet and Oxycontin and traveled down that road for the last year and half, to two years. I mixed all of those things together fairly regularly and would often throw benzos into the mix as well. I started "aging out" of the bar scene a few years ago but kept doing it because that was the only life I knew how to live after college. I started seeing these guys (and girls) in Cleveland bars who were pushing 50 or older, still getting black-out, falling down drunk and that clicked something in my brain a couple years ago that told me my time in the scene was coming to an end. I was a bartender at a place that pretty much encouraged its staff to drink on the job. Initially, I actually really liked Cleveland but in the last year and a half, I felt like my eyes were opened to the dead-end rut I was stuck in, the people I had made "friends" with, and the abject misery that is living in inner city Cleveland. Rock bottom for me happened in early spring around late April. If you have seasonal depression, don't ever think about living in Cleveland. I was ready to kill myself, I had hit the mental stage of preparing for it, thinking about how and where I would do it to traumatize the fewest people, when one of my drinking buddies did it a week before my birthday. A Marine and all-around very warm soul killed himself the week before my birthday and that was the wake-up call I needed. The way I felt, the way it made my friends feel, I knew I couldn't put people I cared about through the same thing. I quit coke but continued everything else until a week and a half ago. I left my businesses and friends behind, sold off everything and moved home. So here I am, not even two weeks into it and realizing how much moving out of that city has helped. 10 days without a drink, drugs are not even on my mind, biking every day, working out 4 times a week, eating nothing but healthy food and drinking as much water as possible. The gin blossoms and circles under my eyes are going away, I'm starting to feel MUCH better and I'm realizing that the depression, anxiety and loneliness that have been a part of my life for the last 4 years vaporized after 2 or 3 days home, despite not knowing anyone here and being pretty well known up north. I'm not blaming Cleveland for my unhealthy habits, I'm the one who formed them and kept doing the same old things time and again, knowing how awful they'd make me feel. But, I do think that environment can play a major role in your behavior. I went down to Cincinnati to visit old college friends this week and had no trouble drinking ginger beer while still having fun. Nobody even noticed until the night was over. That is a major departure from what I'm used to. In Cleveland, nearly everyone drinks and completely enables each other to drink more and more. The peer pressure to do another shot of whiskey is ridiculous. Being as how the last month before I moved was one extended going away party and I was already sick of drinking before that went down, quitting was easy and remains so. My parents have liquor in the house, but I don't think about it and don't care that it's around. I guess my point through all this is, if you're in a toxic environment and recognize it as such, you need to get out. Going back to my little hometown wasn't an attractive idea at first, but the more I saw that my depression was heavily influenced by my surroundings, the more I realized that literally anything was better than the life I was (not) living up there. I've had no problems coming off the drugs and booze, although I'm pretty sure I was maybe another week away from either kidney failure or an infection at the very least. My system is just now starting to get back to "normal" physically, but mentally I feel pretty awesome right now. Maybe it's the pink cloud, but I have taken extended breaks from drinking in the past when circumstances were better. It really helps that I WANTED this, that drinking no longer had anything in the Pro column for me, personally. I wasn't forced into it by family or a judge or anything like that.
Anyway, you'll probably see me on here a little more as I go down this path, just wanted to say "Hi!" and thank everyone here for this community. It seems like you've got something really great going.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 17
I totally forgot to leave out the part where I feel very fortunate to be alive right now for this second chance! God knows, I should have died probably a dozen times by now, mixing everything that I did like that. Drinking a half bottle of tequila on a 30mg percocet and throwing up the next day while your hands tingle... that was a clear warning sign. I'm very lucky to still be here. Hopefully, I haven't done any permanent liver damage.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,909
Welcome to SR, SoberInOhio. In my own recovery, I have had to change many of the people, places, and things that I associate with. Wishing you the best in your recovery and hope you'll check in often. There is a ton of great wisdom and support to be found here.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I have gone through a similar 'epiphany' in the last couple years. I have pretty much lost the last decade. I am in my late 30's now but really have been in a state of arrested development since I was 28. My drinking stopped any progress and maturation that I should have been undergoing. Welcome to the site
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Wastinglife 
I have gone through a similar 'epiphany' in the last couple years. I have pretty much lost the last decade. I am in my late 30's now but really have been in a state of arrested development since I was 28. My drinking stopped any progress and maturation that I should have been undergoing. Welcome to the site
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,576
I'm so glad to meet you SoberInOhio.
I was one of the older ones, still drinking in middle-age & beyond. You're saving yourself so much grief and misery. Good to have you with us - we're all in this together.
I was one of the older ones, still drinking in middle-age & beyond. You're saving yourself so much grief and misery. Good to have you with us - we're all in this together.
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