mystified

I hesitated in posting this because I've already shared several emotional ups and downs but where else do I get perspective?

I'm finding it hard to vocalise how I feel and this is happening with monotonous regularity.

Some days I'm up, on top of things, nice to be around (I hope), coping with stuff and smiling, then the next day I'm a screaming harpy, seething with unexpressed anger and barely veiled resentment; a full on bitch basically and I just want the world to go away.

There is no balance.

PMS? PAWS? Pre-menopause? I don't know. Whatever it is I don't like it and it doesn't feel like me.

I don't feel any danger of drinking at this point but I hate feeling so volatile.

Just wanted to vent.

Thank you for listening.

MelindaFlowers

I hear you. It's been a surprise to me to have emotions up and down, life events good and bad, moods, and.........

Not being able to drink them away?! What a new feeling this is. You mean I just have to experience them?

It's not always easy but better than drinking over them.

Drinking never made any of my bad feelings get better. In fact, the drinking made them a lot worse because there I'd be, the next morning, hungover and still having the issue but more than ever.

If the issue was stress, the drinking made me stressed out.

I'm learning to accept (not always loving it) this funny thing called life without escaping. No more "off switch, see-ya-tomorrow escape", I am way better off sober (and not hungover) to deal with life.

I was just thinking how drinking is really just avoidance. Avoidance plus a nasty freakin' hangover.

MythOfSisyphus

How long have you been sober? I had a lot of trouble with anger for a good six months to a year after I quit.

DitzyDandelion

I am all up and down. I don't get angry an awful lot but without a good few drinks and very specific circumstances anger doesn't come easy to me.

I have had tears frustration despair and all that jazz set alongside moments of real hope and elation. It sure is a rollercoaster. The quote from my friend in my signature relates to me mentioning that odd feeling of not having a drink to switch of my brain when all the thoughts and feelings start marching in.

I am hoping given time it will become more steady and I will learn new ways to deal with all my thoughts and feelings. I know hiding them in a bottle does not help. When you first get sober there is an awful lot of life and feelings that have been set aside and need dealing with. That combined with brain chemistry being a bit out of whack it is not surprising we are all over the place a while. I am thinking of it as healing and accepting the ride as a positive thing.

StellaPolaris

I find myself in the middle of a midlife crisis these days. Took me a while to separate addiction from actually going through some kind of second puberty. I had to read up on it, and I got some eye openers. But early sobriety is a roller-coaster either way.

My suggestion would be to enjoy the good days and ride out the bad ones. I've had days I've even had to resort to watching funny cat videos on Youtube to get out of my funk... SR has taught me that this too shall pass.

Notimetoloose

(((mystified))) So sorry you are feeling like this...it is important to talk things over, I am glad that you decided to post.

It would be a good idea to talk to a understanding and sympathetic doctor, a doc that will do the tests and check out the possible causes.

It could be PAWS, thyroid, hormonal..

I had a sign in my office :"CAUTION mood swing in 5 minutes" It turned out that I had a very early menopause and I literally could be a raging maniac to a dribbling mess in the same minute!!!
It was awful, I felt no control with irrational emotions and reactions. Once diagnosed it was sorted out quickly.

The first 6 months of quitting drinking I felt very insecure and wide eyed as I adjusted to feelings!!

My point is how you feel things normally versus premenopausal or newly quit drinking, can be very different.

Dee74

I really had no idea who sober me was...and for the first 3 months of recovery I was a million different people - sometimes all in the one day.

I had walled emotions up for 30 years - now suddenly the dam broke...

Things settled down for me in the 90-120 day period - but if they haven;t for you try not to worry - there may be other reasons for this, and if you think there might be, seeing your Dr is a great thing to do

I hope you'll find your 'emotional waterlevel' soon mystified

D

Soberwolf

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I was all over the place at first too

mystified

Thanks for your insights.

I'm scheduling a Dr visit about something else anyway and I already confided about kmy drinking so I'll mention the mood swings when I go.

Part of it is not knowing if I'm just 'feeling feelings', which is normal, or if there's something else going on. I only know I do not like being at the mercy of my temper. I'm working hard on keeping the rage at bay but it shouldn't be exhausting just to maintain an even mood. Should it?

StellaPolaris .. you mentioned midlife crisis. It kinda feels like that. I'm questioning everything these days.

Dee.... a million different people. Yep, thats me alright.

Again thanks everyone who posted.

Any other thoughts?

Marcher13

mystified, please understand that these questions are posed for you to think about, no need to answer here.

How well are you taking care of yourself? Do you, for example, drink plenty of water day every day? Do you eat three nutritious meals each day? Do you have some exercise five days a week? Do you take some time out by yourself to recharge?

I think it can be easy to assume that sobriety will cure all, but very often we have neglected ourselves in many ways and we need to get up to speed on normal daily care.

MelindaFlowers

This pretty much sums up my first few weeks of sobriety. I was down right excited at times. I knew in my heart that things would get better when I stopped drinking. I mean, how could they get any worse. However, other times I was angry and depressed that I couldn't drink anymore. I was truly mourning alcohol. It had been my companion for so long.

It was not giving me what it used to though, in the end. The buzz wasn't a buzz. The quantity kept getting larger and larger trying to reach a good buzz. Of course when the quantity goes up, the blackouts and hangovers get worse and worse. I had forgotten what it was like to wake up not hungover.

The roller coaster evens out. Then you actually stop missing it at all and see it for the monster it really is and you are so relieved it's out of your life.

Relief has to be the one word I'd choose to describe my sobriety.

StellaPolaris

Questioning everything sounds very familiar. My kids moved out, and the only things I found myself doing were drinking heavily and reading. Philosophy, selfhelp, memoirs - anything to get a grip and find some purpose I guess. There was anger and mindfulness, bitterness and gratitude, total emotional chaos. When I quit drinking I thought I'd get peace of mind. Once the fog lifted I was left with a lot of free time and a huge "Now what?". Days would go from an elated "I can do whatever I want" to a pretty defeated "F it, I have a grandchild, Darwin would be happy, my job here is done".

I've read here a thousand times that it's not enough to stop drinking. Personally, I've started working the 12 steps, which has been an eyeopener so far. I've come to believe that questioning everything can be like a superpower, in the very least it makes for some very interesting conversations.

Just ramblings in the early morning. Talking to a Dr is never a bad idea. SR is great for finding kindred spirits though.

Jeni26

Hey my friend.

Remember not to be too hard on yourself. You have very young children don't you? Well, from my experience, raising little ones is THE HARDEST JOB ON EARTH. I thought I'd be great at it, in truth, I was passable. I was either Mary poppins (on a good day), or an advert for the worlds worst mummy (on a bad day).

And I wasn't in recovery.

Maybe it's the expectation that you've set yourself that's getting in the way here.

Try and find some space for yourself amongst the business every day, perhaps when they've gone to bed, and do some meditation.

You are a kind thoughtful person. A bad day will pass and be replaced by a good one. I think you are doing just fine 💕 xx

HeartsAfire

Great thread - phenomenal responses.

I love you for always questioning, Myst. You never stop trying to get better & do better. Do you even know that about yourself? Sometimes I think we get so mired down in what we're not doing that we forget to notice all the things we're ARE. I hate cliches, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Unfortunately neither is recovery.

I have a dear friend whose divorce was finalized yesterday. Even though her ex is a lousy SOB, she was still so sad yesterday & was beating herself up for it. I kept telling her, "It IS sad. Why are you so scared to just admit & feel it? Trust the feelings & go with them. They'll take you where you need to go which is a much better place than where you are."

Getting to the dr. is a great start. So is trusting that this is all part of your journey. It is going to take you to a better place. I have absolutely no doubt about it.

I love you, sweet friend.

Ruby2

Hi Myst. My emotions were all over the place and bounced from feeling great to rage at the drop of a hat. That went on for a good six to nine months after quitting before starting to noticeably level off.

Fighting and maintaining emotions IS exhausting. Very exhausting. I found taking small time outs to breathe and regroup were helpful. Getting enough sleep and mild exercise like stretching helped.

Starting with the doctor is a good way to rule out physical stuff. I was entering menopause when I went through it. That probably contributed and my children are younger. Eight and 5when I started this journey. Nine and 7 now so it still takes a bit of patience.

Hang in there. It does get better.

2muchpain

Sounds like you need to build a new life. Quitting drinking is a great start, but it is only a start. Talking to your doctor is helpful. Maybe he/she can give you some suggestions. The bottom line is you need to do something. Stay busy. Do fun things you wouldn't have done when drinking. I know this is hard, but you have to do it if your going to remain sober. You can do this. John

Anna

Mystified, I do think feelings are just feelings for the most part. If you're concerned about depression or something clinical, then talking to your dr would be a good idea. I had to do that. But, like you, I felt I was at the mercy of my emotions and it was so frustrating. Try taking a step back and observe the emotion you are feeling and then let it go. It also sounds like journaling could be helpful. I needed to actually write down the angry feelings I had in order to let them go.

Bird615

I've felt that way in early sobriety; it really was an emotional rollercoaster. Then again going through perimenopause when I had been sober for decades at the time. I called it "reverse puberty", and I most definitely was not myself. It was a pretty rough ride, and I read something recently that perimenopause can contribute to increased drinking or relapse in some women in an effort to self-medicate.

growpath

(((mystified)))

You are doing great!

I hope you start to feel better soon. You got some great advice here

mystified

Oh sob.

I love you guys for your honesty and sheer good sense.

Thank you all.

Truly.