How many times...
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
How many times...
...till people just stop listening to you when you say, "Never again"? I'm finding that out in the 3D world. In a matter of just a few months, I did all the things I boasted I had never done and would never do. I always said, "I've never lost a job due to my drinking. I've never gotten a DWI or DUI, I've never crashed my car while driving drunk. I've never had a blackout." That was then...
This is now... Blackouts began back in mid-December 2014. In January, I admitted to my work that I am an alcoholic and that I was drunk on the job. I was sent to detox and rehab. I came back and did a great job. A month later, I was reviewed and told that I still had some improvements to make but, overall, they were very pleased with my performance. What goes on in the mind of an alcoholic? Insanity. I thought it was time to celebrate. "It will never get that bad again." No, my friends, it gets worse. It gets worse every time.
Within just a few days of being told I was doing a much better job, I started coming to work drunk again. I was falling asleep at my desk! So, it didn't take long, of course, to be confronted again. That was the day before Easter Friday. I was told to go home, sober up, and we'd address the situation when I got back Monday. Except I didn't get back Monday. I was already unable to quit drinking on my own and was sick as a dog. I called the paramedics 2 times on Saturday, in hopes they could give me IV fluids. I couldn't eat or drink and only drank enough alcohol to keep withdrawal at bay.
On Sunday, I awoke feeling worse than ever. I called the paramedics a 3rd time and that time they took me to the ER. I wasn't put on IV fluids but was admitted to what they called the "Decon Unit." I was put in a room with a security camera on the ceiling and given Ativan. By afternoon, I was feeling somewhat better. I'd eaten a decent meal and felt sure I was ready to go home. But then, weird things started to happen. I started hallucinating some very odd stuff. I'd never hallucinated before. I saw demons in the room, sliding along the walls and slowing down to stare into my eyes. Spooky stuff!
Shortly after that, I decided I was definitely ready to leave (totally oblivious to the fact that I had no way home). They weren't going to let me go, so I started ripping cords out of my arms. One was held on with a clamp of some sort and I couldn't get it off, so naturally I grabbed it with my teeth and ripped it out of my arm. That caused a blood geyser and one of the nurses fainted. I went completely psychotic and the hallucinations got crazier than ever. I remember being injected with something, so I'm sure some of the hallucinations were from that.
I awoke strapped to a bed, and I was strapped down for 3 days. Hallucinations continued for that entire time. Peeing and pooping in a pan while laying on your back was one of the most dehumanizing experiences of my life so far. I was kept in the hospital for a week because my liver enzymes were really high.
Finally, I was released on Sunday, a full week after I was admitted. The next day, my employer asked me to write up something explaining why I thought I should be allowed to keep my job. I thought I did a rather good job justifying yet another chance, but the next day, I was let go. I asked if there was anything I could have said or done to have saved my job. My supervisor said, "Probably not." So, why the exercise in writing out why I thought they shouldn't fire me? Beats me. I guess they wanted me to just quit. I'd probably be in better shape if I had.
The story doesn't end there. The day I got fired, I bought another bottle of vodka. Yep, that experience in the hospital still wasn't enough to keep me sober! The very next day, I had just left the bank where I got a Consent Order notarized, stating I could only have supervised visits with my children. Somehow on the trip home, I blacked out, or passed out, or seized or something. I don't remember any of it. I awoke in the hospital with my neck in a brace and a doctor telling me I broke my neck. There was also a cop asking me if I remembered what happened. I did not. I had apparently, according to witnesses, flipped my car twice and gotten thrown from it. Oh, and BTW, I got my first DWI.
So, fast forwarding, because I know this is getting much too long for the average attention span of readers here at SR
, I went away to a 65-day rehab program and just returned this past Saturday. I'm at home now. My house is the only thing I still have and it's up for sale. If it doesn't sell and I can't get a job good enough to support all my financial obligations, I will likely lose it, too. I have no job, no car, and very limited funds. Child support is actually more expensive now because I also pay my childrens' health insurance. I lost my policy after I was fired, so now I'm paying their stepfather back for what it's costing him on his employer's plan. I don't get to even speak to my kids, not even on the phone.
So folks, first of all, I'm sorry to have let people down, second, I hope to God any of you who entertain the idea of drinking or using again will read this over and over again. It will never be as good as you hope, but will most certainly be worse than you fear.
This is now... Blackouts began back in mid-December 2014. In January, I admitted to my work that I am an alcoholic and that I was drunk on the job. I was sent to detox and rehab. I came back and did a great job. A month later, I was reviewed and told that I still had some improvements to make but, overall, they were very pleased with my performance. What goes on in the mind of an alcoholic? Insanity. I thought it was time to celebrate. "It will never get that bad again." No, my friends, it gets worse. It gets worse every time.
Within just a few days of being told I was doing a much better job, I started coming to work drunk again. I was falling asleep at my desk! So, it didn't take long, of course, to be confronted again. That was the day before Easter Friday. I was told to go home, sober up, and we'd address the situation when I got back Monday. Except I didn't get back Monday. I was already unable to quit drinking on my own and was sick as a dog. I called the paramedics 2 times on Saturday, in hopes they could give me IV fluids. I couldn't eat or drink and only drank enough alcohol to keep withdrawal at bay.
On Sunday, I awoke feeling worse than ever. I called the paramedics a 3rd time and that time they took me to the ER. I wasn't put on IV fluids but was admitted to what they called the "Decon Unit." I was put in a room with a security camera on the ceiling and given Ativan. By afternoon, I was feeling somewhat better. I'd eaten a decent meal and felt sure I was ready to go home. But then, weird things started to happen. I started hallucinating some very odd stuff. I'd never hallucinated before. I saw demons in the room, sliding along the walls and slowing down to stare into my eyes. Spooky stuff!
Shortly after that, I decided I was definitely ready to leave (totally oblivious to the fact that I had no way home). They weren't going to let me go, so I started ripping cords out of my arms. One was held on with a clamp of some sort and I couldn't get it off, so naturally I grabbed it with my teeth and ripped it out of my arm. That caused a blood geyser and one of the nurses fainted. I went completely psychotic and the hallucinations got crazier than ever. I remember being injected with something, so I'm sure some of the hallucinations were from that.
I awoke strapped to a bed, and I was strapped down for 3 days. Hallucinations continued for that entire time. Peeing and pooping in a pan while laying on your back was one of the most dehumanizing experiences of my life so far. I was kept in the hospital for a week because my liver enzymes were really high.
Finally, I was released on Sunday, a full week after I was admitted. The next day, my employer asked me to write up something explaining why I thought I should be allowed to keep my job. I thought I did a rather good job justifying yet another chance, but the next day, I was let go. I asked if there was anything I could have said or done to have saved my job. My supervisor said, "Probably not." So, why the exercise in writing out why I thought they shouldn't fire me? Beats me. I guess they wanted me to just quit. I'd probably be in better shape if I had.
The story doesn't end there. The day I got fired, I bought another bottle of vodka. Yep, that experience in the hospital still wasn't enough to keep me sober! The very next day, I had just left the bank where I got a Consent Order notarized, stating I could only have supervised visits with my children. Somehow on the trip home, I blacked out, or passed out, or seized or something. I don't remember any of it. I awoke in the hospital with my neck in a brace and a doctor telling me I broke my neck. There was also a cop asking me if I remembered what happened. I did not. I had apparently, according to witnesses, flipped my car twice and gotten thrown from it. Oh, and BTW, I got my first DWI.
So, fast forwarding, because I know this is getting much too long for the average attention span of readers here at SR
, I went away to a 65-day rehab program and just returned this past Saturday. I'm at home now. My house is the only thing I still have and it's up for sale. If it doesn't sell and I can't get a job good enough to support all my financial obligations, I will likely lose it, too. I have no job, no car, and very limited funds. Child support is actually more expensive now because I also pay my childrens' health insurance. I lost my policy after I was fired, so now I'm paying their stepfather back for what it's costing him on his employer's plan. I don't get to even speak to my kids, not even on the phone.So folks, first of all, I'm sorry to have let people down, second, I hope to God any of you who entertain the idea of drinking or using again will read this over and over again. It will never be as good as you hope, but will most certainly be worse than you fear.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
geeze the insanity of what we do. Hang in there it can only get better now if you stay sober.
its crazy the stuff we will do while drinking. I think back on some of my own stories and now I htink what was i thinking? but at the time of course it seemed like a fabulous idea *sigh*.
hang in there.
its crazy the stuff we will do while drinking. I think back on some of my own stories and now I htink what was i thinking? but at the time of course it seemed like a fabulous idea *sigh*.
hang in there.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
Armed with the tools to keep you sober, I hope.
The sliver lining on this big black cloud is that I will be 100 days sober tomorrow (Saturday, 7/25)!
aka Nesty
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northern Vt.
Posts: 1,554
GetMeOut , Thanks for sharing . I did read your whole painful ordeal . I could add a few extra , but I also went though some of the same . I know there's some things I've done I couldn't even dream of doing sober . That poison changes us - that Stuff is Evil 
Take it a day at a time , one thing at a time so not to get overwhelmed . You did it before , keep on pushing You'll make it
Take it a day at a time , one thing at a time so not to get overwhelmed . You did it before , keep on pushing You'll make it
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
GetMeOut 
The last line of your post - absolutely!
My heart goes out to you for all you've been through. You haven't let us down, though. We're just happy to have you back with us.
I've done the same things. In the end I was drinking all day, every day. Couldn't sleep without a drink on my nightstand - so I could wake up and take a sip to avoid shaking. Classy. Didn't lose my job only because my boss was an old friend who made excuses for me. I let down my family, ruined my health, did out-of-character things I never imagined I'd be capable of. All in the name of having fun and relaxing. It's insane what we do to ourselves, insisting it's somehow better than being sober. We're afraid to face life without our 'friend' and coping tool - yet in reality we create a living hell for ourselves. Anxiety and misery through the roof. It is so wonderful to be free of it.
Good to see you - keep talking to us.
The last line of your post - absolutely!My heart goes out to you for all you've been through. You haven't let us down, though. We're just happy to have you back with us.
I've done the same things. In the end I was drinking all day, every day. Couldn't sleep without a drink on my nightstand - so I could wake up and take a sip to avoid shaking. Classy. Didn't lose my job only because my boss was an old friend who made excuses for me. I let down my family, ruined my health, did out-of-character things I never imagined I'd be capable of. All in the name of having fun and relaxing. It's insane what we do to ourselves, insisting it's somehow better than being sober. We're afraid to face life without our 'friend' and coping tool - yet in reality we create a living hell for ourselves. Anxiety and misery through the roof. It is so wonderful to be free of it.
Good to see you - keep talking to us.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi, this is your old friend haennie if you don't recognize, I just changed my user name since you were here last time. Holy crap, man... what a progression! I hope you are better, that last accident sounds no fun.
I'm glad to hear about the rehab stay and that you are going back to AA. Do you think that will be enough for you now though? I'm just worried because AA on its own and with the frequency that was available to you did not seem enough previously...
I'm glad to hear about the rehab stay and that you are going back to AA. Do you think that will be enough for you now though? I'm just worried because AA on its own and with the frequency that was available to you did not seem enough previously...
And welcome back! 
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Originally Posted by Aellyce
Hi, this is your old friend haennie if you don't recognize, I just changed my user name since you were here last time. Holy crap, man... what a progression! I hope you are better, that last accident sounds no fun.
I'm glad to hear about the rehab stay and that you are going back to AA. Do you think that will be enough for you now though? I'm just worried because AA on its own and with the frequency that was available to you did not seem enough previously...
I'm glad to hear about the rehab stay and that you are going back to AA. Do you think that will be enough for you now though? I'm just worried because AA on its own and with the frequency that was available to you did not seem enough previously...
In addition to AA, I have also started seeing a counselor as of last week. I like him so far and will stick with that as long as I can pay for it. Counseling is also one of the requirements for me to be able to win supervised visits with my kids again.
There are not many AA groups in my area. What I really want at this point is to leave this little town and move to Raleigh. There are tons of options there. I have a friend I met at my last rehab back in February who lives in Raleigh, and he offered a room at his place. The only problem is...he has been strangely silent lately and I'm getting a bad feeling about that.
That's what he did last time he relapsed (and what I tend to do as well).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I'm okay, thanks for asking. Lots of happenings and changes in the past few months but sobriety is steady.
Glad to hear that you plan to move and I hope the house sells soon. Well, if you move there, you will indeed have lots of new opportunities... Have you considered maybe getting into some sober living (housing) program instead of staying with a friend who struggles himself? I believe after completing rehabs you might qualify for something. They might then also help you with other treatment possibilities, job searches, whatever, and you would be supervised and required to stay sober, would be surrounded by other people in recovery etc.
Glad to hear that you plan to move and I hope the house sells soon. Well, if you move there, you will indeed have lots of new opportunities... Have you considered maybe getting into some sober living (housing) program instead of staying with a friend who struggles himself? I believe after completing rehabs you might qualify for something. They might then also help you with other treatment possibilities, job searches, whatever, and you would be supervised and required to stay sober, would be surrounded by other people in recovery etc.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Originally Posted by Aellyce
I'm okay, thanks for asking. Lots of happenings and changes in the past few months but sobriety is steady.
Glad to hear that you plan to move and I hope the house sells soon. Well, if you move there, you will indeed have lots of new opportunities... Have you considered maybe getting into some sober living (housing) program instead of staying with a friend who struggles himself? I believe after completing rehabs you might qualify for something. They might then also help you with other treatment possibilities, job searches, whatever, and you would be supervised and required to stay sober, would be surrounded by other people in recovery etc.
Glad to hear that you plan to move and I hope the house sells soon. Well, if you move there, you will indeed have lots of new opportunities... Have you considered maybe getting into some sober living (housing) program instead of staying with a friend who struggles himself? I believe after completing rehabs you might qualify for something. They might then also help you with other treatment possibilities, job searches, whatever, and you would be supervised and required to stay sober, would be surrounded by other people in recovery etc.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Alcohol destroyed my life as well. Fortunately no DUI, no blackouts, no crashes. But lost an awesome job of 20yrs because I stopped caring about everything. I stopped working hard and instead worked hard to find ways to take the easy way out. I was demoted once and still did a half ass job. This after years of moving up rapidly and making a name for myself in the company.
It didn't help that before that I stopped caring for my marriage and cheated on my wife. Tried counseling and I flat out told her and the counselor I didn't want to try. Divorce followed. I still get to see my kids, but only one of my two boys sees me. The other has no interest in me. I don't blame him.
House is about to be foreclosed. Bankruptcy filing in motion.
I had a life to be proud of. I was proud of my accomplishments and loved my family. Drinking kept increasing. I never associated the booze with my issues until after I lost my job. My drinking became all day long at that point.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's nice to know I am not the only person to fall prey to its death grips.
I am now 96 days sober and much better off. Granted, life is not where it was before I self imploded. But now I can finally say I'm moving forward and no longer falling deeper into the hole.
There's only one way to stop the madness. And that's to stop drinking. It's not easy at first. But it doesn't take long to start feeling better. I was pleasantly surprised how quick my mind and spirit improved.
Congrats to you for stacking 100days together. That is awesome! Keep on stacking them up. There's lots of life ahead of us and we deserve to live it to the fullest!
It didn't help that before that I stopped caring for my marriage and cheated on my wife. Tried counseling and I flat out told her and the counselor I didn't want to try. Divorce followed. I still get to see my kids, but only one of my two boys sees me. The other has no interest in me. I don't blame him.
House is about to be foreclosed. Bankruptcy filing in motion.
I had a life to be proud of. I was proud of my accomplishments and loved my family. Drinking kept increasing. I never associated the booze with my issues until after I lost my job. My drinking became all day long at that point.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's nice to know I am not the only person to fall prey to its death grips.
I am now 96 days sober and much better off. Granted, life is not where it was before I self imploded. But now I can finally say I'm moving forward and no longer falling deeper into the hole.
There's only one way to stop the madness. And that's to stop drinking. It's not easy at first. But it doesn't take long to start feeling better. I was pleasantly surprised how quick my mind and spirit improved.
Congrats to you for stacking 100days together. That is awesome! Keep on stacking them up. There's lots of life ahead of us and we deserve to live it to the fullest!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Yeah, but you did not seem to have lots of success with the self-sufficiency thing lately, did you? I remember you saying similar things on and on for a long time, and then those bad things just kept happening. Also, why wait for you to drink again to get into that program? Don't want to play devil's advocate, but what if you don't come out of another bout of drinking in one piece? Maybe your counselor is not entirely aware of the pattern and seriousness of your full history?
I also believe you could be self-sufficient again, but perhaps now is not exactly the best time to play around with that... like you said in the thread title, "how many times"? You know, for me the more time passes relative to my own getting sober, the more I tend to think the best approach may be to get as much treatment and help as possible in the beginning. Especially for those who have an extensive relapsing history. This is also coming from parts of my more recent work that is relatively new: I am now working with addicts of all kinds, most trying to get better in some way but struggling on and on... it's heart wrenching. And what I see most frequently is that they start seeking help, get into some form of treatment, but either quit halfway or just do not continue once a specific program is completed. Then end up in the same place, much worse, or disappear completely from sight. Most of them, when they are temporarily better, seem to be cooperative and committed -- then not enough follow up and everything falls apart. And when we interact with them individually, one of the most frequent and greatest pain expressed is about the loss of independence and how they don't want to live like school kids constantly supervised, told what to do and what not to do, their sense of self taken away. But then what can happen: more and more gets taken away until there is no freedom left whatsoever and potentially many more gets harmed than the addict him/herself.
Sorry to sound so dark but I am just really worried, you know.
I also believe you could be self-sufficient again, but perhaps now is not exactly the best time to play around with that... like you said in the thread title, "how many times"? You know, for me the more time passes relative to my own getting sober, the more I tend to think the best approach may be to get as much treatment and help as possible in the beginning. Especially for those who have an extensive relapsing history. This is also coming from parts of my more recent work that is relatively new: I am now working with addicts of all kinds, most trying to get better in some way but struggling on and on... it's heart wrenching. And what I see most frequently is that they start seeking help, get into some form of treatment, but either quit halfway or just do not continue once a specific program is completed. Then end up in the same place, much worse, or disappear completely from sight. Most of them, when they are temporarily better, seem to be cooperative and committed -- then not enough follow up and everything falls apart. And when we interact with them individually, one of the most frequent and greatest pain expressed is about the loss of independence and how they don't want to live like school kids constantly supervised, told what to do and what not to do, their sense of self taken away. But then what can happen: more and more gets taken away until there is no freedom left whatsoever and potentially many more gets harmed than the addict him/herself.
Sorry to sound so dark but I am just really worried, you know.
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