Tansy

So I told ex about the charity I volunteer for who do free de-toxes and he has decided to have one. Just like getting his hair cut or something lol. I asked the person involved in his treatment to not involve me and he hasn't. Exah is! From no phoning EVER to phoning me several times over the weekend but always before serious drinking time. He 's not getting it that my involvement with his "recovery" is over. All I did was text him the phone number to ring. I only did that cos his sons wanted me too.

I am detachedly thinking how much crap does he think I am going to take from him in one lifetime? Does he not realise I don't care if he drinks himself to death or not? I figured he has no idea cos it's all about him. So maybe am stupid for texting him the number and expecting him to leave me alone? Part of me is wishing I hadn't now. Life is peaceful. I want it to stay that way. He's already going on about his" recovery "and when he's had his de-tox he will visit his sons ( I live on 7th floor up with no lift and he can't walk due to his drinking so not sure how he thinks that is happening) and am like yeah yeah whateves ( quack quack quack) Then he started asking me to help him do stuff so I said no. That shocked him a bit . I think I've changed quite a bit from my enabling days lol. Thinking of blocking his number but I don't want him then phoning his sons and me not knowing about it.

SparkleKitty

I think it was very generous of you to text him the number, but of course you under no obligation to listen to him further. You're right -- he does not get it that his "recovery" is his, and there won't be anything you can do to change that. If your boundary is not to help him or talk to him about this, then you have to uphold your boundary, whatever he or anyone else thinks of it.

As far as not wanting to block him because then he will call his sons and you won't know about it -- why can't he do that anyway?

Tansy

He never has got it that he has to do the work. This is the first time in 20 year he's even considered a de-tox and I think he only doing it to further his ambition to get his sons back off me. Call me an old cynic but stopping boozing has never been his priority ..its always been him been seen to be doing something to further his own ends..namely getting money for drinking. His sons generate a lot of income due to being disabled. If he pretends to be "in recovery" he will make waves to have them back under his roof so he will have more money to drink. I have told both boys the score. If I block him he won't be able to organise visitations of the boys through me so will phone them instead. At the moment he never phones them but its all about him and he will if it suits him or to further his own ends.

Refiner

If you don't block him, just don't engage - hopefully he'll tire of no reaction from you. But you might teach him first that a detox and a recovery program are two entirely different things. And if he's able to have a relationship with his sons after a proven sober record of a couple of years, then you'll entertain the idea of visitation.

Tansy

Ex went to detox today. The detox bloke says he is on deaths door as he cannot physically drink enough to stop withdrawal symptoms and is yellow now. I am reeling from the news he is also a drug addict and has been for years. I HAD NO IDEA. How could I be so conned?

theuncertainty

((((hugs)))) Tansy. Addicts can be very good at distracting others from what is really going on. At least that's what I found with AXH. Addictions are addictions; does it really matter if it's alcohol, or oxy, whatever else? It's the _addiction_ that made life unmanageable. And, Tansy, you had so many other things to worry about (topmost being the safety and care of your children), please don't beat yourself up for missing tells that there was more than one substance involved.

FeelingGreat

Wow Tansy, his sons are so lucky to have you. Can you imagine him drinking away the money that they need for living, therapy etc?
It's shocking news about his condition; somehow even when we know someone's going to die eventually we seem to block it in our minds. It sounds like he needs a lot more than a detox, but what chance is there?
Have you thought about warning his sons that their father is very ill?

Tansy

I am so shocked at the latest. I agree tho I had other things to worry about and in some respects if it's one addiction or 3 they all boil down to the same outcome. Yes I have warned the boys this could be it and that daddy is very ill. The hospital asked me to go and see him tonight as he asked for me and I said I would. My boys have been given the option but both don't want to go so they are not. I have no idea what they are going to do or are doing. The Community Detox Clinic refused to treat him as it was too dangerous and that is why he's been hospitalised. Am staying detached. It's just another job to me. I visit my charity detoxers so I am him.

hopeful4

You do understand that you are not obligated to do this if it's too much? He is literally drinking himself to death. It's tragic, but it is his choice. This is a bit different than your other detoxers, so I am just throwing out there that it's not your obligation to do this.

Stay strong and firm in your own healing my friend! XXX

Tansy

Yes I know I don't have any obligation but I truly am detached. He isn't drinking in the hospital and he was hoping for a detox. I just think its too late for him to have one now. Yes he's going to die but I knew that for a long time. I am fine tho but thanks for the heads up. If it gets to much or I react differently to what I expect and it puts my own healing in jeopardy I won't go anymore. I think I need to see how he is to report back to my boys. They need the truth cos me being honest with them is the only thing that is getting them through it. They trust me 100%.

Tansy

Well I went to see him and he is having detox after all. He didn't look as bad as I expected but he is very frail. I feel OK. I know I need to set hard boundaries now he is under the same detox charity I volunteer for. I know it is not going to be easy having him around when I am still so newly healing myself. He still thinks we can be together! No way! I need a long, hard think about that aspect of it and I maybe won't go in the days he does. If he gets that far.

LexieCat

What's his plan for after detox? All detox does is get the alcohol out of your system.

Is he going to AA? To rehab? Straight to the liquor store? (The more likely option unless he's got something else in place.) It sounds to me like he did this on a whim (as you mentioned, "like getting a haircut"). Until he's got a plan in place, I wouldn't even BEGIN to get my hopes up.

Tansy

Yes I know that's all it does. I've no hopes up at all tbh. I don't want to be with him no matter how sober he ends up. We had problems that were nothing to do with his drinking and we got divorced lol. Nearly a year ago now. The charity I volunteer for provides the support to him after detox for as long as it's needed. They have a brilliant track record so am hopeful if he actually attends he might be OK. However he has to attend and he is a very long way from 2 days into detox and that. It would be nice for his sons to have a sober dad. It's way to late for me to care either way.

Tansy

I've worked out, in the nick of time they have blown all their bridges with my children and am hoping I will take up the slack. Ex is wheelchair bound for life due to his drug and booze excesses and is blaming his time working for all of 3 years way back when for "bad knees" which is bull. They ( he and his acoholic brother) are talking about buying a bungalow near me. I am worried sick this comes to pass. I do not want them in my life. One of my son's got very angry last night. He wants nothing to do with him. I am not visiting exah anymore. I've just sent him a polite text saying I can't visit anymore and wishing him good luck with his move and maybe here is not a great idea as it's so hilly if he's in a wheelchair. Thank you folks for reigning me in. I dodged another bullet there.

Hawkeye13

Well done Tansy

After this, I'd go No Contact as much as possible since you have the boys now--

Tansy

Thanks No, I am not talking to him anymore. The boys both have phones if they want to contact him and can block him if they don't. There is no need for me to ever speak to him again. Or his brother lol. I've stopped my charity stuff too. I need time out from addicts. My kids who are not speaking are pleased, I heard via one who is. Maybe in time we can be a family again.

hopeful4

Good for you Tansy!