Jeni26

It's so hard not to isn't it?

I've been doing some housework today and I came across 2 new t-shirts that my AH has bought himself. Both with supposedly funny slogans about alcohol on them. They might be mildly amusing if you were a teenager I suppose, but he's 50.

Is this honestly the same man who 3 years ago told me that he never wanted alcohol to come between us again. Who vowed never to drink again. Who made a commitment to put our relationship before anything else??

He watches me go to alanon and AA meetings with a drink in his hand. He knows I phone my sponsor and that I read and pray every night. Even if he doesn't believe he is, he knows I am an alcoholic.

It honestly feels like he doesn't give a sh*t about me any more.

hopeful4

I doubt that he does not give a **** about you, it is just that for addicts, their addiction is #1 over everything else and everyone else until they actually reach for recovery.

Congrats on your own recovery and being able to stay strong with an active drinker in your home.

Hugs and strength to you!

Liveitwell

Kudos to you!!! Yep-what hopeful stated is 100% accurate. It's not that they don't love you, etc-it's just that drinking is number one and until they get into recovery, they truly cannot put anyone else first-no matter what they SAY. Peace to you.

SparkleKitty

It is really difficult to accept that it doesn't have anything to do with you. When I felt that way, it was because if it was about ME, then maybe I could DO something to change it. It satisfied my controlling impulses to make it about me, and even though it hurt terribly from that perspective, I felt more in control.

I had to learn to accept the active addicts in my life for exactly who they were, right then, and make decisions about my own life accordingly. When I did that, I empowered myself by focusing on the only thing I could control: what I did with my knowledge of the situation.

NYCDoglvr

Unfortunately for active alcoholics booze becomes the most important thing on earth, their higher power, God, great love of their life.

dandylion

Jeni26.....yes, it does hurt terribly.....I would rather be stung by a hundred yellow jackets...........when the alcoholic says or does things that remind us of the hard truth---- importance of the drink to the alcoholic. It feels central to their very life--their very existence.
It is not that they love us less....it is that they love alcohol so intensely...in such an immediate way that it blocks out all other thoughts.
When the alcoholic "needs" the drink---they are not making a rational decision to not love you....it is m ore about an overwhelming compulsion to avoid their own intense psychic pain....
It has so little to do with you..... (although it doesn't feel like that to us!!!!!!!)

Now, Jeni, I realize that I am rattling on to the choir, here. I know that you know these things---being an alcoholic, yourself.

The thing that helped me the very most with this are the papers that were written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. It helped me to really "get" that it wasn't about me. It had nothing to do with the love that my qualifiers have for me. These articles brought comfort to my bruised and damaged heart........
I strongly encourage you to go the website: Papers on Addiction and Recovery.
You might want to read "The Addict's Dilemma", first.......

Actually, I go back and re-read some of these articles, periodically.

When dealing with an alcoholic who is very close to me---I find that I have to lead with my head rather than my heart when it comes to their disease.

LOL....I am quite sure that dealing with other alcoholics in your groups is very different, and less threatening, than dealing with the alcoholic under your own roof!!!!

Until the active alcoholic feels the need to get sober and into genuine recovery....they can't even keep promises that they make to themselves----how in the world can you expect them to keep a "promise" that they make to you???
Their denial helps to keep them "blind" as to how much control their disease has over their life....

Please excuse me for chewing on this concept for so long, here....I just hoped that it might help you in some way......

dandylion

*****Dandylion has now left the building....

Liveitwell

I think what dandy said is awesome. After spending many years so angry with my ex and fighting him, I gave up and started getting better. I realized that I was honestly sad for him-his word used to mean something and now it's useless. Meaningless. I found compassion grew where anger had been. However, none of this excuses his behaviors or lack of a conscience or his actions.
His drinking has nothing to do with you!

AnvilheadII

sounds like he is being a defiant child - when alcoholics drink, they tend to regress, believe they are the center of the universe, and the rest of us just minions. since HE is drinking and YOU are not, you are now in the enemy camp - even if he was the one to dig the hole and crawl under the fence to the I Can Drink If I Wanna camp.

however i doubt he put THAT much thought into the t-shirt purchase...meaning how it might affect YOU. could be he got them for free somewhere - we have a couple t-shirts that a buddy who knows a buddy who has a bar gave us - i just wear them around the house and actually don't even think about what they SAY, only that they are clean and comfy.

Liveitwell

Btw-if you want a fabulous, earth shattering read, try "growing yourself back up"...one theme is that addiction causes you to stay in an altered reality (childhood, when you were traumatized, etc) and that the more it progresses, the more the person regresses. It is literally like taking care of a toddler, at times. I told my ex that many times.