Butterfly

So DS has just informed me that ex a is going away for 2 weeks on holidays!!!!

but get thisthe first week he is looking after his 2 young nieces so his brother and his wife can have a week to themselves the 2nd week will be a boys holiday!!! He's so considerate don't you think!!

All the kids get and during my last conversation with him was how he was broke yet he can afford a holiday.

Never once has he offered to take DS on holiday, or offered to give me a break or help out and certainly never spent any real time with the kids since he walked away!! I don't know why I'm surprised he always went out of his way for others, wouldn't dream of letting others down except me and the kids!! Always appeared as the helpful thoughtful, son, brother, nephew whoever for everyone doing things for others, jobs about the house, staying with them, looking after them but no not us it was and is ok to let us down.

He hasn't even told me and yes I know I don't have a right to know what he's doing but even out of courtesy so I know he's out of the country in case something was to happen to the kids but sure why am I surprised I'm no one I never was important and I certainly aren't now!!

I don't know if I have a right to feel such anger but I do

Thanks for letting me vent

Butterfly

And just realised he will be away for the day DS gets his exam results which determine whether he gets back into school next year to finish his A levels!!

FeelingGreat

Hi butterfly, you're right, it's not really your business even if it's frustrating that he helps others but not you.
The money side is to be expected with a divorce coming up. He's going to cry poor to you. Just accept that you're not going to hear the truth from him re money, and get your lawyer to do the work needed to come to a fair settlement. This is one reason why DIY divorces can be a mistake.
The thing is, these days, you can get in touch with anyone through Skype, mobiles or email, so even if he is abroad your DS will be able to tell him his results. I'd be more worried about him not being there to let DD in when she comes back from her trip but once again, not your problem.
I'm surprised the parents trust him with young kids given his drinking history.

Butterfly

Thanks Feelinggreat.

His brother is a big drinker also and to be honest I'm surprised but then I'm not sure what extent they know about his drinking as the whole family are so secretive! I know ex a will not drink much while he is looking after his nieces it was only his own kids he drank heavily around. As I said he won't want to let his brother down. I'm surprised his brothers wife is letting him and ex a have a week on their own, the last time they went out for the day ended up in serious trouble involving the police, but that's their business!

My solicitor has contacted his several times but as yet there has been no reply, either ex a isn't coming back to his solicitor or the solicitor is useless, but now nothing will happen for another few weeks as he will be away!! I think this was why he wanted the diy divorce so I wouldn't see his finances, I have a sneaky feeling he's shafted me with the debt and he's been able to clear his either before he left or his family helped him out. The delay is causing me more stress I just want it done.

What angers me is that financially I'm struggling my I comings don't match my outgoings and my debt keeps increasing I've even taken on a 2nd job which is only a few shifts a month but every little helps yet he's going on holiday, hasn't ever offered to take the kids on holiday even DS. I don't care he's going on holiday it's the fact that I'm skint he has never offered to give me a break or to help out or even asked if me or the kids need anything!!

I know DS can let him know his results but it's not the same as being there to support him but then his priorities have always been about what suits him!!

I suppose I've been feeling a lot of resentment lately towards him!

AnvilheadII

it's the fact that I'm skint he has never offered to give me a break or to help out or even asked if me or the kids need anything!!

and there is absolutely nothing NEW about that behavior. to his "credit" he is at least consistent.......shouldn't be a shock or a surprise. frustrating yes, but par for the course.

i know you've wanted to play nice and take the "easier" route with the divorce..........but i think it's time to play hardball, so this thing doesn't drag out forever.

for what it's worth, i haven't been on a proper "holiday" in years. a few weeks ago i took a week off from work, a whole 5 days, and just stayed home and took it easy. i have easily over 300 hours of vacation time stored up. we just don't have scads of money in the sock drawer for expensive trips somewhere. so you are not alone!!!

some things you CAN do financially are to create a budget and then take a good hard look at your expenses and see if there are things that can be cut back or otherwise discounted. i went from a very expensive blackberry that cost $100 a month to a cheapie "half brained" phone for a a long time and now have a decent phone thru Virgin Mobile, $30 a month. i shop at a discount grocery store. i refi'd a car loan, as well as our mortgage. i consolidated student loan debt (for my daughter, i carry two years of her college loans). i'd LOVE to KILL cable, but there is only one provider available in our region. i use a cash back program for most online purchases and another for many day to day purchases. every little bit helps. for a while i even made my own laundry soap! we drink Folgers instead of Starbucks.

it can be fun to find new ways to save. and empowering!

Butterfly

Thanks anvil.

I know I'm not the only one struggling and your right I shouldn't be surprised I guess I still have expectations of him, gotta get rid of those!

I have cut my outgoings, consolidated loans buy lots of food on offers, I've a very tight budget, I'd love a break but it's not gonna happen and I need to accept that!

AnvilheadII

lemons to lemonade m'dear! you are resourceful and determined, THAT is a winning combination!

Lilro

Hi Butterfly... Word of advise?? Take him for all that you can. There is no "nice" in divorce. Nice= being taken advantage of.
That's all I have to say about that! Good luck... Go get 'um girl!

Butterfly

so my solicitor rang me today. His solicitor finally replied and advised that he hasnt had any contact from ex a despite several letters!!

I am meeting my barrister next week to discuss the way forward, my solicitor is recommending that I initiate my own divorce proceedings on teh grounds of unreasonable behaviour and that I take control of this rather than letting him control everything!!

Dont get me wrong Im not thinking oh hes not responding because he doesnt want the divorce now hes changed his mind, my head isnt running away imaging all these fantasies, as I would have een a few months ago!! He isnt repsonding becasuse he doesnt want to go through the mediation and disclosure of financial documents!!

But seriously why start this if he wasnt going to follow it through oh yes because he thought I would just agree to whatever he wanted as I always did!!

LexieCat

Absolutely, and your solicitor's advice was dead-on. You call the shots here, not him. He can play nice or not, but nothing is going to stop you!

Butterfly

I am feeling angry now and it's just bubbling up but I won't let him control how this proceeds I will initiate divorce proceedings and take control!!

LucyGoosey

I hear you on the budget/no help from ex thing. It sucks.

My vacations right now take place in my bathtub with a library book.

No cable, just netflix, no landline, downgrading phone, raiding my friend's Goodwill piles, having just enough AC to not faint, walking whenever possible. I'm just hoping to stay even and not watch my money fly away every month.

I had to learn not to count on AH for anything. He's not too keen on disclosing financial info either. Alcohol and affairs are costly.

hopeful4

Ugh. That would burn my butt too.

I have come to expect absolutely nothing from my children's father, and that is usually what we get.

Many hugs my friend!

Butterfly

Just out of a body combat class, great way to release anger!!