Charioteer

I'm going to do it.
I'm out.

I stayed over at a friend's house last night.
She texted me a bunch, asking why I didn't want to work on this.
Why I didn't come home.
She left me a voicemail I still haven't listened to.
I didn't respond to anything until I texted her this morning.

I told her I was tired and hurt and angry and I couldn't do it any more.
That it was arrogant of her to think she can tell me she's leaving me,
then be shocked when I don't instantly come crawling, begging for forgiveness.
Like I always do when she's mad at me.

I'm tired of moving mountains and getting crumbs in return.
I'm tired of carrying her through life just so she can get high and trash my finances.
I'm tired of living the lifestyle of an addict without any of the benefits.
I'm tired of the lies, the long nights alone, the debt, and the bills I can't pay.
I'm tired of eating Jack in the Box and instant ramen because I can't afford lunch at work.

It sucks so bad because I love her so much. I never want to hurt her.
I hate it when she cries and my every instinct just wants to make everything better.
I have the power to make her stop crying and I am not using it.
I feel like the worst human being in the world because of this.
I feel like I am turning my back on my family.
Like I am abandoning a woman and a little girl who need me in order to survive.

She had a messed up life; she doesn't deserve the hand she's been dealt.
When I look at her, I see the little girl who was hurt so bad by everyone around her.
I see a beautiful woman, a beautiful human being, and the woman I love.
I see a cute bunny in the forest, a supermodel, and a bride with cartoon hearts over her head.

But I have to protect myself.
I have to cut and walk away before I completely lose myself in the process.
I can't make my happiness dependent on her ability to kick this.

...right?

biminiblue

Right! Hold your line!

Past trauma (hers) can't be dealt with while using. She's not a helpless little girl, she's an adult that hasn't dealt with being an adult.

You will find someone who is good for you and who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. There are lots of good women out there.

Ap052183

It's very hard but yes you can't lose yourself for her. Your happiness matters. She can't expect you to live for her and that's what happens. They can't see past their own selfishness.

ella213

You're doing the right thing. You aren't doing her any favors by continuing to enable her. Walking away is the loving thing to do, for yourself and for her.

anxiouswife2

I think everyone on here has gotten to the point where you are - it is a piviotal point & you can choose where to go from here.
Constantly paying the consequences of someone you cannot and should not control is exhausting & it is toxic.
Best of luck to you, it will be hard, but it will get better.

Charioteer

I'm so glad I found this forum.

Vale

More right than you can possibly imagine right now.

ShootingStar1

What a poignant, moving post. It shows the depth of love you have for her, and the anguish of not being able to do for someone else what they need to do for themselves to be healthy, to survive.

One of the hardest lessons for me, now 3 years out of my 20 year marriage to an abusive alcoholic, was to finally understand that I had no right to try to make him live his life as I wanted him to. That was his right, his choice, and I needed to respect that.

And one of the best lessons that came out of finally learning that was my realization that I, too, have the right and obligation to live my own life as I need to, in a way that makes me healthy and happy.

Terrible loss in this, but extraordinary gain, too. Freedom to be who we need to be. Humility in recognizing that they can choose to be who they want to be, regardless of our opinion or judgment.

Take care of yourself, post often, we are here for you.

ShootingStar1

sunnigirl

Honestly I know how you feel - I am almost there myself and I feel exhausted too. I wish you hope and strength and light as you step towards a healthier you... it's ok to want to be "ok" too

zoso77

Charioteer,

Allow me to offer you a belated Welcome to the Board. I've been out-of-action for a bit and I'm just starting to ramp back up here.

There are a lot of us here that have been dealt rough hands, present company included. Part of becoming a responsible adult is learning how to adapt to those events so that we can cope and continue to go on. She's not a little girl. She's an adult who has made poor choices, and doesn't want to pay the price for that. And you shouldn't have to pay the price for those choices, either.

You are going to experience a range of emotions in the days and weeks to come, and I can assure you, it won't be at all pleasant. Hold your ground. You can love her until the end of time, but that won't change her. You've seen that.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.