wildflower

I am new and rather confused as to what forum I should be in. My psychaitrist has told me that I need to go to Al-anon. The reason is that I am an ENABLER. My husband does not drink or do drugs, however he suffers from severe anxiety (being treated...trial and error) I suffer from depression and lately Bipolar symptoms (being treated also). I am verbally abusive to him, as he is also to me. I do EVERYTHING for him and feel guilty when I don't. I am always trying to keep the peace by controlling every situation because I am always afraid he will "flare up" and either embarress me or do something stupid...ie..yell at people he doesn't know or tear out of the driveway like a nut, squeeling and "laying rubber.

I know this sounds minimual, but in actually I have lived 22 years with him and am always afraid of his "blow ups". He has never hit me, or my daughter, however he is extremly ragefull and full of hate and anger. I am always "taking care of him and trying to keep him calm. I feel very trapped. I'm just not sure where I should be posting. Also, believe it or not I've never posted in a chat room so I am very new at this entire "thing". Thanks for help and understanding. I have lost my identity in trying to take care of him and keep smoothing over the bumpy road, which has been very demeaning and I feel so hopeless. Like my psychatrist has said I am searching for help. What help is out there for an enabler, such as myself. I also have a 15 year old daughter who is wonderful...however, I also am trying to make things smooth and always comfortable and right for her. I'm exhausted doing this, but I don't know any other way to live. I'm afraid to go forward and devastated to stay in place.

Magichappens

Hi wildflower,
Welcome to SR. Your therapist must be a pretty good one. I am an Al-Anon member and it has really changed my life. I was hopeless and at the end of my wits. The love and support I have gotten from Al-Anon along with the things I have learned have helped me so much. Through living with alcoholism I lost myself. I gave up my own life to fix someone else. I didn't know there was any other way. There is.

The Friends and Families forum is full of people going through the same kinds of situations. I would like to invite you to join us. You can browse the posts, post your own, or reply. There is some great information in the powerposts at the top of the forums. I hope that you find the help and support that I have found here. I am glad that you joined us.

Don't feel bad about being computer handicapped. It takes a little while to get comfortable. I don't do chat much myself. I stick to the forums. Just a personal preference. Just bump around and find what's comfortable for you. Hugs, Magic

bikewench

Hey gurl....

A warm welcome to Sober Recovery.
Lots of answers... and denial busting on here...

I also learned how to "smooth the path".
I'm slowly learning how to leave the rocks alone though... let everyone pick their own way through... or even remove one themselves if the mood strikes them.

But.. the initial realization of what I was doing was hard to pinpoint.
So much of what a female does just comes naturally...
I had to see though that all it was doing was creating resentments in me... and making my life an emotional hell.

So now... when I feel a resentment rise... it's a red flag for me that I'm doing something for someone all the while I know they should be doing for themselves.

But... I gotta take this situation by situation... and I'm doing LOTS of gut checks...
And today was definately baby steps...

I hope you continue to post here. I found it very helpful to see my issues expressed by others... and what it looked like on them. It's a great mirror.

wildflower

Hi Magichappens...I can't thank you enough for your suggestion to go to the Friends and Family Forum..I will do that..because I'm also not crazy about chat rooms. Do you attend regular Al-anon meetings? When I go do I just say...that I'm here because I am an enabler?

wildflower

Hi Bikewench,
So true, about being a female..it's hard to know when I'm giving love and kindness and when I'm losing myself. Thanks for responding so much....I know I came to the right place.

Magichappens

You don't have to qualify. If you have now or ever been a friend or family of someone with a drinking problem, you qualify. I could have gone because of my grandfather or uncle, etc. Al-Anon is the most available program of co dependency. There are others like Co-dependants anonymous, and emotions anonymous. I know they are not as numerous. The principles of Al-Anon can be applied to all aspects of our lives.
Don't worry about qualifying yourself. Just go and check it out. You don't even have to talk if you don't feel like it. Observe, share, it's pretty casual. And come on over to the F and F forum. You will feel right at home. Hugs, Magic

wildflower

Magichappens,
On the Friends and Family Forum, which one do you go to the most that has been helpful to you? Also I am trying to find the power post? Thanks so much

wildflower

Magichappens....I found the power post...!!

Magichappens

I stick with Friends and Families of Alcoholics, but I browse all the forums. I have found that different things people post have helped me too. The power posts are at the top of each individual forum. Select the forum. Some have sticky posts, some are called power posts. Just browse around. If you see a title of a post that sounds interesting, select it and start reading. Don't worry. There are many people that lurk for a long time before they jump in and post, so you have already gotten past the hard part.
There are some great books that get suggested here. You would probably get a lot out of "CoDependant No More" by Melodie Beatty.

Magichappens

We posted at the same time. Yay for you!

wildflower

Magichappens..thanks for the help...I'll run, skip and jump and try to get that book before the hurricane hits us again.